No weight, no scale, no problem

For most of the summer I weighed myself. I was doing the HCG diet where you weigh yourself every day. It was wonderful to watch the weight come off so quickly. However, it was not as much fun to watch the weight come back on. I have weighed myself at LEAST weekly for the past three years. There wasn't a day goes by I didn't know how much I weighed within 2 pounds. I was both frustrated and motivated by these numbers but felt I was healthy and aware. I felt in control and powerful because if nothing else, I knew what I weighed.


Guess what I don't have here in the UK. A scale.


It didn't even occur to me until about two weeks of being here. I baby sat for a fellow student and they have a scale in their bathroom. It was like meeting an old friend you used to know very well. I was so tempted to step on it and see what my number was, when I stopped myself. I didn't want to know. Even more than that, I didn't need to know.


My pants are looser, forcing me to wear the belt I brought with me. My tops hang better and my sweaters don't stretch across my middle. My clothes feel comfortable and, dare I say, almost too big for me. 


I am sleeping well and not getting sick, minus a few sniffles here and there. I am not breaking out or feeling greasy or weighed down. I am regular and I feel great. I have maintained the vegetarian diet and I love how I feel. I treat myself to a beer when I want one and chocolate when I want those. I eat a lot of food out of a can, because it stays on the shelfs longer, but I also eat an apple every day and greens every day. I drink three liters of water every day at school and then more when I get home. I haven't counted my calories since I got here, nor have I weighed myself.


And I feel great.


There is a part of me that cannot wait to get home and step on that scale. I know I have lost weight and I would love to know the number that goes with that to validate my "hard work". But more than that, I know I am healthy. Losing the scale obsession has been a true gift and something I really enjoy. I like now knowing. I like having to guess. I like that I can go back to imagining I'm in the 150s and loving my body. This is amazing! I am falling in love with myself and it feels so good.


Now, off for more tea!!

HCG Week 2 – Yes To the Future

Here we go. I am down 6 lbs this week (165.4) and am really excited to see what happens next. I just need to stay the course and keep strong.

Keep strong.

That’s not easy. Over the weekend I was tempted a LOT. Breaking the habit of eating at drive-thrus after rehearsal only took a few days. You just put the blinders on and drive home. Breaking the habit of taquitos and an iced tea before shows was easy. You just stop going to 7-eleven. I knew those habits were coming. It’s the surprise attacks from the outside world I’m still learning to be more mentally prepared for.

Saturday there was a cast BBQ and when I got to the theater, after a 6 hour tech for my next show, I saw nothing but treats. Literally everything I ate to gain these 20lbs was sitting there; ice cream, brownies, homemade cookies, pizza and chocolate. It was really hard to say no. Really hard. It would have been so easy to say, “Oh I’ll have a tiny bite.” Or just a small spoonful of ice cream. Or a piece of the chocolate bar. I knew it wasn’t going to really hurt me.

Or would it?

I have cheated on every diet I’ve been on. Even when I was a vegan I would cheat and have bakery items I knew had eggs and butter in them. I don’t want to be a cheater any more. I want to be confident that I am strong enough to say “no”. Especially to something as silly and inconsequencial as ice cream. Baby steps to saying no in other parts of my life.

Saturday night was the Seussical girls sleep-over, complete with junk food galore. This time it was all the salty foods I love; chips with french onion dip, carmel sauce, popcorn. I remained strong, eating apple slices and seaweed. I ate more calories than I was supposed to, but they were all approved and I felt that was a win for me. I remained stronger than the food. Even in the morning when it was free food (something I hate saying “no” to) and the hotel had panckae wrapped sausages. I love that! But I said “no”. Because I know that every time I say “no” to the now I am truly saying “yes” to the future.

Sunday morning at tech I was met with donuts, one of my biggest downfalls, and I was tempted once again. But I remained strong. It was REALLY hard!! I was actually surprised at how difficult it was to not eat them. It’s just food!

