Playing Cards With The Timing Gods

A good comedienne knows the power of good timing. The perfect pause, the well placed eye roll, the deadpan comeback that throws the waiter off their daily specials monologue. There’s an art to making people laugh and a lot of it has to do with timing. In life, however, most timing is completely out of our control and even the best comic can get thrown.

When my sister was pregnant with nephew #1 I was living in NYC with the man I thought I was going to marry. He obviously didn’t understand that and left me with our studio apartment and the new cat. I was lost, heartbroken and seriously pissed at the world. Then I realized that without boyfriend baggage I was free to live wherever I wanted, including going home and taking care of my sister and the baby. Score- Amie: 1 Timing: 0

When my dad got sick I had just started working at Disney Studios. I hated the job. I loved the company, but hated the job. I wanted a way out but I knew that I had to stick it out, make money and at least enjoy the perks of the job. Timing Gods had given me a stable position to make and save money but all I saw was the opportunity to go home and take care of my father. Score- Amie: 2 Timing: 0

When I needed to quit my job because I was going to kill myself if I didn’t, I quit without anything lined up, without any savings in the bank and without a plan. I just quit. No work came for over a month. I started to panic a little and dipped into money I probably shouldn’t have touched. But I was happy. I loved not working at a desk. I loved being the person who loved all of her life, not hating any of it. The timing was horrible for me to quit, especially when you factor in an unemployment rate of 12% here in California. But it was the best decision I have made in a really long time. Amie: 3 Timing: 0

I seem to do pretty well with my timing in career and with family. I drop everything for these two things. Good jobs have come because I simply was in the right place at the right time. Good parts have been given to me because I had put my time in and the opportunity came when I was ready for them. The Timing Gods, while not always at my pace, have worked well for me when it comes to people I meet and my career.

I also applaud their often witty sense of humor, displayed perfectly the week I bought my new car and three days later got into grad school in England.

In relationships, however, I might have pissed off the Gods of Time. Bad timing is so often a reason people don’t work out, and I have been on the receiving end of a wide range of timing-blamed excuses.

“It’s just not the right time for us.”
“I see us together, in our 60’s. You don’t mind waiting, right?”
“If I had met you three months/days/weeks ago this might have worked.”
“If only I had met you before I met my wife/girlfriend.”
“It’s a really busy time in my life and I can’t date anyone right now.”
“I really like you, but my gf gets home soon and I owe it to us to try and make that work.”
“I wish I was 10 years older.”

I have had my share of relationships ending, or not even beginning, because of bad timing. And as I become more and more single every day, it causes me to think that maybe the various hourglasses in my life are actually working together.

If Chris hadn’t left me I wouldn’t have gone home and spent those first three months with my nephew, establishing a bond stronger than I could have wished for. Heartbroken Amie: 0 Timing: 1

If ________________ (insert name of various boys I tried to date and they gave me variations of “no thank you, it’s not the right time for me”) hadn’t said that and ultimately left me alone with my tears and frustration, I wouldn’t have been able to stand in front of the last man to leave and say “I understand and I’m okay with it” and move on. Heartbroken Amie: 0 Timing: 2

If I wasn’t currently (still) single I wouldn’t have the absolute freedom to head to England, fully ready and open for whatever comes. Heartbroken Amie: 0 Timing: 3

So it seems we’re at a tie, the Timing Gods and I. Maybe that’s why I feel anxious. Maybe that’s why I feel unsettled. It’s a time-out while both teams wait for the next move to see where to play their hand. I’m okay with a tie, considering the cards I’m playing next have me heading off on an adventure with no known finish line.

And since I’ll be 8 hours ahead of my life here in LA, I’ll have a head start.

We All Need Subcategories - Even on Facebook

Facebook has changed the way people interact, bringing it to a level I don’t believe even Mark Zuckerberg could have imagined from his Harvard dorm room. And don’t kid yourself. For as much as we want to network and find jobs through our FB friends, we all use Facebook to flirt, check-up on exes, send secret love messages and find the dirt on our current crushes.

With all of the advancement in the world of social network stalking, one would think the landscape was full. However, as I get even more fully immersed in the facebook world, I have found a huge gap in interpersonal relations on the social website: Relationship Status.

