Dating tips from the front lines – Part 2

I’m heading into another week on this ride known as life, and I have more to share about dating and boys. Last week proved to be a week of growing pains and I have no interest in any other singleton out there going through the same pain. I survived and you can too. Here we go:

- Blogging is not always a good way to get a guy on your side. My blog is funny and honest and walks the line of appropriate. However, if the guy you just made an example of gets his feelings hurt, maybe it’s too far. Or is it? After writing about my chance meeting last week the boy wrote me a letter explaining his side of things. He had read my blog and told me he didn’t realize how much I had been hurt by him not calling. It was obvious he was really upset and I have to admit I took a little comfort in that. He hurt me (a little) and I was glad he got to see my side of things. So lesson learned - write what you want to write, but be ready for the fall out. Be damn sure you are standing strong on your side of the story.

- Sending provocative pictures to someone you have never slept with is never a good idea. NEVER. Once you have a picture of them feel free to send and send and send. But you have to have something in your back pocket for when they feel jilted. You don’t want to be the only one without collateral.

- Women- STOP PAYING FOR YOUR MEALS!! If you are on a date, and it is called a date, DON’T PAY! It sounds sexist, 1950’s, and goes against everything we’ve been taught about independence and self reliance. But trust me. If you want to see this man again, if you want to actually date him, do not pay. No one ever got laid by going dutch.

- For women- Do NOT call him. Do NOT text him. Do NOT Facebook him. Do NOT tweet him. Leave him the hell alone. He knows how to get ahold of you, I promise. He knows where you are. And he will find you. If he doesn’t then he doesn’t want to. And who wants someone who doesn’t want them?

- For men- Do NOT call/text/tweet/post or anything to a girl you think is on the fence. All we see is communication. We don’t make the distinction between “friend I’m saying hi to” and “woman I want to sleep with”. Until the lines are clearly drawn, leave us alone please. We have other men out there who aren’t being vague and we need to leave the lines open for them.

- Sometimes men want meaningful conversations. The good boys want to connect with you. I know, it’s crazy. I was taught that you sleep with them first and THEN wrangle them into hour-long discussions about life. Apparently that is not the case with all men. Just be warned ladies. You might have to actually talk to them.

- Gay isn’t always gay. Straight isn’t always straight. Sometimes they are walking the fine line of undecided. All you need to decide is if it’s worth walking with them.

I hope this helps. I am certain there will be more. This summer is proving to be a learning experience in more ways than I ever thought possible. And I’m not even in grad school yet.

Happy hunting!

The Opposite of a "Cute-Meet"

Last night I went out with some friends to see a cabaret. The show was wonderful. It was touching and funny and reached deep into us as an audience and gave us something to believe in. I am always so happy to see my friends do what they love. However, because it’s my life, it couldn’t be just a night of live theater. There had to be some puzzle piece of intriuge. And I found it.

The cabaret was held at a theater in OC that is becoming more prominent in my world as I meet more actors and producers. One of the boys I’ve met this past year does a lot of shows there. I know this because I see him check in on 4square and on fb. (My stalking skills are amazing!) I’ll admit there was a part of me that truly hoped he would be there. I’ve spent time painting this amazing picture of him in my head, creating a god-like vision of a man who didn’t call me the morning after. We didn’t go all the way, obviously, but enough that when I drove home the next morning I thought for sure I would see him again. Apparently he thought differently, considering I never heard from him. Okay- I can handle that. It happens. Taking that into consideration, I’m not sure why this guy is even a part of my mentality. He doesn’t deserve it. However, he has been and I thought if I saw him I would be able to put the entire event to rest.

I walk into the lobby and of course zero in on him. My first thought? “Really Amie? THIS is who you were upset didn’t call you?” First off- he’s a baby! So young. And while my ego is pleased that I can still snag the cute ones, the adult in me is glad I don’t have to dress him. Secondly- he’s not as cute as I remember. Maybe because I’m sober when I see him this time. You know how some people get even more attractive the more you don’t see them? Then there are people who seem to get uglier as the days pass. He definitely did not get more attractive and he’s definitely not a god. He’s just…..a guy. Thirdly - he completely ignores me. No smile, no nod of hello, not even a faint blush and an embarassed turn away. I spend a few minutes saying hello to my friends, positioning myself so he gets a view of my outfit, my legs and flowing hair. I hug my friends extra hard as one by one I realize my strength comes from them and not the random boy in the corner.

He and I finally smile as the doors open and we head into the theater, but it’s obvious he is ackward and not sure what to do with me. Especially since I say hi to the woman (girl) he is now dating and make sure to introduce myself to his friends. You’re not going to get me down! No sir.