Then sushi Sunday night with the cast. A revolving sushi bar with every kind of sushi one could want. It was a little piece of heaven! I’m telling you, the universe put up a good fight these past two days. It threw all my favorites at me, yet I remained strong. And I went to sleep on Sunday quite proud of myself.

I didn’t cheat. I didn’t eat the foods I’m not supposed to. I stayed the course and remained strong. This is huge! I succeeded in being true to my goal and trusting that the outcome is worth putting off satisfaction. That is a reallybig deal.

The kicker? And the thing that tells me my lesson is not over? This morning I weighed myself and the scale didn’t move. Not an ounce. However, instead of beating myself up and turning to the sweets with a “What does it matter” attitude, I’m breathing and staying strong and keeping on the food protocol. Drinking more water and trusting the process. The universe tried to derail me again, this time with something it knew would hurt me. I remained strong. I am strong. I WILL do this and I will succeed.

Then I will have celebrate with some soy ice cream!

HCG- Friday success

I weighed myself this morning and had lost another pound (166). It seemed too good to be true. I stared at the number and started to tear up. I am doing this. This weight is coming off. I don’t know why I didn’t believe it would happen. People lose weight all the time. I just don’t feel like I deserve it and that once it happens, what will I do?

Those are two huge things to think about. I don’t deserve it? Who doesn’t deserve to be healthy and happy? Who doesn’t deserve to look great? Who doesn’t deserve to be rewarded for their hard work? What about me makes me feel a sense of shock and fear when I see something I’m working towards start to actually happen. I’m succeeding. So why am I scared?

And the issue of actually completing a task? Finishing something? This is a good thing Amie! This is a great thing, and I will succeed. It’s okay to be good at something and have a tangible outcome.

I’m not sure why I have such a block with this. I’m not sure why it scares me to lose this weight, so succeed, to be happy and have one less obstacle in my life. But it does.

As I look down at my belly, my “trouble spot” I realize I’m comfortable here. That’s no good. I have to get out of this comfort zone. I have to push myself harder and work smarter to lose this weight and become the brilliant working machine I know I can be. I have to go through these painful mental times and push into calm, powerful self esteem. I have quit too many times before because I was afraid to succeed. That has to stop. No more excuses. No more comfortable. No more imaginary issues that hold me back. It’s time to move forward.

HCG- Days 3-5

168.4

Good morning to me! I am so eager to wake up every morning and see what the scale says. This fast dropping is exactly what I need to keep me motivated. And believe me, with a diet that is just veggies, protein and 2 fruits a day, I need all the motivation I can find.

Monday was a difficult day. I woke up with a pounding red wine headache from dinner the night before. The steak house with my girls was so much fun, and exactly what I needed as a “last supper” sort of thing, although my bank account disagrees with me. I spent much of Monday with a headache, which I was ready for. Everything I read said headaches are a side effect. I can handle a headache. It’s a small price to pay for a svelte, healthy figure.

Food on Monday- a grapefruit, 4 melba crackers, sliced chicken breast, green beans, tuna fish, 2 small cucumbers, and an apple. Along with lots of green tea, herbal tea and about a gallon of water. The water is the biggest part. I already drink a lot, but with this eating protocol they ask for even more. So I’m doing it.

I felt tired and awful Monday. No sense in denying it. I wasn’t hungry, but I was a little grumpy. At rehearsal I got a little light headed, but remedied it with more water. I'm sure the lightheaded-ness was more from the mask, gloves and cloak the Witch wears. I'm sweating buckets!

Tuesday was more of the same. Grapefruit, 5 shrimp, cauliflower, sliced chicken, 2 plums, 4 melba crackers, a tomato, water and tea. I added in a few cups of black coffee because I didn’t want the same headache I had on Monday. There are hunger pangs, but nothing that is going to kill me. I truly hate being hungry, but I’m learning it’s not the worst thing in the world. I always have something to eat with me, so when I start to get hungry to the point of sick I just pop in a tomato or cucumber slice. It’s not amazing, but it works. In the past, when I have tried calorie counting diets or deprivation diets, I always give up when I get truly hungry, falling into the “life is too short to be hungry” frame of mind. Life is short. But this eating pattern is only 30 days. I can feel hunger a few times because the pay off is worth it.