Over time Facbook has expanded its relationship options. They offer Single, In A Relationship, Engaged, Married, It’s Complicated, In an Open Relationship, Widowed, Separated, Divorced, (and most recently) In a Civil Union, and In a Domestic Partnership. I believe they have most options covered. There is a difference between Separated and Divorced. There is a difference between In a Relationship and In an Open Relationship. And there is a difference between a Civil Union and Domestic Partnership. One huge hole in their categorizing is in the Single box. I feel there should be sub-categories that we can fill out, giving our prospective mates a clearer picture of where we are in our hearts.

Single should be broken down to the following categories, if not more.

Single:

- Have worked through all my issues. I’m ready.
- Just out of a relationship so stay away
- Just out of a relationship so come over and play
- Ready to mingle
- Looking for as many free meals as possible
- Looking for a long term, steady relationship
- NOT looking for a long term relationship
- Looking for my soul mate
- Don’t believe in soul mates, so call me
- Working on myself
- Past the point of caring whether I ever find love or not

Now that I think of it, there are some other sub-categories that come up for the other status options.

Separated:
- In the first stages- trying to see if this is what we both want
- In the first stages- I still love them
- In the first stages- they still love me
- In therapy
- I’m ready to move on but we still share custody of the cat. And the flat-screen.
- They're ready to move on but I'm using the cat as collateral
- A few months in and I’m ready for a divorce already
- A few months in and I’m not ready to change my status to single yet

Divorced:
- And happy
- And I hate all things relationship, including this question
- And I still cry in our pillow each night
- And missing my ex
- And sleeping with my ex
- And still working through the possessions so be ready for long talks about how they did me wrong

In A Relationship:
- My gf/bf pressured me into this
- It’s serious and we’re moving to the engaged box next
- But I’m looking for a way out
- But I’m sleeping with my ex
- But I’m gay so don’t tell my “gf”
- I haven't changed my status yet because I hope my ex changes their mind.
- I’m lying and just want to appear like someone loves me

Of course, part of the dating game is finding the answers to these questions on our own. We need a little mystery in our lives. So for now I’ll just leave the Relationship Status portion blank and see where life takes me. Who knows, as I date more I might find even more categories. So why limit myself?

What would you add?

These are some options? I'll go it alone, thank you.

I look at my world and I enjoy it. I have awesome friends, great family relationships, a lust for life and great legs. I enjoy being single because I don't have to follow any rules but the ones I put into the book. Doesn't mean I don't like to shop.

I have played the internet dating game and have some wonderfully entertaining stories to go along with the memories. I meet people at parties and through friends. I love to go out and meet people and see what everyone else does with their time. One place I have NEVER met someone is through Craigslist. The people who post on CL, whether they are nice guys are not, are opening themselves up to ridicule and judgement. Which leads me to question why they don't think through things before they click on the "post ad" icon.

The following examples are why CL shopping is best left to slightly-loved Ikea furniture.

- Endangerd Species - 53 Most guys simply don't have much self confidence and stick there necks out to impress his date hoping to land in the back seator in bed after the appitizer.They exagerate and laugh at anything,ozzing in obviousness.Tired of that are you ?Veterin single guy,married twice,fun,serious,open minded,provocitive, generious,can stimulate your passion,desires,maybe dreams.5' 6 " tall, Italian,handsome fun to be with,steady good job, live alone,nice apartment.Drugs a "no no".That tall dark handsome guy after guy after guy you keep dating gets the same results,time after time.No need to ask why ?P..S Never ask me to Varify as you will only waste your time. John

Seriously? The typos and bad grammar alone would turn a woman off. But add in his thought that 5'6" is "tall" and now you're just an idiot. I like men of all heights and who are comfortable in their skin. This guy is a "no no"

- A man listed himself as "getting over my shyness" and wrote a two page posting about what he was looking for in a woman and what he was "done playing" with. He painted this empathetic picture of a shy guy trying something new.......Then posted a picture of his hard penis.

In my opinion, no one who shows their junk online is shy. No one.

- Brutally honest heartless health-conscious bastard with limitless 420.

That was his header. So what you're saying is I would have to be high the entire time I was with you because I couldn't stand you if sober. Not the best selling point for a new relationship.

-Just 1 sane and attractive girl on here??? - 29

Wow. you're only looking for 1? In all these crazy, neurotic, insane women? Well with odds like that I think I'll stake my claim somewhere else. Who wants to date a man who has already stacked the deck against me. On the plus side, he did post pictures of him on the beach with this adorable puppy. Women love puppies. He almost has the game mastered.