The biggest eye opener? The moment I hammered the final nail in the coffin of my obsessing? Later that night, on my way back to my table at the bar, I pass by him and make small talk. Nothing crazy or sexual or flirty. Just a conversation aknowledging we are in the same room together and have a history. He can’t even look me in the eye. He looks over my shoulder, gives me two word answers and just generally looks uncomfortable. While I continue my asinine conversation with him all I can think is, “Really?!!? I’ve seen you naked and you can’t even PRETEND to be interested in what I’m talking about?!” Amateur.

So how do I pay him back? I have a long conversation with his new girlfriend, right next to him. A much longer conversation than was needed. We talked theater and the cabaret and life and shopping and…..well just everything girls talk about. All while he sat at the bar, sweating, waiting for me to make my exit. I did, finally, and went back to my table of people. People I wouldn’t trade anything for. People who constantly remind me that I am enough. I am a strong, confident, empowered woman who cannot spend any more time dwelling on men who don't see that. Seeing the boy reminded me of that.

It’s the small moments, really, that show us the people who are worth our time and those who are really not. I’m glad I can confidently remove him from my list. (And Facebook. And 4Square) Now, if I can only get rid of a few more I will be all set.

Dating Tips From The Front Lines - Part 1

Instead of my banging my head against the wall, always falling into a new dating trap, I’m going to use my power for good and try to help my sisters out by posting what I’ve learned. I’ll add these in periodically as I discover them in the dating battlefield, a series of blogs, each one highlighting new thoughts. I love all things relationship and sex and dating so I might as well use my blog to share what I experience.

- Meet his family.
If more than three months of continuous dating has gone by and you haven’t met ANYONE in his family, get out. I’m not talking parents necessarily. But three/four months in you should at least have met a second cousin on his mom’s side. YOU’RE TOO AWESOME TO BE A SECRET!

- Wait until “we” becomes “I”
If he is still referring to himself as “we” he still has his ex on his mind, in his heart and probably in his bed a few times a week. Save yourself the heartache and wait it out (preferably in the strong arms of a hot young thing) or move on to someone who has already moved on.

- Check his status says “Single”
If he is not listed as any kind of relationship the odds are he is in the middle of a “complicated” one. Maybe he has feelings for someone and they’re not reciprocated. Or he’s dating someone but not seriously enough to tell the world so he wants to keep his options open. Or he’s in the middle of a break-up and isn’t ready to date. Or he just doesn’t care enough to post anything, which happens because he’s a boy and FB isn’t that important to him. Bottom line- when someone is ready to date and meet someone, they will have “Single” as their relationships status because they want the world to know they are ready and available.

- He doesn’t share the bread
See my next post on a horrible dating experience I had. A man who takes the entire loaf of bread, touches every piece in the basket or simply doesn’t offer you any at all isn’t someone you want in your kitchen. Or your bedroom. Ever.

Good luck out there!

The Habit of Being Busy

Singletons are told we need to “keep busy”. Don’t sit and think about past relationships. Don’t wallow in your heart break, no matter how long ago they left. Don’t stay home, curled up in bed, just sitting around waiting for Mr./Ms. Right to come along. You have to get out into the world. Find a new hobby. Do some volunteering. Meet new people who share your interests.

Well I’ve done all that, made it a habit to try new things and say yes, and now I have an entirely different problem on my hands.

My week is packed down to the second. Other than when I sit my ass in this chair at work and look busy, I am active and putting too much into the hours Father Time gives me. These are all things that need to be done and things I enjoy doing. But they are causing me to miss out on life a little bit. People I haven’t seen in a while will inevitably ask me if I’m dating anyone. The ones who know me well always follow up their own question with “What am I saying? It’s you. You’re too busy to date.” I smile and agree and continue to use that as my excuse for the rest of the conversation. I’m too busy to date. I don’t have time for a boyfriend. Anyone I find will have to fit into my schedule because I certainly don’t have an extra second for him.

How is that healthy? What kind of man wants to walk into a packed calendar where I may or may not have time for him? That’s not what anyone wants. And if the shoe was on the other foot? Any man I meet better start clearing his schedule to spend time with me because I’m well worth it. But wait a minute…..aren’t they? Aren’t these future men I meet worth me making time for them? Aren’t they worth me looking at my life and deciding what can get pared down and what needs to stay? Maybe I’m using my busy schedule as one more wall to put up against commitment, true love and the possibility of being happy.

When is it “too busy” and when is it hiding?

