Always a New Christmas Tradition

The last day of school, my friend Katie at BSA asked us all what our Christmas traditions were. She's 24 and this was the first time she had been away from home so close to the holidays. I mentioned a few things that my family did when I was growing up, but it was hard to find something in the past few years that I did every year. I was almost bothered by it until I realized that my tradition is to find new traditions.

This year I am home for Christmas. This hasn't happened in five years. I am usually out caroling and drive home the day afte Christmas for a few days of celebration. I miss my caroling traditions (the gigs we always do, the pizza party we have, the dinners and the Knott's Christmas) and I miss my friends. I miss the man that I love terribly and I miss spending the holidays with him. We have our own traditions and the season is a little off because I don't have him around me every day. But the gift of time with my family helps to make up for all of that. And I am comforted knowing that this is the last year I sleep without him on Christmas Eve.

Because I am home for the first time in years, and my mother is living in a new house, this is a new year of traditions for my family too. There is no longer a "but we always" for anything. The holiday season is our oyster. We always make fudge, we always, make cookies, we always wear silly sweatshirts, we always wrap the night before Christmas, we always eat too much, we always ask mom if what we're wearing to Christmas dinner is okay.....those are all there. But this year we continue to embrace the new and the changes and the surprises.

Next year, as I blend my family with my bf's kids and their traditions, I know my holiday season will change again. I'm okay with that. We will shift celebration days, share meals with new family members and learn how to juggle time with all the different sides of the family. We might even have everyone over to London and spend the season there!

There might not be any more "but we always" but there will forever be lots of "sure, why nots".

Happy Christmas!!

Santa Palooza Day 3 – Love Actually

– Rated PG-13, 135 minutes Some sexual situations and bad words

I was aware of this movie when it came out, but for some reason I didn’t rush out to see it. Years went by and it became a staple for people. And yet, I had no interest. I think the trailer pushed me away. I just didn’t like the feel of it. Maybe I felt it was too busy or something along those lines. Two years ago I was talking to one of my best friends and he mentioned that it was his favorite movie. Well that sold it for me. We sat down and watched it and it has been a holiday staple ever since. I love that it is set in England and I can pretend to be part of an international love story. It doesn’t hurt that the people are beautiful and the colors literally pop off the screen.

This movie reminds me of the person I love and would not live without. He LOVES this movie and through that love I have come to love it as well. This movie reminds me of us sitting, holding each other, and watching it, knowing that we are lucky enough to have this moment and each other.

But more than just my love, it’s a love story for every relationship I’ve ever been in. And every relationship I will be in. Because relationships come and they go. And we would be ignorant to think our lives are not marked with the passage of time and with it the change time brings. There is a piece of me in every story in this movie. Just like there is a piece of everyone. We have all loved. We have all lost. We have all been at the end of our rope, ready to throw in the towel of relationships and just live with our pizza and beer. But we get through it and we remember that there is love at the end of every tunnel. And the pain and effort is always worth it.

It’s not everyone’s plan to get married and have babies. Many of us enjoy our single life and thrive in only dealing with our personal schedules. But no one can live without love. No one can live without touch and passion and caring and excitement and the knowledge that there is someone out there who cares whether you live or die, whether you call or not, and whether you’ll be home for dinner or not.

Love is easy. Love is difficult. But more than anything, love is vital. I hope everyone out there has someone to love this holiday season. Not necessarily a romantic love. The love of a baby, a sibling, a friend or even a four footed companion is all we need to get through the cold lonely nights of winter.

Happy Holidays!

Happy December.......I think

I guess it’s December. That's what the calendar says at least. No one warned me about this. When my birthday came I was thrown. I thought at first it was because I had turned 30 and that’s a pretty big day. But then as it got closer I realized that I wasn’t ready for it at all. I felt like my birthday suddenly was in the spring and that just isn’t right. Then I thought about something my sister said. She said to her it was still April because May is when the world turned upside down. I thought about it and have come to the decision that I am living in the same delusion.

It can’t possibly be December. It’s not even May yet. I sing Christmas carols for a living right now and I love it. But I am not in the Christmas spirit. I am thrown by the holiday decorations. Can’t seem to really internalize anything that is going on around me. I am doing everything by rote. Someone tells me where to be and when so I go there. Someone tells me to sing a song so I sing it. Smile and bring holiday cheer. Show up for work and have a good time. But when I look at a calendar and see December on the top, I don’t believe it. Christmas is in 20 days. I couldn’t care less. Christmas doesn’t mean anything to me right now. No cards have been sent. No presents purchased. My apt isn't decorated. I am just tagging along with everyone else's holiday.

And I know this is “normal”. I know this is the year that the holidays don’t register and nothing is going to feel right. Logically I get it. But I am still thrown by it. Everything is harder. And everything hits me harder. And things take longer to process. It is just a very strange time to be alive in this world of mine.