Spring Dreaming - Question 5

Question 5 - What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

1- ......thinking......

2- My pupster, Molly, makes me happy. She frustrates me with her need for petting, and her constant licking and her inability to just chill sometimes. But it is such a delight to have a smiling dog greet me at the front door when I get home. It is a treat to watch her bounce up and down when she realizes we are going out. It's like she has springs for paws! And it is so very very very nice to not be alone in the moments when you feel totally alone. Everything they say about owning a dog is true. It's a treat.

3- The promise of tomorrow makes me happy. I have calmed myself down about where I live and the fact that I have to work these two jobs to make and save some money. I have calmed down about taking a year to regroup and refocus and do what I need to do. I think the fact that I am finding peace in that makes it easier and more exciting to look to tomorrow. I am not scared of tomorrow or anxious or anything like that. I am ready for tomorrow. I'm excited about it. And I am happy there is going to be a tomorrow and it is going to be better.

4- My family makes me happy. I love sending them texts and calling them. I love that my mom sends me pictures of her puppy at the horse shows and Emily as she gets ready for prom. I love that I can talk with Cristin about anything and, even if we argue, we are totally good and will work through it. I love that I drink scotch with my Uncle Tim. I love that everyone in my family truly loves each other, even if they can't currently be in the same room with them.

5- Pintrest makes me happy. Damn that website!! I still get awful panic attacks and feelings of inadequacy. But the Geek boards and the Humor boards make the quiet days at work totally bearable. I get a good laugh every time I get on that site and it makes me very happy.

See you tomorrow!!

Mirror Mirror

When I bought my now ancient iPhone 3G in 2009 I had the option to buy a screen cover that was a mirror. My immediate thought was, "who would need that?" I don't carry a mirror around with me and it didn't even occur to me that at some point during the day I might want to check my reflection. I chose to get the basic screen cover. Since then I have thought about that choice more often then I thought I would. There have been moments I needed a mirror and I flash to standing in the AT&T store and mentally slap myself for not upgrading to the mirror option. But just because I don't hold a mirror to myself doesn't keep other people from doing it for me.

Mirrors are vital to bettering ourselves. We can do reps for hours but until we look in the mirror and see how we may be adjusting a different muscle group to make the rep easier, we won't know we're doing it. We can blindly, and happily, walk around the city all day, but without the reflection in the shop window showing us we actually have bed hair and mismatched socks we will continue to think we look amazing. Our habits, our daily life, is just our perception until we get that mirror held up to us. Sometimes by force.

Recently I was made aware of my habit to punish an innocent party because of someone else's treatment of me. He pretty much said, "I can't spend my life apologizing for what he did to you."

Talk about a lightbulb moment.

I don't really have a lot to say about that except that he's right and I was taken aback by how succinctly and with razor-sharp accuracy he called me out. I have thought about that sentence a lot in the past week. (And he'll tell you, I might not have remembered it correctly but the gist is there.) I don't want to force my future boyfriends/fiancées/husbands make up for how poorly I was treated for the better part of 6 years. I don't want to spend my life trying to figure out where I went wrong and how is it different this time. I don't want to compare. I don't want to assume. I don't want to do what I've been doing because it hasn't worked so far.

So, for those of you who follow this blog and know I work on myself every day, I have vowed to hold up more mirrors to myself. I will probably still leave the house with bed-head and mismatched socks. But I will not ask someone who wasn't there, who cares for me for who I am now, to fix what someone else heartlessly broke. And I won't spend my life trying to make it "different this time" so it's better. It's already better.

More mirrors, less heartache. Who's in?

Every Day a Little Pain

While I was sitting in the salon this afternoon getting my hair done, I started thinking about how my hairdressers’ arms must get tired. She stands all day, using her arms above the midline of her body. That thought made me think about how in time she probably gets used to it and the muscles she needs to do her job just get stronger. It’s our brilliant body adapting and morphing into what the world asks it to do. When we work out our muscles tear a little then repair stronger than they were. 

I started thinking, maybe it’s the same thing with relationships. Each time they end our heart breaks down a little more, establishing the need to rebuild (along with the pain that brings). This pain makes us stronger and ready to face the next thing the world will ask us to do.

