Playing Cards With The Timing Gods

A good comedienne knows the power of good timing. The perfect pause, the well placed eye roll, the deadpan comeback that throws the waiter off their daily specials monologue. There’s an art to making people laugh and a lot of it has to do with timing. In life, however, most timing is completely out of our control and even the best comic can get thrown.

When my sister was pregnant with nephew #1 I was living in NYC with the man I thought I was going to marry. He obviously didn’t understand that and left me with our studio apartment and the new cat. I was lost, heartbroken and seriously pissed at the world. Then I realized that without boyfriend baggage I was free to live wherever I wanted, including going home and taking care of my sister and the baby. Score- Amie: 1 Timing: 0

When my dad got sick I had just started working at Disney Studios. I hated the job. I loved the company, but hated the job. I wanted a way out but I knew that I had to stick it out, make money and at least enjoy the perks of the job. Timing Gods had given me a stable position to make and save money but all I saw was the opportunity to go home and take care of my father. Score- Amie: 2 Timing: 0

When I needed to quit my job because I was going to kill myself if I didn’t, I quit without anything lined up, without any savings in the bank and without a plan. I just quit. No work came for over a month. I started to panic a little and dipped into money I probably shouldn’t have touched. But I was happy. I loved not working at a desk. I loved being the person who loved all of her life, not hating any of it. The timing was horrible for me to quit, especially when you factor in an unemployment rate of 12% here in California. But it was the best decision I have made in a really long time. Amie: 3 Timing: 0

I seem to do pretty well with my timing in career and with family. I drop everything for these two things. Good jobs have come because I simply was in the right place at the right time. Good parts have been given to me because I had put my time in and the opportunity came when I was ready for them. The Timing Gods, while not always at my pace, have worked well for me when it comes to people I meet and my career.

I also applaud their often witty sense of humor, displayed perfectly the week I bought my new car and three days later got into grad school in England.

In relationships, however, I might have pissed off the Gods of Time. Bad timing is so often a reason people don’t work out, and I have been on the receiving end of a wide range of timing-blamed excuses.

“It’s just not the right time for us.”
“I see us together, in our 60’s. You don’t mind waiting, right?”
“If I had met you three months/days/weeks ago this might have worked.”
“If only I had met you before I met my wife/girlfriend.”
“It’s a really busy time in my life and I can’t date anyone right now.”
“I really like you, but my gf gets home soon and I owe it to us to try and make that work.”
“I wish I was 10 years older.”

I have had my share of relationships ending, or not even beginning, because of bad timing. And as I become more and more single every day, it causes me to think that maybe the various hourglasses in my life are actually working together.

If Chris hadn’t left me I wouldn’t have gone home and spent those first three months with my nephew, establishing a bond stronger than I could have wished for. Heartbroken Amie: 0 Timing: 1

If ________________ (insert name of various boys I tried to date and they gave me variations of “no thank you, it’s not the right time for me”) hadn’t said that and ultimately left me alone with my tears and frustration, I wouldn’t have been able to stand in front of the last man to leave and say “I understand and I’m okay with it” and move on. Heartbroken Amie: 0 Timing: 2

If I wasn’t currently (still) single I wouldn’t have the absolute freedom to head to England, fully ready and open for whatever comes. Heartbroken Amie: 0 Timing: 3

So it seems we’re at a tie, the Timing Gods and I. Maybe that’s why I feel anxious. Maybe that’s why I feel unsettled. It’s a time-out while both teams wait for the next move to see where to play their hand. I’m okay with a tie, considering the cards I’m playing next have me heading off on an adventure with no known finish line.

And since I’ll be 8 hours ahead of my life here in LA, I’ll have a head start.

Taking stock of what she has and what I haven't

Most of the time, I am happy with my life. I like myself as a person. I like my friends and my hobbies and my slowly (very slowly) growing career. I believe in my choices and work hard to stay on a path of good and solid living with a healthy dose of fun. When I don’t stop to take stock of what I have and what I haven’t I’m pretty happy. When I don’t sit and look at other people and what they have and what they haven’t I’m even happier. But some days I do stop. And I do look. And those days need to be fewer and farther between.

As facebook brings more and more people into my life I learn about this web of life out there I have been peripherally involved with. People who know people who I am really good friends with and yet have never met. This always throws me. We have 44 friends in common? How do I not know you?!!? And to learn that I was sometimes living in the same city with these people, walking the same streets, living parallel lives without even knowing it. That is when I start to second guess the randomness of the universe.