Here are a few more gems of CL

- Sense of Urgency, desperately wants a baby - 30
- Experiment with a therapeutic spanking
- I look like a Greek Masterwork. You be Hot Exotic with massive breasts
- FATHR FGUR 4 U - 48
- Where's my Swing-Friendly Partner in Crime and Wine? - 42

OH. MY. GOD!!! And this was just within the past few hours!

Married ladies- rejoice.

Thursday Google Fun

Every once in a while I like to play with google. I type in a couple of letters and see what google wants to give me. Then I click on the first link and open up a brand new adventure, right at my desk. Let's see what google gives me today!

- I type in "onej" and google offers "OneJoseph" so here I go. I click on http://www.onejoseph.com/ and am pulled into a website with a gorgeous piece of art on it. The artist is Joseph Todorovitch and he is wonderful. He does all figurative art with the style reminiscent of Johannes Vermeer. I love this artist! It blows my mind that people can put this on the page and evoke such grace and peace. It's beautiful.

- I type in "fre" and google offers me "fresh brothers" so I take it. PIZZA!! And it's local! Looks like I have a new place to try for some good pizza. "Fresh thinking, fresh pizza". I like a fresh slogan. Looks really good.

- I type in "luc" and google gives me "lucid dreaming". What an interesting article. I spend the next 10 minutes maneuvering through the website http://www.lucidity.com/LucidDreamingFAQ2.html learning the difference between when I'm aware I'm dreaming and when I'm not, as well as how to use this to my advantage. This will come in handy at my desk. Maybe google will next offer me how to sleep with my eyes open.

- I type in "slee" (with the true hope google shows me how to sleep while appearing awake) and I'm taken to "sleep paralysis" which proceeds to scare the crap out of me. http://www.stanford.edu/~dement/paralysis.html It's a disfunction where you cannot move when you first wake up and/or first go to sleep. WTF? Can you imagine opening your eyes and not being able to move, when you were fully able to 8 hours ago? Jeez. Not a fan of that disorder. I'll stick with my lucid dreams.

- And finally I type in "ants", paying hommage to my ant-covered- mouse-corpse morning. Google hands me "ants marching lyrics" by DMB. Not a horrible choice. I like the idea of Dave Matthews hanging out with me as I clean up my little horrible marching ants.

take these chances place them in a box until a quiter time lights down, you up and die

I should do this every day! I like the doors it opens. I had no idea about this artist and he's wonderful. I had no idea sleep paralysis was real. I also found a diaper service called "Antsy Pants" which I thought was a cute name for a company.

Man, I love the internet.

Not always to build a resume

When we’re in college, actors are told to do as many shows as possible to learn from different directors and to fill our resume. We take parts as trees, maids, zoo animals, and 3rd statue from the left in an effort to get parts under our belt. We play shows in small black box theaters that seat 45 and large houses that seat 3,000. We do shows in high school auditoriums and under makeshift tents. All to make us look more marketable to casting directors because we have a diverse skill set.

I have pounded the pavement in Los Angeles, Sacramento, Las Vegas and New York. I have played, amongother things, a drunk sex-a-holic in a hole-in-the-wall theater in NYC where they passed out beer to the audience during the show. I’ve played a catholic nun on a temporary stage in the cafeteria of a Jewish Temple. I’ve done shows where I provided my own costume, shoes, make-up and sound system. I’ve worked hard to build a resume that, little by little, is something to be proud of.

I do large productions to meet the people and move my career forward. This is part of networking and marketing yourself as an actor. You have to play the big houses in order to get bigger paychecks and meet the people who will hire you, and pay you, again. I take the smaller roles in the larger production companies because they are a leg up in the industry. I work the small theaters as leads to get a leg up in the heart of theater.

Driving home from rehearsal last night, after a day that started with me willing to shave my head if it meant I didn't have to out of bed, I realized that we also do shows to heal ourselves. We work on characters and their problems as we work on ourselves. We study histories and relationships while we study our own. Taking on a character doesn’t mean just our resumes get fluffed. Our lives get a little reboot every time we step into the skin of another being.

Even when she is a show-girl bird who leaves her baby with an elephant.

A Bejeweled Depression

Sunday I stayed in bed all day and slept. I should have weeded and cleaned and packed and maybe even eaten. But I didn’t. I slept.

Yesterday I stayed in bed all day and slept. I called in to work and spent the day in and out of dreamless sleep. No eating. No drinking. Nothing but sleep until rehearsal.