The heart is about the size of your fist and one of the strongest muscles in the body. Its job is to pump every blood cell through every vein to every organ, delivering fresh oxygen and carrying away garbage. Our hearts are amazing. And while I know they are not directly related to the emotion of love, our oxytocin “cuddle” hormone takes care of that, our heart is where we feel the ache of losing someone we love. (And thank you cortisol for your part in that aching feeling.)

This idea of pain has been with me all day. I woke up this morning and my chest felt heavy, like there wasn’t enough room in it. The thought occurred to me, “of course there isn’t enough room. He gave your heart back to you. It has grown so big in his love it no longer fits in your chest.” Hence the pain of fitting this new heart, which has known a love so great I can’t stand to think about losing it, into my life again. Along with that comes the aching pain.

Pain helps us grow. I know that. The pain of heartache helps us be ready for the next time. It allows us to remember what good love felt like and to be ready for it when it comes again. Pain weakens us for a time, makes us cry, grieve, lie silently looking at the wall for hours and takes away our appetite. Pain drives us to have that extra pint in a vain effort to take the pain away. Pain tears little parts of us into pieces, leaving us to wonder if we will ever be whole again.

But pain isn’t forever. Our body adapts to pain and finds a different way of doing something so we don’t hurt ourselves. Our body, including our heart, doesn’t like to work harder than it needs to, so it will find an easier way to do what needs to get done. And loving someone needs to get done. I will not live in a loveless life. So while for now I sit with the pain, I will also acknowledge it. I will flash onto the good memories of him and smile because they happened. I will also flash onto the ideas I had of a good future and cry because they won’t. But through this all, the little tears everyday, I will grow stronger. 

And just like my hour of pain at the gym every morning, this pain will be worth it.

Dating tips from the front lines – Part 2

I’m heading into another week on this ride known as life, and I have more to share about dating and boys. Last week proved to be a week of growing pains and I have no interest in any other singleton out there going through the same pain. I survived and you can too. Here we go:

- Blogging is not always a good way to get a guy on your side. My blog is funny and honest and walks the line of appropriate. However, if the guy you just made an example of gets his feelings hurt, maybe it’s too far. Or is it? After writing about my chance meeting last week the boy wrote me a letter explaining his side of things. He had read my blog and told me he didn’t realize how much I had been hurt by him not calling. It was obvious he was really upset and I have to admit I took a little comfort in that. He hurt me (a little) and I was glad he got to see my side of things. So lesson learned - write what you want to write, but be ready for the fall out. Be damn sure you are standing strong on your side of the story.

- Sending provocative pictures to someone you have never slept with is never a good idea. NEVER. Once you have a picture of them feel free to send and send and send. But you have to have something in your back pocket for when they feel jilted. You don’t want to be the only one without collateral.

- Women- STOP PAYING FOR YOUR MEALS!! If you are on a date, and it is called a date, DON’T PAY! It sounds sexist, 1950’s, and goes against everything we’ve been taught about independence and self reliance. But trust me. If you want to see this man again, if you want to actually date him, do not pay. No one ever got laid by going dutch.

- For women- Do NOT call him. Do NOT text him. Do NOT Facebook him. Do NOT tweet him. Leave him the hell alone. He knows how to get ahold of you, I promise. He knows where you are. And he will find you. If he doesn’t then he doesn’t want to. And who wants someone who doesn’t want them?

- For men- Do NOT call/text/tweet/post or anything to a girl you think is on the fence. All we see is communication. We don’t make the distinction between “friend I’m saying hi to” and “woman I want to sleep with”. Until the lines are clearly drawn, leave us alone please. We have other men out there who aren’t being vague and we need to leave the lines open for them.

- Sometimes men want meaningful conversations. The good boys want to connect with you. I know, it’s crazy. I was taught that you sleep with them first and THEN wrangle them into hour-long discussions about life. Apparently that is not the case with all men. Just be warned ladies. You might have to actually talk to them.

- Gay isn’t always gay. Straight isn’t always straight. Sometimes they are walking the fine line of undecided. All you need to decide is if it’s worth walking with them.

I hope this helps. I am certain there will be more. This summer is proving to be a learning experience in more ways than I ever thought possible. And I’m not even in grad school yet.

Happy hunting!

