Adventures in Bjork"Land"

Every Day a Little Pain

2012-02-18T11:37:00.001-08:00

While I was sitting in the salon this afternoon getting my hair done, I started thinking about how my hairdressers’ arms must get tired. She stands all day, using her arms above the midline of her body. That thought made me think about how in time she probably gets used to it and the muscles she needs to do her job just get stronger. It’s our brilliant body adapting and morphing into what the world asks it to do. When we work out our muscles tear a little then repair stronger than they were.

I started thinking, maybe it’s the same thing with relationships. Each time they end our heart breaks down a little more, establishing the need to rebuild (along with the pain that brings). This pain makes us stronger and ready to face the next thing the world will ask us to do.

The heart is about the size of your fist and one of the strongest muscles in the body. Its job is to pump every blood cell through every vein to every organ, delivering fresh oxygen and carrying away garbage. Our hearts are amazing. And while I know they are not directly related to the emotion of love, our oxytocin “cuddle” hormone takes care of that, our heart is where we feel the ache of losing someone we love. (And thank you cortisol for your part in that aching feeling.)

This idea of pain has been with me all day. I woke up this morning and my chest felt heavy, like there wasn’t enough room in it. The thought occurred to me, “of course there isn’t enough room. He gave your heart back to you. It has grown so big in his love it no longer fits in your chest.” Hence the pain of fitting this new heart, which has known a love so great I can’t stand to think about losing it, into my life again. Along with that comes the aching pain.

Pain helps us grow. I know that. The pain of heartache helps us be ready for the next time. It allows us to remember what good love felt like and to be ready for it when it comes again. Pain weakens us for a time, makes us cry, grieve, lie silently looking at the wall for hours and takes away our appetite. Pain drives us to have that extra pint in a vain effort to take the pain away. Pain tears little parts of us into pieces, leaving us to wonder if we will ever be whole again.

But pain isn’t forever. Our body adapts to pain and finds a different way of doing something so we don’t hurt ourselves. Our body, including our heart, doesn’t like to work harder than it needs to, so it will find an easier way to do what needs to get done. And loving someone needs to get done. I will not live in a loveless life. So while for now I sit with the pain, I will also acknowledge it. I will flash onto the good memories of him and smile because they happened. I will also flash onto the ideas I had of a good future and cry because they won’t. But through this all, the little tears everyday, I will grow stronger.

And just like my hour of pain at the gym every morning, this pain will be worth it.

An Especially Empty Left Ring Finger

2012-02-15T03:27:00.000-08:00

For anyone who knows me, you have heard me talk about my desire to stay single and live my life. I never minded a boyfriend here and there, but had no desire to get married. It's sounded pedantic and boring. I mean, being a girl, I have thought about my wedding. Thought about where I would want it and who would be there. However, I am such a believer in using what's in our life currently I always assumed that when the time was right I would have the people who were important to me in the bridal party and they people who attended would be my friends at the time and whomever my groom wanted there. As much as I enjoy planning my day and my meals and my money, I am not a big believer in planning my life. There are too many variables that are out of my control.

This past January the love of my life put a gorgeous saphire ring on my left ring finger and changed my life.
He made it clear it wasn't an engagement ring. His exact words were, "When I ask you to marry me, you'll know." But the message was that we were moving forward. We were in this, together, and I could trust that this relationship was heading down the aisle, into a lifelong partnership. It didn't matter to me when, for the first time in my life I was just estatic that it would.

I started to finally trust that I had a future with him. After years of telling myself I didn't need him (that it was all going to be fine because I was able to live my dream and not worry about a husband/house/kids/settling down) I was looking down the track to my life with him and I felt calm and ready and like it was the best decision I would ever make. I've been running from commitment and just living my life but when he put that ring on my finger I never wanted anything more. I was settled. This was it. I was ready for the daily life of loving someone and the forever it promised.

How was this different? How was this special? Why this man? I'm in love with him, foibles and all. To quote Phoebe, he's my lobster. Has been for years. He's who, out of all the animals in the sea, I want to hold claws with. He's the man that knows me better than anyone and pushes me to be a better person. He's my champion and my cheering squad. I am interested in everything he does and everything he says. I want to know what fills his head and his heart. With him, the idea of a quiet night at home suddenly becomes the one place I want to be. He was my world and I was so thrilled we were going to have it.

My fears of marriage and being forgotten and being left alone were gone. I threw myself into life with him, even being 6,000 miles away. I called him my boyfriend and smiled when I looked at the ring, treasuring what it meant. I started to trust that my commitment fears were gone and I was sure of someone. I was sure of myself and my ability to be faithful and commit and be loyal to this man till the day I died.

Loyal. Commited. Faithful.

These are not words I would have given our relationship before these past months. I haven't played by those words and have now paid the price for that. I didn't treat it like it was special and needed to be cherished. I didn't know what it felt like to be secure. To be sure of someone. He is the only man who has taken the risk and said he is willing to change his life and be with me. He is the only man I am willing to change my life for.

The empty space where the ring once sat now haunts me and sends me onto a much different train of thought. I am not the person I was. I'm not the person who enjoyed an empty left finger and felt it was a sign of independence and "look, I don't need a man" attitude. What I see now is loneliness. What I see now is my failing as a partner. What I see now is the shadow of a life I didn't know I wanted until I lost it.

Until I lost him.
The most special thing I've had in my world.

It takes an amazing man to wrangle in a woman like me. A wonderful, patient and heartwarming man to change how I look at marriage and commitment and myself as a partner. He is that man. And I am still wrangled in.

No Expiration Date

2012-01-28T10:51:00.000-08:00

One of my professors, Professor V., is an older gentleman who is a true gem in this world. He can quote the literary greats like he’s talking about his own history. He has a passion for the world of theater and works tirelessly for his students. His is, in a word, amazing. Prof V. has a heart of gold and is one of those people in the world you just immediately root for. You want them to be happy and prosperous and see all the good come to them. You worry about them when they don’t look well and you laugh along with them as they talk about their day and their experiences. People like Professor V. make this world a better place.

Which is why I was overjoyed when he told us he had fallen in love and was happy. I still smile when I think about him telling us in class the other day. He blushed and smiled and seemed to light up with this new man in his life. Now, this man is in his 60s and is as neurotic as the rest of us. He is a gangly old man who has had his share of men in his life. He makes no secret of it. And while it may sound naive and a little small minded, my second thought at hearing the news (behind being truly happy for him) was “he’s proof we can still find love when we’re old.”

I know, I know, even thinking those words out again makes me cringe at the way it sounds. I can hear it now- What do you mean “old”? What, old people don’t have the right to be happy? Old people can’t fall in love? And that’s not what I’m saying at all. What I was happy for was that joy in his eyes and truly seeing that finding love, at the age when what society deems your “best years” are behind you, is possible.

In a world where people get married at 22, actress can’t find “good” roles after 40, and the term “expiration date” doesn’t just apply to food, I find myself wondering if I will be able to have love in my 60s. And not only love, but good sex. I have a friend who is a grandmother and happily married and I have heard from her own stories that good sex is still an option into your later years. And now with the wonderful relationship I’m in, I’m certain that amazing sex is going to remain in the schedule. But if life takes the love of my life from me (touch wood it doesn’t, I don't want a life without him) and I find myself single and 60, I like the idea that I will still be loveable and worthy of attention from the opposite sex- even if I am gangly and neurotic (which I most surely will be).

So my hat is off to you Prof V., for getting out there and doing it! Loving and trusting and enjoying life. I didn’t think it was possible for him to be more of an inspiration, but he is. Just goes to show that grad school is more awesome than I could have thought!

Have a wonderful day! Get out there and do something fun!!

Options Options Options!!

2012-01-20T21:30:00.000-08:00

There is a saying here in England, “If you don’t like the weather, wait a few minutes. It will change.” With the upcoming change of visa requirements and the finish line of school in my sights (even if still months away) it seems like that sentiment is applicable to my plans as well. This sense of confusion, the need to have a plan, seems to radiate throughout the BSA Post Grads.

When I applied to BSA last year it was with the understanding that once a student has a Student Visa and completes their degree they can apply for, and receive, a working visa which will allow them to work full time and guarantee residency for two years. This coming April that is going to change. Students will have to get a job paying 20k a year and get a sponsor before they will be given a working Visa. This brings a lot of challenges, not the least of which is that in this economy not many people are going to be willing to offer a job to a temporary citizen when there are so many Brits out of work. It also lengthens the list of options for all of us.

The variations in these options brings me great joy and excitement. I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a healthy amount of worry in there, but the majority of my energy lies in the idea that, once again, the world is my oyster. I get to start a new chapter in life! I have a new set of tools that ROCK and allow me a stronger leg-hold on the competition. Not to mention an amazing thesis and hopefully some published articles to feather my academic nest.

Here are a few of the options out there:

Move to London without a secure working visa. This means I get an apartment, find a job and audition the hell out of my life until 13 Jan 2013, when my visa expires, at which time if I don’t have a job I head back to the states. (Well let’s be real. I’ll probably spend a few months hiding out in Paris simply because I can.) The idea of living in London makes me smile, gives me a sense of excitement about what’s out there available to me. I can audition for the West End. I can audition for a tour. I can head down to Paris and find work as a voice-over actress. I can coach the American dialect with young actors here. There are options upon options out for me. This seems like the best option for my dream of winning a Tony. Get out there and use myself and my skills, take workshops and continue to grow and learn.
Apply the working visa now, spend the money (about $1000) and give myself the option of staying as long I can. This is the more expensive option and doesn’t give me pressure to find work before my visa wears out. Seems like it would take away a piece of motivation. However, there is something comforting in the idea that I have two years without having to worry about getting kicked out of the country. I can take longer to find a job I enjoy, maybe audition instead of interview, and really enjoy being in the city.
Book a European tour. (Yes please!)
Finish school and head to somewhere on the East Coast. I don’t want to lose my classical training and there is a world of great theater happening on the East side of the USA.
Finish school and head back to California, find work and coach on the side.
There is also the option of going back to school. I would love to get my MFA at San Diego University. That was my number one school choice last year during auditions and I know I did well when I met with them. However, now with a year of classical training behind me I have an even better shot. Here’s what I love about that plan: I LOVE SCHOOL! So the idea I’d get to continue learning, continue training, continue becoming this brilliant vessel of theater is intoxicating.

How lucky am I?!!?

I have a little under 8 months before my thesis is due. I am still in the baby beginnings of my research. My first public workshop goes up in 4 weeks. I have yet to memorize a scene. There is so much to do before any of these listed options start to come in. But the idea that tonight I can sit here and daydream about where my life is going to go, that it doesn’t involve a desk or a CEO or Microsoft Outlook makes me happy, happy, happy.

The thought of my handsome Tony and his friend, the dashing Oscar, sparkling in the sun makes me happy, happy, happy as well.

Back in the Saddle Again

2012-01-17T02:52:00.000-08:00

I arrived back in Birmingham Sunday and, needless to say, am still ridiculously jet-lagged. Last night in my three hour stage combat class I almost fell asleep three times. Thank goodness we spent the first half holding rapiers and daggers and the last hour punching each other in the stomach and kneeing each other in the groin. This morning is proving to be even harder. Song class is usually a great hour of my life, but today all I wanted to do was sleep. I'm currently sitting in the library on campus and seriously debating if anyone would notice if I took a quick kip behind one of the stacks. It's a college, they wouldn't mind, right?

The flight here was uneventful. As I get older, I'm finding my love of flying ebbing sigificantly. I will always fly, I will always travel. But more and more I have painful anxiety when we take off, I have awful flashes of panic when we fly (How are we 30,000 miles over the ocean right now? How are we not dropping into the deep?), and I am always eternally grateful when we land safely. I'm not certain where the next few years will lead me, but I am thankful I don't have to do any 10 hour flights for at least 7 months.

I am so happy to be back at school, but I am hate being so far away from the people I love. I miss my family so much. Don't be fooled, it was so much easier to leave LA when I wasn't seeing anyone. I didn't mind the weeks away because I was excited for a change and ready to live a different life. I also knew I was coming home in 10 weeks and I know I can survive almost anything for 10 weeks. This time I left and the man I love is still in CA. Long distance relationships SUCK! I want nothing more to see him every day and I am not going back to LA for at least 9 months. That is a LONG time! (I can have a baby in that time! Instead, I will get my masters. :)

A rambling blog of some rambling thoughts from a jet-lagged woman running on too much coffee and not enough veggies. Reminds me that I need to go grocery shopping tonight! I promise, the next blog will have life changing thoughts and probably a few interesting stories about what I totally forgot I love and loath about this city.

Until next time........have a GREAT day out there!

My 2012 Resolutions and Goals

2012-01-05T09:32:00.000-08:00

I love New Years Resolutions and I love setting goals for the year. I believe they are two different things that need to be laid out as such and then attacked as such.

Resolutions are things you promise yourself you're going to do: change eating, give up something, stop swearing.......things like that. They are daily or weekly changes you intend to make for the entire year. And they are only for a year. My best friend gave up soda for 2011. You best believe on 1 Jan 2012 he has a Coke. Resolutions are simple changes that last one year, initially, and then you move on. It's like a challenge.

Goals are things you set out for yourself that are long term, may take the entire year and are meant to improve your life in the long run. They are what you would like to see happen this year. You take steps every day to achieve these goals, but it isn't a challenge to yourself to change your life for a year. Unless that is your goal!

I always have a few resolutions and then a TON of goals. The goals are sometimes lofty, sometimes totally attainable. And sometimes they are on the list specifically because I know I will attain then and I can check them off. I set really big goals because I believe life can be really big!

Goals are fluid because life is fluid. Resolutions are constant.

Amie's 2012 Resolutions
- Run a mile a day (allowing myself to make up the miles missed weekly)
- No soda or fast food
- give up chocolate for Lent
- Write two blogs every week
- Keep a daily log of my activities (not emotions), a la Samuel Pepys

Amie's 2012 Goals
- Get my Masters degree
- Graduate with distinction
- run Paris in under 5:30
- book two professional shows in the UK
- sign with a bi-coastal (ideally international) agent at the NY showcase in October
- get weight down to at least 150 by end of third term (29 June) and maintain for rest of year
- get completely out of credit card debt
- work 20+ hours while at school
- understand and initiate portion control with my food
- travel to a new country once a month for the weekend
- maintain a positive relationship with the man I love and keep us moving forward
- work out 5 times a week
- run Asia marathon
- skype with my family weekly to maintain relationships
- watch the 2012 Olympics live in London
- don't get further into debt

I know people don't make resolutions because they believe they can change their life any time during the year. I believe that too. You can change your life every day if you want to. But how much fun to have a challenge, a tangible thing to say you did for the entire year! Go do it!

What are your goals this year and how can I help you attain them?

Happy New Year!!!

Always a New Christmas Tradition

2011-12-24T11:22:00.000-08:00

The last day of school, my friend Katie at BSA asked us all what our Christmas traditions were. She's 24 and this was the first time she had been away from home so close to the holidays. I mentioned a few things that my family did when I was growing up, but it was hard to find something in the past few years that I did every year. I was almost bothered by it until I realized that my tradition is to find new traditions.

This year I am home for Christmas. This hasn't happened in five years. I am usually out caroling and drive home the day afte Christmas for a few days of celebration. I miss my caroling traditions (the gigs we always do, the pizza party we have, the dinners and the Knott's Christmas) and I miss my friends. I miss the man that I love terribly and I miss spending the holidays with him. We have our own traditions and the season is a little off because I don't have him around me every day. But the gift of time with my family helps to make up for all of that. And I am comforted knowing that this is the last year I sleep without him on Christmas Eve.

Because I am home for the first time in years, and my mother is living in a new house, this is a new year of traditions for my family too. There is no longer a "but we always" for anything. The holiday season is our oyster. We always make fudge, we always, make cookies, we always wear silly sweatshirts, we always wrap the night before Christmas, we always eat too much, we always ask mom if what we're wearing to Christmas dinner is okay.....those are all there. But this year we continue to embrace the new and the changes and the surprises.

Next year, as I blend my family with my bf's kids and their traditions, I know my holiday season will change again. I'm okay with that. We will shift celebration days, share meals with new family members and learn how to juggle time with all the different sides of the family. We might even have everyone over to London and spend the season there!

There might not be any more "but we always" but there will forever be lots of "sure, why nots".

Happy Christmas!!

Happy 33rd Birthday Miss Bjorklund

2011-11-22T15:31:00.001-08:00

Happy Birthday to me!!

Let me start by saying I LOVE that this is the date I turn 33 ---> 11/22/11. Cool, right?!!?

I spend an inordinate amount of time examining my life, examining my motivation. I work hard to become a better member of society, a better member of my family and a better friend and partner. There isn't much I do that I don't analyze and try to do better next time. All this while fully living in the moment and loving the life I am building for myself. This amount of self reflection and betterment, while totally worthwhile, is exhausting. So today, for my birthday, I'm going to reflect on the joy that was my day and worry about what to make of it later.

I was really sad last night. I literally cried myself to sleep thinking of how sad I was. Around me sat the wrappers of the feelings I tried to eat- a strawberry trifle, a bag of crisps, a can of Devon cream- and yet it wasn't fixing the problem. I was homesick, no two ways about it, and I was spending my birthday alone. Or so I thought.

This morning I woke up and was met with a "Happy Birthday" text from the man I love. Then had a quick phone call with him before I left for class. Bonus! On the way to school Jack and Olivia (from the MA Voice course) sang Happy Birthday to me as we walked to the bus stop. Throughout the day I had to keep reminding myself it was my birthday, but there was usually someone around to say it to me which made me smile and fully take in that moment of someone wishing me well. It was nice. I got hugs from everyone, I got jokes from people and genuine well-wishes. The bonus of the day? I got to spend it doing what I love.

Not once today did I worry about where my life was going or what I was going to do after school. Not once did I think about calories or my body or fitting into my pants. Not once did I worry about saying the wrong thing or hurting someone's feelings. Not once did I wallow or wonder or worry. This was my day and I enjoyed it.

After school we all went out to dinner with Alex, our course director. We had a lovely dinner filled with conversation and lots of laughs. I chatted with Sarah, Chris and Eric on the way home about words we think are real or not and what they might mean. I got home and turned on my computer to see over 150 people had wished me a happy birthday on facebook. A reminder how lucky I am to live in an age where people aren't forgotten about.

I was then summoned over to the other house where I was serenaded again and had some tea with everyone. We talked about our names and movies and the upcoming Thanksgiving dinner. Their company is something I treasure and I was thankful to be there. When I got home, my roommates knocked on my door and surprised me with singing Happy Birthday to me, complete with a candle. I made a wish. (I would tell you what it is, but that will have to wait until next year.) Then another Skype date with my heart and some more tea. Finally my roommates and I all slid down the banister in the hallway- something we've all wanted to do since we moved in- and bid each other good night.

This was a wonderufl day. It wasn't extraordinary. It wasn't life-altering-ly good or bad. It wasn't anything more than a simple, almost perfect day filled with perfect little moments. I am a lucky lucky woman. Today reminded me of that. If my 33rd year on this earth can be filled with days like there, I will consider myself blessed with every breath I take.

Happy Birthday Amie!!

No weight, no scale, no problem

2011-11-05T18:00:00.000-07:00

For most of the summer I weighed myself. I was doing the HCG diet where you weigh yourself every day. It was wonderful to watch the weight come off so quickly. However, it was not as much fun to watch the weight come back on. I have weighed myself at LEAST weekly for the past three years. There wasn't a day goes by I didn't know how much I weighed within 2 pounds. I was both frustrated and motivated by these numbers but felt I was healthy and aware. I felt in control and powerful because if nothing else, I knew what I weighed.

Guess what I don't have here in the UK. A scale.

It didn't even occur to me until about two weeks of being here. I baby sat for a fellow student and they have a scale in their bathroom. It was like meeting an old friend you used to know very well. I was so tempted to step on it and see what my number was, when I stopped myself. I didn't want to know. Even more than that, I didn't need to know.

My pants are looser, forcing me to wear the belt I brought with me. My tops hang better and my sweaters don't stretch across my middle. My clothes feel comfortable and, dare I say, almost too big for me.

I am sleeping well and not getting sick, minus a few sniffles here and there. I am not breaking out or feeling greasy or weighed down. I am regular and I feel great. I have maintained the vegetarian diet and I love how I feel. I treat myself to a beer when I want one and chocolate when I want those. I eat a lot of food out of a can, because it stays on the shelfs longer, but I also eat an apple every day and greens every day. I drink three liters of water every day at school and then more when I get home. I haven't counted my calories since I got here, nor have I weighed myself.

And I feel great.

There is a part of me that cannot wait to get home and step on that scale. I know I have lost weight and I would love to know the number that goes with that to validate my "hard work". But more than that, I know I am healthy. Losing the scale obsession has been a true gift and something I really enjoy. I like now knowing. I like having to guess. I like that I can go back to imagining I'm in the 150s and loving my body. This is amazing! I am falling in love with myself and it feels so good.

Now, off for more tea!!

Friday Acting Loves

2011-10-21T19:30:00.000-07:00

Remember that time I freaked out about having an eight hour acting workshop every week? Remember how I didn't know what I was going to do with all that time and wasn't just trusting that it would all work out? Well, I should have.

I have had three Fridays so far and I have survived each one of them. The first week we worked on Miracle plays and the very start of story-telling theater. We were handed a script and had to just play with it and block it and cast it. We worked out how the story would be told and what was actually needed. 8 hours- done!

The next week we worked on monologues from Shakespeare. We were each handed the same pieces and we read through them and talked about the choice of words and the phrasing. We looked at the metaphors and when the play appeared in Shakespeare's folio and how that effects the playing of it. We talked about the who and the how and the who. It was a day of on our feet exercises and studying the texts. 8 more hours- DONE! And I'm more in love than ever before.

(If you're following along at home, we worked on Richard III's first speech (Now is the winter of our discontent), the rape monologue from Titus Andronicus (Who is this? my niece, that flies away so fast!) and the tent monologue from Richard III (Oh I have passed a miserable night). We also worked on some clown monologues: Lance's Two Gentlemen of Verona (Nay, 'twill be this hour ere I have done weeping.) and the scene between the brothers in Comedy of Errors.)

Today (Friday) we worked on the character development of the play we will be performing as our end of term project, Thomas Middleton's Women Beware Women. We have not been cast yet, so we all are working together to get to know the journey each character takes in the play. We spend the entire day working on the events each character experiences and how it effects everyone else. It was wonderful to have us all contribute to every character, not just the one we will be working on. We all had to know why the Duke did what he did and why Bianca did what she did. We all have to know what The Ward is doing and why the Mother says what she says. It's vital to the understanding of the play as a whole.

That is something I love about this process. It is wonderful to experience the joy of bringing a play to life without the business side of things. I have spent the better part of 10 years trying to "get the part" and then get the next one. I've worked on musicals and plays as a production and what ticket sales it can bring to the playhouse more than as a work of art that is being produced because it's amazing. I've gotten caught up in having to sell myself in an effort to climb the LA theater ladder instead of truly enjoying bring the story of someone to the stage. There are obviously exceptions to that, but on the whole I have spent more time trying to get cast than truly enjoying being an actor.

20 hours a week of acting workshop will definitely bring that love back. I thank the universe every day that I get to do this for a living. And one of these days, I'll get paid for it!

A Tuesday in the Trenches

2011-10-18T15:34:00.000-07:00

Today I sang my song for Song Class. I'm working on "(Not) Getting Married Today" from Company. It's a beast of a song and I have been trying to memorize the words for 2 weeks. Along with two long-ass scenes and two sonnets. The song tutor (they call them tutors instead of professors here), Dominique, is really great with us and is able to pinpoint our problem areas and work with them. He and I worked with me breaking down each of the beats even more and showing the emotions more fully in my face. It was intense and I was mentally exhausted. I'm pretty sure you can't work on that song for more than 20 minutes before going insane. This is a proven fact.

Then Contextual Studies where we talked about the Renaissance period in history. It's really hard to squash 400 years of enlightenment into an hour lecture, but David is amazing and did it. It's such a joy to listen to him. I am constantly amazed by his wealth of knowledge and ability to engage us.

