HCG Week 2 – Yes To the Future

Here we go. I am down 6 lbs this week (165.4) and am really excited to see what happens next. I just need to stay the course and keep strong.

Keep strong.

That’s not easy. Over the weekend I was tempted a LOT. Breaking the habit of eating at drive-thrus after rehearsal only took a few days. You just put the blinders on and drive home. Breaking the habit of taquitos and an iced tea before shows was easy. You just stop going to 7-eleven. I knew those habits were coming. It’s the surprise attacks from the outside world I’m still learning to be more mentally prepared for.

Saturday there was a cast BBQ and when I got to the theater, after a 6 hour tech for my next show, I saw nothing but treats. Literally everything I ate to gain these 20lbs was sitting there; ice cream, brownies, homemade cookies, pizza and chocolate. It was really hard to say no. Really hard. It would have been so easy to say, “Oh I’ll have a tiny bite.” Or just a small spoonful of ice cream. Or a piece of the chocolate bar. I knew it wasn’t going to really hurt me.

Or would it?

I have cheated on every diet I’ve been on. Even when I was a vegan I would cheat and have bakery items I knew had eggs and butter in them. I don’t want to be a cheater any more. I want to be confident that I am strong enough to say “no”. Especially to something as silly and inconsequencial as ice cream. Baby steps to saying no in other parts of my life.

Saturday night was the Seussical girls sleep-over, complete with junk food galore. This time it was all the salty foods I love; chips with french onion dip, carmel sauce, popcorn. I remained strong, eating apple slices and seaweed. I ate more calories than I was supposed to, but they were all approved and I felt that was a win for me. I remained stronger than the food. Even in the morning when it was free food (something I hate saying “no” to) and the hotel had panckae wrapped sausages. I love that! But I said “no”. Because I know that every time I say “no” to the now I am truly saying “yes” to the future.

Sunday morning at tech I was met with donuts, one of my biggest downfalls, and I was tempted once again. But I remained strong. It was REALLY hard!! I was actually surprised at how difficult it was to not eat them. It’s just food!

Then sushi Sunday night with the cast. A revolving sushi bar with every kind of sushi one could want. It was a little piece of heaven! I’m telling you, the universe put up a good fight these past two days. It threw all my favorites at me, yet I remained strong. And I went to sleep on Sunday quite proud of myself.

I didn’t cheat. I didn’t eat the foods I’m not supposed to. I stayed the course and remained strong. This is huge! I succeeded in being true to my goal and trusting that the outcome is worth putting off satisfaction. That is a reallybig deal.

The kicker? And the thing that tells me my lesson is not over? This morning I weighed myself and the scale didn’t move. Not an ounce. However, instead of beating myself up and turning to the sweets with a “What does it matter” attitude, I’m breathing and staying strong and keeping on the food protocol. Drinking more water and trusting the process. The universe tried to derail me again, this time with something it knew would hurt me. I remained strong. I am strong. I WILL do this and I will succeed.

Then I will have celebrate with some soy ice cream!

Thursday Google Fun

Every once in a while I like to play with google. I type in a couple of letters and see what google wants to give me. Then I click on the first link and open up a brand new adventure, right at my desk. Let's see what google gives me today!

- I type in "onej" and google offers "OneJoseph" so here I go. I click on http://www.onejoseph.com/ and am pulled into a website with a gorgeous piece of art on it. The artist is Joseph Todorovitch and he is wonderful. He does all figurative art with the style reminiscent of Johannes Vermeer. I love this artist! It blows my mind that people can put this on the page and evoke such grace and peace. It's beautiful.

- I type in "fre" and google offers me "fresh brothers" so I take it. PIZZA!! And it's local! Looks like I have a new place to try for some good pizza. "Fresh thinking, fresh pizza". I like a fresh slogan. Looks really good.

- I type in "luc" and google gives me "lucid dreaming". What an interesting article. I spend the next 10 minutes maneuvering through the website http://www.lucidity.com/LucidDreamingFAQ2.html learning the difference between when I'm aware I'm dreaming and when I'm not, as well as how to use this to my advantage. This will come in handy at my desk. Maybe google will next offer me how to sleep with my eyes open.