Today I went to work. And after catching up on all the “work” I had missed last week when I was away with my family on vacation (which consisted of 11 emails I have nothing to do with and 2 voicemails I have nothing to do with....I was gone for six days), I sat at my desk and played Bejeweled. For an hour.

An hour.

Here is a list of things I could have done instead:
- gone online and researched places to live in UK
- Emailed my advisor about how to get my visa and the steps I need to start working on
- Gone through my mutual fund and looked at stocks I’d like to diversify with
- Email my cousin and tell her about my upcoming move
- Gone on facebook and replied to everyone who has posted after a comment or on my wall
- Balanced my bank account
- Updated my calendar to include my new weekend plans
- Built a grocery list so I have food and can stop eating 7-Eleven taquitos
- Looked up flight prices for the trips I am taking in August
- Done an hour of stretching and abs
- Taken a walk
- Memorized lines from Seussical or Into the Woods
- Written in my journal about the Disney trip we just had
- Written an amazing blog about the changes coming into my life.

But no I spent it playing Bejeweled. Because my heart hurts and that’s all I want to do lately. I want to either be sleeping or mindlessly lining up gems and listening to them explode. I want to be sleeping or destroying. I don’t want to be productive. I don’t want to be exciting. I don’t want to be forward thinking. I don’t want to be here. I just want to be sleeping.

Or playing Bejeweled.

"Single Because" Post from a London Singleton

I love finding well-written articles online that speak to me. This article is what I would write if I was 30 and an art curator living in London. Who knows.....the 30 part won't happen. But London is calling. The last paragraph is my favorite.

Reprinted from The Sunday Times, no copywrite violation intended

Single because ... I’ve been having too much fun
Francesca Gavin, 30, arts writer and curator
When I came out of the cosy quietness of my last long-term relationship, I became aware my party days were running out. There was only a limited time to play and do stupid things without looking like that ageing thirtysomething slurring at the bar. You’re only young once. And I was in no rush to find a new relationship.
I’m naturally sociable, and, while I was aware of the underlying superficiality of party life, I had no problem making the most of it. I’m very adaptable. I’m also freelance, and had no reason to force myself up in the mornings. And the invitations poured in. I dived head first into the art world, with its flow of openings, dinners and biennials. I spent days sunbathing by Shoreditch House’s pool, drinking passion-fruit chilli martinis. I went to dirty clubs in east London so often that a Hoxton cab company started giving me a discount. I wrote a book about creative people’s homes around the globe and spent a year exploring Tokyo, New York, Paris and Berlin, making friends and work contacts, having decadent nights at hotels and dive bars, kissing creative boys who looked cute, but were emotionally underdeveloped and on the young side. In short, the past couple of years have been a never-ending trip of hedonistic fun. Not surprisingly, I’ve remained single, bar a few flings. It is rather hard to forge a relationship when you are in and out of the country. I meet tons of men, but they’re the ones preoccupied with going out — who just want a good-time girl. And my life can sound ridiculous to a bloke doing the nine to five. When it includes drowning in prosecco at the Bauer Hotel, in Venice, before stopping in Paris, then heading to Basel, how do you respond to “What have you been up to?” without sounding like a show-off?
I’m beginning to rein things in, though. At heart, I’m rather old-fashioned, and would be happy to settle down. I’m tired of finding myself in inappropriate romantic situations. And I am bored with the hangovers and the worry of what all this fabulousness is doing to my health. But the grass is always greener. I heard a story about a 70-year-old Parisian lady in the Marais, going to bars in her furs and being escorted home by twentysomething men. It didn’t sound that bad a future.

Twitter learnings

Twitter is an interesting thing. As with many things in my life, I started my adventure without really knowing what I wanted out of it or what I was willing to put into it. After four days I can say I am slightly addicted to at least checking in to everything once an hour. Even more than before. Check on facebook people, check in on fourswuare and read Twitter. I knew this would happen. I have an addictive personality in general. I fall too hard for guys, eat too much of a good thing and can’t seem to stop myself with shoes. What I wasn’t prepared for was the random crap I would be introduced to.

Examples:

- I tweet about Vegas and am bombarded with offers for the hottest Vegas nightlife
- I tweet about apple and all my Mac friends come to its defense
- I tweet about needing a new dress and am sent offers for free online coupons.