Acting Workshop was next and we finished reading Women Beware Women by Thomas Middleton. It's the play we're working on for our final workshop and are still in the initial reading of it. The play is really good and has some amazing, layered female characters. We are being cast as play for all our projects. That means we don't audition, the tutors just tell us which part we'll work on. It's interesting to hear the conversations everyone has speculating who will play which part. I'm interested in what I'll get to work on, who wouldn't be? But I also trust our tutors and know that they won't give us anything we can't handle or don't need. I'm here to learn and will willingly take anything I'm giving.

It was a great day at school and I am exhausted. Got to have some fish 'n chips at a quiet pub in Birmingham, which was really good. And a Guinness. Because you can't go to the theater without a Guinness.

The Day I Stood on The Globe Stage

2011-10-16T22:30:00.000-07:00

This morning we all meet at school at 8:45a to get on the bus that will take us to London. No one is especially excited to be at school on a Sunday, but we know it will be worth it. The trip takes about 2.5 hours and I spend it reading the play we're doing for our final project this term and chatting with the guys sitting around me. It's the first time we are all together outside of school and we get to know each other a little better.

Once we get to London we all walk along the Thames to the theater. We are about an hour early so we head in for lunch. The guys and I find a Greek restaurant and introduce Chris to some good Greek food. I'm reminded of my days spent in Greece last October and have a Mythos beer to celebrate how far I've come in a year. Of course I don't tell the guys why I'm celebrating. It's too long a story and...well....they are boys.

After lunch we all meet at the theater again and get our schedule for the day. First we go on a walking tour of The Globe. This is the first time I've been inside the theater and I am taken aback by its size, both at how small it is and how tall. It's open air, with three levels of audience seating as well as the "groundlings" area in front. After studying Elizabethan life for the past two weeks I can really put myself in the world that would have existed 500 years ago. The dress, the smells, the people. It's amazing. The seats are wood and there is no precinium. Along the inside of the Lord boxes are gorgeous paintings of Greek gods and mythological creatures. There is symbolism in everything.

Our tour guide, Amy, tells us a little more about the history of the theater and then we are shuffled off to meet with Yolanda, our workshop guide for the next hour. We follow her up the back stairs (which are gorgeous) and onto the stage. ONTO THE STAGE!! I have the same feeling I had when I stepped on a Broadway stage for the first time. My dream, my goal, is suddenly very real and very attainable. As I stand on that stage and look up at all the "people" in the seats, I believe in my heart of hearts that I will stand on that stage as an actress in one of their productions in this life. I will see that dream come true.

We work for an hour on the stage. Walking around it, getting used to playing all the sides of it and to everyone in the house. It's a different feeling to think you have to connect with people sitting almost over your head. It's a new muscle to bring in people from 270 degrees around you. We work some pieces of text and start to think about what we would have to do differently if we were working in that house. They don't use amplification at all and the need for proper vocal strength and stamina become apparent. The sheer physical power one needs to succeed in this space is astounding, and very motivating.

Me ON The Globe stage!

We next work with one of the actors from the past season, Philip, on some more movement exercises and acting tools we can use. We are in the rehearsal space now and it's neat to think about the people who have worked in that space. The people who have worked to make beloved and feared characters come to life in that Elizabethan stage. I stay focused and try to remember everything we do so I can write it down in my workbook and use it someday, either with a cast or with students.

The day ends with a little shopping (I am a good girl and don't buy anything, knowing I'll be back at some point.) and then we head back on the bus. I watch my iPhone TV shows on the way back, doze a little bit, and talk with Catherine. It's neat to get to know my classmates a better, kind of see where they are coming from in this life.

2012 MA:Brit Trad students

It was an amazing day in all respects. Getting to go to London is always a treat. I'm reminded of my time there a few years ago and start to seriously think about whether I want to stay once my course is over. The idea of living in London for a year, just because I can, is enthralling. I would love to have a London address and go to auditions here. See more of the world and make a living on the West End stage. I could do it! The thought makes me smile and I spend a few moments of the driving daydreaming about the amazing life I would live, with my London flat and agents lining up to cast me. It's the perfect time to do it, and the idea of that being an actual reality is a little daunting. I'm not quite sure I'm ready to deal with what lies ahead of me after school.

Standing on that stage gives me life. It gives me drive and power and a renewed need for success. Every time I stand on a stage I am reminded why I do what I do and why I sacrifice so much. Having the chance to do that this early in the MA program game was a real treat.

The Thames at dusk

An Idiot Chair in Every Country

2011-10-10T06:47:00.000-07:00

Many people want to know the differences in the two countries I have lived in, USA and UK. There are many physical differences:

- People walk on the left side of the road, like they drive, so I have spent the first week here running into people as I try to wade through the busy streets.

- The light sockets all have to be turned on. There is a switch next to all of them that must be clicked before the socket will work.

- Shut up is used as a tool for telling people to be quiet in a polite way, not rudely to tell people to shut their mouths. (One of my acting teachers actually explained this to our class so we wouldn't take offense when he eventually says it. I thought that was endearing.)

- On the keyboard the @ sign is where the " is and visa versa. Have to learn to retype when I'm at school.

However, for all the differences (and there are more, which I will continue to discover in my next year here) people are innately the same. The greatest showing of this is the department store. As I walked through Mark & Spencers today, a store a lot like the American Macy's, I watched the people. What did I see? Men being led around by women on a mission to buy something. The thing that made me laugh? Discovering the men sitting in the "Idiot Chair".

Every department store has an Idiot Chair. This is the chair where the men sit while the women try on clothes. It's usually right next to the fitting room and allows the men to rest while women come and go with different sizes and styles, sometimes stopping to hear what he has to say about a particular article. It also gives men the chance to watch other women trying on their clothes and give opinions.

When I glanced over and saw the two men sitting in the chairs, one in his 20's one in his 50's, I giggled and felt my heart lift. It was a gentle reminder that people are basically the same, no matter where we live. And no matter how much mayonnaise we put on our sandwiches.

MA Brit Trad Day 1

2011-10-03T14:36:00.000-07:00

When I left for school everyone ask to be kept up to date with what I'm learning and what I'm doing here. I had a few people ask for the reading list so they can "get smart too". My goal is to write a little bit every day, as long as there is something interesting to write about. The books we read are really interesting, so I def recommend them if you are looking for something to fill your brain. I'll also have a post this weekend about life here in the UK. Because it is a different country and I don't want to forget all the little things I see that make me go hmmmmmm.

Notes from day 1:

- Got to work on my scene with Sarah and Charles today. For our first assignment we were given a scene from "The Duchess of Malfi". If you haven't read it, I suggest it as a great play. Webster is violent with his plots, but gorgeous with his prose. He is one of Shakespeare's contemporaries and I love his work. Sarah and I are both working on the part of the Duchess and it's neat to see Sarah take on the scene and also to watch Charles work with both of us.

- After acting workshop Sarah and I sat on the steps outside the school and each read our books. It's neat to hang out with people who have as much work as I do and have the desire to work on it, no matter if there are other people around. It was really nice to sit together and read our books separately. It was really comforting.

- Second class of the day was Research Methodology where we learn how to do our final project, our thesis. It was a lecture class and kind of like all first day classes: filled with random info and the promise of more work the next time we meet. I'm excited about my research project and really excited to see what it actually becomes. So many options.

- Our last class of the day was stage combat. Today we worked on swordplay and I loved it! We got to work with the rapiers. I took a year of fencing in undergrad and really enjoyed it. I'm really excited to learn all the different ways to combat people on stage. Because we focus on Renaissance pieces of work this term, we are learning all the different ways and weapons used in that time period. We'll work with all the weapons we'll eventually come across in our careers as classical actors. (My career! Hooray!)

I had a really good day with everything. I'm exhausted, but thankfully it's still the first week so there is not a lot of homework yet and I can get to sleep before midnight. I have to memorize a ten minute scene and read a TON of books, but it will all get done. Tonight I got to Skype, Facebook and post my blog. Add that to the tradition of some good ice cream and I'd say today was a success.

Catch you up tomorrow!

8 Hours of Acting?!!?

2011-09-30T23:01:00.000-07:00

At school we are given a schedule every Friday for the following week. They call the classes "modules" and the set up is pretty much the same week to week. When I get the schedule today (30 Sept 2011) for the following week I almost fall out of my chair. I look at Friday- 900-1300 Acting Workshop, then lunch, then 1400-1800 Acting Workshop.

8 HOURS OF ACTING?!!? In one day?!!? Who does that?

Apparently The Birmingham School of Acting.

I feel a real sense of panic. A sense of confusion and something that feels like defeat. I'm out of my league. I don't know what I'm doing here. How am I going to fill 8 hours of anything, except sitting on my ass in a chair? What would ANYONE do? Rehearsals usually aren't that long and even then you have an end result.

I feel I am completely out of my league here. There is a brief moment of panic and I seriously start to rethink the idea of spending 10 weeks in a place that forces me to act for 20 hours every week. Oh, did I not mention that before the 8 hours on Friday we have three, 4 hour blocks during the week? It's a lot of acting.

Dear Amie,

This is why you're here. This is why you're spending thousands of dollars. This is how you're going to change your life.

This is where you are meant to be.

Shut up and go to acting class.

Sincerely,

Future Amie

Damn, Future Amie can be quite bossy sometimes. And she's usually.....always.....correct.

The Awesomeness of Being a Grad

2011-09-28T18:55:00.000-07:00

Walking around campus today I had the coolest feeling. I’m cool. Now, I’m a cool person for any number of reasons. However, my fellow students don’t know that....yet. At school, I am cool simply because I’m a grad student. That's awesome.

When I was an undergrad at CSUF I adored the grad students. I thought they were these amazingly talented people who were going to change the theater world and could show me how it’s done. I admired their skill level and their ability to take risks. They were like this mystical, foreign being in my school life.

As I walked through the Birmingham School of Acting today, taking in the classes and the surroundings, I noticed undergrads watching me and sizing me up. Knowing who I was, but not knowing exactly what I was going to do at that school. Knowing that I was a grad student and was going to change the theater world. And blow their undergrad minds.

One girl came up to me as I was sitting, waiting for the rest of my classmates to finish getting IDs. She blushed a little as she asked me if I was in the MA program. I told her I was, and asked her what she was studying. She giggled and said “Acting Fundamentals” then turned heel and walked quickly away.

I smiled to myself, remembering exactly how she felt. Dumbfounded and wordless in the presence of greatness.

Alright, so maybe I’m romanticizing things a little bit. But whatever! I’m in friggin’ grad school!!! To some people in this world, I’ve made it.

Now it’s time to go change the world!

As soon as I get a bank account......

10 Weeks No Meat!!

2011-09-26T05:49:00.000-07:00

I land in England in a few hours and I have made a decision. I am going to be a vegetarian/vegan while I am over there. Alcohol is veggie, right? And I am not going to have sex. Thus begins my 10 Weeks of No Meat!! (I know it’s crass, but I like the play on words. It always makes me giggle when anyone refers to a man’s package as “meat”.) Besides, you know I can’t just do one thing. There has to be a hook.

There are several reasons why I’d deprive myself of sex and beef for the next 10 weeks. After reading “The Veganist” by Kathy Feston and “The Kind Diet” by Alicia Silverstone this summer, I cannot, in good conscious, eat meat again. I know that in my life I will be given circumstances where I have to eat meat because it’s the only option. I am done making two Thanksgiving dinners, so there’s another one. And I’ll eat whatever my mother makes for me. But right now? When it’s just me and I am perfectly happy eating beans out of a can? A meatless existence it is!

And the no sex? Easy! I’m in grad school! When am I going to sleep, let alone with anyone? My reading list is two pages long. I have no interest in starting anything with anyone here, including the cute British boys I haven’t met yet. I am here for one thing- my masters degree in acting. I’m not here to find a husband. I’m not here to sleep around. I’m not here to do anything but become a smarter and technically better actress. My celibacy will probably prove to be a powerful tool in warding off potential suitors. I’ll just tell them I’m not interested and move on. And for the persistent man who cannot take “no” for a final answer because I am so gorgeous? Well, I’ll just tell him I already have a cute British sex slave waiting for me at home. That should work, right?

I’m confident this is an excellent decision. No meat to clog up my brain or my digestive system. Eventually no dairy. If I like it, I'll continue the veggie lifestyle into my next two terms. No British man demanding my time and clogging my emotions or my heart, leaving me free to concentrate on school work. I have a tendency to obsess with boys and how they see me. I focus on why or why not someone wants to sleep with me. I compare myself with the women who have boyfriends and wonder why I'm not good enough to have someone. Me and love is a hot mess. So I'm taking it off the table. I'm going to work on ME and what I want in this life and what I can someday offer to someone. This is my year to grow as an artist and I cannot have some 3 month international fling mess that up.

I’m entering this new country, and this new chapter in my life, with a clean slate. I have confidence this is the best decision I’ll make over the Atlantic. Because my choice in airplane food left something to be desired!

Any interest in going meatless with me? Read “The Veganist” or “The Kind Diet” and you might be more interested in joining me! It’s only 75 days. You can do it! (I’ll throw in Thanksgiving Cheat Day as an incentive if that’s easier.)

Just Another Day at the Gym

2011-09-12T17:23:00.000-07:00

Let me introduce you to Jorge. He frequents the 24 Hour Fitness in Elk Grove and is usually the only man in the class. I met him the first time on a Friday and I immediately positioned myself at the other side of the room. I am pretty good at reading people and knowing if I will or won’t get along with someone. Jorge knows the instructor and people in the class. He’s not bad looking, for a 50 yr old Asian man able to come to a 9a weight class on a work day. I don’t really think about him as an important person in my life, finish the class and put him out of my mind.

After a weekend of not being able to walk because of the class, Monday finds me sharing space with Jorge again. The class counts out groups and we end up in the same boot camp rotation. Here is my interaction with Jorge:

J: Maybe I should be on the other side so I can lead us.
A: What? No thank you. I’m okay here.
J: I’ve taken this class before.
A: Okay. I’m still okay here.

We do the jump rope section. He hands me the rope he “thinks I should be using” since he’s so much taller than I am. Argh!

Move to the mats for plank. Each section is a minute rotation and there is no need for any talking or interaction. Jorge doesn’t seem to understand this.

J: You should stay on the mat. It’s easier.
A: I’m okay. Thanks.
J: You’re form will be better if you use a mat.
A: Really okay. Thank you.

Move to the tri-cep station

J: I need the bigger weights.
A: (thinking to myself: Of course you do)

Move to the tuck jump station.

J: I’m going to go in front of you since I’ll go faster.
A: No. I’ll go first. You can wait. (What? Who is this woman? I smile at my strength in holding my station and not bowing to him. There is no reason he needs to be in front of me and I refuse to be someone he walks over.)
J: But I’m faster than you.
A: You can wait. It’s okay.
Instructor calls over: You should let Jorge go in front of you. He’ll run you over.
A: Nope. I told him he can wait. But thank you.
Inst: Oh.....okay.

We do the tuck jumps and halfway through he steps out because he hurts him back. I’m not surprised considering he did the jumps with such force I almost laughed. High jump all the way down to full plie. What is he thinking? I smile to myself as he stands and has to wait for me to finish my perfectly formed tuck jumps. Without the male ego.

We move to the push ups, which are uneventful. The next two stations are wordless. I have made my point that I don’t want to interact with him and he isn’t going to step on me or my work out.

We get to the jump ropes again for cycle two.

J: If you had let me go in front of you, I wouldn’t have hurt my back.
A: (Jumping rope) What?
J: (not jumping rope) I had to stop myself from running into you, forcing me to throw out my back.
A: (Still jumping rope) Nice try. It is not my fault. You should have waited. I didn’t tell you when to go.
J: (Still not jumping rope) You should have let me go in front of you.
A: (Done jumping rope now because it’s been a minute.) No. It is not my fault you hurt your back.

At this point I’ve written Jorge off as a complete douchebag. I am NOT backing down to him and I am NOT apologizing for something that is not my fault. This is a huge step for me. The old Amie would have apologized just to make him happy, regardless of how it made me feel.

We do another round, him only doing half the work-out because his back still hurts (which he has now told everyone in the class about) and me working harder than ever, determined to not let him get to me.

My favorite part of the work out? Our final time at the jump rope station.

J: So, what’s that on your back?
A: What? (I’m jump roping again.)
J: On your back? A phoenix? Or a male rooster?
A: A phoenix.
J: So you’re what, mid twenties? That’s usually the time women decide to ruin their bodies.
A: Um, I’m 32.
J: Ah.... You shouldn’t have a tattoo. You shouldn’t desecrate your body like that. Your body is a temple.
A: (At this point I stop jumping rope, completely thrown he is now giving me a lecture.) I know my body is a temple. That is why I’m at the gym.
J: So are you going to get it removed?
A: What?!!? No. I love it.
J: You should. It’s not okay.

Oh. My. GOD!!! I just look at him, take a deep breath and get into my plank pose for the final round. Still without a mat and still with the focused determination to sweat him out of my space.

Oh life. Thank you.

Good-bye Desk, Hello Future!

2011-08-19T15:27:00.000-07:00

It’s not easy to go after your dreams. It’s not easy to say “no” to the easy and push for what you want. A dream can be anything- weight loss, houses, kids, travel. The list is endless and each of them are attainable. Sometimes reaching for your dreams means having the right platform to jump from.

I quit my job in Feb with the intention to never return to an office. At the time I hadn’t been accepted into school and I had no idea how I was going to fulfill my big dream shoes. I just knew I had to leave the office. After I got into Birmingham for my MA I knew I needed to fill my days, and my bank account, with work and a temp office job was the most logical. No one was going to hire me knowing I was leaving in six months. So once again I found myself sitting at a desk.

Today, at 4:30, that ends. The next time I will be at a desk I will own the company. Now is the time to dream big. It’s so exciting! I’m not sitting at a desk again. I’m not going to be a waitress. I’m not going to DJ parties for rich people. I’m not going to do anything that doesn’t move me forward creatively and artistically. I’m no longer sacrificing my dreams and goals for the easy.

This is a risky move, packing up everything and leaving for a year, but I know it’s the right move for me. I’m trusting this is where my life is supposed to go in order for me to fulfill my purpose on this earth. I have known for years that sitting at a desk is not for me so I’m taking the steps to change it. My dreams are going to come true. My dreams are reachable, attainable, and so completely doable it scares me.

When I walk out of this office at 4:30 today I’m not looking back. I’m not going to think about how I’ll pay my bills or have health insurance or work experience. I’m not going to think about the calming routine of a job where I don’t have stress or have to over extend myself. I’m going to walk out these doors and look to the future.

A future filled with promise and performing. A future filled with amazing food and wonderful friends who continue to support me. A future where I am in charge of my destiny and where I take myself.

These office jobs have served me well. They’ve provided a place to practice monologues and write my blog. They’ve given me supplies to print out resumes and submit myself. They’ve given me a safe and secure place to live. (Twice in my nomad life I have actually slept in the offices where I worked.) They’ve fed me. They’ve provided me lasting friendships. They’ve given me paychecks.
More than anything, they’ve given me a strong platform to jump from in order to reach for my stars.

Thank you, office jobs, for giving me a future to look forward to.

Cheating and eating

2011-08-18T14:11:00.000-07:00

Being honest is important to me. I want to present my true self to the world and stand behind everything I put out there. Otherwise why be here? Why live this life if not to inspire and help and guide the people around us? Being healthy, and representing a healthy lifestyle, is important to me. I want to inspire people to lead an honest and healthy life. My life’s purpose is starting to take shape and direction.

Today’s blog shows a weaker side of me. My food choices this weekend are not something I’m proud of. They’re also not something I want to hide, making my journey to good health look effortless. We all deal with temptations and choices. We all have low points in our personal journeys. My goal is to show it’s not the end of the world and we always have the choice to pick ourselves up and start over.

I don’t do well with deprivation. I’m fine if I can’t afford something. I’m fine if I want something and it’s not available. I can always make it work out. However, I am not okay if something I want is available, I can afford it and I can’t have it. Not sure what that says about me. Almost like I’m okay with the circumstances that are unchangeable, but if I can change it I will do everything in my power to get what I want.

Including cheat on my eating plan.

Like I mentioned in my last post , I cheated hard core on Sunday. Well, hard core for this low calorie phase of the lifestyle restructuring. I ate poorly with my mother at breakfast, and I loved every minute of it. I said no to the treats at the theater, but on the way home I stopped three times (THREE TIMES) to get something else I craved. I bought a Twix, a Kit-Kat, Spicy Doritos, Sour Cream Cheddar Ruffles, and a piece of red velvet cake. I didn’t eat the full package of any of these foods. I didn’t want them. I just wanted a taste. Of the five things I bought and tasted, the only good one was the Twix.

When I was done I looked at the food in the trash. I’d only eaten quarter of the cake, about 10 chips from each bag, one of the Twix bars, and only a bite of the Kit-Kat. I didn’t feel bad about what I had done. I truly enjoyed every first bite and was proud of myself for stopping when I did. At that point I was so racked with cravings I could have eaten 7-Eleven out of business. But I only had a few bites of each thing and then threw it away. I was more interested in the why.

Why did I do this? Why couldn’t I stop myself from buying everything I wanted? Why did I remain so strong for so long, only to fall so easily? Is there something about me that is so self-destructive I can’t say no, even when my health and well being are on the line? Why do I cheat?

I’m only hurting myself when I do. No one else has a dog in this fight. As a matter of fact, I have so many supporters in this journey it takes my breath away. Cast and crew at the theater, my co-worker, my mother…..I have people around me who are rooting for me and remind me I am worth this. So why, when I’m alone in my car, do I think it’s okay to let myself down?

I don’t know. After thinking about this for a few days I can look back and really think about why. I still don’t have an answer. Because I can? That’s weak. Because it’s there? Weak. Because I want it? Weak. I didn’t need the food. I was hungry, but I could have had an apple.

Maybe I did it to prove that I still have the choice. That I have the opportunity to cheat and I also have the power to give in. I can have the chocolate and the cheese and the fried foods. Go ahead Amie. No one is telling you that you can’t. But how did I feel after? Like a loser. Like a weak loser who was hiding in her car eating crap food like a fugitive. That’s nothing to be proud of. That’s the low.

Writing this now, I think I had to feel that I still have the choice so I can be strong enough to say no. I had to eat those foods again so I could feel that they truly aren’t worth it. I had to get that low in order to see how high I CAN go. I had see that I have the choice to say yes to the food, but the strongest Amie says yes to herself first.

The Strongest Amie eats whole foods and goes for long runs and smiles. The Strong Amie laughs with her friends, cooks fresh dinners and looks to the future. The Strong Amie looks at the choice she made on Sunday and high-fives herself for moving past it and moving on. The Strong Amie has a balance in her life. The Strong Amie is the one who will succeed.

Good luck out there.

HCG Week 3 – 162.4

2011-08-16T15:47:00.000-07:00

I cheated this weekend. My mama was in town and we went out to eat. I have been so good! But having her around, feeling the comfort and the knowledge that she’ll love me no matter what I weigh, made it really easy to slip up. She’s so supportive of what I do, even reminding me to keep on track with my food, and I am so grateful for her love. I didn’t do too horribly...... Okay- that’s a lie. I fell apart epically on Sunday and it is chronicled in the next posting. However, when I got on the scale yesterday I was only up .4. (In this game that is a lot.)

So I did an apple day and I’m back on track.

I want my mom to be healthy. It is really hard for me to not pack up everything in a van and move home to be with her and help her and stay get healthy. Since hitting 50 she’s gained a lot of hormone weight and I know it bothers her. I want to be there for her. But since I can’t, I love her from here and support her from here. I have a feeling, with all the changes she is facing these next few months, she will put herself first again and will come around to the lifestyle and body she wants. I want her around for another 20+ years and that’s only going to happen if she’s healthy.