- I type in "slee" (with the true hope google shows me how to sleep while appearing awake) and I'm taken to "sleep paralysis" which proceeds to scare the crap out of me. http://www.stanford.edu/~dement/paralysis.html It's a disfunction where you cannot move when you first wake up and/or first go to sleep. WTF? Can you imagine opening your eyes and not being able to move, when you were fully able to 8 hours ago? Jeez. Not a fan of that disorder. I'll stick with my lucid dreams.

- And finally I type in "ants", paying hommage to my ant-covered- mouse-corpse morning. Google hands me "ants marching lyrics" by DMB. Not a horrible choice. I like the idea of Dave Matthews hanging out with me as I clean up my little horrible marching ants.

take these chances place them in a box until a quiter time lights down, you up and die

I should do this every day! I like the doors it opens. I had no idea about this artist and he's wonderful. I had no idea sleep paralysis was real. I also found a diaper service called "Antsy Pants" which I thought was a cute name for a company.

Man, I love the internet.

The Great White Bikini Challenge- A Small Victory

Hi there. I am appalled with how long I have gone without writing. I know I promised a blog on the 22nd, but that didn't happen. Trust me, my to-do list for this blog is getting longer every day. There is so much to talk about and tell the world and get down on virtual paper. If it makes you feel any better, I haven't written in my journal in over a month either. What have I been doing?!!? Not working, that's for sure. I am a fan of not having to go to an office every day. Not a fan of a dwindling paycheck. But that's another story.

Today I wanted to quickly check in and tell you about a win. I watch Biggest Loser every week on Hulu.com and it inspires me. I know these people are playing for $250,000 but they are also busting their butts every week. Kicking their own ideas of what they can and can't do and creating new realities for themselves. This week one of the most inspiring people had to leave and I cried with everyone on the show. She has lost 204 lbs. during her yearlong journey. That's more than an entire person! So in honor of her hard work I worked hard too and put my will power to the test.

I didn't have pizza tonight.

Here's the backstory to that. I love pizza. A lot. Who doesn't? And I love finding new pizza that is so good it makes you want to cry. But living alone I got into the bad habit of ordering a large (since it's cheaper than a medium) and then eating until I was disgustingly full. I started this awful habit after my father died. I would go to my apartment, feel awful, order a pizza and eat the whole thing. When I lost the first round of weight with Jenny Craig I got out of the habit and haven't really gone back that way since. This spring I have slipped back down the slide of weight gain.

This ritual plays into everything mentally wrong with my weight loss journey. I feel like I deserve pizza. So I buy one. Then I feel guilty for spending the money on that when I should have gotten real groceries. So then I use the guilt to fuel eating the entire pie so I don't feel like I wasted my money. The entire pie. That's pizza enough for four people and I eat it all. Then I feel this amazing sense of accomplishment and pride. Then the eventual disgust with myself for being so weak and giving in, when saying "no" is always an option.

Tonight I was strong and I said "no" to the pizza. I didn't walk to the parlor (did I mention this pizza place is only three blocks from my house). I didn't spend money I don't have on pizza I don't need. I didn't reward myself for the yard work I did or justify my bingeing in any way. I just told myself "no" every time I thought I pizza. I told myself I didn't need it and I was stronger than the pizza. Keep in mind I also haven't eaten since lunch so pizza was the fast and easy choice. I have a habit of eating a lot of food when I'm alone and I was alone all day. And I'm smack in the middle of the girlie hormone week and logic isn't usually part of the equation. There were a lot of factors working against me in this little test.

Weight loss and changing your life is a step by step journey. Sometimes the steps are huge and the pounds melt off. That isn't happening for me. I haven't lost a pound in over a month. Due mostly to my crappy eating (I also have a weakness for 7-eleven taquitos. My next will power goal is saying "no" to those) and not being motivated to work out because the show kicks my butt four nights a week. Sometimes the steps are small. Tonight I had my small victory. I didn't eat pizza. It's a step.

I ate a crappy lunch and a handful of M&Ms and half a bottle of wine. So it wasn't a win-win day all around. But I broke a habit tonight. I didn't give into my weaker pizza loving side and I said "no" to the pizza. And I feel really good about.

How about you? What are your bad habits? Anything you want to break this year?