Things I’m noticing:

- I feel lighter. Maybe it's all in my head, but I am noticing that I just feel cleaner and less worn down in my body. I no longer feel like I don't fit in my skin. It's a hard thing to explain, but it's there. I also felt this way when I became vegan and gave up dairy. The first few days you really start to feel that layer of lactose clear out of your system. It's wonderful.

- Doesn’t take so much to fill me up. I used to be able to eat an entire medium pizza. I’m not proud of that fact, but it’s good for a comparison. These days I’m eating really small portions more frequently and I have a hard time even finishing an apple. I know I need to eat all my calories for the day so I force myself to finish. Instead of three meals I am having better luck with 6 small meals spaced throughout the day. Plus it gives me something to look forward to.

- The cravings for crap food are still here. I got into some amazingly bad habits these past two months. Drive-thrus on the way home from rehearsal was the worst and I am feeling it this week. I wasn’t really hungry last night on my way home from rehearsal, but I wanted to stop and get something to eat. Simply because I wanted to. So instead I went to the supermarket and bought food to cook and eat for the next three days. Cooking was wonderful. I haven’t cooked for myself in a really long time. I think I had spaghetti in June. Seriously, that’s the last time I made something for myself to eat.

- I’m surprised to find myself less distracted by boys. Apparently I have an obsessive personality and always need to be thinking about how to do something. All of July I was thinking about boys and how to snag one. Apparently August is going to be about food and how I can survive without my bad habits. Boys included.

- I really want a milk shake

I am down three pounds. That is a big deal. This is working. It is difficult. It takes work and planning and commitment. It takes having the strength to tell myself “no” and honestly be okay with it. I am learning a lot about what I need and what I want.

Most importantly, I’m learning that I am worth putting in the effort.

HCG- Days 1&2- Two days of EATING!!

My favorite part of this diet, other than the projected weight loss? Phase 1. During the first two days on the drops you are asked to eat high calorie, high fat foods to stimulate your hypothalamus gland and store up calories with the hormone now in your system. Whipped cream on that? Yes please! Milk shake? Yup. Fries? Well, I don’t usually eat french fries, onion rings are my weakness, but sure! Two days of saying yes to everything.

These two days are also a time to say good bye to foods since the diet is so strict for 30 days. And ultimately I will not return to these negative eating habits, so it’s a true good-bye. Here is what I ate Saturday and Sunday:

Saturday- large blended mocha with whipped cream, two donuts, foot-long Italian subway sandwich with cheese, ravioli, cheese bread, 24oz beer, frozen yogurt, linguine, jack and coke, Taco Bell big box. (whew! That’s a lot of food)

Good bye donuts, blended mochas, Taco Bell and cheesy Italian food.

Sunday- McGriddle, large iced Carmel mocha with whipped cream, 7-11 taquitos, another iced coffee, cheeseburger, strawberry milkshake, filet mignon, Cesar salad, mashed potatoes, mac n cheese, ice cream, bottle of wine and shots.

Goodbye McDonalds, In-n-Out, 7-Eleven, and ice cream

There you go. Food I will not eat again for a month. There are no cheat days on this food plan. Looking at that food list I’m impressed and a little ill. This is not the food of a healthy person. This is someone who doesn’t care and is just eating because she feels she deserves it. No one deserves to treat their body like this. It’s a machine that needs love and nurturing and good fuel. The sad part? I felt great all weekend. No bloating or upset stomach or anything. That only tells me I am in deeper than I thought. My body should be repelling these foods, not accepting them as par for the course.

Tomorrow starts the 1000 calorie days for a month. 30 days of conscious choices and smart food plans. 30 days of getting back in touch with my body, why I eat what I eat and why I feel I “should”. It’s only 30 days of saying “no” and drinking tea instead of beer. 30 days to change my life forever? I can do this. I have to do this.

Here’s to tomorrow!