So, thanks to a VERY low calorie diet and the HCG, I’m down 9.2 lbs in two weeks. Not too shabby for someone who has never lost that much in two months. I see some of the physical differences: my clavicle is a bit more pronounced, my cheek bones are a little more defined and my ass is getting perkier. I can see where the weight is coming off, and it is such amazing motivation. Mentally, though, I feel like I am pounding at wall.

It’s a hard concept to try to put into words. I simply can’t feel it. I can’t trust it. I know I need to visualize myself down another 10 lbs, but I can’t seem to even think about it. Almost as soon as I allow myself the happiness of even imagining reaching my goal a dark shadow crosses my mind and I’m stopped. Am I afraid to achieve this? Am I panicking about actually losing the weight? I don’t get it.

Even as I talk to myself in the mirror, motivating myself to drink more water and not eat the cake, I don’t believe it. Even as I give myself pep talks after a slip, telling myself it’s okay and to move forward, all I see is failing and being stuck where I am. Reaching the 150s is completely doable by Friday. And yet I see nothing but cynicism when I say it. I don’t feel the conviction of actually completing this.
Can I really move forward with this experience and fully let go of the Amie that has been walking around all this time? Can I move into the next phase of my physical life and embrace the new me? Can I let go and move forward?

The goal for this week, week 3, is to weigh in under 160. The goal is to confidently reach the 150s. Trust that I deserve it, that I DO have the power to hit that goal and that I am capable of achieving this goal. I have to let go to grab on to the next future.

I have to let go. Bring it.

PS- I feel a little silly even saying these things because I know there are people struggling to lose huge amounts of weight. People who would happily celebrate 10lbs without over-thinking it. I hope this blog doesn't sound pretentious or like I'm trying to be something I'm not. Dealing with this is a real struggle and I can't put my finger on the "why". I'm trying to be the best Amie I can be, and I believe I'll be that without these next 10lbs.

Won't we all just die if it turns out they didn't matter at all?

Restating My Purpose-Driven Life

2011-08-11T10:39:00.000-07:00

Go! Live your dream! Go enjoy your life.

Tonight I open Into The Woods as The Witch. I was walking around, warming up, last night and I stopped myself and took a deep breath. I sat with the realization that I get to play The Witch. I’m doing it. I looked to the sky and thanked the universe for this gift. For the validation, again, that I am on the right path and doing what I am meant to do.

A year ago I stood in the same courtyard, warming up for The Narrator in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It was also a part I had wanted to play for years. I took the same deep breath, looked to the sky and gave thanks. In the past 7 months I have played parts that have been on my wish list since high school: Reno in Anything Goes, Mayzie in Seussical and The Witch in ITW. I have managed to cross off almost my entire wish list in a 12 month period. That blows my mind.

I get to play The Witch. Even as I sit here, saying that sentence over and over, I can’t believe it’s true. Yet, here we are. Opening night. And I have never been more sure of anything.

As many of you know, I have been struggling with where I fit in this world. What am I “supposed” to be doing? Where can I best be used? What am I here for? I have thought about physical therapy, music therapy, event planning, marketing, nursing, teaching……anything and everything that sounded like it would help the world. Something I could do that would use my skills and be useful. I have taken business classes, talked with PTs and shadowed event planners. I have run around like a chicken for years, trying to find where I fit. All while doing shows and networking and finding my nitch in the theater world.

I fit on stage. I belong on stage. Never has that been clearer to me than this year. I believe in my heart, all the way down to my tired toes, that I belong in the theater community. As a tree, as a showgirl, as a witch…..whatever they’ll have me do. I love everything about this world and here is where I will make a difference.

Here is where I will give an extra hug to the little girl who needs one. Here is where I will guide new actors into the confidence building world that is live theater. Here is where I will look a fellow actor in the eye and give them the strength to "go there" because they trust I'll be there with them. Here is where I will hug someone a little longer, letting them know there are good people out there who care for them. Here is where I will make the world better.

It might seem like a silly thing, making the world better through theater, as an actor. And for a really long time I felt selfish and a little small minded for wanting to live my life on the stage. But it’s not. It’s not selfish to want to affect people and touch them and allow them the freedom to feel things. It’s not selfish to want to make people laugh and enjoy life. It’s not selfish to offer mental release from stress and pain. It’s not selfish to motivate people to get out there and live their dream and make their world the best it can be. And it’s certainly not selfish to live a life that is filled with purpose, where I feel completely fulfilled by the universe.

I might never buy a big house with a full sized theater. I might never retire. I might never have the latest gadgets or movies or books. I might never take lavish vacations or travel the world with nothing but my expensive camera in my hand. I might never…..a lot of things. The reality of being a working actor is a small bank account.

But here is what I will have. I will have the confidence and faith that I am doing God’s work and using the talents I have been given. I will have peace in knowing that I changed lives and made a difference in people. I will have the joy in a world filled with my family, my friends and people I love dearly. I will have peace that I used my time here to the best of my ability. I will have comfort that comes with knowing I have a dream, I’m living my dream and I’m working my ass off to make all my dreams a reality.

This does not, however, lessen my determination to marry a Prince and get those new expensive gadgets. A Princess is allowed more than one dream, right?

HCG Week 2 – Yes To the Future

2011-08-08T10:30:00.000-07:00

Here we go. I am down 6 lbs this week (165.4) and am really excited to see what happens next. I just need to stay the course and keep strong.

Keep strong.

That’s not easy. Over the weekend I was tempted a LOT. Breaking the habit of eating at drive-thrus after rehearsal only took a few days. You just put the blinders on and drive home. Breaking the habit of taquitos and an iced tea before shows was easy. You just stop going to 7-eleven. I knew those habits were coming. It’s the surprise attacks from the outside world I’m still learning to be more mentally prepared for.

Saturday there was a cast BBQ and when I got to the theater, after a 6 hour tech for my next show, I saw nothing but treats. Literally everything I ate to gain these 20lbs was sitting there; ice cream, brownies, homemade cookies, pizza and chocolate. It was really hard to say no. Really hard. It would have been so easy to say, “Oh I’ll have a tiny bite.” Or just a small spoonful of ice cream. Or a piece of the chocolate bar. I knew it wasn’t going to really hurt me.

Or would it?

I have cheated on every diet I’ve been on. Even when I was a vegan I would cheat and have bakery items I knew had eggs and butter in them. I don’t want to be a cheater any more. I want to be confident that I am strong enough to say “no”. Especially to something as silly and inconsequencial as ice cream. Baby steps to saying no in other parts of my life.

Saturday night was the Seussical girls sleep-over, complete with junk food galore. This time it was all the salty foods I love; chips with french onion dip, carmel sauce, popcorn. I remained strong, eating apple slices and seaweed. I ate more calories than I was supposed to, but they were all approved and I felt that was a win for me. I remained stronger than the food. Even in the morning when it was free food (something I hate saying “no” to) and the hotel had panckae wrapped sausages. I love that! But I said “no”. Because I know that every time I say “no” to the now I am truly saying “yes” to the future.

Sunday morning at tech I was met with donuts, one of my biggest downfalls, and I was tempted once again. But I remained strong. It was REALLY hard!! I was actually surprised at how difficult it was to not eat them. It’s just food!

Then sushi Sunday night with the cast. A revolving sushi bar with every kind of sushi one could want. It was a little piece of heaven! I’m telling you, the universe put up a good fight these past two days. It threw all my favorites at me, yet I remained strong. And I went to sleep on Sunday quite proud of myself.

I didn’t cheat. I didn’t eat the foods I’m not supposed to. I stayed the course and remained strong. This is huge! I succeeded in being true to my goal and trusting that the outcome is worth putting off satisfaction. That is a reallybig deal.

The kicker? And the thing that tells me my lesson is not over? This morning I weighed myself and the scale didn’t move. Not an ounce. However, instead of beating myself up and turning to the sweets with a “What does it matter” attitude, I’m breathing and staying strong and keeping on the food protocol. Drinking more water and trusting the process. The universe tried to derail me again, this time with something it knew would hurt me. I remained strong. I am strong. I WILL do this and I will succeed.

Then I will have celebrate with some soy ice cream!

HCG- Friday success

2011-08-05T22:22:00.000-07:00

I weighed myself this morning and had lost another pound (166). It seemed too good to be true. I stared at the number and started to tear up. I am doing this. This weight is coming off. I don’t know why I didn’t believe it would happen. People lose weight all the time. I just don’t feel like I deserve it and that once it happens, what will I do?

Those are two huge things to think about. I don’t deserve it? Who doesn’t deserve to be healthy and happy? Who doesn’t deserve to look great? Who doesn’t deserve to be rewarded for their hard work? What about me makes me feel a sense of shock and fear when I see something I’m working towards start to actually happen. I’m succeeding. So why am I scared?

And the issue of actually completing a task? Finishing something? This is a good thing Amie! This is a great thing, and I will succeed. It’s okay to be good at something and have a tangible outcome.

I’m not sure why I have such a block with this. I’m not sure why it scares me to lose this weight, so succeed, to be happy and have one less obstacle in my life. But it does.

As I look down at my belly, my “trouble spot” I realize I’m comfortable here. That’s no good. I have to get out of this comfort zone. I have to push myself harder and work smarter to lose this weight and become the brilliant working machine I know I can be. I have to go through these painful mental times and push into calm, powerful self esteem. I have quit too many times before because I was afraid to succeed. That has to stop. No more excuses. No more comfortable. No more imaginary issues that hold me back. It’s time to move forward.

Vying for Disasterella

2011-08-04T16:23:00.000-07:00

www.disasteronheels.com

I came upon this blog through a friends Twitter account. (I love social media so much!) I fell in love with the name and then the writing. I realized I had found a kindered spirit in the blog-universe and someone I wanted to get to know, even if it remained a one-way relationship. I'm kind of used to those.

Then on Tuesday she posted her Walk of Shame video and a reminder she was still taking submission for Disasterella. Disasterella?!!? That is ME! All that was needed was a good Walk of Shame story. Well, if nothing else I have at least a dozen WOS stories that display my love of living life to the fullest.

I email her four options and ask her which one she wants to hear. She emails back that afternoon with palpable excitment, telling me she loves my stories and any one of them would work. And maybe she would like all of them to do a feature about me on her blog. Shut up! Yes, please!!

Here is what I sent her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wake up and look at the wall next to me. It takes me a minute to realize I don’t recognize it. At all. I slowly turn my head to the side in an effort to get my bearings. I see the tell-tale bars of a hostel bunk bed. I wouldn’t have known this before last week, but since this is the seventh hostel in as many days, I’m getting used to memorizing the color of the beds. I’m pretty sure I’m still in Brussels, home of the blue-railing hostel. As I roll over to my stomach, getting on my hands and knees in an effort to keep my head from spinning, I feel my shirt stick to me. I realize with a frown that I am wet. Sopping wet, head to toe, along one side of my body. And I’m not wearing pants.

What?

I am not wearing pants. And I have to pee. I slowly move over to get off the bed when I see that I am on the top bunk. I look over the side, hoping my pants will be lying-in-wait for me to rescue them from their leg-less existence. My cursory look with blood-shot eyes reveals I have nothing there. Not my backpack or my purse…..or traveling companion. I take a deep breath and realize with a smack of confusion that I am in the wrong bed, in the wrong room and I’m still not sure if I’m even in the right hostel.

I peel the sheet off me and assess my situation. I have to get down the bunk bed ladder, preferrably without vomiting everywhere. I soon discover there is no graceful way to do this. I crawl down, ass in the air, praying quietly no one would wake up to my decending thong. I see 5 people in their beds, all sound asleep. As I pull my clothes away from my body- Why am I wet?!!?- I double check that my travel companion is for certain not in the room. He is not. There is nothing for me to do but walk through the hostel and hope to find him. In my underwear.

I have a fleeting thought that a shower might be nice, but since I cannot find my pants I’m certain a towel is not in my near future.

I open the door out to the hall, positioning a random shoe in the automatically-locking doorway in case I have to return. I walk down the hall, my urge to find my pants trumped by my need to find a bathroom. I succeed in finding the ladies room and splash some water on my face. The shower taunts me, but I tap the door with resignamtion and continue on my search. With newfound determination I head out to find my companion, and my pants.

Three doors, and room searches later, I find him, sleeping soundly. On the top bunk. At this point I am so happy to see him I no longer care that I have to climb, ass out, up to see him. This time with the tell-tale stirrings of people waking up so I’m certain the thong show was seen in all its glory. I also am too happy to see him to consider that he might not want a soaking wet, pantless, hungover girl crawling in bed with him. He didn’t. I was greeted with a groggy “Why the HELL are you wet?!!?”

I answer him with a pat him on the cheek and ly down next to him, squeezing myself next to him on the twin-sized bed, slyly stealing the covers from him. He tells me my pants are in my backpack, which is on my bed underneath us. I smile and tell him to wake me when it’s time to go. He laughs sinisterly, tells me the train leaves in 45 minutes and to get my pants on.

45 minutes? Apparently my hangover will follow us to Bruge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There you go. I hope she likes it. I hope I win. If nothing else, this might lead me to a double sided-relationship and a new blogging friend. There are worse things.

HCG- Days 3-5

2011-08-03T10:31:00.000-07:00

168.4

Good morning to me! I am so eager to wake up every morning and see what the scale says. This fast dropping is exactly what I need to keep me motivated. And believe me, with a diet that is just veggies, protein and 2 fruits a day, I need all the motivation I can find.

Monday was a difficult day. I woke up with a pounding red wine headache from dinner the night before. The steak house with my girls was so much fun, and exactly what I needed as a “last supper” sort of thing, although my bank account disagrees with me. I spent much of Monday with a headache, which I was ready for. Everything I read said headaches are a side effect. I can handle a headache. It’s a small price to pay for a svelte, healthy figure.

Food on Monday- a grapefruit, 4 melba crackers, sliced chicken breast, green beans, tuna fish, 2 small cucumbers, and an apple. Along with lots of green tea, herbal tea and about a gallon of water. The water is the biggest part. I already drink a lot, but with this eating protocol they ask for even more. So I’m doing it.

I felt tired and awful Monday. No sense in denying it. I wasn’t hungry, but I was a little grumpy. At rehearsal I got a little light headed, but remedied it with more water. I'm sure the lightheaded-ness was more from the mask, gloves and cloak the Witch wears. I'm sweating buckets!

Tuesday was more of the same. Grapefruit, 5 shrimp, cauliflower, sliced chicken, 2 plums, 4 melba crackers, a tomato, water and tea. I added in a few cups of black coffee because I didn’t want the same headache I had on Monday. There are hunger pangs, but nothing that is going to kill me. I truly hate being hungry, but I’m learning it’s not the worst thing in the world. I always have something to eat with me, so when I start to get hungry to the point of sick I just pop in a tomato or cucumber slice. It’s not amazing, but it works. In the past, when I have tried calorie counting diets or deprivation diets, I always give up when I get truly hungry, falling into the “life is too short to be hungry” frame of mind. Life is short. But this eating pattern is only 30 days. I can feel hunger a few times because the pay off is worth it.

Things I’m noticing:

- I feel lighter. Maybe it's all in my head, but I am noticing that I just feel cleaner and less worn down in my body. I no longer feel like I don't fit in my skin. It's a hard thing to explain, but it's there. I also felt this way when I became vegan and gave up dairy. The first few days you really start to feel that layer of lactose clear out of your system. It's wonderful.

- Doesn’t take so much to fill me up. I used to be able to eat an entire medium pizza. I’m not proud of that fact, but it’s good for a comparison. These days I’m eating really small portions more frequently and I have a hard time even finishing an apple. I know I need to eat all my calories for the day so I force myself to finish. Instead of three meals I am having better luck with 6 small meals spaced throughout the day. Plus it gives me something to look forward to.

- The cravings for crap food are still here. I got into some amazingly bad habits these past two months. Drive-thrus on the way home from rehearsal was the worst and I am feeling it this week. I wasn’t really hungry last night on my way home from rehearsal, but I wanted to stop and get something to eat. Simply because I wanted to. So instead I went to the supermarket and bought food to cook and eat for the next three days. Cooking was wonderful. I haven’t cooked for myself in a really long time. I think I had spaghetti in June. Seriously, that’s the last time I made something for myself to eat.

- I’m surprised to find myself less distracted by boys. Apparently I have an obsessive personality and always need to be thinking about how to do something. All of July I was thinking about boys and how to snag one. Apparently August is going to be about food and how I can survive without my bad habits. Boys included.

- I really want a milk shake

I am down three pounds. That is a big deal. This is working. It is difficult. It takes work and planning and commitment. It takes having the strength to tell myself “no” and honestly be okay with it. I am learning a lot about what I need and what I want.

Most importantly, I’m learning that I am worth putting in the effort.

HCG- Days 1&2- Two days of EATING!!

2011-07-31T23:52:00.000-07:00

My favorite part of this diet, other than the projected weight loss? Phase 1. During the first two days on the drops you are asked to eat high calorie, high fat foods to stimulate your hypothalamus gland and store up calories with the hormone now in your system. Whipped cream on that? Yes please! Milk shake? Yup. Fries? Well, I don’t usually eat french fries, onion rings are my weakness, but sure! Two days of saying yes to everything.

These two days are also a time to say good bye to foods since the diet is so strict for 30 days. And ultimately I will not return to these negative eating habits, so it’s a true good-bye. Here is what I ate Saturday and Sunday:

Saturday- large blended mocha with whipped cream, two donuts, foot-long Italian subway sandwich with cheese, ravioli, cheese bread, 24oz beer, frozen yogurt, linguine, jack and coke, Taco Bell big box. (whew! That’s a lot of food)

Good bye donuts, blended mochas, Taco Bell and cheesy Italian food.

Sunday- McGriddle, large iced Carmel mocha with whipped cream, 7-11 taquitos, another iced coffee, cheeseburger, strawberry milkshake, filet mignon, Cesar salad, mashed potatoes, mac n cheese, ice cream, bottle of wine and shots.

Goodbye McDonalds, In-n-Out, 7-Eleven, and ice cream

There you go. Food I will not eat again for a month. There are no cheat days on this food plan. Looking at that food list I’m impressed and a little ill. This is not the food of a healthy person. This is someone who doesn’t care and is just eating because she feels she deserves it. No one deserves to treat their body like this. It’s a machine that needs love and nurturing and good fuel. The sad part? I felt great all weekend. No bloating or upset stomach or anything. That only tells me I am in deeper than I thought. My body should be repelling these foods, not accepting them as par for the course.

Tomorrow starts the 1000 calorie days for a month. 30 days of conscious choices and smart food plans. 30 days of getting back in touch with my body, why I eat what I eat and why I feel I “should”. It’s only 30 days of saying “no” and drinking tea instead of beer. 30 days to change my life forever? I can do this. I have to do this.

Here’s to tomorrow!

HCG- Why this one?

2011-07-30T09:21:00.000-07:00

After weeks of reading every article online I decided on doing the HCG diet. Trust me, I didn’t enter into this lightly. As a struggling artist and soon to be starving grad student I certainly don’t have the $100 to spend on something other than getting out of debt. And, like always, I wanted to be able to be strong and say “If I just work harder I can do this without paying for programs or anything”. But when I’m honest with myself I see that I am not that strong. I don’t do well with long-term incentives. I promised myself a trip to Vegas and a new white bikini if I lost 20 lbs in 6 months and I couldn’t do it. I’m actually heavier than when I set that goal in January. I know that I need something with lighting fast results that will change my life. HCG sets that standard.

There is a lot of information about the HCG diet. More than I can put here. Plus you’ll want to do your own reading if you’re interested. The gist of the diet is HCG is the hormone that pregnant women use to pull nutrition from their body to feed the fetus. Oor bodies are pretty brilliant. Dr. Simione discovered that if he injected this hormone into non-pregnant people their bodies will start to use the stored calories the same way. Fast forward 54 years and I’m ordering it online. The claim is a woman can lose 20 lbs in a month (men upwards of 30lbs the first month) and keep it off because your body readjusts itself. Like a resetting. I have been this weight for 3 years. I need something to shake things up and get moving in the right direction.

The saying “If it’s too good to be true it probably is” might work with this diet. Afterall, of COURSE I’m going to lose weight quickly. I’m restricting my calories to 1000 a day, cutting out dairy, carbs and sugar. I’m obviosuly going to lose weight. However, the drops (whether placebo effect or true help) are what’s going to keep me in line and successful. I have to take the drops 3 times a day. So three times a day I am forced to re-evaluate what I’m doing and look at my choices. I can’t just blindly go through life any more, not paying attention to the outcome of my actions.

I got the drops this morning and I am ready to roll. I have a vision of what I’m going to look like in 30 days. I have motivation. My co-worker is doing it as well, giving me a burst of support. I am being open and honest with everyone so there is an understanding that this is important to me and I am determined to succeed.

I am doing this!

Time to work through the weight pain

2011-07-29T23:28:00.000-07:00

I currently weigh 172.2 pounds. It’s hard for me to write that, let alone put it online where everyone can read it. 172 is an ugly number to me. One that I am not proud of. I see that and all I think is "I'm fat. I can't possibly be that weight. What the hell?!!?"

I don’t look like I weigh that much. I carry myself well, dress for my shape and position myself correctly when I take picture. But I weigh 172 pounds. That's the hard truth and and there’s no reason to hide behind it any more. There is such a stigma to the numbers on the scale and we are raised to never ask a woman’s weight or her age. I want to beat down that notion and learn to be at peace with my weight.

However, being at peace is not the same as being complacent, which is what I have been. Today I weigh the same as I did three years ago when I lost my father. I ate everything with him and then when he died I kept eating, didn’t care about calories or fat or the repercussions. I felt life was too short to say “no” any more and I wanted to enjoy life. And I have. I love my life and the people I share it with. And I know they all love me no matter what the scale says. There is great comfort and support in that.

I have tried diets and working out, Jenny Craig, low-carb and low-calories, personal trainers and endurance event training. Nothing has helped shed these extra 20lbs. I’m certain age is also a factor since I haven’t been able to lose since turning 30. It’s frustrating. I get fired up about losing the weight, read about every diet possible and then a week into it find a reason to stop. Usually it’s because I’m tired of feeling deprived. I won’t lie- more than once I have justified my poor eating with “I don’t have a father, might as well eat.” Or, “I’m going to die in 20 years any way. Why deny myself?” Or, “It’s not worth worrying about; weight doesn’t matter because my dad is gone.” It’s not a pretty picture to paint for myself, but there it is. I have been hiding behind my grief and allowing my weaker self to take over, and it has wreaked havoc on my body. I’m done.

The time has come to work through all the pain and self-esteem issues I am carrying. These extra pounds are all just bad choices. It’s sleeping instead of going to the gym. It’s justifying the drive-thru instead of being honest with myself and saying I don’t really need it. It’s looking for instant gratification with the joy of food instead of learning patience and calm and respect for myself.

It’s time to love myself, and that means putting my food choices and health before the fear that I’m going to miss something. I eat because there is a part of me that truly feels I could die tomorrow so why not enjoy life today. Living in fear is no way to live. I have no interest in dying at 52. I plan to live to be over 100. I have no interest in hiding in flowing skirts and sweatpants because nothing fits. I want to enjoy fashion and my body. I am very comfortable in my skin right now. I have no trouble getting naked in front of people because I accept that this is where my body is now and worrying about it, or hiding “seductively” under a sheet isn’t going to change anything. Part of getting older is accepting where we are in life and who we are, and then working hard to be better. Part of living is seeing there is a way out of any tunnel you’ve dug for yourself. The digging starts now.

I am 172.2 pounds. It’s too heavy for my size. It’s too heavy for my comfort. It’s not who I am. But I'm posting this number so I have a starting place and a jumping off point. This number is going to go down. It's going to change. I want proof that my hard work paid off.

I am not going to quit on myself this time. I'm too important to live half a life.

Brown teeth- pissed off actress

2011-07-28T11:19:00.000-07:00

DO NOT USE CREST PRO-HEALTH MOUTHWASH!!!

DO NOT USE CREST PRO-HEALTH MOUTHWASH!!!

DO NOT USE CREST PRO-HEALTH MOUTHWASH!!!