This is the double edged sword of modern dating life. Fill your time so you look busy and interesting, but be ready for love and welcome it with the time and energy needed to allow it to flourish and grow. I am a single woman in my 30’s so by default I have my own bills, my own apartment, my own career and my own friends. I have several hobbies I have invested time and love into. I have dreams that I have spent over a decade nurturing. A man who walks into the world I’ve created is going to have to be strong and sure of himself because he’s up against a lot. In the same breath, if I had none of these things going on I wouldn’t be someone the man for me would even be interested in. I’ve created a dating catch-22.

All this and I dislike being home. It is not a comfort to me. It is not a refuge, it’s not calm, it’s not a haven. My home right now is somewhere I sleep between adventures. It’s where all my things are when they’re not in my car. I feel like that’s a turn off for men. Men in relationships usually like to be home and watch TV and share time with their woman. Will I adapt when the right man snags me? Will I see my house as a wonderful place because I’ll have someone to share it with? (Probably. Because even as I wrote that sentence a smile crossed over my face, thinking about long Sunday afternoons with my (future) bf, just existing together.)

So where do myself and other single people go from here? What is the right path? Do I stay busy, filling my time with what I love and the people I love, trusting that when the time comes I'll recognize the signs and stop for love? Or do I start slowing down a bit now and allow room for love? Maybe it’s another chicken and egg question. One that I’ll only know the answer to once I’m sitting on my couch, wrapped in my loves arms, making happiness my new favorite.

Playing Cards With The Timing Gods

A good comedienne knows the power of good timing. The perfect pause, the well placed eye roll, the deadpan comeback that throws the waiter off their daily specials monologue. There’s an art to making people laugh and a lot of it has to do with timing. In life, however, most timing is completely out of our control and even the best comic can get thrown.

When my sister was pregnant with nephew #1 I was living in NYC with the man I thought I was going to marry. He obviously didn’t understand that and left me with our studio apartment and the new cat. I was lost, heartbroken and seriously pissed at the world. Then I realized that without boyfriend baggage I was free to live wherever I wanted, including going home and taking care of my sister and the baby. Score- Amie: 1 Timing: 0

When my dad got sick I had just started working at Disney Studios. I hated the job. I loved the company, but hated the job. I wanted a way out but I knew that I had to stick it out, make money and at least enjoy the perks of the job. Timing Gods had given me a stable position to make and save money but all I saw was the opportunity to go home and take care of my father. Score- Amie: 2 Timing: 0

When I needed to quit my job because I was going to kill myself if I didn’t, I quit without anything lined up, without any savings in the bank and without a plan. I just quit. No work came for over a month. I started to panic a little and dipped into money I probably shouldn’t have touched. But I was happy. I loved not working at a desk. I loved being the person who loved all of her life, not hating any of it. The timing was horrible for me to quit, especially when you factor in an unemployment rate of 12% here in California. But it was the best decision I have made in a really long time. Amie: 3 Timing: 0

I seem to do pretty well with my timing in career and with family. I drop everything for these two things. Good jobs have come because I simply was in the right place at the right time. Good parts have been given to me because I had put my time in and the opportunity came when I was ready for them. The Timing Gods, while not always at my pace, have worked well for me when it comes to people I meet and my career.

I also applaud their often witty sense of humor, displayed perfectly the week I bought my new car and three days later got into grad school in England.

In relationships, however, I might have pissed off the Gods of Time. Bad timing is so often a reason people don’t work out, and I have been on the receiving end of a wide range of timing-blamed excuses.

“It’s just not the right time for us.”
“I see us together, in our 60’s. You don’t mind waiting, right?”
“If I had met you three months/days/weeks ago this might have worked.”
“If only I had met you before I met my wife/girlfriend.”
“It’s a really busy time in my life and I can’t date anyone right now.”
“I really like you, but my gf gets home soon and I owe it to us to try and make that work.”
“I wish I was 10 years older.”

I have had my share of relationships ending, or not even beginning, because of bad timing. And as I become more and more single every day, it causes me to think that maybe the various hourglasses in my life are actually working together.

If Chris hadn’t left me I wouldn’t have gone home and spent those first three months with my nephew, establishing a bond stronger than I could have wished for. Heartbroken Amie: 0 Timing: 1

If ________________ (insert name of various boys I tried to date and they gave me variations of “no thank you, it’s not the right time for me”) hadn’t said that and ultimately left me alone with my tears and frustration, I wouldn’t have been able to stand in front of the last man to leave and say “I understand and I’m okay with it” and move on. Heartbroken Amie: 0 Timing: 2

If I wasn’t currently (still) single I wouldn’t have the absolute freedom to head to England, fully ready and open for whatever comes. Heartbroken Amie: 0 Timing: 3

So it seems we’re at a tie, the Timing Gods and I. Maybe that’s why I feel anxious. Maybe that’s why I feel unsettled. It’s a time-out while both teams wait for the next move to see where to play their hand. I’m okay with a tie, considering the cards I’m playing next have me heading off on an adventure with no known finish line.