HCG- Why this one?

After weeks of reading every article online I decided on doing the HCG diet. Trust me, I didn’t enter into this lightly. As a struggling artist and soon to be starving grad student I certainly don’t have the $100 to spend on something other than getting out of debt. And, like always, I wanted to be able to be strong and say “If I just work harder I can do this without paying for programs or anything”. But when I’m honest with myself I see that I am not that strong. I don’t do well with long-term incentives. I promised myself a trip to Vegas and a new white bikini if I lost 20 lbs in 6 months and I couldn’t do it. I’m actually heavier than when I set that goal in January. I know that I need something with lighting fast results that will change my life. HCG sets that standard.

There is a lot of information about the HCG diet. More than I can put here. Plus you’ll want to do your own reading if you’re interested. The gist of the diet is HCG is the hormone that pregnant women use to pull nutrition from their body to feed the fetus. Oor bodies are pretty brilliant. Dr. Simione discovered that if he injected this hormone into non-pregnant people their bodies will start to use the stored calories the same way. Fast forward 54 years and I’m ordering it online. The claim is a woman can lose 20 lbs in a month (men upwards of 30lbs the first month) and keep it off because your body readjusts itself. Like a resetting. I have been this weight for 3 years. I need something to shake things up and get moving in the right direction.

The saying “If it’s too good to be true it probably is” might work with this diet. Afterall, of COURSE I’m going to lose weight quickly. I’m restricting my calories to 1000 a day, cutting out dairy, carbs and sugar. I’m obviosuly going to lose weight. However, the drops (whether placebo effect or true help) are what’s going to keep me in line and successful. I have to take the drops 3 times a day. So three times a day I am forced to re-evaluate what I’m doing and look at my choices. I can’t just blindly go through life any more, not paying attention to the outcome of my actions.

I got the drops this morning and I am ready to roll. I have a vision of what I’m going to look like in 30 days. I have motivation. My co-worker is doing it as well, giving me a burst of support. I am being open and honest with everyone so there is an understanding that this is important to me and I am determined to succeed.

I am doing this!

Time to work through the weight pain

I currently weigh 172.2 pounds. It’s hard for me to write that, let alone put it online where everyone can read it. 172 is an ugly number to me. One that I am not proud of. I see that and all I think is "I'm fat. I can't possibly be that weight. What the hell?!!?"

I don’t look like I weigh that much. I carry myself well, dress for my shape and position myself correctly when I take picture. But I weigh 172 pounds. That's the hard truth and and there’s no reason to hide behind it any more. There is such a stigma to the numbers on the scale and we are raised to never ask a woman’s weight or her age. I want to beat down that notion and learn to be at peace with my weight.

However, being at peace is not the same as being complacent, which is what I have been. Today I weigh the same as I did three years ago when I lost my father. I ate everything with him and then when he died I kept eating, didn’t care about calories or fat or the repercussions. I felt life was too short to say “no” any more and I wanted to enjoy life. And I have. I love my life and the people I share it with. And I know they all love me no matter what the scale says. There is great comfort and support in that.

I have tried diets and working out, Jenny Craig, low-carb and low-calories, personal trainers and endurance event training. Nothing has helped shed these extra 20lbs. I’m certain age is also a factor since I haven’t been able to lose since turning 30. It’s frustrating. I get fired up about losing the weight, read about every diet possible and then a week into it find a reason to stop. Usually it’s because I’m tired of feeling deprived. I won’t lie- more than once I have justified my poor eating with “I don’t have a father, might as well eat.” Or, “I’m going to die in 20 years any way. Why deny myself?” Or, “It’s not worth worrying about; weight doesn’t matter because my dad is gone.” It’s not a pretty picture to paint for myself, but there it is. I have been hiding behind my grief and allowing my weaker self to take over, and it has wreaked havoc on my body. I’m done.

The time has come to work through all the pain and self-esteem issues I am carrying. These extra pounds are all just bad choices. It’s sleeping instead of going to the gym. It’s justifying the drive-thru instead of being honest with myself and saying I don’t really need it. It’s looking for instant gratification with the joy of food instead of learning patience and calm and respect for myself.