Last night, after returning home from a wonderful day at the faire, I went to floss my teeth. I had eaten a LOT of food and wanted a fresh start in the morning. I looked at my bottom teeth and saw brown stains all over the sides. Dark brown stains that caused me worry. I looked like a smoker. My teeth are usually beautiful and clean, something I pride myself on. Yet here I was with teeth like a 90-yr-old tobacoo chewer.

Needless to say, I freaked out. I flossed, literally scraping the sides of my teeth in an effort to get the brown off. Nothing. I rinsed with Crest Pro-Health mouthwash (like I do twice a day, every day) and brushed my teeth for an extra 2 minutes. I went to sleep, hoping the problem was on it's way out of my life.

This morning the stains were still there so I went online. What did I find? Since 2008 there have been complaints to Proctor and Gamble about this product turning teeth brown. WHAT?!!? Websites all over the web had testimonies from people about how their teeth had turned brown after usuing the mouthwash.

I am livid. I emailed the company today and am writing this bog as more proof of how Crest screwed over their customers. Apparently there is a very small warning on the bottle, telling us there is a slight possibility of staining. That is useless to me. Who reads the BACK of a mouthwash bottle? Especially on a product from a company as respected as P&G?

Most of the posts from denists and consumers alike say I have to go in and get it profesisonally done. They say it's possible, but time consuming. However, I will also start using Listerine again (like I should have done in the first place) and brushing with baking soda, rinsing with peroxide. I cannot have permanently stained teeth. I have a career that is dependant on looks. I refuse to work my ass of to lose these next 20 lbs only to be benched by a teetch cleaning product.

Needless to say, I will not be using this product again. I will not use anything Crest again, and will think twice before buying anything P&G. I will also use every outlet in my power to make sure no one else uses it. Crest has lost my loyalty and my business for the rest of my life. I have to go to the dentist (without dental insurance) and pay for a cleaning, which I can't afford. Otherwise I'll have the teeth of a smoker. And who wants to hire a princess who looks like a smoker?

I am pissed. And disappointed in P&G. This will teach me to not trust big companies any more than I need to.

DO NOT USE CREST PRO-HEALTH MOUTHWASH!!!

Dating tips from the front lines – Part 2

2011-07-26T10:21:00.000-07:00

I’m heading into another week on this ride known as life, and I have more to share about dating and boys. Last week proved to be a week of growing pains and I have no interest in any other singleton out there going through the same pain. I survived and you can too. Here we go:

- Blogging is not always a good way to get a guy on your side. My blog is funny and honest and walks the line of appropriate. However, if the guy you just made an example of gets his feelings hurt, maybe it’s too far. Or is it? After writing about my chance meeting last week the boy wrote me a letter explaining his side of things. He had read my blog and told me he didn’t realize how much I had been hurt by him not calling. It was obvious he was really upset and I have to admit I took a little comfort in that. He hurt me (a little) and I was glad he got to see my side of things. So lesson learned - write what you want to write, but be ready for the fall out. Be damn sure you are standing strong on your side of the story.

- Sending provocative pictures to someone you have never slept with is never a good idea. NEVER. Once you have a picture of them feel free to send and send and send. But you have to have something in your back pocket for when they feel jilted. You don’t want to be the only one without collateral.

- Women- STOP PAYING FOR YOUR MEALS!! If you are on a date, and it is called a date, DON’T PAY! It sounds sexist, 1950’s, and goes against everything we’ve been taught about independence and self reliance. But trust me. If you want to see this man again, if you want to actually date him, do not pay. No one ever got laid by going dutch.

- For women- Do NOT call him. Do NOT text him. Do NOT Facebook him. Do NOT tweet him. Leave him the hell alone. He knows how to get ahold of you, I promise. He knows where you are. And he will find you. If he doesn’t then he doesn’t want to. And who wants someone who doesn’t want them?

- For men- Do NOT call/text/tweet/post or anything to a girl you think is on the fence. All we see is communication. We don’t make the distinction between “friend I’m saying hi to” and “woman I want to sleep with”. Until the lines are clearly drawn, leave us alone please. We have other men out there who aren’t being vague and we need to leave the lines open for them.

- Sometimes men want meaningful conversations. The good boys want to connect with you. I know, it’s crazy. I was taught that you sleep with them first and THEN wrangle them into hour-long discussions about life. Apparently that is not the case with all men. Just be warned ladies. You might have to actually talk to them.

- Gay isn’t always gay. Straight isn’t always straight. Sometimes they are walking the fine line of undecided. All you need to decide is if it’s worth walking with them.

I hope this helps. I am certain there will be more. This summer is proving to be a learning experience in more ways than I ever thought possible. And I’m not even in grad school yet.

Happy hunting!

Happy Birthday Papa

2011-07-24T09:26:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to the man I miss every day.

I love you dad! So very very much.

See you soon.

The Answer Waiting Room

2011-07-22T12:45:00.000-07:00

I like instant gratification. I thrive on it. I like quickies and Netflix instant watch and pre-sliced veggies. I like things given to me when I want them, not on someone else’s time table. I like knowing the ending of a book before I open it, knowing if the guy gets the girl before I sit down to a movie and whether I’ll like what I ordered for dinner. Not to say I don’t like to try new things. I do. I love it. These new things are just usually at hand and ready, not something I need to wait for. This lifestyle works because I lived alone, am single, work alone and usually can make my own schedule. This need for instant pay off, the desire to have the answer yesterday, is something I nurture and despise at the same time.

The only time I do not mind waiting is when I’m sitting in a waiting room. I can patiently sit in a doctor’s office, at the post office, at the DMV, at an interview or a movie theater without expecting an answer. I even have patience if I wait and wait and then find out the meeting has been cancelled. I can’t control this change, so I just reschedule for a different time. It’s not a big deal. Made me think there should be a room in life where we go to wait, and the people we’re waiting to hear an answer from can meet us there and give it.

They would be called Answer Waiting Rooms and it would be wonderful.

The friend who stopped calling, stopped caring and just generally stopped being a friend to me would meet me there to give a reason. They would answer my questions. If they don’t show up? I get to move on. Because there’s a magic curtain I walk through as I’m leaving that makes it all okay. Makes me forget I wanted an answer at all.

The guy I’m waiting for knows that he has a certain amount of time to find me before the meeting is cancelled and I move on. And since I know that I can’t control whether he comes to the waiting room or not, if he misses the deadline I am free to move on. Walk through the curtain. No wondering “what if.” No imagining scenarios years in the future without anything to base the daydream on. If I’m ready for an answer and he’s not there to give it, I leave the waiting room and move on. What if it’s bad news? What if the guy I’ve been pining for walks into the room and says “no”? Well thank the gods! I have an answer! No more wondering. No more changing my life in expectation of something that isn’t going to come. No more “what if.” It would be glorious. Freedom to move on.

It would work in reverse too. I would get the chance to give answers. A letter comes to me, or a text, telling me to meet someone in their Answer Waiting Room. Telling me they need an answer from me and I have the choice to go or not. I would always go, because the frustration and the pain of not knowing is infinitely harder than dealing with the fall out of the truth. I would always go and would always be honest.

When my ex broke up with me I demanded he say the words. I knew it was over. I knew we were done and there was no going back. But I needed to hear it. I needed to hear the words come from his mouth that this was finished and there was no hope. I knew that if I didn’t hear those words from him in person I would spend too much time imagining a world where “This isn't going to work so I'm breaking up with you” means something else and there was still a chance. I knew that if I didn’t force him to do something painful I would waste more of my life in pain. It was exactly what I needed. I walked away from him with those words in my ears and my heart. I have replayed them in my head, reminding myself that the pain is real and the relationship is over. It was the loudest thought for weeks.

The Answer Waiting room is the safe place for life to happen. It’s filled with answers and conversations and reasons why, eliminating doubt and fear and frustration. “Do you like me as more than a friend?” “Why won’t you leave me alone?” “Why didn’t you call me?” “Do you see us going anywhere?” “Why wasn’t I enough for you?” It gives us all a jumping off point and allows us the freedom to move on and stop waiting.

Then one day we realize we don't need the AWR anymore. That we are enough, without knowing why. On that day we redecorate the room and use it as a home theater, invite our family and friends over and try take-away from the new Chinese place on the corner.

The Opposite of a "Cute-Meet"

2011-07-18T12:16:00.000-07:00

Last night I went out with some friends to see a cabaret. The show was wonderful. It was touching and funny and reached deep into us as an audience and gave us something to believe in. I am always so happy to see my friends do what they love. However, because it’s my life, it couldn’t be just a night of live theater. There had to be some puzzle piece of intriuge. And I found it.

The cabaret was held at a theater in OC that is becoming more prominent in my world as I meet more actors and producers. One of the boys I’ve met this past year does a lot of shows there. I know this because I see him check in on 4square and on fb. (My stalking skills are amazing!) I’ll admit there was a part of me that truly hoped he would be there. I’ve spent time painting this amazing picture of him in my head, creating a god-like vision of a man who didn’t call me the morning after. We didn’t go all the way, obviously, but enough that when I drove home the next morning I thought for sure I would see him again. Apparently he thought differently, considering I never heard from him. Okay- I can handle that. It happens. Taking that into consideration, I’m not sure why this guy is even a part of my mentality. He doesn’t deserve it. However, he has been and I thought if I saw him I would be able to put the entire event to rest.

I walk into the lobby and of course zero in on him. My first thought? “Really Amie? THIS is who you were upset didn’t call you?” First off- he’s a baby! So young. And while my ego is pleased that I can still snag the cute ones, the adult in me is glad I don’t have to dress him. Secondly- he’s not as cute as I remember. Maybe because I’m sober when I see him this time. You know how some people get even more attractive the more you don’t see them? Then there are people who seem to get uglier as the days pass. He definitely did not get more attractive and he’s definitely not a god. He’s just…..a guy. Thirdly - he completely ignores me. No smile, no nod of hello, not even a faint blush and an embarassed turn away. I spend a few minutes saying hello to my friends, positioning myself so he gets a view of my outfit, my legs and flowing hair. I hug my friends extra hard as one by one I realize my strength comes from them and not the random boy in the corner.

He and I finally smile as the doors open and we head into the theater, but it’s obvious he is ackward and not sure what to do with me. Especially since I say hi to the woman (girl) he is now dating and make sure to introduce myself to his friends. You’re not going to get me down! No sir.

The biggest eye opener? The moment I hammered the final nail in the coffin of my obsessing? Later that night, on my way back to my table at the bar, I pass by him and make small talk. Nothing crazy or sexual or flirty. Just a conversation aknowledging we are in the same room together and have a history. He can’t even look me in the eye. He looks over my shoulder, gives me two word answers and just generally looks uncomfortable. While I continue my asinine conversation with him all I can think is, “Really?!!? I’ve seen you naked and you can’t even PRETEND to be interested in what I’m talking about?!” Amateur.

So how do I pay him back? I have a long conversation with his new girlfriend, right next to him. A much longer conversation than was needed. We talked theater and the cabaret and life and shopping and…..well just everything girls talk about. All while he sat at the bar, sweating, waiting for me to make my exit. I did, finally, and went back to my table of people. People I wouldn’t trade anything for. People who constantly remind me that I am enough. I am a strong, confident, empowered woman who cannot spend any more time dwelling on men who don't see that. Seeing the boy reminded me of that.

It’s the small moments, really, that show us the people who are worth our time and those who are really not. I’m glad I can confidently remove him from my list. (And Facebook. And 4Square) Now, if I can only get rid of a few more I will be all set.

Too much?

2011-07-13T09:30:00.000-07:00

Last night, as I was driving home from rehearsal, I realized that I now have a bathtub and can take a bath. I decided I was going to take one, offering my poor muscles some time to rest. The idea of taking time for myself, a few moments of just sitting, brought tears to my eyes and I realized that maybe I am trying to do too much.

The schedule I’ve been keeping these past few weeks isn’t the smartest idea I’ve ever had, but I love theater and performing so I didn’t think too much about it. This is my career. It’s going to be like this my whole life. However, for as wonderful as live theater is, there remains a hole in my heart that I am trying to fix. So I keep piling on things; a garage sale, parties with the cast, breakfast with friends, late night drinks with cute boys, phone calls while I’m driving- all in the effort to connect with people. I’ve been on facebook more these past few weeks than my entire life. I check in on foursquare so I can see what people are doing. I write my blog to share my life with someone. I need to connect, because for as busy and wonderfully full as my life is right now, I feel empty inside. The final straw was signing up for an online dating site specifically to try to find a connection to fill this hole.

As I drove home last night I realized that being online looking for a date was just silly. (That’s a lot of realization for one drive home.) I don’t have any of myself to give anyone. Why would I offer that? Why wouldn’t I wait until I have time to spend with someone, and if I’m honest with myself, my heart to give to someone? Why, yet again, am I willing to put my needs aside for a relationship? Why am I trying to start something when I’m not fully present, ready to accept all the good that is out there in my life?

All these thoughts swirled in my head as the tub filled and my iPod played my massage therapy mix. I sat there, covered in lavendar scented bubbles, steeping my aching muscles in epsom salt, and I cried. I cried silent tears that ran down my face without me having to wipe them dry. I cried that cry that isn’t for anything in particular, but needs to happen. I cried the cry that men hate because they can’t fix it. I cried tears that didn’t give me a headache or leave me gulpping for air, but rather left me with a sense of peace.

When I woke up this morning I had a new sense of calm in my life. Yes, I have to figure out how to fit a one bedroom apartment into one bedroom. Yes, I have to move all my things with only my little Ford to help. Yes, I need to figure out how to pay for school and credit debt and my car while not working for a year. Yes, I need to memorize an entire show. Yes, I need to lose weight.

But today all I need to do is remember to breathe. It will all get done. It won’t get all done today. It won’t even get done this week. But my life is my life and I need to enjoy it. It is possible to enjoy it without having to find a date, see my friends every second or fill every moment of the day with someone just to be doing something. I am doing well in this life, and I don’t need someone else in it to make me feel fullfilled.

One of my favorite quotes is “God can’t steer a parked bus.” What I am learning is he also can’t steer a bus that is careening out of control with no one at the helm. I need to take back control, I need to take a moment and I need to remember that at the end of the day, it’s just life. It’s my life.

Tell yourself, how lucky you are.

Online Dating - Day 1

2011-07-12T16:27:00.000-07:00

I signed up with a free online dating service simply to see what's out there and to entertain myself while I'm at work. I know I'm probably not going to actually date these men, but it doesn't hurt the ego to get 22 responses about how gorgeous my profile picture is. It is proving to be quite interesting, meeting lonely people online who are bored like I am.

My favorite moment so far:

A guy "quick messaged" me to tell me I was gorgeous and we would make pretty babies. I politely wrote back, thank you but I'm not interested in having kids right now. He replied that I should stop leading people on.

Umm......What?

Horrible Date Saga #1 – The Bread Mangler

2011-07-07T15:47:00.000-07:00

We meet online and start chatting. He’s funny and has some of the same interests so we start phone calling and talking for hours. I kind of like his laugh and the way he says things. I don’t like how he suddenly has to leave, but maybe he’s playing it coy. There are a few other red flags, nothing specific yet, but little flutters in my gut telling me this might not work. I ignore them and we set up a date, not knowing that soon I would have all the specific red flags I would need.

During the day as I sit at a desk I plan out my night and what I’m going to wear. I am a vegan so he has planned to take me to a veggie restaurant in the valley. I have heard of it and am excited to go. He tells me, through our conversations leading up to “date night” that I should leave work early and get out to the valley before traffic. I tell him that’s not an option and I’ll get there when I can. He sighs and says “Fine. But you’re going to hit traffic.” I already feel like I’m in the middle of a married argument. Like we’ve had this fight 100 times about how I refuse to leave work early. (Red Flag #1). I end up get stalled at work and leave 30 minutes later than I want. I call and tell him that I’m rushing home to change and am on my way. He sighs again (apparently this date is really putting him out) and tells me to just call him when I’m about a mile away and he’ll get dressed.

I’m sorry- “get dressed”?!!? I’m driving 20 minutes out of my way to get ready for this date and he hasn’t even bothered to start getting ready. (Red Flag #2). AND he has picked a place that is 30 miles from my house and yet only one from his own. (Red Flag #3) I immediately call my sister and she tells me not to go. That I don’t owe him anything and he obviously doesn’t care if the date is going to happen or not. I have never stood someone up and I didn’t want this to be the first time. I tell her I’ll meet him halfway and then only stay for a drink. She tells me good luck.

I call him and tell him I hit traffic and it was going to take me over an hour to get to him. He says “I told you”. I take a deep breath and suggest we meet at the Cheesecake Factory in Sherman Oaks. It’s halfway and easy to find. He says he doesn’t feel like eating there but he “guesses” it will work. (Red Flag #4)

I get to the place, park and head inside. I sit down and order a vodka martini, dirty with extra olives, and ask the waiter to keep them coming. I sit and wait. And wait. And wait. 20 minutes after I sit down he walks in and says “I figured that was you. You already have a drink.” (Red Flag #5) He stands there like he’s waiting for something and it takes a few seconds for me to realize he wants a hug. Really? I don’t know you…..but….okay…..I guess. I stand and give him a quick hug and sit down.

The waiter comes over and my date asks for a Heffeweisen (“I love that beer” he says as he tries to smile at me. In fact making eye contact is even difficult for us at this point). The waiter leaves to get the beer and another martini for me. He brings back a basket of bread. I love Cheesecake Factory bread. But before I can even reach for any my date has pulled the entire basket to his side of the table and proceeds to pull both loaves out of the basket and tear them into chunks. He touches every part of the bread possible.

“Can you not touch all the bread, please” I ask, trying to be polite.
“What” he says, looking at me over the mangled bread “you have a problem with germs?”
“What? No. I just-“
“Next you’re going to tell me I can’t use the knife or touch anything else on the table” (Red Flag #6)

I’m speechless and more than a little irritated at this point. I try to laugh it off, something about how little I care about germs, when thankfully the waiter appears with our drinks. He gives me mine and hands my date his Hef. He looks at the beer and says “Is that an orange?”

“Yes sir” says the more than polite server.

“I can’t have citrus, I’m allergic. I need a new beer.” He doesn’t apologize, he doesn’t ask. He demands. (Red Flag #7)

The waiter looks at me as if to say “It’s a Hef. What idiot who says Hef is their favorite doesn’t know a slice of citrus comes with a Hef?” I just smile empathetically, trying to relay to my server that he and I were in this date together and just trying to survive. A few minutes later an orange-less Hef appears and my date starts drinking. Our server asks if we’re ready to order. I look at my date questioningly, “Did you want to eat?”

“Of course I’m eating. Don’t tell me you’re one of those girls who doesn’t order anything and then eats off my plate.” (Red Flag #8)

“Um….no. No I’m not.” I tell our server we need a little time, banter about the huge size of the menu, and he leaves.

My date and I talk for a little and it doesn’t take long before we are arguing. The bickering starts small, disagreements about movies and tv and politics. Probably some religion thrown in there. At some point I look to my right at the two girls sitting a table away from us. They have the most uncomfortable looks on their faces and I am embarrassed to realize that my date is the reason. Our arguing has left a negative taste in my mouth and I am really happy to see our water approach us again.

I order a salad and a cup of soup. Something light and easy to prepare, in the hopes I can get out of this date alive. My date looks at the menu for another long moment, turns to the waiter, hands him the menu and orders ORANGE CHICKEN.

My second martini disappeared before the waiter even turned the corner to place our order. I got up to 4 martinis and 14 Red Flags that night. Needless to say, there was no second date.

Dating Tips From The Front Lines - Part 1

2011-07-07T12:09:00.000-07:00

Instead of my banging my head against the wall, always falling into a new dating trap, I’m going to use my power for good and try to help my sisters out by posting what I’ve learned. I’ll add these in periodically as I discover them in the dating battlefield, a series of blogs, each one highlighting new thoughts. I love all things relationship and sex and dating so I might as well use my blog to share what I experience.

- Meet his family.
If more than three months of continuous dating has gone by and you haven’t met ANYONE in his family, get out. I’m not talking parents necessarily. But three/four months in you should at least have met a second cousin on his mom’s side. YOU’RE TOO AWESOME TO BE A SECRET!

- Wait until “we” becomes “I”
If he is still referring to himself as “we” he still has his ex on his mind, in his heart and probably in his bed a few times a week. Save yourself the heartache and wait it out (preferably in the strong arms of a hot young thing) or move on to someone who has already moved on.

- Check his status says “Single”
If he is not listed as any kind of relationship the odds are he is in the middle of a “complicated” one. Maybe he has feelings for someone and they’re not reciprocated. Or he’s dating someone but not seriously enough to tell the world so he wants to keep his options open. Or he’s in the middle of a break-up and isn’t ready to date. Or he just doesn’t care enough to post anything, which happens because he’s a boy and FB isn’t that important to him. Bottom line- when someone is ready to date and meet someone, they will have “Single” as their relationships status because they want the world to know they are ready and available.

- He doesn’t share the bread
See my next post on a horrible dating experience I had. A man who takes the entire loaf of bread, touches every piece in the basket or simply doesn’t offer you any at all isn’t someone you want in your kitchen. Or your bedroom. Ever.

Good luck out there!

The Habit of Being Busy

2011-07-05T14:14:00.000-07:00

Singletons are told we need to “keep busy”. Don’t sit and think about past relationships. Don’t wallow in your heart break, no matter how long ago they left. Don’t stay home, curled up in bed, just sitting around waiting for Mr./Ms. Right to come along. You have to get out into the world. Find a new hobby. Do some volunteering. Meet new people who share your interests.

Well I’ve done all that, made it a habit to try new things and say yes, and now I have an entirely different problem on my hands.

My week is packed down to the second. Other than when I sit my ass in this chair at work and look busy, I am active and putting too much into the hours Father Time gives me. These are all things that need to be done and things I enjoy doing. But they are causing me to miss out on life a little bit. People I haven’t seen in a while will inevitably ask me if I’m dating anyone. The ones who know me well always follow up their own question with “What am I saying? It’s you. You’re too busy to date.” I smile and agree and continue to use that as my excuse for the rest of the conversation. I’m too busy to date. I don’t have time for a boyfriend. Anyone I find will have to fit into my schedule because I certainly don’t have an extra second for him.

How is that healthy? What kind of man wants to walk into a packed calendar where I may or may not have time for him? That’s not what anyone wants. And if the shoe was on the other foot? Any man I meet better start clearing his schedule to spend time with me because I’m well worth it. But wait a minute…..aren’t they? Aren’t these future men I meet worth me making time for them? Aren’t they worth me looking at my life and deciding what can get pared down and what needs to stay? Maybe I’m using my busy schedule as one more wall to put up against commitment, true love and the possibility of being happy.

When is it “too busy” and when is it hiding?

This is the double edged sword of modern dating life. Fill your time so you look busy and interesting, but be ready for love and welcome it with the time and energy needed to allow it to flourish and grow. I am a single woman in my 30’s so by default I have my own bills, my own apartment, my own career and my own friends. I have several hobbies I have invested time and love into. I have dreams that I have spent over a decade nurturing. A man who walks into the world I’ve created is going to have to be strong and sure of himself because he’s up against a lot. In the same breath, if I had none of these things going on I wouldn’t be someone the man for me would even be interested in. I’ve created a dating catch-22.

All this and I dislike being home. It is not a comfort to me. It is not a refuge, it’s not calm, it’s not a haven. My home right now is somewhere I sleep between adventures. It’s where all my things are when they’re not in my car. I feel like that’s a turn off for men. Men in relationships usually like to be home and watch TV and share time with their woman. Will I adapt when the right man snags me? Will I see my house as a wonderful place because I’ll have someone to share it with? (Probably. Because even as I wrote that sentence a smile crossed over my face, thinking about long Sunday afternoons with my (future) bf, just existing together.)

So where do myself and other single people go from here? What is the right path? Do I stay busy, filling my time with what I love and the people I love, trusting that when the time comes I'll recognize the signs and stop for love? Or do I start slowing down a bit now and allow room for love? Maybe it’s another chicken and egg question. One that I’ll only know the answer to once I’m sitting on my couch, wrapped in my loves arms, making happiness my new favorite.