And since I’ll be 8 hours ahead of my life here in LA, I’ll have a head start.

We All Need Subcategories - Even on Facebook

Facebook has changed the way people interact, bringing it to a level I don’t believe even Mark Zuckerberg could have imagined from his Harvard dorm room. And don’t kid yourself. For as much as we want to network and find jobs through our FB friends, we all use Facebook to flirt, check-up on exes, send secret love messages and find the dirt on our current crushes.

With all of the advancement in the world of social network stalking, one would think the landscape was full. However, as I get even more fully immersed in the facebook world, I have found a huge gap in interpersonal relations on the social website: Relationship Status.

Over time Facbook has expanded its relationship options. They offer Single, In A Relationship, Engaged, Married, It’s Complicated, In an Open Relationship, Widowed, Separated, Divorced, (and most recently) In a Civil Union, and In a Domestic Partnership. I believe they have most options covered. There is a difference between Separated and Divorced. There is a difference between In a Relationship and In an Open Relationship. And there is a difference between a Civil Union and Domestic Partnership. One huge hole in their categorizing is in the Single box. I feel there should be sub-categories that we can fill out, giving our prospective mates a clearer picture of where we are in our hearts.

Single should be broken down to the following categories, if not more.

Single:

- Have worked through all my issues. I’m ready.
- Just out of a relationship so stay away
- Just out of a relationship so come over and play
- Ready to mingle
- Looking for as many free meals as possible
- Looking for a long term, steady relationship
- NOT looking for a long term relationship
- Looking for my soul mate
- Don’t believe in soul mates, so call me
- Working on myself
- Past the point of caring whether I ever find love or not

Now that I think of it, there are some other sub-categories that come up for the other status options.

Separated:
- In the first stages- trying to see if this is what we both want
- In the first stages- I still love them
- In the first stages- they still love me
- In therapy
- I’m ready to move on but we still share custody of the cat. And the flat-screen.
- They're ready to move on but I'm using the cat as collateral
- A few months in and I’m ready for a divorce already
- A few months in and I’m not ready to change my status to single yet

Divorced:
- And happy
- And I hate all things relationship, including this question
- And I still cry in our pillow each night
- And missing my ex
- And sleeping with my ex
- And still working through the possessions so be ready for long talks about how they did me wrong

In A Relationship:
- My gf/bf pressured me into this
- It’s serious and we’re moving to the engaged box next
- But I’m looking for a way out
- But I’m sleeping with my ex
- But I’m gay so don’t tell my “gf”
- I haven't changed my status yet because I hope my ex changes their mind.
- I’m lying and just want to appear like someone loves me

Of course, part of the dating game is finding the answers to these questions on our own. We need a little mystery in our lives. So for now I’ll just leave the Relationship Status portion blank and see where life takes me. Who knows, as I date more I might find even more categories. So why limit myself?

What would you add?

These are some options? I'll go it alone, thank you.

I look at my world and I enjoy it. I have awesome friends, great family relationships, a lust for life and great legs. I enjoy being single because I don't have to follow any rules but the ones I put into the book. Doesn't mean I don't like to shop.

I have played the internet dating game and have some wonderfully entertaining stories to go along with the memories. I meet people at parties and through friends. I love to go out and meet people and see what everyone else does with their time. One place I have NEVER met someone is through Craigslist. The people who post on CL, whether they are nice guys are not, are opening themselves up to ridicule and judgement. Which leads me to question why they don't think through things before they click on the "post ad" icon.

The following examples are why CL shopping is best left to slightly-loved Ikea furniture.

- Endangerd Species - 53 Most guys simply don't have much self confidence and stick there necks out to impress his date hoping to land in the back seator in bed after the appitizer.They exagerate and laugh at anything,ozzing in obviousness.Tired of that are you ?Veterin single guy,married twice,fun,serious,open minded,provocitive, generious,can stimulate your passion,desires,maybe dreams.5' 6 " tall, Italian,handsome fun to be with,steady good job, live alone,nice apartment.Drugs a "no no".That tall dark handsome guy after guy after guy you keep dating gets the same results,time after time.No need to ask why ?P..S Never ask me to Varify as you will only waste your time. John

Seriously? The typos and bad grammar alone would turn a woman off. But add in his thought that 5'6" is "tall" and now you're just an idiot. I like men of all heights and who are comfortable in their skin. This guy is a "no no"

- A man listed himself as "getting over my shyness" and wrote a two page posting about what he was looking for in a woman and what he was "done playing" with. He painted this empathetic picture of a shy guy trying something new.......Then posted a picture of his hard penis.