The Answer Waiting Room

I like instant gratification. I thrive on it. I like quickies and Netflix instant watch and pre-sliced veggies. I like things given to me when I want them, not on someone else’s time table. I like knowing the ending of a book before I open it, knowing if the guy gets the girl before I sit down to a movie and whether I’ll like what I ordered for dinner. Not to say I don’t like to try new things. I do. I love it. These new things are just usually at hand and ready, not something I need to wait for. This lifestyle works because I lived alone, am single, work alone and usually can make my own schedule. This need for instant pay off, the desire to have the answer yesterday, is something I nurture and despise at the same time.

The only time I do not mind waiting is when I’m sitting in a waiting room. I can patiently sit in a doctor’s office, at the post office, at the DMV, at an interview or a movie theater without expecting an answer. I even have patience if I wait and wait and then find out the meeting has been cancelled. I can’t control this change, so I just reschedule for a different time. It’s not a big deal. Made me think there should be a room in life where we go to wait, and the people we’re waiting to hear an answer from can meet us there and give it.

They would be called Answer Waiting Rooms and it would be wonderful.

The friend who stopped calling, stopped caring and just generally stopped being a friend to me would meet me there to give a reason. They would answer my questions. If they don’t show up? I get to move on. Because there’s a magic curtain I walk through as I’m leaving that makes it all okay. Makes me forget I wanted an answer at all.

The guy I’m waiting for knows that he has a certain amount of time to find me before the meeting is cancelled and I move on. And since I know that I can’t control whether he comes to the waiting room or not, if he misses the deadline I am free to move on. Walk through the curtain. No wondering “what if.” No imagining scenarios years in the future without anything to base the daydream on. If I’m ready for an answer and he’s not there to give it, I leave the waiting room and move on. What if it’s bad news? What if the guy I’ve been pining for walks into the room and says “no”? Well thank the gods! I have an answer! No more wondering. No more changing my life in expectation of something that isn’t going to come. No more “what if.” It would be glorious. Freedom to move on.

It would work in reverse too. I would get the chance to give answers. A letter comes to me, or a text, telling me to meet someone in their Answer Waiting Room. Telling me they need an answer from me and I have the choice to go or not. I would always go, because the frustration and the pain of not knowing is infinitely harder than dealing with the fall out of the truth. I would always go and would always be honest.

When my ex broke up with me I demanded he say the words. I knew it was over. I knew we were done and there was no going back. But I needed to hear it. I needed to hear the words come from his mouth that this was finished and there was no hope. I knew that if I didn’t hear those words from him in person I would spend too much time imagining a world where “This isn't going to work so I'm breaking up with you” means something else and there was still a chance. I knew that if I didn’t force him to do something painful I would waste more of my life in pain. It was exactly what I needed. I walked away from him with those words in my ears and my heart. I have replayed them in my head, reminding myself that the pain is real and the relationship is over. It was the loudest thought for weeks.

The Answer Waiting room is the safe place for life to happen. It’s filled with answers and conversations and reasons why, eliminating doubt and fear and frustration. “Do you like me as more than a friend?” “Why won’t you leave me alone?” “Why didn’t you call me?” “Do you see us going anywhere?” “Why wasn’t I enough for you?” It gives us all a jumping off point and allows us the freedom to move on and stop waiting.

Then one day we realize we don't need the AWR anymore. That we are enough, without knowing why. On that day we redecorate the room and use it as a home theater, invite our family and friends over and try take-away from the new Chinese place on the corner.

The Habit of Being Busy

Singletons are told we need to “keep busy”. Don’t sit and think about past relationships. Don’t wallow in your heart break, no matter how long ago they left. Don’t stay home, curled up in bed, just sitting around waiting for Mr./Ms. Right to come along. You have to get out into the world. Find a new hobby. Do some volunteering. Meet new people who share your interests.

Well I’ve done all that, made it a habit to try new things and say yes, and now I have an entirely different problem on my hands.

My week is packed down to the second. Other than when I sit my ass in this chair at work and look busy, I am active and putting too much into the hours Father Time gives me. These are all things that need to be done and things I enjoy doing. But they are causing me to miss out on life a little bit. People I haven’t seen in a while will inevitably ask me if I’m dating anyone. The ones who know me well always follow up their own question with “What am I saying? It’s you. You’re too busy to date.” I smile and agree and continue to use that as my excuse for the rest of the conversation. I’m too busy to date. I don’t have time for a boyfriend. Anyone I find will have to fit into my schedule because I certainly don’t have an extra second for him.