2011 Goal Check-Up

2011-07-01T10:11:00.000-07:00

Happy July!! Know what that means? BBQs, pool parties, the final HP movie (oh my goodness) and this- Amie’s Goal Check Up

I did this last year and found it really helped take stock of the year. Let’s me look at where I’ve been and what I want to accomplish in the next 6 months. I always put out more goals than are probably possible. Not only are there only 24 hours in the day, there are outside influences that hinder or help the goals. Such is the case for this 2011 wrap-up.

Resolutions and Goals are different things. A few years ago I started separating them because I was overwhelming myself with resolutions and then upsetting myself when I didn’t achieve all of them. So I get goals. Some of these goals have been on the list for the past three years and still haven’t been accomplished. (Might be time to reevaluate my goals next year. Set something a little more attainable. But I am learning. I don’t have “Win a Tony” on the goal list this year.

Here are my resolutions for 2011:

Resolutions
- No fast food
- No Soda
- Workout 5x week
- One letter mailed every week

How have I done? Well really, really well for the first five months. Then it kind of all fell apart. Last year I did no fast food and never cheated. Not when I was stressed, sad, hormonally eating or anything. I stayed far away and for Christmas I got to eat In-N-Out. It wasn’t very good so I felt confident in putting that on my list again this year. June saw me eat all the fast food I’ve been wanting to eat. And I paid the price. Upset stomach, bloated feeling all the time and just icky. So, while I did enjoy the 11p In-N-Outs after rehearsal, the next 6 months bring me back to reality and away from the drive-through.

No had soda this year, minus the one day I was throwing up all morning and needed Sprite. But that doesn’t count. It was medicinal. I find that I don’t really miss it, unless I’m looking to mix my Jack with something. And since I always have a Jack and Coke on my father’s birthday, I will have one this month. But then back on the horse.

I have not gone to the gym, per se, 5x a week. But I do work out. Whether it’s rehearsal, a run before rehearsal or stretching while on break from rehearsal, I have kept this one up. Probably the only reason I haven’t gained any weight this year.

One letter mailed? Wow- that one didn’t even get off the ground. I need to get on this. I’ll take July off from worrying about it and then start again in August. I enjoy writing letters and would like to be better about it. However, it’s not going to break my heart if this resolution goes away in 2012.

And my goals?

Goals
- Down to 140lbs and maintain (HA HA HAAAA!! I had an amazing goal for this and absolutely no follow through. I even did a whole blog about it. And a Challenge. Guess what- the wedding is next week and I have not lost a single pound this year. I’ve slimmed out. I’ve toned up. But weight? Still holding strong. So I now have set the goal date as when I leave for school for the 20lbs and then maintain. That I can totally do!)
- Pay off 12k in debt (I have paid off a little over $5000 so far this year. Baby steps.)
- Repay Schwab for massage school (This is going to have to go on the back burner for the rest of the year. Much like my entire massage career.)
- Book a ship or Jubilee (Went to the Jubilee audition and rocked it. But no go. So this will have to wait another year)
- ROCK grad school aud, get accepted (DONE!!! Whew! Cross that OFF the list!)
- Book 5 shows (technically done. Anything Goes, All Shook Up, Seussical, Into the Woods and grad school. Not too shabby of a year)
- Edit movie reel (Also on the back burner. I no longer look, or act, the way I did 10 years ago and shouldn’t send out a reel that doesn’t show who I am now. This goal will be revisited in 2013 when I’m done with school and back in LA pounding the pavement. Unless I’m performing on London’s West End.)
- Run 6 marathons (Hmmm…..still time for this. I have done 1 this year, mostly due to the fact that I have been doing shows. I have run four ½ marathons, which is awesome. I am looking forward to running some beautiful races in Europe)
- New headshots (Again, not really needed right now. I don’t need them for grad school so I’m off the hook for the next year.)
- Straight As in SMC classes (I dropped my SMC classes for spring when I realized I wasn’t going to be able to take my three classes and do a show and work full time. And when I realized I wasn’t going to be a PT any time soon.)
- Write lounge act (Going to work on this in England. What better place to have a cabaret than in a city that doesn’t have a clue who I am?)
- Organize and maintain desk (HA! Again, not so much. It helps that I’m moving this week and it’s all just getting tossed into a box for another year)
- Write, finish, option 3 scripts (Nope)
- Get a dog (Nope. When I found out about school I realized this dream has to be on the back burner as well.)
- Book 5 movies (Nope)
- Buy a good car (YES!! I love my car and I hope I can keep her. She’s so cute!)
- Don’t get further into debt (I succeeded in this as well. Until now. I have a week without money so I’ll have to borrow from MasterCard a little. Oh, and there is the $40k school loan I have pending. That adds a little. But it’s good debt!)

There is the year so far. 17 attainable goals- 4 of which are no longer viable options and are off the list. I have completed 5, a little less than half. Gives me 6 moths to finish out the next 8. Totally doable.
I put this out there to keep myself accountable and to let people see that we all have little oops-s in our planning and goal setting. We all work hard and move forward and try to be better.

We are all in this together. What am I adding for the next 6 months?
- Get to England with great student loans
- Reprogram myself and the way I look at my dating life
- Be kinder to myself
- Successfully move in with Becca and create a wonderful place to live
- Create a student budget and stick to it
- Enoy the rest of the year. I'm taking a HUGE leap in September and all I can do is work hard and make the best of it. That is the ultimate goal.

Here’s to an amazing next 6 months and rocking the rest of 2011!!

Playing Cards With The Timing Gods

2011-06-29T11:33:00.000-07:00

A good comedienne knows the power of good timing. The perfect pause, the well placed eye roll, the deadpan comeback that throws the waiter off their daily specials monologue. There’s an art to making people laugh and a lot of it has to do with timing. In life, however, most timing is completely out of our control and even the best comic can get thrown.

When my sister was pregnant with nephew #1 I was living in NYC with the man I thought I was going to marry. He obviously didn’t understand that and left me with our studio apartment and the new cat. I was lost, heartbroken and seriously pissed at the world. Then I realized that without boyfriend baggage I was free to live wherever I wanted, including going home and taking care of my sister and the baby. Score- Amie: 1 Timing: 0

When my dad got sick I had just started working at Disney Studios. I hated the job. I loved the company, but hated the job. I wanted a way out but I knew that I had to stick it out, make money and at least enjoy the perks of the job. Timing Gods had given me a stable position to make and save money but all I saw was the opportunity to go home and take care of my father. Score- Amie: 2 Timing: 0

When I needed to quit my job because I was going to kill myself if I didn’t, I quit without anything lined up, without any savings in the bank and without a plan. I just quit. No work came for over a month. I started to panic a little and dipped into money I probably shouldn’t have touched. But I was happy. I loved not working at a desk. I loved being the person who loved all of her life, not hating any of it. The timing was horrible for me to quit, especially when you factor in an unemployment rate of 12% here in California. But it was the best decision I have made in a really long time. Amie: 3 Timing: 0

I seem to do pretty well with my timing in career and with family. I drop everything for these two things. Good jobs have come because I simply was in the right place at the right time. Good parts have been given to me because I had put my time in and the opportunity came when I was ready for them. The Timing Gods, while not always at my pace, have worked well for me when it comes to people I meet and my career.

I also applaud their often witty sense of humor, displayed perfectly the week I bought my new car and three days later got into grad school in England.

In relationships, however, I might have pissed off the Gods of Time. Bad timing is so often a reason people don’t work out, and I have been on the receiving end of a wide range of timing-blamed excuses.

“It’s just not the right time for us.”
“I see us together, in our 60’s. You don’t mind waiting, right?”
“If I had met you three months/days/weeks ago this might have worked.”
“If only I had met you before I met my wife/girlfriend.”
“It’s a really busy time in my life and I can’t date anyone right now.”
“I really like you, but my gf gets home soon and I owe it to us to try and make that work.”
“I wish I was 10 years older.”

I have had my share of relationships ending, or not even beginning, because of bad timing. And as I become more and more single every day, it causes me to think that maybe the various hourglasses in my life are actually working together.

If Chris hadn’t left me I wouldn’t have gone home and spent those first three months with my nephew, establishing a bond stronger than I could have wished for. Heartbroken Amie: 0 Timing: 1

If ________________ (insert name of various boys I tried to date and they gave me variations of “no thank you, it’s not the right time for me”) hadn’t said that and ultimately left me alone with my tears and frustration, I wouldn’t have been able to stand in front of the last man to leave and say “I understand and I’m okay with it” and move on. Heartbroken Amie: 0 Timing: 2

If I wasn’t currently (still) single I wouldn’t have the absolute freedom to head to England, fully ready and open for whatever comes. Heartbroken Amie: 0 Timing: 3

So it seems we’re at a tie, the Timing Gods and I. Maybe that’s why I feel anxious. Maybe that’s why I feel unsettled. It’s a time-out while both teams wait for the next move to see where to play their hand. I’m okay with a tie, considering the cards I’m playing next have me heading off on an adventure with no known finish line.

And since I’ll be 8 hours ahead of my life here in LA, I’ll have a head start.

We All Need Subcategories - Even on Facebook

2011-06-27T13:12:00.000-07:00

Facebook has changed the way people interact, bringing it to a level I don’t believe even Mark Zuckerberg could have imagined from his Harvard dorm room. And don’t kid yourself. For as much as we want to network and find jobs through our FB friends, we all use Facebook to flirt, check-up on exes, send secret love messages and find the dirt on our current crushes.

With all of the advancement in the world of social network stalking, one would think the landscape was full. However, as I get even more fully immersed in the facebook world, I have found a huge gap in interpersonal relations on the social website: Relationship Status.

Over time Facbook has expanded its relationship options. They offer Single, In A Relationship, Engaged, Married, It’s Complicated, In an Open Relationship, Widowed, Separated, Divorced, (and most recently) In a Civil Union, and In a Domestic Partnership. I believe they have most options covered. There is a difference between Separated and Divorced. There is a difference between In a Relationship and In an Open Relationship. And there is a difference between a Civil Union and Domestic Partnership. One huge hole in their categorizing is in the Single box. I feel there should be sub-categories that we can fill out, giving our prospective mates a clearer picture of where we are in our hearts.

Single should be broken down to the following categories, if not more.

Single:

- Have worked through all my issues. I’m ready.
- Just out of a relationship so stay away
- Just out of a relationship so come over and play
- Ready to mingle
- Looking for as many free meals as possible
- Looking for a long term, steady relationship
- NOT looking for a long term relationship
- Looking for my soul mate
- Don’t believe in soul mates, so call me
- Working on myself
- Past the point of caring whether I ever find love or not

Now that I think of it, there are some other sub-categories that come up for the other status options.

Separated:
- In the first stages- trying to see if this is what we both want
- In the first stages- I still love them
- In the first stages- they still love me
- In therapy
- I’m ready to move on but we still share custody of the cat. And the flat-screen.
- They're ready to move on but I'm using the cat as collateral
- A few months in and I’m ready for a divorce already
- A few months in and I’m not ready to change my status to single yet

Divorced:
- And happy
- And I hate all things relationship, including this question
- And I still cry in our pillow each night
- And missing my ex
- And sleeping with my ex
- And still working through the possessions so be ready for long talks about how they did me wrong

In A Relationship:
- My gf/bf pressured me into this
- It’s serious and we’re moving to the engaged box next
- But I’m looking for a way out
- But I’m sleeping with my ex
- But I’m gay so don’t tell my “gf”
- I haven't changed my status yet because I hope my ex changes their mind.
- I’m lying and just want to appear like someone loves me

Of course, part of the dating game is finding the answers to these questions on our own. We need a little mystery in our lives. So for now I’ll just leave the Relationship Status portion blank and see where life takes me. Who knows, as I date more I might find even more categories. So why limit myself?

What would you add?

These are some options? I'll go it alone, thank you.

2011-06-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

I look at my world and I enjoy it. I have awesome friends, great family relationships, a lust for life and great legs. I enjoy being single because I don't have to follow any rules but the ones I put into the book. Doesn't mean I don't like to shop.

I have played the internet dating game and have some wonderfully entertaining stories to go along with the memories. I meet people at parties and through friends. I love to go out and meet people and see what everyone else does with their time. One place I have NEVER met someone is through Craigslist. The people who post on CL, whether they are nice guys are not, are opening themselves up to ridicule and judgement. Which leads me to question why they don't think through things before they click on the "post ad" icon.

The following examples are why CL shopping is best left to slightly-loved Ikea furniture.

- Endangerd Species - 53 Most guys simply don't have much self confidence and stick there necks out to impress his date hoping to land in the back seator in bed after the appitizer.They exagerate and laugh at anything,ozzing in obviousness.Tired of that are you ?Veterin single guy,married twice,fun,serious,open minded,provocitive, generious,can stimulate your passion,desires,maybe dreams.5' 6 " tall, Italian,handsome fun to be with,steady good job, live alone,nice apartment.Drugs a "no no".That tall dark handsome guy after guy after guy you keep dating gets the same results,time after time.No need to ask why ?P..S Never ask me to Varify as you will only waste your time. John

Seriously? The typos and bad grammar alone would turn a woman off. But add in his thought that 5'6" is "tall" and now you're just an idiot. I like men of all heights and who are comfortable in their skin. This guy is a "no no"

- A man listed himself as "getting over my shyness" and wrote a two page posting about what he was looking for in a woman and what he was "done playing" with. He painted this empathetic picture of a shy guy trying something new.......Then posted a picture of his hard penis.

In my opinion, no one who shows their junk online is shy. No one.

- Brutally honest heartless health-conscious bastard with limitless 420.

That was his header. So what you're saying is I would have to be high the entire time I was with you because I couldn't stand you if sober. Not the best selling point for a new relationship.

-Just 1 sane and attractive girl on here??? - 29

Wow. you're only looking for 1? In all these crazy, neurotic, insane women? Well with odds like that I think I'll stake my claim somewhere else. Who wants to date a man who has already stacked the deck against me. On the plus side, he did post pictures of him on the beach with this adorable puppy. Women love puppies. He almost has the game mastered.

Here are a few more gems of CL

- Sense of Urgency, desperately wants a baby - 30
- Experiment with a therapeutic spanking
- I look like a Greek Masterwork. You be Hot Exotic with massive breasts
- FATHR FGUR 4 U - 48
- Where's my Swing-Friendly Partner in Crime and Wine? - 42

OH. MY. GOD!!! And this was just within the past few hours!

Married ladies- rejoice.

Thursday Google Fun

2011-06-23T14:01:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while I like to play with google. I type in a couple of letters and see what google wants to give me. Then I click on the first link and open up a brand new adventure, right at my desk. Let's see what google gives me today!

- I type in "onej" and google offers "OneJoseph" so here I go. I click on http://www.onejoseph.com/ and am pulled into a website with a gorgeous piece of art on it. The artist is Joseph Todorovitch and he is wonderful. He does all figurative art with the style reminiscent of Johannes Vermeer. I love this artist! It blows my mind that people can put this on the page and evoke such grace and peace. It's beautiful.

- I type in "fre" and google offers me "fresh brothers" so I take it. PIZZA!! And it's local! Looks like I have a new place to try for some good pizza. "Fresh thinking, fresh pizza". I like a fresh slogan. Looks really good.

- I type in "luc" and google gives me "lucid dreaming". What an interesting article. I spend the next 10 minutes maneuvering through the website http://www.lucidity.com/LucidDreamingFAQ2.html learning the difference between when I'm aware I'm dreaming and when I'm not, as well as how to use this to my advantage. This will come in handy at my desk. Maybe google will next offer me how to sleep with my eyes open.

- I type in "slee" (with the true hope google shows me how to sleep while appearing awake) and I'm taken to "sleep paralysis" which proceeds to scare the crap out of me. http://www.stanford.edu/~dement/paralysis.html It's a disfunction where you cannot move when you first wake up and/or first go to sleep. WTF? Can you imagine opening your eyes and not being able to move, when you were fully able to 8 hours ago? Jeez. Not a fan of that disorder. I'll stick with my lucid dreams.

- And finally I type in "ants", paying hommage to my ant-covered- mouse-corpse morning. Google hands me "ants marching lyrics" by DMB. Not a horrible choice. I like the idea of Dave Matthews hanging out with me as I clean up my little horrible marching ants.

take these chances place them in a box until a quiter time lights down, you up and die

I should do this every day! I like the doors it opens. I had no idea about this artist and he's wonderful. I had no idea sleep paralysis was real. I also found a diaper service called "Antsy Pants" which I thought was a cute name for a company.

Man, I love the internet.

Not always to build a resume

2011-06-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

When we’re in college, actors are told to do as many shows as possible to learn from different directors and to fill our resume. We take parts as trees, maids, zoo animals, and 3rd statue from the left in an effort to get parts under our belt. We play shows in small black box theaters that seat 45 and large houses that seat 3,000. We do shows in high school auditoriums and under makeshift tents. All to make us look more marketable to casting directors because we have a diverse skill set.

I have pounded the pavement in Los Angeles, Sacramento, Las Vegas and New York. I have played, amongother things, a drunk sex-a-holic in a hole-in-the-wall theater in NYC where they passed out beer to the audience during the show. I’ve played a catholic nun on a temporary stage in the cafeteria of a Jewish Temple. I’ve done shows where I provided my own costume, shoes, make-up and sound system. I’ve worked hard to build a resume that, little by little, is something to be proud of.

I do large productions to meet the people and move my career forward. This is part of networking and marketing yourself as an actor. You have to play the big houses in order to get bigger paychecks and meet the people who will hire you, and pay you, again. I take the smaller roles in the larger production companies because they are a leg up in the industry. I work the small theaters as leads to get a leg up in the heart of theater.

Driving home from rehearsal last night, after a day that started with me willing to shave my head if it meant I didn't have to out of bed, I realized that we also do shows to heal ourselves. We work on characters and their problems as we work on ourselves. We study histories and relationships while we study our own. Taking on a character doesn’t mean just our resumes get fluffed. Our lives get a little reboot every time we step into the skin of another being.

Even when she is a show-girl bird who leaves her baby with an elephant.

A Bejeweled Depression

2011-06-21T15:18:00.000-07:00

Sunday I stayed in bed all day and slept. I should have weeded and cleaned and packed and maybe even eaten. But I didn’t. I slept.

Yesterday I stayed in bed all day and slept. I called in to work and spent the day in and out of dreamless sleep. No eating. No drinking. Nothing but sleep until rehearsal.

Today I went to work. And after catching up on all the “work” I had missed last week when I was away with my family on vacation (which consisted of 11 emails I have nothing to do with and 2 voicemails I have nothing to do with....I was gone for six days), I sat at my desk and played Bejeweled. For an hour.

An hour.

Here is a list of things I could have done instead:
- gone online and researched places to live in UK
- Emailed my advisor about how to get my visa and the steps I need to start working on
- Gone through my mutual fund and looked at stocks I’d like to diversify with
- Email my cousin and tell her about my upcoming move
- Gone on facebook and replied to everyone who has posted after a comment or on my wall
- Balanced my bank account
- Updated my calendar to include my new weekend plans
- Built a grocery list so I have food and can stop eating 7-Eleven taquitos
- Looked up flight prices for the trips I am taking in August
- Done an hour of stretching and abs
- Taken a walk
- Memorized lines from Seussical or Into the Woods
- Written in my journal about the Disney trip we just had
- Written an amazing blog about the changes coming into my life.

But no I spent it playing Bejeweled. Because my heart hurts and that’s all I want to do lately. I want to either be sleeping or mindlessly lining up gems and listening to them explode. I want to be sleeping or destroying. I don’t want to be productive. I don’t want to be exciting. I don’t want to be forward thinking. I don’t want to be here. I just want to be sleeping.

Or playing Bejeweled.

"Single Because" Post from a London Singleton

2011-06-08T16:19:00.000-07:00

I love finding well-written articles online that speak to me. This article is what I would write if I was 30 and an art curator living in London. Who knows.....the 30 part won't happen. But London is calling. The last paragraph is my favorite.

Reprinted from The Sunday Times, no copywrite violation intended

Single because ... I’ve been having too much fun
Francesca Gavin, 30, arts writer and curator
When I came out of the cosy quietness of my last long-term relationship, I became aware my party days were running out. There was only a limited time to play and do stupid things without looking like that ageing thirtysomething slurring at the bar. You’re only young once. And I was in no rush to find a new relationship.
I’m naturally sociable, and, while I was aware of the underlying superficiality of party life, I had no problem making the most of it. I’m very adaptable. I’m also freelance, and had no reason to force myself up in the mornings. And the invitations poured in. I dived head first into the art world, with its flow of openings, dinners and biennials. I spent days sunbathing by Shoreditch House’s pool, drinking passion-fruit chilli martinis. I went to dirty clubs in east London so often that a Hoxton cab company started giving me a discount. I wrote a book about creative people’s homes around the globe and spent a year exploring Tokyo, New York, Paris and Berlin, making friends and work contacts, having decadent nights at hotels and dive bars, kissing creative boys who looked cute, but were emotionally underdeveloped and on the young side. In short, the past couple of years have been a never-ending trip of hedonistic fun. Not surprisingly, I’ve remained single, bar a few flings. It is rather hard to forge a relationship when you are in and out of the country. I meet tons of men, but they’re the ones preoccupied with going out — who just want a good-time girl. And my life can sound ridiculous to a bloke doing the nine to five. When it includes drowning in prosecco at the Bauer Hotel, in Venice, before stopping in Paris, then heading to Basel, how do you respond to “What have you been up to?” without sounding like a show-off?
I’m beginning to rein things in, though. At heart, I’m rather old-fashioned, and would be happy to settle down. I’m tired of finding myself in inappropriate romantic situations. And I am bored with the hangovers and the worry of what all this fabulousness is doing to my health. But the grass is always greener. I heard a story about a 70-year-old Parisian lady in the Marais, going to bars in her furs and being escorted home by twentysomething men. It didn’t sound that bad a future.

Twitter learnings

2011-06-07T15:20:00.000-07:00

Twitter is an interesting thing. As with many things in my life, I started my adventure without really knowing what I wanted out of it or what I was willing to put into it. After four days I can say I am slightly addicted to at least checking in to everything once an hour. Even more than before. Check on facebook people, check in on fourswuare and read Twitter. I knew this would happen. I have an addictive personality in general. I fall too hard for guys, eat too much of a good thing and can’t seem to stop myself with shoes. What I wasn’t prepared for was the random crap I would be introduced to.

Examples:

- I tweet about Vegas and am bombarded with offers for the hottest Vegas nightlife
- I tweet about apple and all my Mac friends come to its defense
- I tweet about needing a new dress and am sent offers for free online coupons.

It’s pretty amazing actually. The best one? I tweet about not being able to read Time magazine anymore because it gives me anxiety attacks because I want to fix everything. I get a response for an anti-anxiety drug.

Good to know that if I ever do need access to nightlife, computer advice or meds, Twitter and all my Twitter-ettes will be there to help me.

Follow me on Twitter! SingingAmieB

(Soon I’ll figure out how to link this blog…..all in good time.)