We make choices every day that effect how our lives will move forward. I don’t believe we have a destiny, but I do believe we have a purpose and our choices either move us towards that purpose or off the path, making it harder to get back on. We chose who to love. We chose where to go to school. We chose where to eat and what jobs to take and which movies to see. And somewhere out there someone is making the same decisions, at the same time, in a world similar to yours, but not quite the same. There is a peripheral woman in my life who is living a life (and has lead a life) that at times I wish I was living. And between you and me, I would have lived it without messing it up like I think she did. But that’s just me projecting. I don't know the details so I can't really judge. Or there is the woman who isn’t in the peripheral, she effects my life every day, and yet I would change positions with her in a hot second if only to have what she has for a fleeting moment.

All this circular talk is simply me thinking about someone in the world who might be looking at my life, thinking it’s similar yet different and comparing it to theirs. Would they be motivated to change their path to be more like mine? Would they be happy with theirs and simply look at me with mild interest? Or would they shake their head and wonder how I managed to mess up every opportunity that was handed to me?

I look at other people and their choices and it constantly motivates me. Interesting blogs motivate me to write more and to entertain through my words and stories. Postings on facebook motivate me to get to the gym or call a friend or go to an audition I was on the fence about. Check-ins on yelp.com or foursquare motivate me to try new places and get out and be more social. Texts and emails from friends and family motivate me to be a better girlfriend/sister/daughter/aunt/friend. I am learning to take everything as a possibility and not as just a moment.

My biggest fear is that I will not have lived a full life. That something (money, time, relationships, career, life) will get in the way and I will look back and stamp my foot in frustration that “she” got to do this or that while I was off doing something else. Frustrated that she got the guy, or got the cooler part in the play, or had the better hair, or got to own a dog, or got to have kids with him while I was off living my life. My fear is that I won’t find peace in my choices, that I will constant second guess and wonder and look for a life that I wished I had lead.

In this instance fear might just be the best motivator.

The Ambitious 5-Year Plan Needs Good Friends

I was talking with a friend this morning and they said they judge people by their own rules. I really liked that. Easier to mark people to their own standards instead of my standards for them.

We were talking about people who are ambitious and yet complain all the time about how much they hate their life and what they’re doing. We all know there is a difference between just having a bad day and truly hating your life. I know this as well as anyone.

I consider myself an ambitious person. I have big goals and big dreams. I wake up every morning thinking, some day I will have more than this. I know I will. There is too much in the world to do for me to be content with what I have. For a good two years I just complained. I hated my job. I hated where I lived. I hated that I wasn’t going anywhere. I hated that my dad was dead. I hated that I was single. I hated that I didn’t have a dog or a savings account or anything that showed I had been working my ass off for ten years. I felt like I was treading water and I was truly not happy. And I couldn’t see a way out. Then my best friend took me out to dinner one night and sat me down. He said I had to do something if I wanted to change my life. I needed to start taking the steps and trust they will go somewhere. I told him I was scared of making the wrong decision. He repeated words back to me that I have said in my life- “There is no wrong decision. Just different paths we can take.” At the time all I heard was “yadda yadda yadda” because I felt like I was at the bottom of a pit. Then I started taking some steps.

Little ones at first. I took a summer business class online. Loved it. Then I started truly looking at a 5 year plan. I am not a long-term planner kind of person. There are too many variables. But I knew some of the big ticket items I wanted and saw that I needed to get off my ass and get to it. Last summer I started taking steps to move my life into the one I wanted. I knew it would take some time. I knew the long term goals I had were just that, long term. And I needed to be patient, which is not easy for me.

I moved out of the place where I was living. I loved the family I was living with and leaving was a hard thing to do. But I had to make some changes and where I live is an easily changeable variable in my life. I took a few more online classes and started to narrow down my choices of careers. Then I started the ball rolling for grad school. This was the biggest step I could take. It was a leap. The same friend who sat with me and told me I had to take the steps to change my life was with me the whole time, gently reminding me that I was on the right track and was at least doing something. There were a few times I almost turned around and came home. But he held my hand (over the phone) and walked me through all the doubts and nerves.

In February I quit my steady job. I realized I was done being so unhappy. I was done being the person who hates her job. I was done being associated to an awful outlook on life. So without a backup, without savings and without any references, I quit and didn’t look back. It was the best decision I could have made. Because in March I found out that my hard work had paid off and I would be leaving for England in September.

All of this was pushed forward in my memory when I talked with my friend this morning. I am an ambitious person, and that isn’t a bad thing. I did complain (a lot) and then I made the choices to change what I hated. At the time they seemed like individual things. Small choices that weren’t really linked. But looking back on them as I look forward to my next phase of life I see that they all played a vital part in my plan. Without even knowing it I took the steps towards my 5 year plan. My highly ambitious, totally doable and completely malleable 5 year plan.

Good thing I have people in my life who guide me well, make me think and always believe in me. Just add that to the many things that make me a lucky girl.