How is that healthy? What kind of man wants to walk into a packed calendar where I may or may not have time for him? That’s not what anyone wants. And if the shoe was on the other foot? Any man I meet better start clearing his schedule to spend time with me because I’m well worth it. But wait a minute…..aren’t they? Aren’t these future men I meet worth me making time for them? Aren’t they worth me looking at my life and deciding what can get pared down and what needs to stay? Maybe I’m using my busy schedule as one more wall to put up against commitment, true love and the possibility of being happy.

When is it “too busy” and when is it hiding?

This is the double edged sword of modern dating life. Fill your time so you look busy and interesting, but be ready for love and welcome it with the time and energy needed to allow it to flourish and grow. I am a single woman in my 30’s so by default I have my own bills, my own apartment, my own career and my own friends. I have several hobbies I have invested time and love into. I have dreams that I have spent over a decade nurturing. A man who walks into the world I’ve created is going to have to be strong and sure of himself because he’s up against a lot. In the same breath, if I had none of these things going on I wouldn’t be someone the man for me would even be interested in. I’ve created a dating catch-22.

All this and I dislike being home. It is not a comfort to me. It is not a refuge, it’s not calm, it’s not a haven. My home right now is somewhere I sleep between adventures. It’s where all my things are when they’re not in my car. I feel like that’s a turn off for men. Men in relationships usually like to be home and watch TV and share time with their woman. Will I adapt when the right man snags me? Will I see my house as a wonderful place because I’ll have someone to share it with? (Probably. Because even as I wrote that sentence a smile crossed over my face, thinking about long Sunday afternoons with my (future) bf, just existing together.)

So where do myself and other single people go from here? What is the right path? Do I stay busy, filling my time with what I love and the people I love, trusting that when the time comes I'll recognize the signs and stop for love? Or do I start slowing down a bit now and allow room for love? Maybe it’s another chicken and egg question. One that I’ll only know the answer to once I’m sitting on my couch, wrapped in my loves arms, making happiness my new favorite.

Playing Cards With The Timing Gods

A good comedienne knows the power of good timing. The perfect pause, the well placed eye roll, the deadpan comeback that throws the waiter off their daily specials monologue. There’s an art to making people laugh and a lot of it has to do with timing. In life, however, most timing is completely out of our control and even the best comic can get thrown.

When my sister was pregnant with nephew #1 I was living in NYC with the man I thought I was going to marry. He obviously didn’t understand that and left me with our studio apartment and the new cat. I was lost, heartbroken and seriously pissed at the world. Then I realized that without boyfriend baggage I was free to live wherever I wanted, including going home and taking care of my sister and the baby. Score- Amie: 1 Timing: 0

When my dad got sick I had just started working at Disney Studios. I hated the job. I loved the company, but hated the job. I wanted a way out but I knew that I had to stick it out, make money and at least enjoy the perks of the job. Timing Gods had given me a stable position to make and save money but all I saw was the opportunity to go home and take care of my father. Score- Amie: 2 Timing: 0

When I needed to quit my job because I was going to kill myself if I didn’t, I quit without anything lined up, without any savings in the bank and without a plan. I just quit. No work came for over a month. I started to panic a little and dipped into money I probably shouldn’t have touched. But I was happy. I loved not working at a desk. I loved being the person who loved all of her life, not hating any of it. The timing was horrible for me to quit, especially when you factor in an unemployment rate of 12% here in California. But it was the best decision I have made in a really long time. Amie: 3 Timing: 0

I seem to do pretty well with my timing in career and with family. I drop everything for these two things. Good jobs have come because I simply was in the right place at the right time. Good parts have been given to me because I had put my time in and the opportunity came when I was ready for them. The Timing Gods, while not always at my pace, have worked well for me when it comes to people I meet and my career.

I also applaud their often witty sense of humor, displayed perfectly the week I bought my new car and three days later got into grad school in England.

In relationships, however, I might have pissed off the Gods of Time. Bad timing is so often a reason people don’t work out, and I have been on the receiving end of a wide range of timing-blamed excuses.