Here are my tweets so far:

46- correction- you CAN'T let go if you're holding on.
45- Time magazine is why I have anxiety attacks. I can't fix it all and I want to.
44- Thank you and happy birthday to #annakournikova for taking on the banner of keeping 30s sexy. It was getting heavy
43- And THAT, ladies and gentlemen is how you do it.
42- another boring day, another value-losing dollar. Nice to think about having all next week off though!
41- why is everyone excited about iCloud? Pay so I can access the music I already own? Honestly don't get it. But happy people are happy.
40- Good run, load of laundry and Greys Anatomy. Not so bad for a Monday. See you tomorrow!
39- Lawn is mowed! And I tortured the cat by leaving Best In Show in while I was outside
38- nice easy drive home. I like it
37- just sat and listened to all the teasers of the new #sarahjarosz album. I'm in love, again.
36- #Groupon rocks! Just printed out my deal for #oldnavy. Time to shop!!
35- was just handed a ridiculously time wasting assignment. Thank goodness the workday eventually ends
34- looking for places to rent for the summer. Not looking forward to packing.
33- working working working. Wishing I was still in #Vegas.....
32- Have a night totally empty for the first time in a while. What should I do?
31- Happy Monday. Eventful weekend and ready for a quiet day at work. Followers? 49.
30- last tweet of the weekend. Such a good time!
28- @ the petstore. Couldn't leave without donating cans of cat food to homeless kitties
27- you'll never guess- still here!! Don't be jealous. You know you want to sit around all day too.
26- okay. Three hours in. Of sitting. I'm losing steam.....
25- Still sitting at a callback. This is the hard part most of the time.
24- it's a little unnerving to look at how much life can get turned upside down in only 5 days.
23- just met a dog whose head came to my chest and I'm wearing heels. That's a big dog.
22- hello long beach. I missed you!!
21- my favorite feature of Roxie, my car? #Ford Sync where I can play my iPhone through speakers via Bluetooth. What's yours?
20- goodbye Vegas. :(
I checked in at The Chandelier (3708 Las Vegas Blvd S) on #Yelp http://bit.ly/gLb7VR
19- drinks IN a #Chandelier?!!? Who thinks of this? I love this city. #lasvegas
18- Afton and I are going to start a girl band covering 'Pocketful of Sunshine'. We need a name....
17- I am currently a green room in Vegas. Wahoo!!
16- I just ran down Las Vegas Blvd in 4' heels and a strapless mini dress. Hooray Vegas!
15- free Elvis show? Yes please!!
14- why why why WHY are you smoking and holding your baby?!!!
13- patiently waiting for my peeps to get here. Best clubs? Fave drinks? Awesome shows? I loVe Vegas. Tell me what you like about it!
12- $50 gift card to Macy's. Off to buy a dress for tonight! Do you have a favorite style? Suggestions are welcome.
11- my friend Mel has a press pass for the miss USA pageant. Not gonna lie, I'm a little jealous.
10- impromptu lunch with Melodye! Gotta love it!
9- Sun moved. Time to shift chairs!
8- I need a sexier hobby. Anyone have any ideas?
7- I'm not just water-skiing, I'm boxing water-skiing. I do love pod advertising.
6- I think I'll only do this project while awake. Just as interesting. Woke up in Vegas. Not a bad start to the weekend.
5- #ladygaga uses baby food to keep in shape. Hmmm....do they have steak flavored baby food? a good red wine? Wait. Yuck. I'll eat the steak
4- I can't even imagine losing a part of my body, let alone a hand. So very thankful for my health.
3- I truly hate the awful advice #drlaura gives. She just told a woman to stay in a marriage with an alcoholic. WTF?!!?
2- Vegas Vegas Vegas!! Where do you like to eat when there?
1- First of 3,360. What have I gotten into? #bigprojects

3,360 Tweets......May be the Ultimate Overshare

2011-06-03T16:29:00.000-07:00

While researching how to link my Twitter feed to this blog, my website and to Facebook it occurred to me that society might be over sharing. I might be over sharing. Then I thought about all the things I WANT to say on Twitter and Facebook, but don't, and I comfort myself that I’m still in the circle of okay.

But what if I wasn’t? What if I said exactly what I was thinking at the moment I wrote my tweet/status post? What if I didn’t edit myself or say “no one needs to know that”. How long would it take before I stopped thinking things I shouldn’t share? How long before I didn’t care what people thought? How long before I changed my thinking so anyone can know it all?

Hence the experiment I am undertaking this summert:

140 characters for 140 days.

Every hour, starting at 7pm tonight 3 June 2011 until 7p 20 Oct 2011, I will post something on Twitter. (I will not post it all on Facebook. Some people have my status come to their phones and I wouldn’t wish that many texts on anyone.) 140 characters every hour for 140 days. The caveat being during the night. Before I go to sleep each night I will tweet one tweet for every hour I will be sleeping.

These tweets will be anything I’m thinking at that moment. If I’m on the phone, I’ll say that. If I’m at dinner, I’ll talk about where I am and what I’m eating. If I found something interesting online I want to share, I'll post that. If I finish a blog, I'll post that. If I’m in the shower…..well I’ll post when I get out. Same for if I’m in the middle of any number of things I can’t be interrupted from, like driving. But hourly, my thoughts will get thrown into the Twitter universe. Hourly, I will share my witty comments, something that happened to me or something I want to do. For those not on Twitter, I will also compile them here once a day. Will be nice to see the timeline of my day. Relive it, if you will.

This project will take me through my couch surfing this summer, through my next two shows, through trips to Disneyland and Vegas, all the way through my first month of grad school. It might fail. It might be brilliant. Let’s see if I can come up with 3,360 remotely interesting things to talk about.

Why am I doing this? Because I can.

Taking stock of what she has and what I haven't

2011-06-02T14:33:00.000-07:00

Most of the time, I am happy with my life. I like myself as a person. I like my friends and my hobbies and my slowly (very slowly) growing career. I believe in my choices and work hard to stay on a path of good and solid living with a healthy dose of fun. When I don’t stop to take stock of what I have and what I haven’t I’m pretty happy. When I don’t sit and look at other people and what they have and what they haven’t I’m even happier. But some days I do stop. And I do look. And those days need to be fewer and farther between.

As facebook brings more and more people into my life I learn about this web of life out there I have been peripherally involved with. People who know people who I am really good friends with and yet have never met. This always throws me. We have 44 friends in common? How do I not know you?!!? And to learn that I was sometimes living in the same city with these people, walking the same streets, living parallel lives without even knowing it. That is when I start to second guess the randomness of the universe.

We make choices every day that effect how our lives will move forward. I don’t believe we have a destiny, but I do believe we have a purpose and our choices either move us towards that purpose or off the path, making it harder to get back on. We chose who to love. We chose where to go to school. We chose where to eat and what jobs to take and which movies to see. And somewhere out there someone is making the same decisions, at the same time, in a world similar to yours, but not quite the same. There is a peripheral woman in my life who is living a life (and has lead a life) that at times I wish I was living. And between you and me, I would have lived it without messing it up like I think she did. But that’s just me projecting. I don't know the details so I can't really judge. Or there is the woman who isn’t in the peripheral, she effects my life every day, and yet I would change positions with her in a hot second if only to have what she has for a fleeting moment.

All this circular talk is simply me thinking about someone in the world who might be looking at my life, thinking it’s similar yet different and comparing it to theirs. Would they be motivated to change their path to be more like mine? Would they be happy with theirs and simply look at me with mild interest? Or would they shake their head and wonder how I managed to mess up every opportunity that was handed to me?

I look at other people and their choices and it constantly motivates me. Interesting blogs motivate me to write more and to entertain through my words and stories. Postings on facebook motivate me to get to the gym or call a friend or go to an audition I was on the fence about. Check-ins on yelp.com or foursquare motivate me to try new places and get out and be more social. Texts and emails from friends and family motivate me to be a better girlfriend/sister/daughter/aunt/friend. I am learning to take everything as a possibility and not as just a moment.

My biggest fear is that I will not have lived a full life. That something (money, time, relationships, career, life) will get in the way and I will look back and stamp my foot in frustration that “she” got to do this or that while I was off doing something else. Frustrated that she got the guy, or got the cooler part in the play, or had the better hair, or got to own a dog, or got to have kids with him while I was off living my life. My fear is that I won’t find peace in my choices, that I will constant second guess and wonder and look for a life that I wished I had lead.

In this instance fear might just be the best motivator.

My Glee-fully White T-Shirt

2011-05-27T15:33:00.000-07:00

I was a slow passenger on the “Glee” train. It seemed silly and poorly written and, to be honest, one more show I didn’t get cast in. I pushed against it for the first half of the first season. Then my best friend, who rarely gets behind anything popular, starting watching it with his kids and talking with me about it. Then FB people started talking. And Twitter. Soon I was surrounded by the show and eventually I sat and watched an episode. And then another. And I found I really liked it. I do not consider myself a Gleek by any means, but I am a fan. And I subscribe to it on hulu.

This week I am catching up on my Glee episodes. I just finished watching “Born This Way” where the students are given the task to write something on their blank white t-shirts they are ashamed of or would like to change about themselves. The goal is for them to accept their flaws as part of the perfect package that they are. I watched the final dance number, where they actually sing Lady Gaga’s song and reveal what their shirt says. Got me wondering what my t-shirt would say.

At 32 there are parts of me that I truly love. I love my ability to plan a good party and gather people together to enjoy themselves. I love that I am someone my friends come to when they need advice or help with something because they trust my judgement. I love that I make people laugh. I love that I have great relationships in my life that I have worked hard to nurture and enjoy. I love my legs. I love my wrists and my hands. I love my cheek bones and my clavicle. I love that I remember birthdays and send holiday cards. I love that I love Valentine’s Day. I love that I have an infectious energy that people truly enjoy being around. I love that I over plan and then throw my plans out the window because something else came along. I love that I can cry during an episode of Glee just as easily as the end of a Hallmark commercial. I love that I know my body. I love that I know my God. I truly love who I am.

But does my self-acceptance mean I don’t have anything to write on my white shirt? Goodness no. I wouldn’t know how to pick just one thing, when I start thinking about it. What would I change about me? I would give myself more confidence when faced with skinny beautiful women who are secure in themselves. Eventually I get around to it and we become friends. But initially? The husky 15-yr-old who never got picked for lifts in her dance company comes out and tells me I’m too fat/ugly/boxy/plain to be liked by someone as cool as they are.

I would give myself larger, more picture perfect breasts. I’m not going to lie, it’s something I truly believe I would be happier with. I would give myself flat abs and a waistline. I would change how I jump to conclusions before I think it out. I would change my inability to just forget, and the need to punish until I feel justified. I would change my barely there discipline and lack of will power. I would change my hoarding tendencies and make me a cleaner person.

I would change my desperate need to be loved and seen as unique and irreplaceable.

Yet, even as I write this post, I am smiling because I know in my heart that all of these things make me who I am. And I love who I am. That’s not just greeting card wisdom. Without my low self esteem I wouldn’t work so hard to be fit and pretty and liked. I wouldn’t work so hard to better myself and be the best I can be. If I had larger breasts I might not enjoy running and would never have that amazing feeling of crossing the finish line of a marathon. I can get flat abs, if I work hard enough. That change goes along with the lack of discipline and will power. Both things that I can do better about. Jumping to conclusions means I’m a fast thinking and able to make anything from anything. I’m like the MacGyver of emotions. My inability to forgive and forget allows me to have constant vigilance in relationships and be a present and loving partner. (Let’s be honest, I could probably work on this one a little more.) The collecting and cleanliness are both habits I can work on. They aren’t in stone.

And the need to be loved and seen as irreplaceable? My desire for that fuels most of what I do. I need to be loved. I need to be adored. I need to feel useful and important and like I matter in this world. I need to be present and accounted for. I need to be everything. This need keeps me up until 2a working on Christmas presents, out until all hours finding the perfect gift, calling everyone I know to tell them I love them, and working harder and harder every day to make sure no time here is wasted. It is important to me that I be the best person I can be.

So what would my white t-shirt say?

- Neurotic
- Small Boobs
- Opinionated
- Lazy
- Messy
- Boxy
- Needy

Heck yeah I am. And baby, I was born this way.

Easy Temping Day

2011-05-26T18:17:00.000-07:00

I have complained about my jobs a lot in the past years. I truly hate sitting at a desk and wasting my life. You know that. However, now that I am set to begin school in the fall I have a new appreciation for my ability to sit quietly at a desk and wait for the clock to run out. I am temping again and it’s going well.

It helps that my boss doesn’t really pay attention to me here. It helps that he likes me a lot and thinks I can do no wrong. It helps that there isn’t a ton to do. It helps that the small amount of work there is to do, I’m over qualified for. And it helps to know that in two months I’m gone. I’m not stuck here. I’m not tied down to one place to work that I hate. I get to leave. And having an out makes dealing with the monotony so much easier.

Having a day like yesterday helps too. Here is the break down of my day, and one more reason why I can’t really complain about it too heartily.

8:45a- got to work 15 minutes late. I wanted to stop for coffee….so I did.
9:30-12:30- watched some hulu (Being Human, CougarTown (two episodes) and Glee)
12:45-1:45- took a nap in my car
2-4:30- watched more CougarTown and Modern Family
4:30- left work 30 minutes early because my boss was out of the office and my other co-worker had gone home

Let's not forget my hourly adventures on facebook, watching youtube videos and researching loans for school. And researching all inclusive vacations to Hawaii. It was a stupidly easy day. And I got paid to do it! Now, not all of the days are easy. There are days where I rush around and am a chicken all day. But they are worth it when a glorious Thursday pops up and I get to mentally relax.

So there you have it. I am only here for 2 more months. I can do this. Because I know that one day I will never have to sit at a desk again. And it will be all worth it.

And you? How was your Thursday?

The Ambitious 5-Year Plan Needs Good Friends

2011-05-18T12:32:00.000-07:00

I was talking with a friend this morning and they said they judge people by their own rules. I really liked that. Easier to mark people to their own standards instead of my standards for them.

We were talking about people who are ambitious and yet complain all the time about how much they hate their life and what they’re doing. We all know there is a difference between just having a bad day and truly hating your life. I know this as well as anyone.

I consider myself an ambitious person. I have big goals and big dreams. I wake up every morning thinking, some day I will have more than this. I know I will. There is too much in the world to do for me to be content with what I have. For a good two years I just complained. I hated my job. I hated where I lived. I hated that I wasn’t going anywhere. I hated that my dad was dead. I hated that I was single. I hated that I didn’t have a dog or a savings account or anything that showed I had been working my ass off for ten years. I felt like I was treading water and I was truly not happy. And I couldn’t see a way out. Then my best friend took me out to dinner one night and sat me down. He said I had to do something if I wanted to change my life. I needed to start taking the steps and trust they will go somewhere. I told him I was scared of making the wrong decision. He repeated words back to me that I have said in my life- “There is no wrong decision. Just different paths we can take.” At the time all I heard was “yadda yadda yadda” because I felt like I was at the bottom of a pit. Then I started taking some steps.

Little ones at first. I took a summer business class online. Loved it. Then I started truly looking at a 5 year plan. I am not a long-term planner kind of person. There are too many variables. But I knew some of the big ticket items I wanted and saw that I needed to get off my ass and get to it. Last summer I started taking steps to move my life into the one I wanted. I knew it would take some time. I knew the long term goals I had were just that, long term. And I needed to be patient, which is not easy for me.

I moved out of the place where I was living. I loved the family I was living with and leaving was a hard thing to do. But I had to make some changes and where I live is an easily changeable variable in my life. I took a few more online classes and started to narrow down my choices of careers. Then I started the ball rolling for grad school. This was the biggest step I could take. It was a leap. The same friend who sat with me and told me I had to take the steps to change my life was with me the whole time, gently reminding me that I was on the right track and was at least doing something. There were a few times I almost turned around and came home. But he held my hand (over the phone) and walked me through all the doubts and nerves.

In February I quit my steady job. I realized I was done being so unhappy. I was done being the person who hates her job. I was done being associated to an awful outlook on life. So without a backup, without savings and without any references, I quit and didn’t look back. It was the best decision I could have made. Because in March I found out that my hard work had paid off and I would be leaving for England in September.

All of this was pushed forward in my memory when I talked with my friend this morning. I am an ambitious person, and that isn’t a bad thing. I did complain (a lot) and then I made the choices to change what I hated. At the time they seemed like individual things. Small choices that weren’t really linked. But looking back on them as I look forward to my next phase of life I see that they all played a vital part in my plan. Without even knowing it I took the steps towards my 5 year plan. My highly ambitious, totally doable and completely malleable 5 year plan.

Good thing I have people in my life who guide me well, make me think and always believe in me. Just add that to the many things that make me a lucky girl.

White Bikini Challege - May Edition

2011-05-17T12:51:00.000-07:00

I have failed beautifully in this!! I mean, not so bad that I am wobbling around dragging my extra chins along behind me. I haven’t gained a single pound in the past three months. However, I haven’t really lost any weight either. I haven’t weighed myself since last Sunday and at that time I was still an least 20 lbs above my goal weight. And I have jeans that don’t fit. And I have a formal that doesn’t fit.

But I also have jeans that are too loose. I have costumes that need to be taken in and I have shorts that look amazing on me.

So the scale isn’t moving quickly. Okay. But it is moving. I have made a few adjustments in my eating this past week and I like the outcome. I haven’t been drinking much at all, except for this past weekend when my show opened. Doing a show tends to toss all dieting logic out the window. I love to drink with people! At least I have stopped drinking alone. For now. But I also have stopped eating carbs after 4p and that is working really well for me. I like how light I feel when I go to sleep at night. I’m eating too much cheese, but that will fade in time. I have to stop with the cheese! In general I’m just eating less, and that’s one of the biggest hurdles to get over.

The bottom line is, I’m slowly (ever so slowly) moving towards my goal. My goal date is July 8 for the wedding and I can do it. But it’s going to take waaaaay more will power than I have shown the past two months. I have to get up and run in the morning. I feel amazing when I do that. There is this awesome sense of accomplishment. I have to drink more water. I have to stop with the cheese. I have to stop with the drinking (which will be easier once my show closes). And I have to keep my eye on the ball.

That white bikini trip to Vegas isn’t my only reward. I also have the promise of a photo shoot, complete with hair and make-up, to show off my hot body. I also have the knowledge that I can complete something. And the pride in actually doing it.

So for anyone who was wondering where the hell I’d gone and if this is still going on- heck yeah it is! There is a white string bikini in my future. And I have two more months to carve the body I need to get into it.

The Great White Bikini Challenge- A Small Victory

2011-04-06T21:30:00.000-07:00

Hi there. I am appalled with how long I have gone without writing. I know I promised a blog on the 22nd, but that didn't happen. Trust me, my to-do list for this blog is getting longer every day. There is so much to talk about and tell the world and get down on virtual paper. If it makes you feel any better, I haven't written in my journal in over a month either. What have I been doing?!!? Not working, that's for sure. I am a fan of not having to go to an office every day. Not a fan of a dwindling paycheck. But that's another story.

Today I wanted to quickly check in and tell you about a win. I watch Biggest Loser every week on Hulu.com and it inspires me. I know these people are playing for $250,000 but they are also busting their butts every week. Kicking their own ideas of what they can and can't do and creating new realities for themselves. This week one of the most inspiring people had to leave and I cried with everyone on the show. She has lost 204 lbs. during her yearlong journey. That's more than an entire person! So in honor of her hard work I worked hard too and put my will power to the test.

I didn't have pizza tonight.

Here's the backstory to that. I love pizza. A lot. Who doesn't? And I love finding new pizza that is so good it makes you want to cry. But living alone I got into the bad habit of ordering a large (since it's cheaper than a medium) and then eating until I was disgustingly full. I started this awful habit after my father died. I would go to my apartment, feel awful, order a pizza and eat the whole thing. When I lost the first round of weight with Jenny Craig I got out of the habit and haven't really gone back that way since. This spring I have slipped back down the slide of weight gain.

This ritual plays into everything mentally wrong with my weight loss journey. I feel like I deserve pizza. So I buy one. Then I feel guilty for spending the money on that when I should have gotten real groceries. So then I use the guilt to fuel eating the entire pie so I don't feel like I wasted my money. The entire pie. That's pizza enough for four people and I eat it all. Then I feel this amazing sense of accomplishment and pride. Then the eventual disgust with myself for being so weak and giving in, when saying "no" is always an option.

Tonight I was strong and I said "no" to the pizza. I didn't walk to the parlor (did I mention this pizza place is only three blocks from my house). I didn't spend money I don't have on pizza I don't need. I didn't reward myself for the yard work I did or justify my bingeing in any way. I just told myself "no" every time I thought I pizza. I told myself I didn't need it and I was stronger than the pizza. Keep in mind I also haven't eaten since lunch so pizza was the fast and easy choice. I have a habit of eating a lot of food when I'm alone and I was alone all day. And I'm smack in the middle of the girlie hormone week and logic isn't usually part of the equation. There were a lot of factors working against me in this little test.

Weight loss and changing your life is a step by step journey. Sometimes the steps are huge and the pounds melt off. That isn't happening for me. I haven't lost a pound in over a month. Due mostly to my crappy eating (I also have a weakness for 7-eleven taquitos. My next will power goal is saying "no" to those) and not being motivated to work out because the show kicks my butt four nights a week. Sometimes the steps are small. Tonight I had my small victory. I didn't eat pizza. It's a step.

I ate a crappy lunch and a handful of M&Ms and half a bottle of wine. So it wasn't a win-win day all around. But I broke a habit tonight. I didn't give into my weaker pizza loving side and I said "no" to the pizza. And I feel really good about.

How about you? What are your bad habits? Anything you want to break this year?

Update on everything

2011-03-22T22:19:00.000-07:00

So so so very sorry for those of you who are waiting for an update. I know my life isn't changing the world, but I do like to think I'm giving you some respite from the "real world". My goal for tomorrow, Wednesday March 23, 2011, is to write about everything that has been happening. Topics include:

- Playing Reno and how is has wonderfully effected me

- My White Bikini Challenge Update (only three more months to lose the 20 lbs!)

- Quitting my job and how it has brilliantly changed my life

- All the other things going on including my new car, my adventures as a single unemployed actress and my adventure into the MA program

Talk soon. Thanks for sticking it out with me!

The White Bikini Challenge- Chicago Style

2011-02-08T23:36:00.000-08:00

My goal in Chicago is to get into grad school. But I would be remiss if I didn’t also talk about food and keep the long term goal in my head. And I’ll be honest, not much of what I ate in the windy city was good for me. Almost none of it, when it’s all laid out in front of me. But it was all hard earned and well worth it. So here is the breakdown of what I ate during my trip to Chicago. I thought it would be easier to just dedicate an entire blog to food than try to add it in with all the other crazy stories about auditions. I took a lot of food with me on this trip because I’m trying to live within a budget. So I had a supply of Luna and Balance bars as well as pretzels, chips, trail mix and almonds. All food that doesn’t melt and will save me when the angry hunger monster appears.

Saturday- not gonna lie. This was not my finest day of eating. Breakfast was a cheese enchilada and a chicken burrito, with rice and beans. Then a tube of whole grain Pringles and a bag of dark chocolate covered pretzels. Yup- that was my entire food consumption for the day. Not a single vegetable.

Sunday- I did a little better. I had a Luna bar for breakfast and a cup of black tea. I was too nervous to eat anything before my audition so I just lived with the hunger pains that inevitably appeared about 5 minutes before I went in for my audition. Immediately afterwards I headed to Subway for a sandwich since they are a budget friendly $5. I had a foot long buffalo chicken on wheat with cheese and….wait for it….ranch dressing. And I ate the entire thing. For dinner I had a sushi roll from Trader Joe’s (grocery shopping, using a gift card, to save even more money) and a beer.

Monday- I had cheese and crackers for breakfast. And after my audition I had a pink sprinkled donut from Dunkin Donuts and a large iced coffee with vanilla. And an egg wrap. I had a beer for lunch and then went out for dinner at a French Bistro with my friend Penney. We had red wine, brie, ratatouille, white fish risotto, bread pudding and chocolate mousse. It was so good.

Tuesday- Cheese and crackers for breakfast again. (See, I am capable of eating what I bought from the store). Lunch was a Balance bar and a free muffin from the USC breakfast table. I was still too nervous to eat anything real. When auditions were done (yippee!) I headed straight to a deep dish pizza and a beer. I had a Chicago home brewery beer at the bar while I waited and then took my pizza home to my bed and enjoyed almost the entire thing. And a hand-filled cannoli, which might have been the best one I’ve eaten. A perfect food end to my stay.

And when it’s all said and done, I weighed myself this morning and I lost a pound during my time out there. Pizza, beer, Pringles and all! Lesson learned? Full nights of sleep and lots of walking (and NOT sitting my butt at a desk) can negate a poor diet……in a pinch.