It’s time to love myself, and that means putting my food choices and health before the fear that I’m going to miss something. I eat because there is a part of me that truly feels I could die tomorrow so why not enjoy life today. Living in fear is no way to live. I have no interest in dying at 52. I plan to live to be over 100. I have no interest in hiding in flowing skirts and sweatpants because nothing fits. I want to enjoy fashion and my body. I am very comfortable in my skin right now. I have no trouble getting naked in front of people because I accept that this is where my body is now and worrying about it, or hiding “seductively” under a sheet isn’t going to change anything. Part of getting older is accepting where we are in life and who we are, and then working hard to be better. Part of living is seeing there is a way out of any tunnel you’ve dug for yourself. The digging starts now.

I am 172.2 pounds. It’s too heavy for my size. It’s too heavy for my comfort. It’s not who I am. But I'm posting this number so I have a starting place and a jumping off point. This number is going to go down. It's going to change. I want proof that my hard work paid off.

I am not going to quit on myself this time. I'm too important to live half a life.

2011 Goal Check-Up

Happy July!! Know what that means? BBQs, pool parties, the final HP movie (oh my goodness) and this- Amie’s Goal Check Up

I did this last year and found it really helped take stock of the year. Let’s me look at where I’ve been and what I want to accomplish in the next 6 months. I always put out more goals than are probably possible. Not only are there only 24 hours in the day, there are outside influences that hinder or help the goals. Such is the case for this 2011 wrap-up.

Resolutions and Goals are different things. A few years ago I started separating them because I was overwhelming myself with resolutions and then upsetting myself when I didn’t achieve all of them. So I get goals. Some of these goals have been on the list for the past three years and still haven’t been accomplished. (Might be time to reevaluate my goals next year. Set something a little more attainable. But I am learning. I don’t have “Win a Tony” on the goal list this year.

Here are my resolutions for 2011:

Resolutions
- No fast food
- No Soda
- Workout 5x week
- One letter mailed every week

How have I done? Well really, really well for the first five months. Then it kind of all fell apart. Last year I did no fast food and never cheated. Not when I was stressed, sad, hormonally eating or anything. I stayed far away and for Christmas I got to eat In-N-Out. It wasn’t very good so I felt confident in putting that on my list again this year. June saw me eat all the fast food I’ve been wanting to eat. And I paid the price. Upset stomach, bloated feeling all the time and just icky. So, while I did enjoy the 11p In-N-Outs after rehearsal, the next 6 months bring me back to reality and away from the drive-through.

No had soda this year, minus the one day I was throwing up all morning and needed Sprite. But that doesn’t count. It was medicinal. I find that I don’t really miss it, unless I’m looking to mix my Jack with something. And since I always have a Jack and Coke on my father’s birthday, I will have one this month. But then back on the horse.

I have not gone to the gym, per se, 5x a week. But I do work out. Whether it’s rehearsal, a run before rehearsal or stretching while on break from rehearsal, I have kept this one up. Probably the only reason I haven’t gained any weight this year.

One letter mailed? Wow- that one didn’t even get off the ground. I need to get on this. I’ll take July off from worrying about it and then start again in August. I enjoy writing letters and would like to be better about it. However, it’s not going to break my heart if this resolution goes away in 2012.

And my goals?