“It’s just not the right time for us.”
“I see us together, in our 60’s. You don’t mind waiting, right?”
“If I had met you three months/days/weeks ago this might have worked.”
“If only I had met you before I met my wife/girlfriend.”
“It’s a really busy time in my life and I can’t date anyone right now.”
“I really like you, but my gf gets home soon and I owe it to us to try and make that work.”
“I wish I was 10 years older.”

I have had my share of relationships ending, or not even beginning, because of bad timing. And as I become more and more single every day, it causes me to think that maybe the various hourglasses in my life are actually working together.

If Chris hadn’t left me I wouldn’t have gone home and spent those first three months with my nephew, establishing a bond stronger than I could have wished for. Heartbroken Amie: 0 Timing: 1

If ________________ (insert name of various boys I tried to date and they gave me variations of “no thank you, it’s not the right time for me”) hadn’t said that and ultimately left me alone with my tears and frustration, I wouldn’t have been able to stand in front of the last man to leave and say “I understand and I’m okay with it” and move on. Heartbroken Amie: 0 Timing: 2

If I wasn’t currently (still) single I wouldn’t have the absolute freedom to head to England, fully ready and open for whatever comes. Heartbroken Amie: 0 Timing: 3

So it seems we’re at a tie, the Timing Gods and I. Maybe that’s why I feel anxious. Maybe that’s why I feel unsettled. It’s a time-out while both teams wait for the next move to see where to play their hand. I’m okay with a tie, considering the cards I’m playing next have me heading off on an adventure with no known finish line.

And since I’ll be 8 hours ahead of my life here in LA, I’ll have a head start.

We All Need Subcategories - Even on Facebook

Facebook has changed the way people interact, bringing it to a level I don’t believe even Mark Zuckerberg could have imagined from his Harvard dorm room. And don’t kid yourself. For as much as we want to network and find jobs through our FB friends, we all use Facebook to flirt, check-up on exes, send secret love messages and find the dirt on our current crushes.

With all of the advancement in the world of social network stalking, one would think the landscape was full. However, as I get even more fully immersed in the facebook world, I have found a huge gap in interpersonal relations on the social website: Relationship Status.

Over time Facbook has expanded its relationship options. They offer Single, In A Relationship, Engaged, Married, It’s Complicated, In an Open Relationship, Widowed, Separated, Divorced, (and most recently) In a Civil Union, and In a Domestic Partnership. I believe they have most options covered. There is a difference between Separated and Divorced. There is a difference between In a Relationship and In an Open Relationship. And there is a difference between a Civil Union and Domestic Partnership. One huge hole in their categorizing is in the Single box. I feel there should be sub-categories that we can fill out, giving our prospective mates a clearer picture of where we are in our hearts.

Single should be broken down to the following categories, if not more.

Single:

- Have worked through all my issues. I’m ready.
- Just out of a relationship so stay away
- Just out of a relationship so come over and play
- Ready to mingle
- Looking for as many free meals as possible
- Looking for a long term, steady relationship
- NOT looking for a long term relationship
- Looking for my soul mate
- Don’t believe in soul mates, so call me
- Working on myself
- Past the point of caring whether I ever find love or not

Now that I think of it, there are some other sub-categories that come up for the other status options.

Separated:
- In the first stages- trying to see if this is what we both want
- In the first stages- I still love them
- In the first stages- they still love me
- In therapy
- I’m ready to move on but we still share custody of the cat. And the flat-screen.
- They're ready to move on but I'm using the cat as collateral
- A few months in and I’m ready for a divorce already
- A few months in and I’m not ready to change my status to single yet

Divorced:
- And happy
- And I hate all things relationship, including this question
- And I still cry in our pillow each night
- And missing my ex
- And sleeping with my ex
- And still working through the possessions so be ready for long talks about how they did me wrong

In A Relationship:
- My gf/bf pressured me into this
- It’s serious and we’re moving to the engaged box next
- But I’m looking for a way out
- But I’m sleeping with my ex
- But I’m gay so don’t tell my “gf”
- I haven't changed my status yet because I hope my ex changes their mind.
- I’m lying and just want to appear like someone loves me

Of course, part of the dating game is finding the answers to these questions on our own. We need a little mystery in our lives. So for now I’ll just leave the Relationship Status portion blank and see where life takes me. Who knows, as I date more I might find even more categories. So why limit myself?