The Path to Grad School- Day 1

2011-02-05T23:43:00.000-08:00

Today I am in Chicago. I have been to Chicago several times in my life. In 2003 I ran my second marathon here. That’s where I met my friend Penney, a funny story I will write about in a different post. I returned in 2005 for a weekend away with my friend Cathy, meeting up with both Penney and my college friend Christine). In 2008 I came back for Penney’s wedding and in 2009 I ran a ½ marathon out here as part of my insane quest to get all the medals in the Rock n Roll series. So when I got off the plane today it felt like I was coming home. I knew my way around the airport, I knew which train to take to get to my hotel and I knew what to expect from the cold and the wind. And Chicago doesn’t disappoint.

I don’t know if it’s my frequent trips or if it’s my personality. I don’t know if it’s my life experience or just having gypsy blood. But every time I land in a city I immediately feel like I live there. I am comfortable. I can feel my way through the streets and take on the energy of the city. I truly feel like I’m home the moment I get off the plane, half expecting to head to my apartment. I felt this way through every leg of my Greece trip, even when we were only in cities for a night. I am at ease traveling and I enjoy it so much. I feel like I belong everywhere and am exactly where I should be. This trip to Chicago feels the same way.

I take the train into the city from Midway. I am thankful for my strong legs to bring me up and down the stairways (reminiscent of my days in NYC) and my strong arms to carry my suitcase. I exit at Chicago off the Red Line and head up into the streets and get my bearings. The city is gorgeous. It is blanketed in snow, white and pure and soft. A huge smile breaks across my face as I pull my cap down over my ears and start in the direction of my hotel. I love an adventure! I pass the historic water tower and before I turn left towards my hotel I look to the right, down Michigan Ave. It is too cold, and I am carrying too much luggage, to stop and window shop but I see Victoria’s Secret, Bloomingdales, Macy’s, H&M and so many wonderful high-end stores I feel compelled to enter. I don’t, though, knowing my bank account is barely handling this trip, let alone a pop in to Tiffany’s. I console myself with the idea of a warm bed at the end of my walk and I start dragging my suitcase to my hotel.

I am staying at the Hilton Suites, which is right next door to the Hancock Tower. I got the hotel through Priceline and I am so glad I did. The association I am auditioning through have a block of rooms at the hotel where the auditions are being held. I called a few months ago and booked a room, at the startling rate of $129. Which I know is not expensive for downtown Chicago. But I am in Chicago for four nights and it kind of hurt to think about paying over $600 just for the room. I put in a priceline bid for $50 at a 3.5 star in the same area and I got it. Whew! So the Hilton it is!

I check in, give them my Hilton Honors VIP number (here I come free night!) and head up to my room. It is so big! A one bedroom suite with a fridge and a microwave. A bath tub (not common in big city baths because of space), a desk for me to work on and a living room, complete with couch and television. But my favorite part? The king-sized bed with seven pillows and a view of Lake Michigan. I am in heaven.

Saturday is my “down time” day. I have nothing but time, so I set out unpacking and going through my ritual. I didn’t realize I had a ritual until I went to Greece and found that I did the same things in the same order every time I got to a new room. I stay in a LOT of hotels in my life. I love them more than I love my own apartment, and I definitely have a way I do things.

I walk around and see what there is, taking stock of what is around and what I’ll be using. I’m pleased to see a little vanity where I can get ready in the morning. It is just a cute little addition to the room and makes me smile. I pull the suitcase rack out of the closet and set it up in the living room. I never unpack my clothes in a hotel. I’m not sure why. I will unpack everything else, including toiletries and paperwork and even my shoes get taken out and lined up next to the door, but the clothes always stay in the suitcase. I unpack all my papers and put them on the desk. I take my toiletries into the bathroom and put everything where it goes. Nothing in drawers (in case I accidentally leave them) but everything gets laid out to be used.

When I have unpacked to my liking, and called my mom to tell her I made it safely, I throw myself onto the bed. Literally throw. Flop down on the gorgeous white sheets and start pulling all the pillows to me. I have already pulled the extra blanket out of the closet and I turn the television on. Within minutes I am asleep, using my downtime to its fullest. There is nothing better for me, before I head into the craziness of grad school auditions, than the sweet sleep that immediately envelopes me.

Well, nothing better than a nap and the entire tube of Whole Grain Pringles I eat four hours later when I wake up.

White Bikini Challenge- Thursday 3 Feb 2011

2011-02-03T12:52:00.000-08:00

My current diet is like a great boyfriend, with husband potential, that I cheat on…..with carbs.

I am failing. There is no way around it. And I am hitting a major wall. I know I am only a few weeks in, and weight will go up and down. I know that this is a long term goal and I have allowed for a slow, healthy weight drop. But I am frustrated and I am not really sure what to do about it.

I am back to 172 lbs. Back where I was 3 weeks ago. Back above 170. Back where I hate to be. I KNOW it’s just a number. I feel fine. I am active and my body is working really well. But this number is what I am trying to get past. This number is what I am taking on as a challenge and trying to prove to myself I can do. This weight loss is about looking good, but it’s also about figuring out the “why” of things.

I read this article today about the link between our mentality and our ability to lose weight. One quote is stuck in my head: You cannot achieve your goal until you change your behavior. I reworded it so it is something I can say to myself (I cannot achieve MY goal until I change….) and it is a small glimmer of a new way of thinking. I hit upon this last year when I took stock of my life and where was headed. The idea being that we need to change our future. In order to do that we have to change our present, which is really our past. If I want a different future I need to change what I do NOW so that tomorrow I will have changed my past. This works in life goals and it works in weight loss goals.

I need to change my now.

This all makes perfect sense to me. It is logical and intricate and interesting. I love it. And yet I cannot seem to change my now. I am constantly derailed and so easily taken off my path. And I can justify it! And it’s driving me crazy.

I ate a donut this week. And more bagels than anyone should eat. I had two on Saturday, two on Tuesday, and two on Wednesday. Each with a healthy slathering of cream cheese. So it’s no wonder I have gained the weight back. I’m also drinking coffee, not sleeping and not working out. No real surprise why the pounds have come back. But instead of feeling revived that I know what the problem is and I can change it, I feel defeated and start to want to give up. I start to think "of course" and "why bother". I won’t give up, I’m too into it now. Plus if I throw the towel in I will have a legion of angry fans calling for my head. Or, just my four friends who read this telling me I can’t give up because I’m better than that.

I’m just thrown and lost and really frustrated. The White Bikini seems hopelessly far away and kind of stupid. It feels completely unattainable and not worth it.

I just have to work through this, figure out the WHY of what I’m doing and keep plugging along. We all have down days and we all get off track. (Did you live through the Bush years? Even a country can go off kilter for a while.) I have the rest of today to eat well and get my head on straight. I have a fun rehearsal tonight and I leave for Chicago in 42 hours. I have a lot of good. A few extra lbs can’t keep me from seeing all of that.

The difference between failure and success is perseverance

And you? Any stumbling blocks this week? Anything you’d like to feel down on yourself about so I can give you a virtual hug?

Harry Potter Pallooza 2011 – Party #1

2011-01-30T11:19:00.000-08:00

So last year, after watching HP 7.1 at midnight with Eric, I had the idea that we should do our Harry Potter Parties again. In 2009, when movie 6 came out, we did a party for each movie and had a blast. I did some quick math and realized that movie 7.2 comes out in July, seven months into the year. With seven books, that gives us a book a month to read and then have the party. Eric loved the idea. And, thankfully, he has time to be on facebook so he got the ball rolling. He created a group, invited people and started booking volunteers to host all the parties. I was so excited to see it all come together. And to see how many people we know who love the books and want to party!

Tonight was the first of our seven Harry Potter Pallooza parties. It was a huge hit! There are some pictures on the bottom of this post. So many people came! We had Mrs. Figg, Aunt Petunia, James and Lily Potter, Gryffindor’s Head Boy, Luna, Prof Quirrell, Hermione, Hannah Abbot, a Slyrerin student and even one of the actors who got typed out at auditions. We had several muggles and many new additions to our celebrations.

Setting up the house is always my favorite part. Well, that and planning the entire party. I spent hours online researching what to serve and ideas for decorations. I read about other HP parties and what worked and what didn’t. I love that it’s a group effort and people always have awesome ideas. Greg, Chase and I co-hosted this party and we used their house for the main event. It’s perfect because it’s filled with dark wood and arched hallways. Greg bought Hogwarts House Colors lights for outside and we just replaced the blubs from the Christmas lights that were still up. Since we are also doing next month’s party it works out perfectly. Then we used some of the lanterns they had at their wedding and put candles in them for outside to set the mood even more. It was awesome!

Inside, the house crests were up on the walls and a day by day calendar of all that happened in the first year. We set up a Honeydukes (the candy shop in Hogsmeade) and had Dumbledore Lemonheads, Fizzing Whizbees, Bernie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans, Golden Galleons, Cauldron Cakes and Pumpkin Pasties (complete with cinnamon whipped cream, which was stupid amazing). It was so cool. Everyone brought plenty of snacking foods and no one went home hungry. To drink we had sangria and Butterbeer. Such a wonderful night.

I have it worked into my monthly budget to purchase the Ultimate Harry Potter Blu-Ray for each movie that is out. So next week I get to buy movie 2! It is completely worth it. I have all the movies on DVD but the extended-ultimate Blu-Ray is sooooo much better! The movie is the extended version, and there are STILL scenes that you can watch in the special features section. There is a “Making of” documentary for each movie as well as games, interactive online things and every TV spot that was ever done for each movie as well as all the trailers and teasers that were ever made. It’s really quite amazing.

Watching the movie on Blu-Ray was awesome. The picture was clear and clean and so gorgeous. Having the extended scenes included into the running of the movie made it even more fun for those of us who have seen the movie many, many times. They were like little surprises. And we were all rolling with laughter at the new stuff. It was so worth it. I had just finished reading the book and it was really neat to see the scenes that were originally cut out of the movie get put back in. It made for a longer movie, but even truer to the book than the original is. Made reading the book worth it! Now I get to start on book #2!

I think my lasting memory of tonight will be how utterly happy I was. The entire night. I was surrounded by people I truly loved and enjoyed spending time with. I was watching a movie that I love. I love to plan parties and having this one go off without a hitch was a true gift. I had a smile on my face the entire time. I found myself constantly stopping, looking around and saying “I am so happy”. There was nowhere else I wanted to be at that moment. I felt lucky. I felt blessed. I felt loved and I was truly happy. Those moments are what all the awful things make survivable.

I already miss everyone. Good thing our next movie is in three weeks.

And you? Do you like HP? Do you read them? Favorite or least favorite thing about book 1?

White Bikini Challenge- Friday 1/28/11

2011-01-28T22:31:00.000-08:00

This week I have been a hot mess of not eating well. We started rehearsals for Anything Goes on Monday and I got measured for costumes. This makes for the second time I was measured this week and the measurement was the same both times. So there is a good thing in that. And when she pulls costumes and measures me again in a month, I will be even smaller. And there is good in that. And more motivation. I managed to fit in a few workout sessions in between work and rehearsal, but I have to do that every day to make up for the morning run I’m not getting in. Plus it’s a good warm up for rehearsal and keeps me focused and mentally here. If I don’t get my runs I start to feel like a caged animal. Or a border collie who needs to get out there and just RUN!

I went to the grocery store on Tuesday night, complete with list and good intentions. And I kept to both. I stayed within my list and my food goals. Less processed, less meat and dairy, and all foods that will keep for a while. I always want more fresh foods, but I knew with my schedule I was going to have to think more long term. So lots of lean cuisine, lots of frozen veggies and a protein bar for my drive every morning. I also bought cereal, which is the only thing I’m not proud of. I haven’t have cereal in my house in months and now I remember why. It’s too easy to eat. Too easy to lose track of measurements and too easy to have another bowl. I bought the good kind – Multigrain and Total- but they are still high calorie cereals that need to not be in my world. I will eat the ones I bought, but lesson learned. No cereal in my house. It’s too dangerous! I can say no to ice cream, pie, pudding and truffles. But a bowl of cereal? Gotta have it!

Along those lines is the timing of my cereal meal. With rehearsals going strong I am getting home at 11p or later and am starving. So I have a bowl of cereal. Not a good idea. I like the comforting carb coma I go into afterwards and it puts me right to sleep. But it is not a good thing for my body so I need to curb that. Stick to my goal of no barbs after I leave work. One more guideline!

So here we are on Friday. I started drinking coffee again, which I’ve gone all month without needing, I’m eating late into the night and I’m not getting more than 6 hours of sleep a night. Oh and my morning runs have fallen off the schedule. I need to re-evaluate. This is the first week of rehearsals and I am getting back on the wagon and into a new routine. I have to plan my food even better, MAKE time for runs and keep hydrated since I am not sleeping enough. I can do this.

Especially since this the role I’ve wanted for over 10 years. I am not going to throw it away by not taking care of myself!

How about you? How was your week?

White Bikini Challenge- Monday 1/24/11 and Cheat Day #2

2011-01-24T22:29:00.000-08:00

Monday Morning weight- 167 Down 7 lbs since Dec 28, 2010

I am on course for my July goal- but these first ones are the “easy” pounds. It’s all holiday water and crap weight that my body hasn’t had for very long. Once I hit under 165 I’ll start to have to work harder since my body LOVES that weight and really wants to stay there. I might find 160 is where my body functions at its best. And as long as I’m eating whole foods and keeping my fat percentage down, I will eventually not care about a number. I’ll just live where my body likes to live. But for the sake of this year I am going for the big goal. I will not be deterred!

On Saturday I had to go get measured and fitted for a bridesmaid dress. The result: Chest 44 Waist 33 Hips 43. Not brilliant but totally workable. The sales woman nicely told me I had the measurements of a fashion model because I was ten inches different from waist to hip. That made me laugh. But I took the compliment and thought about being a high powered fashion model throughout the rest of the fitting. That thought is also what kept me from stopping and getting frozen yogurt that afternoon. We ordered the dress and I knew that when I came back in May for my fitting it was going to have to be taken in. She said they are able to take in up to six sizes, so I’m safe.

I then had a massage client, which went really well (further confirming that I need to be doing that instead of office work). I needed a snack afterwards. I was famished! Standing in the middle of the AM/PM I was seriously torn about what to eat. I LOVE the packaged sandwiches at gas stations. I like the breaded chicken and the jalapeño and cheese corn dogs. But that love is what put me in this situation, so I knew I had to say no to those. I also didn’t want to eat crap anymore. I wanted whole foods and good for me foods. I must have walked through that AM/PM for 15 minutes, battling about what I was going to eat. A sandwich? Fritos and bean dip (my “healthy” gas station food since there are no preservatives in Fritos.)? Ice cream? Just a cup of coffee? I went through everything. Keep in mind I am also always on a budget so the .99$ hotdog was incredibly tempting, if only for my pocketbook.

But I decided my waist was more important than my retirement fund and I went with a package of plain almonds and a water. Both very good decisions and I felt smart about my dinner.

Then I drove to Vegas. I ate well on the way out there, stopped and got a chicken gyro which was really filling. Went for a run Sunday morning and had tuna salad for breakfast. I was really proud of myself for keeping my eye on the prize- the buffet dinner, my “cheat” meal. Headed to my audition at 1:30, which is what I had been stressing about for months. I needed to be skinny for this! And I knew going into it that I wasn’t skinny enough. Well all that stress was unfounded. I sang well and they ended up not keeping any singers. So off my friend and I went to Sahara for $1 hotdogs and $1 beers. And my night of eating waaaaay too much began. We hit the hotdogs and the beer and then we went to the buffet. Yes- a buffet while on a diet. Not my finest moment. But I went because it’s Vegas and I wanted it. And I ate and I ate and I ATE. And I enjoyed every moment of it.

So here we are at the start of another week. How was your weekend? How are you doing with your resolutions?

White Bikini Challenge- Friday 1/21/11

2011-01-21T22:27:00.000-08:00

I have failed brilliantly this week at work. That's twice I have to chalk up a week to failure. Not the best way to go about changing my life. But maybe the lesson is that I am aware and am starting to see patterns and where I have problems. I'm learning and each new thing I learn is only going to move me forward, as long as I make changes. That is the biggest part. I have to make the changes.

I’m eating emotionally, eating to celebrate, eating because I’m bored and because I am really, really hungry. And the scale is reflecting this.

Last night I fell off the wagon with the trip to Buffalo Wild Wings. I ate fried everything and had a beer. Granted it was a light beer, but it still is not part of the “eat right so I can cheat on Sunday” plan. There is no alcohol allowed during the week! This was emotional eating, as I had just finished a really hard 4-hour callback for a part I really wanted. So I went to BWW at 11p at night with my friend Eric and ate over 1000 calories. I have a long weekend of running coming up, but there is no reason to sabatoge myself before I even get there! This is one of the reasons I need to focus on my cheat day. No more preemptively eating because I “plan” to go for a run. That is getting added to the goal list.

I also started reading Jillian Michael’s Master Your Matabolism and it is amazing. I love Jillian from both her Biggest Loser show and her Losing It With Jillian show she did last summer. This book is making me love her even more. She is smart. It’s an easy read and very interesting. Her passion for the subject comes through in every passage. I am learning even more about how our bodies work and what amazing machines they are. Motivates me to take even better care of it and get it running at it’s peak. If you can, check it out from the library and take it to heart. She has tons of research backing her up and decades of trial error experience.

And you? What is one of your favorite work-out books? Motivation books? Have a suggestion for me?

White Bikini Diet Tuesday 18 January 2011

2011-01-18T22:23:00.000-08:00

Epic fail this week so far. This is what I mean about life putting obstacles in our way and testing our diet resolve. I went to Disneyland and ate their dark chocolate honeycomb. I couldn’t resist. It’s like my kryptonite. Even telling myself three times that I could have it on the following Sunday didn’t help. What did I learn? Don’t buy it! I was fine just looking at it and remembering what it tasted like. I was fine walking through the store and smelling it. I really didn’t need to eat it. So, lesson learned for me. Don’t buy it and then say I’ll eat it later. I am not that strong yet!

I had a nice bbq turkey sandwich for lunch with an iced tea and no dessert. So that was good. And it kept me full for the rest of the day. I went to my callback and wasn’t hungry until afterwards. And then I fell down the tunnel again. Here is the ugly truth: I stopped and I got a donut. I am ashamed to even type this because I want to believe I am stronger than the donut and stronger than the temptation. But sometimes I am not. And last night I was not. I had just poured my heart throughout a three hour callback and I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. Plus after all that I didn’t get the part and was sent home. That's no excuse, but it does show me my emotional state when I jumped head first off the wagon. So on the way home, I drove past a donut shop. I have driven by this donut shop so many times and I decided that I needed to boost myself up.

I know- not smart. I can’t salve my loss of anything with food. That’s not smart. I knew this whole thing was a bad idea. And I KNEW it as I drove past it. I knew it as I turned the car around and pulled in. I knew it as I stood there in line, waiting. I knew it as I ordered and they didn’t have the one I wanted. Even as I sat in the car with the bag, I knew I shouldn’t eat them. (Because I didn’t get just one. Oh no, I got two!) I bit into the apple fritter, wanting so badly for it to be as good as I knew it was bad for me. It was NOT. It was a hockey puck! So I put it down and I tried the other one. Also awful! So I put them both down in the bag and squashed them up so I wouldn’t be tempted to eat them.

I failed on Monday. I succeeded in that I didn’t eat the entire donut. I succeeded in that I didn’t have fast food or a soda or anything else bad for me. But I failed in not using food to make me feel better.

The lesson I learned? LISTEN TO MY GUT! Even as it gets smaller, I need to listen to when I know something is good or bad for me. That is when I’m going to be okay with the decision and know it was the right one.

White Bikini Challenge Sunday- 1st Cheat Day!

2011-01-16T22:20:00.000-08:00

On my desk, in big red letters is “I Can Have It Sunday.” It reminds me every time I reach for chocolate or chips or anything else I shouldn’t be eating if I want to lose the extra weight. I have done well with Sunday being my goal for a cheat meal/cheat day. I can’t decide which I want. Cheat meal makes more sense so I don’t spend all day just shoving in whatever food I want. But I started the day with a left over wine cooler, so there you have it. I hadn’t had alcohol all week and I just needed some kind of treat. Wait, I did have a glass of wine at Sarah’s house on Saturday when we were doing costume dress up, but it was almost Sunday…….And I kind of cheated a little during the week. I am not good with diets! I feel like I’m continuously getting derailed from them. I ate sensibly….for the most part. But I did have yogurt on Saturday night as well as a Quiznos sandwich. I know, I know. Not ideal. I really have to get my emotional eating under control.

To save me, though, I did do an awful lot of running this weekend. I ran three mornings for my 5am wake up. On Saturday I finished 4 miles with Jalin and on Sunday I ran 4 miles with Sharon. We are all gearing up for the Safari ½ marathon in March. I love running with my girls. So much better than finishing off 4, or more, miles alone. And the running in the morning and all weekend paid off. After not losing anything all week I stepped on the scale at Sharon’s house and weighed in at 170.6. This is a 4 lbs weight loss for the week! Wahoo! That is some awesome motivation!

I went to a mystery dinner theater for dinner Sunday at an Italian restaurant. This is the meal I had been looking forward to all week. I had a ravioli, a salad, one piece of bread and a few cups of spaghetti. Ooh, and a large scoop of spumoni for dessert. And two gin martinis. The whole night was a recreation of the prohibition era! I had to partake!

What did I learn about myself during my cheat day?

I liked seeing the 4 lbs weight loss, so indulging didn’t seem like that big of a treat. I saw some progress and was motivated to keep the progress going.

I should have ordered the chicken plate instead of the spaghetti. Just because I “can” eat the bad stuff doesn’t mean I need to. The chicken came with a small portion of pasta and I would have been happy with that.

I don’t need the bread beforehand. This is something that is in all the diet books, but I never believed them. I do now. I don’t need the white paste in there clogging up things and making my belly big!

I like vodka martinis, not gin.

The cheat meal was totally worth it because I got spumoni!

Dinner was wonderful and the company was delightful. I have posted a picture of everyone in their costumes. I had a really good time, making the cheat meal exactly what it is supposed to be- about the people, not the food.

The Great White Bikini Weight Loss – Thursday

2011-01-13T21:03:00.000-08:00

I have run at 5a for the past three mornings. 2 miles, to the ocean and back. I get to say good morning to the ocean every morning, and I love it. Monday I did the weight class and the last night I did a yoga class. Not a fan of this yoga teacher. I have tried yoga many times and I just can’t seem to get that "zen" feeling people talk about. I get frustrated. I feel bored. I don’t see God or meditate. And maybe it’s because I have only ever taken class at a gym. I haven’t taken from a yoga studio where they are there to teach the form and joy of yoga. Perhaps that will be another thing on the list to try.

I am a runner. I love to run. I love to clock off the miles. I love to time myself and try to go faster and be better. I love working on my form and matching my breaths to my steps. I love the freedom of running. I can see myself running every morning until I die. I love it that much. It doesn't bore me. It always challenges me and it makes me feel great. These morning runs are adding good things to my life. This week I kept it at 2 miles only. I might do that all next week too. It’s a good amount of time and it’s a good distance. I will eventually add a mile, just to keep challenging myself. But the challenge right now is getting out of bed and I know I can do 2 miles and accomplish something.

Oh this job. May I just take one moment and say how much I HATE BEING HERE!! I like the people just fine and I know I will stay friends with two of them after I quit. But I cannot stay here. I drive one hour EACH WAY to get to a job where I sit on my ass all day long and don’t change the world. I don’t even alter the world. I am wasting away as I sit here. I can barely get the motivation to do anything. This job is literally pecking away at my soul and I can’t do it anymore. I have my two-week notice date and I am sticking to it. More than one thing in my life will change before this summer begins.