In my opinion, no one who shows their junk online is shy. No one.

- Brutally honest heartless health-conscious bastard with limitless 420.

That was his header. So what you're saying is I would have to be high the entire time I was with you because I couldn't stand you if sober. Not the best selling point for a new relationship.

-Just 1 sane and attractive girl on here??? - 29

Wow. you're only looking for 1? In all these crazy, neurotic, insane women? Well with odds like that I think I'll stake my claim somewhere else. Who wants to date a man who has already stacked the deck against me. On the plus side, he did post pictures of him on the beach with this adorable puppy. Women love puppies. He almost has the game mastered.

Here are a few more gems of CL

- Sense of Urgency, desperately wants a baby - 30
- Experiment with a therapeutic spanking
- I look like a Greek Masterwork. You be Hot Exotic with massive breasts
- FATHR FGUR 4 U - 48
- Where's my Swing-Friendly Partner in Crime and Wine? - 42

OH. MY. GOD!!! And this was just within the past few hours!

Married ladies- rejoice.

Richman Daydreams

I’ve come to a solution to my problems: a rich husband who adores me.

Now, I’m not one to seriously contemplate marriage. I have no interest, really. It only ends in heartache, I don’t like to share my bed and I am not a fan of having to train someone to put the toilet lid down. I love being single. I like making my own schedule and not answering to anyone. I enjoy the day changing at 2p and not knowing where I’m going to end up. I like being able to plan out my month without having to take into account another person and what he wants to do. However, for the right price I could be convinced marriage is the way to go.

I hate my job. However, I have to be here. I have to pay off debt, save for the future and pay my bills. I have to have health insurance and a retirement plan. This is a very adult job and I do need to sit on my ass everyday and get paid. If I had a rich husband, who adored me, I could quit my job. I wouldn’t need to pay bills because his assistant would do it for me. Wait- MY assistant would do it for me. I could have an assistant. I would be covered under his health care which would include acupuncture and therapeutic massages. I would dip into his retirement fund and he would pay off my credit card debt in one fell swoop. I would have a new car, new clothes and would be able to put all my change into the “Feed the Children” bucket at the grocery store. I could shop at Whole Foods without looking at the total cost and the personal chef we would have would make me six small meals a day so I could watch my weight. I would have a personal trainer and a pool.

Hobbies would become possible. I have an assistant so they could help me organize my large projects and then actually get them done. My scrapbook from Europe (when I went three years ago) would be finished. My ongoing marathon scrapbook (which hasn’t even been started) would get done. I could learn to quilt and then make the squares for my marathon t-shirt quilt I have planned.

The possibilities are endless.

I would get my nails done twice a month and chat with the ladies who work there. I would be able to go to their fundraising events and give money. I would be able to write checks to all the little charities that are out there. Not huge gifts, but something to everyone. I would stop at every lemonade stand and garage sale and buy something, and then donate it to shelters. I would shop at farmers markets and co-ops and support locally.

And the time I would have for auditioning! Holy hell. I would have an hour long voice lesson every week as well as an acting class every other day. I would have new headshots with fabulous clothes. I would meet with agents and PR reps and managers. Hell, I could make my OWN movie and get it out there. I could direct, act, produce….whatever I wanted, because I wouldn’t have to worry about money. I could mount a show in a gorgeous theater. I could remodel an old 1940’s movie house and show old movies once a week. I could have live music performances and invite all my friends to put up their cabaret acts. And there would be lots of karaoke.

I wouldn’t spend more than I needed to feel artistically fulfilled. I’m not buying $10,000 watches or owning seven cars. The house would be a modest size and everything would be eco-friendly and green. Nothing wasted. But I wouldn’t have to work at this job and I would be able to find what fulfills me, without the threat of collection agencies or debt weighing me down. I could find my passion. I could travel around the world and write or take pictures until I felt the draw to do something. I could get in touch with what I wanted and I could make it happen.

The day I release the chains from this desk is the day my life really begins. I enjoy my life, I enjoy the people in my life. But one day soon I am going to be released from this desk prison and I’m going to live the hell out of life.

It would just be faster if I had a rich man who could do that for me now. And he’ll be gorgeous, obviously.