What would you add?

"Single Because" Post from a London Singleton

I love finding well-written articles online that speak to me. This article is what I would write if I was 30 and an art curator living in London. Who knows.....the 30 part won't happen. But London is calling. The last paragraph is my favorite.

Reprinted from The Sunday Times, no copywrite violation intended

Single because ... I’ve been having too much fun
Francesca Gavin, 30, arts writer and curator
When I came out of the cosy quietness of my last long-term relationship, I became aware my party days were running out. There was only a limited time to play and do stupid things without looking like that ageing thirtysomething slurring at the bar. You’re only young once. And I was in no rush to find a new relationship.
I’m naturally sociable, and, while I was aware of the underlying superficiality of party life, I had no problem making the most of it. I’m very adaptable. I’m also freelance, and had no reason to force myself up in the mornings. And the invitations poured in. I dived head first into the art world, with its flow of openings, dinners and biennials. I spent days sunbathing by Shoreditch House’s pool, drinking passion-fruit chilli martinis. I went to dirty clubs in east London so often that a Hoxton cab company started giving me a discount. I wrote a book about creative people’s homes around the globe and spent a year exploring Tokyo, New York, Paris and Berlin, making friends and work contacts, having decadent nights at hotels and dive bars, kissing creative boys who looked cute, but were emotionally underdeveloped and on the young side. In short, the past couple of years have been a never-ending trip of hedonistic fun. Not surprisingly, I’ve remained single, bar a few flings. It is rather hard to forge a relationship when you are in and out of the country. I meet tons of men, but they’re the ones preoccupied with going out — who just want a good-time girl. And my life can sound ridiculous to a bloke doing the nine to five. When it includes drowning in prosecco at the Bauer Hotel, in Venice, before stopping in Paris, then heading to Basel, how do you respond to “What have you been up to?” without sounding like a show-off?
I’m beginning to rein things in, though. At heart, I’m rather old-fashioned, and would be happy to settle down. I’m tired of finding myself in inappropriate romantic situations. And I am bored with the hangovers and the worry of what all this fabulousness is doing to my health. But the grass is always greener. I heard a story about a 70-year-old Parisian lady in the Marais, going to bars in her furs and being escorted home by twentysomething men. It didn’t sound that bad a future.

Santa Palooza Day 3 – Love Actually

– Rated PG-13, 135 minutes Some sexual situations and bad words

I was aware of this movie when it came out, but for some reason I didn’t rush out to see it. Years went by and it became a staple for people. And yet, I had no interest. I think the trailer pushed me away. I just didn’t like the feel of it. Maybe I felt it was too busy or something along those lines. Two years ago I was talking to one of my best friends and he mentioned that it was his favorite movie. Well that sold it for me. We sat down and watched it and it has been a holiday staple ever since. I love that it is set in England and I can pretend to be part of an international love story. It doesn’t hurt that the people are beautiful and the colors literally pop off the screen.

This movie reminds me of the person I love and would not live without. He LOVES this movie and through that love I have come to love it as well. This movie reminds me of us sitting, holding each other, and watching it, knowing that we are lucky enough to have this moment and each other.

But more than just my love, it’s a love story for every relationship I’ve ever been in. And every relationship I will be in. Because relationships come and they go. And we would be ignorant to think our lives are not marked with the passage of time and with it the change time brings. There is a piece of me in every story in this movie. Just like there is a piece of everyone. We have all loved. We have all lost. We have all been at the end of our rope, ready to throw in the towel of relationships and just live with our pizza and beer. But we get through it and we remember that there is love at the end of every tunnel. And the pain and effort is always worth it.

It’s not everyone’s plan to get married and have babies. Many of us enjoy our single life and thrive in only dealing with our personal schedules. But no one can live without love. No one can live without touch and passion and caring and excitement and the knowledge that there is someone out there who cares whether you live or die, whether you call or not, and whether you’ll be home for dinner or not.

Love is easy. Love is difficult. But more than anything, love is vital. I hope everyone out there has someone to love this holiday season. Not necessarily a romantic love. The love of a baby, a sibling, a friend or even a four footed companion is all we need to get through the cold lonely nights of winter.

Happy Holidays!