On the food front, I’ve done pretty well. During the workday I keep my hands out of the candy and away from the chips. I didn’t have a burger with everyone today. I have kept under 1400 calories each day and I am eating my veggies and proteins. I did have some sausage the past few nights (and no, not the manly sexy kind) which I’m sure is cheating for some. But for those of us on a budget it works. I had it, I won’t buy it again and I only eat 4oz, portioning out so I don’t eat the whole thing. It is hard to start an eating regiment during PMS week, I’m not going to lie. I would have KILLED someone for pizza last night. And chocolate. And a steak. But I soothe myself with “I can have it Sunday” and the knowledge that I am not going to do myself great harm by not stopping and getting a meatball sandwich from Subway. I will survive. Doesn’t feel like it sometimes, but I am still here and the cravings haven’t killed me yet.

And you? How’d you do in the eating world? Anything fun come into your life this week?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Update: I caved and got Fritos, bean dip and a Snickers ice cream bar today on the way home. Amazingly, when I typed my information into bodybugg.com, I still came in under 1500 calories for the day. I know I need to be stronger, but I couldn't do it! 2 HOURS in traffic, three days of raging hormones and no one to cuddle with. I needed chocolate..... and salt! I hate to blame weakness on something so feminine and basic, but it's the truth. And I know I'm not alone in this.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will be back on the horse. I'm just glad it didn't get any worse.

The Great White Bikini Weight Loss – Tuesday

2011-01-11T20:51:00.000-08:00

Happy 1-11-11!!! It's really cool that we get four of these this year. I love it! I have a feeling something really cool is going to happen on 11.11.11. I should get married! But let's focus on this week's goal.

Monday update- Last night kicked my ass. I went to a BodyPump class at my gym and I really liked it. It is hard to just do weights by myself. I get bored and don’t push myself hard. It's easier in a class with music and a great instructor. And, to be honest, I could have kicked it farther. I don’t know why I am so tentative in workouts. I just pace myself. I know I have to work out for the entire 60 minutes so I do everything at an even pace thinking that I just have to survive. What would happen if I pushed harder? If I added just a little more weight? If I trusted that my body is strong and can handle what I push it to do? I guess I'll find out next week when I take the class again.

And the biggest change I have made this week is my 5a run. When I was training with Kiersten for the Long Beach 1/2 Marathon I got up every morning and ran with her. I dropped weight and leaned out. I loved it. I also loved having my workout done before the day got in the way. That way if I make it to the gym for a second work out it’s a bonus not a failure for the day.

I’m not going to say it was easy. It really, really wasn’t. My alarm went off at 4:45a and I very nearly rolled over and slept for another 30 minutes. That was my habit. Then I stopped myself and I used some basic logic. What is 30 more minutes of sleep really going to get me? Nothing. It’s not going to make me any more rested or relaxed about the day. And I get an hour nap when I get to work, I can sleep then. (I leave my house at 6a every day so I don’t hit traffic on my 40 miles ride to work. Then I sleep in my car for an hour because I don't clock in until 8am. This is just ONE reason I am job hunting.) I also thought about the people who get up every morning and run because they have a family to take care of. I thought about the actresses who wake up and do their work-out before a 6a call to set.

What nailed it for me was the basic knowledge that I wasn’t going to get the healthy body I crave if I stay in bed. 7 minutes later I was out on the street, music playing and feet moving.

It’s a mile to the ocean from my house. One mile. I can do that. And I did. It was cold (but not as cold as it is in NYC, so I had that to make me feel better). I was tired (but not as tired as the people who work three jobs to put food on the table for their family) and I hurt (but not as much as the people who fight diseases that bring them to tears from the pain.) I knew I was lucky to be out running and I took every step as a good thing.

Running in the morning is the best thing I have done for myself this week. I gets me up and out of bed. It hasn’t done much for my disposition yet, but I feel much better about going home after a crap day and sleeping because I know that I have done my run.

And I get to do it again tomorrow.

And you? What gets you out of bed for the workout you don't always want to do?

The Great White Bikini Weight Loss – Week One

2011-01-10T20:44:00.000-08:00

My goal is to wear this hot white string bikini to the pool in Vegas when I go in July. To do that I must lose approximately 30lbs and at least 10% of my body fat. How do I do that? Work out more, work out smarter and eat less, eat smarter.

I thought long and hard about what diet I wanted to follow for this. I’ve tried Jenny Craig, South Beach, Vegan, Eat Right For Your Type and the Master Cleanse. I looked at all of those again. I don’t like the food on Jenny. I want less dairy than South Beach. Vegan is still on the table. I truly believe in that way of life. And no one in their right mind who loves their body would do the Master Cleanse. I looked into Weight Watchers, but I don’t have $40 a month right now to join. They have a free registration offer until March. If I hit a wall in Feb I will join up. What I finally decided on was the A.B.S. Diet way of thinking which is you eat whole, healthy and filling foods all week (no sugars, candies, sweets, breads, fried foods, ice cream, cake, desserts, high calorie meals) and you get one cheat meal of your choice. I LOVE THIS!

My friend Rovin told me this worked for him when he needed to slim down. But he gave himself a whole day. Said it also worked because by the “Cheat Day” he usually didn’t want what he could have. I started thinking about this and it made a lot of sense. I have two major weak spots in my efforts to lose weight.

Mindless eating at my desk and while I’m on the computer

Eating crap in the car on the way home because I’m hungry NOW

Having one cheat day should help these behavioral issues as well. So here we are on Monday and I am looking at the jar of candy on my desk and I want one. I can taste it. I can feel how sweet it’s going to be. But I tell myself it’s going to taste the same on Sunday and I can have one then. I also know that I am hitting the gym at 5:30 and don’t want to ruin all that good work on one candy.

So I can have it on Sunday.

And soon I will have my little white bikini body.

The Great White Bikini Weight Loss - Introduction

2011-01-09T20:39:00.000-08:00

The Goal

- Lose 30 lbs by July 8 and maintain that weight loss through the rest of the year.

I know my weight loss goals aren’t up there with the hundred pound goals of contestants on Biggest Loser. But they are my goals and it is my journey. I know I am healthy- I run 2 miles as a warm up, I regularly finish marathons and I walk up flights of stairs instead of the elevator. I give thanks every day to my body for being healthy and active and mobile. Working in a hospital, I do not take my mobility or health for granted. But the fact of the matter is that I am overweight for my height and it is time to do something more about it.

I have a picture on my desk of a blonde Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. I regularly pull up pictures of Britney Spears’ performance with the snake. The picture that wallpapers my phone is a scantily clad Black Canary. These are my visual motivations. I know I am not a cheerleader, a pop-star or a comic book character. But I do know that I can get to that weight and I will love it when I do. My mental motivations change daily and are powerful in their ability to get my butt moving and my mouth from eating everything in sight.

I am past “losing weight for my health”. I don’t “need” to slim up. I can work fine as I am. I look fine as I am. I’m not stopping traffic, but I get by. However, I WANT to be a lean, mean, bad-ass and the only way to do that is to cut calories and work out. So that is what this blog is going to be about for the next few months. I will talk about my journey from “you’re not overweight” to “good GRACIOUS you look fine”. I won’t lie, I won’t cheat and I won’t keep anything from you. That way, if you are sitting at your desk or in your home wondering if anyone else looks longingly at the jar of candy you can know you are not alone. (And I am doing it right now.)

So here we go. I will also talk about my job and auditions and family and everything else that comes into play in the world. But ultimately I am focusing on slimming down, trimming up and blowing the minds of the people I meet.

Oh- and keep on the lookout for before pictures- need to take those this weekend! I have a white bikini I bought last year that I swore I would wear. But I was always too embarrassed. Who wears a white STRING bikini? A hot ass lady does! So that's why this journey is called The Great White Bikini Loss.

Here we go!

Happy New Year!

2011-01-03T20:33:00.000-08:00

Welcome to 2011. One of my goals is to write more on my blog. I would like for it to be a place for people to go for advice, questions, laughter and motivation. If I can change someone’s day through this, then I’ll consider my time here worth it.

Every year I create two lists: a set of resolutions and a set of goals. I know there is a difference between the two. Resolutions are something I will do no matter what. They are the year-long, “say to myself every day”, life changes that are also slightly challenging. I like to challenge myself. For 2010 I had four:

Go to the gym 5 times a week

No fast food

Write a letter every week

Watch a movie every week

I did really well for 2010. I stayed away from fast food all year and watched a movie every week. The gym became hard because of the shows I did and work and I simply forgot about letter writing. Here is my list for 2011:

Work out 5 times a week

No fast food AND no soda

Write a letter every week

So far so good on my resolutions. Changing it to read “work out” instead of “go to the gym” allows me to do my morning runs and have them count. The letter writing is going to be part of my Monday routine at work and the no fast food slides easily into no soda. The fast food one is still pretty hard. Especially when I’m driving home and all I want is a burrito because it’s fast and easy. But I know it is better for me and better for the environment to stay far away from both fast food and soda.

Here is my list of goals for 2011:

Down to 140lbs by July 1 and maintain till end of year

Pay off $12K of debt (if not more)

Repay Schwab account for massage school costs

Book a ship or Jubilee

ROCK my grad school auds in Feb and get accepted

Book 4 shows

Quit my job and find one that makes me happy

Edit my movie reel for submissions

Run 6 marathons

Get new headshots

Straight A’s in my spring SMC classes and wherever I go in the summer and fall

Write my lounge act

Organize and maintain my home desk

Write, finish and option 3 scripts

Get a pet (dog or cat)

Book 5 films (shorts, student, full length)

Buy a good car

Don’t get farther into debt

As you can see, my goal list is MUCH longer and harder to accomplish than my resolutions. Goals are the high points we reach for during the year. Some of the goals above are out of my control. But what IS in my control is my ability to be present at everything I do and do it to the best of my ability at that moment.

Just like this blog- the best of my ability at this moment. Go make your list. I know a lot of people don’t do resolutions, and I totally understand. But don’t let the year go by without having goals. One of the coolest things about marking the end of the year is being able to go back and see how many things you accomplished and how you spent your year. Don’t be someone who lets time go by without marking your successes.

Happy New Year and welcome to a better you in 2011!!

Santa Palooza Day 5 – How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

2010-12-05T13:11:00.000-08:00

I always liked the cartoon version of this movie. The adnimation is hand drawn and rough. The characters are easy to love (except the Grinch at the beginning, of course) and the colors are soft. I liked to think about the people who got to draw the characters every day and make the cartoon. It seemed like a work of love and true caring about the story.

Growing up, this movie would come on at a random time one night during December and my family would stop everything and watch it. It was a short movie, filled with plenty of commercials so we could fill up out hot chocolate and cookies. On a few rare occasions it would come on while we were decorating the house, or shortly after. On those nights we considered ourselves double lucky. We never planned on watching it, but every year we were able to catch it. I love the basic story of how deep down, all people are actually good. Even Grinches.
When they came out with the live action version in 2000 I was really excited. I like Ron Howard a lot and am a Jim Carrey fan. The previews were fun and I loved the vivid colors of Whoville. The supporting characters are fun and are each given a little time in the spot light. It was fun to watch for the first time and try to decipher who was each Who! I like how The Grinch has a back story and full emotions. We get to see how he became who he is, and can see how we are all one bad holiday away from throwing in the towel.

When you watch this movie, you are already forced into Dr. Seuss’ imaginary and exciting world so you have to be ready for everything it throws at you. Be ready for the prat falls and the over the top comedy of Carrey. Be ready for the heart tugging puppy-dog eyes of Cindy Lou. Be ready for the tear drop that will inevitably fall when the snow comes down and you suddenly realize that sometimes you’re a Grinch too. And maybe you need to rethink how you look at the holiday and the people you share it with. We all want to be a Who- true, good, honest and pure of heart. This movie always makes me cringe at the mean-hearted-ness of The Grinch and vow to treat people with more patience and care.

I hope you enjoy this movie! Faith Hill sings one of the classics of the 21st Century holiday seasons. This movie is worth the time.

Enjoy and Happy Holidays!

Santa Palooza Day 4 – Miracle on 34th Street

2010-12-04T10:21:00.000-08:00

1947, 95 minutes
This holiday classic came into my radar years ago simply because of its name. Everyone knows the story of the Macy’s Santa who really is Chris Kringle. I vaguely remember my mother talking about this movie as one she loves. Being a black and white, I assumed she liked it. After all, she’s the person who introduced me to “It’s a Wonderful Life” which we’ll watch later this month. Then when I lived in New York I came to love the movie even more. Especially when I went to see the large balloons on Thanksgiving and walked the route the annual parade takes. I felt even more connected to the single mother in the movie who wants her child to grow up without the heartache she lived through.

But the magic of this movie is that Santa works through all our heartbreak. (Okay, before that is the brilliance that is Edmund Gwenn. His delivery of the script is spot on. His Santa isn’t cartoonish or overly jolly. He’s relatable and loveable and so smart. He should have a Santa advice book.) Santa is there to hug you and comfort you and keep the magic of the season alive. Of course it sounds crazy, especially in a world where people can forget magic so easily. Santa has a hard job and we don’t make it any easier.

I think that’s why I did Christmas so full out this year. I want to believe. I DO believe in the magic of Christmas. I believe this is the time of year people can change and grow and learn. I believe in the power of family and love and friendship. I believe in the excitement of opening presents and of giving the perfect gift. I believe in the commercializing and the over buying and the simplifying. This movie helps with all of that.

Because who doesn’t want a Santa Claus in their life that looks to the good of the people, not just the good of himself.

Enjoy and happy holidays!

Santa Palooza Day 3 – Love Actually

2010-12-03T08:25:00.000-08:00

– Rated PG-13, 135 minutes Some sexual situations and bad words

I was aware of this movie when it came out, but for some reason I didn’t rush out to see it. Years went by and it became a staple for people. And yet, I had no interest. I think the trailer pushed me away. I just didn’t like the feel of it. Maybe I felt it was too busy or something along those lines. Two years ago I was talking to one of my best friends and he mentioned that it was his favorite movie. Well that sold it for me. We sat down and watched it and it has been a holiday staple ever since. I love that it is set in England and I can pretend to be part of an international love story. It doesn’t hurt that the people are beautiful and the colors literally pop off the screen.

This movie reminds me of the person I love and would not live without. He LOVES this movie and through that love I have come to love it as well. This movie reminds me of us sitting, holding each other, and watching it, knowing that we are lucky enough to have this moment and each other.

But more than just my love, it’s a love story for every relationship I’ve ever been in. And every relationship I will be in. Because relationships come and they go. And we would be ignorant to think our lives are not marked with the passage of time and with it the change time brings. There is a piece of me in every story in this movie. Just like there is a piece of everyone. We have all loved. We have all lost. We have all been at the end of our rope, ready to throw in the towel of relationships and just live with our pizza and beer. But we get through it and we remember that there is love at the end of every tunnel. And the pain and effort is always worth it.

It’s not everyone’s plan to get married and have babies. Many of us enjoy our single life and thrive in only dealing with our personal schedules. But no one can live without love. No one can live without touch and passion and caring and excitement and the knowledge that there is someone out there who cares whether you live or die, whether you call or not, and whether you’ll be home for dinner or not.

Love is easy. Love is difficult. But more than anything, love is vital. I hope everyone out there has someone to love this holiday season. Not necessarily a romantic love. The love of a baby, a sibling, a friend or even a four footed companion is all we need to get through the cold lonely nights of winter.

Happy Holidays!

Santa-Pallooza Day 2- The Holiday

2010-12-02T16:44:00.001-08:00

Santa-Pallooza Day 2 – The Holiday (2006, PG-13, 138 min) Adult situations, bad language and adult themes. There isn’t nudity or death, but it is an adult movie.

Last night I watched “Elf” and laughed and laughed. It is such a comforting movie and a great way to start out the season. It throws Christmas at you! I love the colors and the humor and the story of turning someone from the Naughty List to the Nice List. The biggest thing I take away from that movie, however, is how friendly and honestly good Buddy is. He truly loves everyone and cannot find fault in anyone’s actions. Even when his dad snaps at him, pushes him away and sends him to the mail room, Buddy sees the good and continues on with his unfailing happiness. His reaction to things always make me pause we realize that sometimes all a situation needs is a smile and a hug. Nothing is that important. And nothing is too important to take the time to smile and hug.

Tonight I (and maybe you too) will watch The Holiday with Kate Winslet, Jack Black, Jude Law and Cameron Diaz. This movie is set during the holidays and tells the story of two women troubled with guy-problems. They swap homes in each other's countries, where they each meet a local guy and fall in love. It follows them as they get over their ex and move on to a better match. It’s no secret what happens and who ends up with whom. But the interaction with all the characters and their heartfelt desire to just have a holiday filled with love is a great story for the season. I don’t really like Cameron in this movie, but she has great scenes with Jude so it’s worth it. You could literally melt in his eyes in this movie. He is charming and quietly perfect. Kate is amazing with her ability to break your heart subtly and yet remain strong. And Jack charms you with his humor and kind heart. You start to believe there are actually good guys in Los Angeles. There is something in each of these characters that people can relate with and ultimately strive towards.

I watch this movie every year because it reminds me to believe in true love and finding the right person for you at that moment, then trusting it’s the right person for you forever. I love the layout and pure gorgeousness of the LA house (I want it!) and the scenic beauty that is the small English village where Cameron ends up. For a few hours I get to leave my cramped apartment with no snow and live in a world where happy coincidences lead to an obtain-ably magical Christmas.

Enjoy and Happy Holidays!

Santa-Pallooza Day 1- ELF

2010-12-01T19:10:00.000-08:00

Santa-Pallooza 2010 Begins!!

Christmas time makes me an even more avid movie watcher. I watch probably 5 movies a week during a normal week in my life. Some in the theaters. Some on my portable DVD. Some through the brilliance of Netflix Instant Watch. I love the world movies create. December brings a new love of movies to my life. I love holiday movies and every year there are more and more to add to the list. It is hard to keep it at only 25!

I watch a holiday movie daily to get me in the holiday spirit and wrap my head around the craziness that is December. I started this tradition a few years ago and I LOVE IT! This year I decided to add in my facebook friends and my blog to make it a little more interactive and get everyone involved who wants to be. I’ll post them five at a time so you have time to get them from Netflix or the movie rental place. (See- THIS is why Blockbuster can’t go out of business!) Each day I will write about what the movie means to me and why I chose it. I’ll post things to look out for and how long the movie is, as well as what age group it’s appropriate for. Kind of like a Christmas movie guide….filled with my opinions.

I hope you enjoy it. Here are the first five movies:

- Elf (12/1)

- The Holiday (12/2)

- Love Actually (12/3)

- Miracle on 34^th Street (12/4)

- How the Grinch Stole Christmas (200 and/or 1966) (12/5)

So join me if you can. Truthfully, I hope I am able to keep up with it. I know I can, so here is the test. And it’s good practice because my goal for 2011 is to take on a big project and make it happen. More on that later.

Elf- Wednesday December 1 Santa-Pallooza Movie #1

(95 minutes, rated PG) No bad words, no sex, no scary, no villans, no violence. The PG is for the adult humor.

Tonight I am cleaning my house and getting it ready for my Christmas tree, which I’ll get on Sunday. I have to move boxes and make a space for it. In fact, I might just put the tree ON boxes since it will only be about three feet high. But I have some amazing ornaments that I want to get some tree time this year. So a tree it is. Plus I want the smell of a fresh tree. And the glow of the tree lights as I fall asleep every night. I am embracing Christmas this year, and a tree is the best way to do it. Having “Elf” on in the background as I do it is going to be the icing on the gingerbread.

I saw Elf for the first time when I was working on Main Street in Disneyland in 2004. It had come out the previous year so John brought in the DVD backstage for us to watch during our breaks. It was perfect! We sang in octets on Main Street so the green room was filled with carolers laughing at the craziness of Buddy the Elf. Soon, since we watched it every day for weeks, we were able to quote him and no place was safe from Elf nonsense. Since then the movie is a Christmas staple in my life. John (my tenor for over three years with the same sense of humor as me) and I would pull random quotes out of the air during the season and we wouldn’t even have to look at each other to know where the conversation was going. It is a uniting movie, and even the most skeptics of movie watchers eventually succumb to the brilliance of Buddy’s humor. “Ooh what’s a skeptic? I want one!” I’m sure having the TV run it every day has played a big part in wearing down people’s resistance.

Enjoy and Happy Holidays!! See you tomorrow!

Birthdays Should Be A Week Long!

2010-11-22T13:23:00.000-08:00

Some people can argue that my birthday started with my trip to Greece. It was two weeks off work, an international vacation and totally selfish use of time and money. But in reality, that trip was a celebration of years of hard work and running miles put in. It was a gift to myself for the hours I don’t like my job or my path in life. A year of paying off bit by bit so I could go to Greece with money in my pocket and no trip debt. And I’ll admit that on more than one occasion I treated myself to a little something extra by saying “It’s my birthday so I’m going to….” But in reality, my birthday has been the past week and I can honestly say I haven’t felt this loved in a really long time.
This year I have been given the gift of a week of celebration and by the end of this week I will have seen everyone I can fit into a schedule. Its started Thursday night when I was treated to a movie night with my movie buddy, Eric. We went to the midnight showing of Harry Potter 7.1 and I LOVED IT!! Totally worth only getting 3 hours of sleep the next night. They Friday was our dress rehearsal for Family and Friends. Every year my caroling group does a concert, and it always falls on the weekend of my birthday. So a few years ago we started doing “Amie-Palooza” and making an event out of it. I know people won’t usually come out and play unless there is a reason. So I gave them one. And I have been right every year. Friday we went to Hero’s, a bar in Fullerton. We ate nachos and drank beer and laughed and had a really good time. It’s a different group every year and I love getting to hang out with everyone.
Saturday we had our first caroling gig and then I got to go see Eric perform his firs Jedi Elvis concert. It was so awesome to go support a friend in his dream. And he was really good. Don’t be surprised when Jedi Elvis is on iTunes and booking Las Vegas. This is going to go somewhere! Then Saturday night was the concert and I got to hang out with all my caroling people. It was so good. I love this group so much. The concert was awesome and the two new songs we did rocked the house and made them laugh. It was a good thing. Then we headed over to El Torito for some Mexican food and margaritas. Both were good, but the company was better. It was a large group of us and as I sat there and looked around at all these people I share my life with, I felt very blessed.
Sunday I did a benefit for Fullerton Civic Light Opera and got to spend a part of my birthday weekend with some new people. The event went very well, took lots of pictures and I got to be a showgirl for my birthday. It was so much fun. Then us girls went to BJs for Bloody Marys and I got to make new firneds and felt my heart get a little more full. Theatre people fall into two categories when you really break it down. People you get along with and people you don’t. When you don’t get along with someone, you smile and nod and trust that soon the show will end and you won’t have to see them again for a while. When you get along with someone you don’t want the show to end. Talking is effortless and the time goes by too fast. You can’t wait to book the next show because you know you might see them again. That is how I felt with the girls last night. Time flew too fast and soon I was heading home, wishing them well and looking forward to our next birthday night out.
Then I woke up this morning and I was 32. I started getting the facebook wishes right at midnight, and even a few texts from my friends who were still awake. The amount of love I feel from facebook today is overwhelming and has made me cry several times. There is something powerful about people coming out of the woodwork to wish you well. I know it only takes 5 seconds to post on facebook, but they did it. And for that fraction of time I was sharing my day with them, and they were sharing theirs with me. It is power. The best part is that the celebration isn’t over. Tonight is dinner with my best friend and rehearsal where I get to make pretty music with people I love. Tomorrow I get to sing at Knott’s and then have BJ shots at Claim Jumper. Then heading to see Burlesque with some Follies girls- more people I love. And on Wednesday I go home and see my family. Then Thanksgiving on Thursday. So from literally the start of Friday to the end of Thursday I will have seen more people who mean the world to me than anyone should be lucky enough to have.
And because I am so happy and so in love with this week, I petition for everyone to take a full week for their birthday when they can. Spread the love, share the love and feel the love. Truly appreciate the people who love you and care about you. I often think that no one would care if I was gone. I have wasted time thinking that I don’t make a difference to people and am wasting my life. I could not be more wrong. People do care and people do know and I do make a difference. It’s nice that we get a week to be able to feel that and share that feeling with other people.
Thank you for making my birthday week so wonderfully amazing.