It’s pretty amazing actually. The best one? I tweet about not being able to read Time magazine anymore because it gives me anxiety attacks because I want to fix everything. I get a response for an anti-anxiety drug.

Good to know that if I ever do need access to nightlife, computer advice or meds, Twitter and all my Twitter-ettes will be there to help me.

Follow me on Twitter! SingingAmieB

(Soon I’ll figure out how to link this blog…..all in good time.)

Here are my tweets so far:

46- correction- you CAN'T let go if you're holding on.
45- Time magazine is why I have anxiety attacks. I can't fix it all and I want to.
44- Thank you and happy birthday to #annakournikova for taking on the banner of keeping 30s sexy. It was getting heavy
43- And THAT, ladies and gentlemen is how you do it.
42- another boring day, another value-losing dollar. Nice to think about having all next week off though!
41- why is everyone excited about iCloud? Pay so I can access the music I already own? Honestly don't get it. But happy people are happy.
40- Good run, load of laundry and Greys Anatomy. Not so bad for a Monday. See you tomorrow!
39- Lawn is mowed! And I tortured the cat by leaving Best In Show in while I was outside
38- nice easy drive home. I like it
37- just sat and listened to all the teasers of the new #sarahjarosz album. I'm in love, again.
36- #Groupon rocks! Just printed out my deal for #oldnavy. Time to shop!!
35- was just handed a ridiculously time wasting assignment. Thank goodness the workday eventually ends
34- looking for places to rent for the summer. Not looking forward to packing.
33- working working working. Wishing I was still in #Vegas.....
32- Have a night totally empty for the first time in a while. What should I do?
31- Happy Monday. Eventful weekend and ready for a quiet day at work. Followers? 49.
30- last tweet of the weekend. Such a good time!
28- @ the petstore. Couldn't leave without donating cans of cat food to homeless kitties
27- you'll never guess- still here!! Don't be jealous. You know you want to sit around all day too.
26- okay. Three hours in. Of sitting. I'm losing steam.....
25- Still sitting at a callback. This is the hard part most of the time.
24- it's a little unnerving to look at how much life can get turned upside down in only 5 days.
23- just met a dog whose head came to my chest and I'm wearing heels. That's a big dog.
22- hello long beach. I missed you!!
21- my favorite feature of Roxie, my car? #Ford Sync where I can play my iPhone through speakers via Bluetooth. What's yours?
20- goodbye Vegas. :(
I checked in at The Chandelier (3708 Las Vegas Blvd S) on #Yelp http://bit.ly/gLb7VR
19- drinks IN a #Chandelier?!!? Who thinks of this? I love this city. #lasvegas
18- Afton and I are going to start a girl band covering 'Pocketful of Sunshine'. We need a name....
17- I am currently a green room in Vegas. Wahoo!!
16- I just ran down Las Vegas Blvd in 4' heels and a strapless mini dress. Hooray Vegas!
15- free Elvis show? Yes please!!
14- why why why WHY are you smoking and holding your baby?!!!
13- patiently waiting for my peeps to get here. Best clubs? Fave drinks? Awesome shows? I loVe Vegas. Tell me what you like about it!
12- $50 gift card to Macy's. Off to buy a dress for tonight! Do you have a favorite style? Suggestions are welcome.
11- my friend Mel has a press pass for the miss USA pageant. Not gonna lie, I'm a little jealous.
10- impromptu lunch with Melodye! Gotta love it!
9- Sun moved. Time to shift chairs!
8- I need a sexier hobby. Anyone have any ideas?
7- I'm not just water-skiing, I'm boxing water-skiing. I do love pod advertising.
6- I think I'll only do this project while awake. Just as interesting. Woke up in Vegas. Not a bad start to the weekend.
5- #ladygaga uses baby food to keep in shape. Hmmm....do they have steak flavored baby food? a good red wine? Wait. Yuck. I'll eat the steak
4- I can't even imagine losing a part of my body, let alone a hand. So very thankful for my health.
3- I truly hate the awful advice #drlaura gives. She just told a woman to stay in a marriage with an alcoholic. WTF?!!?
2- Vegas Vegas Vegas!! Where do you like to eat when there?
1- First of 3,360. What have I gotten into? #bigprojects

3,360 Tweets......May be the Ultimate Overshare

While researching how to link my Twitter feed to this blog, my website and to Facebook it occurred to me that society might be over sharing. I might be over sharing. Then I thought about all the things I WANT to say on Twitter and Facebook, but don't, and I comfort myself that I’m still in the circle of okay.

But what if I wasn’t? What if I said exactly what I was thinking at the moment I wrote my tweet/status post? What if I didn’t edit myself or say “no one needs to know that”. How long would it take before I stopped thinking things I shouldn’t share? How long before I didn’t care what people thought? How long before I changed my thinking so anyone can know it all?

Hence the experiment I am undertaking this summert:

140 characters for 140 days.

Every hour, starting at 7pm tonight 3 June 2011 until 7p 20 Oct 2011, I will post something on Twitter. (I will not post it all on Facebook. Some people have my status come to their phones and I wouldn’t wish that many texts on anyone.) 140 characters every hour for 140 days. The caveat being during the night. Before I go to sleep each night I will tweet one tweet for every hour I will be sleeping.

These tweets will be anything I’m thinking at that moment. If I’m on the phone, I’ll say that. If I’m at dinner, I’ll talk about where I am and what I’m eating. If I found something interesting online I want to share, I'll post that. If I finish a blog, I'll post that. If I’m in the shower…..well I’ll post when I get out. Same for if I’m in the middle of any number of things I can’t be interrupted from, like driving. But hourly, my thoughts will get thrown into the Twitter universe. Hourly, I will share my witty comments, something that happened to me or something I want to do. For those not on Twitter, I will also compile them here once a day. Will be nice to see the timeline of my day. Relive it, if you will.

This project will take me through my couch surfing this summer, through my next two shows, through trips to Disneyland and Vegas, all the way through my first month of grad school. It might fail. It might be brilliant. Let’s see if I can come up with 3,360 remotely interesting things to talk about.

Why am I doing this? Because I can.

Taking stock of what she has and what I haven't

Most of the time, I am happy with my life. I like myself as a person. I like my friends and my hobbies and my slowly (very slowly) growing career. I believe in my choices and work hard to stay on a path of good and solid living with a healthy dose of fun. When I don’t stop to take stock of what I have and what I haven’t I’m pretty happy. When I don’t sit and look at other people and what they have and what they haven’t I’m even happier. But some days I do stop. And I do look. And those days need to be fewer and farther between.

As facebook brings more and more people into my life I learn about this web of life out there I have been peripherally involved with. People who know people who I am really good friends with and yet have never met. This always throws me. We have 44 friends in common? How do I not know you?!!? And to learn that I was sometimes living in the same city with these people, walking the same streets, living parallel lives without even knowing it. That is when I start to second guess the randomness of the universe.

We make choices every day that effect how our lives will move forward. I don’t believe we have a destiny, but I do believe we have a purpose and our choices either move us towards that purpose or off the path, making it harder to get back on. We chose who to love. We chose where to go to school. We chose where to eat and what jobs to take and which movies to see. And somewhere out there someone is making the same decisions, at the same time, in a world similar to yours, but not quite the same. There is a peripheral woman in my life who is living a life (and has lead a life) that at times I wish I was living. And between you and me, I would have lived it without messing it up like I think she did. But that’s just me projecting. I don't know the details so I can't really judge. Or there is the woman who isn’t in the peripheral, she effects my life every day, and yet I would change positions with her in a hot second if only to have what she has for a fleeting moment.

All this circular talk is simply me thinking about someone in the world who might be looking at my life, thinking it’s similar yet different and comparing it to theirs. Would they be motivated to change their path to be more like mine? Would they be happy with theirs and simply look at me with mild interest? Or would they shake their head and wonder how I managed to mess up every opportunity that was handed to me?

I look at other people and their choices and it constantly motivates me. Interesting blogs motivate me to write more and to entertain through my words and stories. Postings on facebook motivate me to get to the gym or call a friend or go to an audition I was on the fence about. Check-ins on yelp.com or foursquare motivate me to try new places and get out and be more social. Texts and emails from friends and family motivate me to be a better girlfriend/sister/daughter/aunt/friend. I am learning to take everything as a possibility and not as just a moment.

My biggest fear is that I will not have lived a full life. That something (money, time, relationships, career, life) will get in the way and I will look back and stamp my foot in frustration that “she” got to do this or that while I was off doing something else. Frustrated that she got the guy, or got the cooler part in the play, or had the better hair, or got to own a dog, or got to have kids with him while I was off living my life. My fear is that I won’t find peace in my choices, that I will constant second guess and wonder and look for a life that I wished I had lead.

In this instance fear might just be the best motivator.