Goals
- Down to 140lbs and maintain (HA HA HAAAA!! I had an amazing goal for this and absolutely no follow through. I even did a whole blog about it. And a Challenge. Guess what- the wedding is next week and I have not lost a single pound this year. I’ve slimmed out. I’ve toned up. But weight? Still holding strong. So I now have set the goal date as when I leave for school for the 20lbs and then maintain. That I can totally do!)
- Pay off 12k in debt (I have paid off a little over $5000 so far this year. Baby steps.)
- Repay Schwab for massage school (This is going to have to go on the back burner for the rest of the year. Much like my entire massage career.)
- Book a ship or Jubilee (Went to the Jubilee audition and rocked it. But no go. So this will have to wait another year)
- ROCK grad school aud, get accepted (DONE!!! Whew! Cross that OFF the list!)
- Book 5 shows (technically done. Anything Goes, All Shook Up, Seussical, Into the Woods and grad school. Not too shabby of a year)
- Edit movie reel (Also on the back burner. I no longer look, or act, the way I did 10 years ago and shouldn’t send out a reel that doesn’t show who I am now. This goal will be revisited in 2013 when I’m done with school and back in LA pounding the pavement. Unless I’m performing on London’s West End.)
- Run 6 marathons (Hmmm…..still time for this. I have done 1 this year, mostly due to the fact that I have been doing shows. I have run four ½ marathons, which is awesome. I am looking forward to running some beautiful races in Europe)
- New headshots (Again, not really needed right now. I don’t need them for grad school so I’m off the hook for the next year.)
- Straight As in SMC classes (I dropped my SMC classes for spring when I realized I wasn’t going to be able to take my three classes and do a show and work full time. And when I realized I wasn’t going to be a PT any time soon.)
- Write lounge act (Going to work on this in England. What better place to have a cabaret than in a city that doesn’t have a clue who I am?)
- Organize and maintain desk (HA! Again, not so much. It helps that I’m moving this week and it’s all just getting tossed into a box for another year)
- Write, finish, option 3 scripts (Nope)
- Get a dog (Nope. When I found out about school I realized this dream has to be on the back burner as well.)
- Book 5 movies (Nope)
- Buy a good car (YES!! I love my car and I hope I can keep her. She’s so cute!)
- Don’t get further into debt (I succeeded in this as well. Until now. I have a week without money so I’ll have to borrow from MasterCard a little. Oh, and there is the $40k school loan I have pending. That adds a little. But it’s good debt!)

There is the year so far. 17 attainable goals- 4 of which are no longer viable options and are off the list. I have completed 5, a little less than half. Gives me 6 moths to finish out the next 8. Totally doable.
I put this out there to keep myself accountable and to let people see that we all have little oops-s in our planning and goal setting. We all work hard and move forward and try to be better.

We are all in this together. What am I adding for the next 6 months?
- Get to England with great student loans
- Reprogram myself and the way I look at my dating life
- Be kinder to myself
- Successfully move in with Becca and create a wonderful place to live
- Create a student budget and stick to it
- Enoy the rest of the year. I'm taking a HUGE leap in September and all I can do is work hard and make the best of it. That is the ultimate goal.

Here’s to an amazing next 6 months and rocking the rest of 2011!!

White Bikini Challege - May Edition

I have failed beautifully in this!! I mean, not so bad that I am wobbling around dragging my extra chins along behind me. I haven’t gained a single pound in the past three months. However, I haven’t really lost any weight either. I haven’t weighed myself since last Sunday and at that time I was still an least 20 lbs above my goal weight. And I have jeans that don’t fit. And I have a formal that doesn’t fit.

But I also have jeans that are too loose. I have costumes that need to be taken in and I have shorts that look amazing on me.

So the scale isn’t moving quickly. Okay. But it is moving. I have made a few adjustments in my eating this past week and I like the outcome. I haven’t been drinking much at all, except for this past weekend when my show opened. Doing a show tends to toss all dieting logic out the window. I love to drink with people! At least I have stopped drinking alone. For now. But I also have stopped eating carbs after 4p and that is working really well for me. I like how light I feel when I go to sleep at night. I’m eating too much cheese, but that will fade in time. I have to stop with the cheese! In general I’m just eating less, and that’s one of the biggest hurdles to get over.

The bottom line is, I’m slowly (ever so slowly) moving towards my goal. My goal date is July 8 for the wedding and I can do it. But it’s going to take waaaaay more will power than I have shown the past two months. I have to get up and run in the morning. I feel amazing when I do that. There is this awesome sense of accomplishment. I have to drink more water. I have to stop with the cheese. I have to stop with the drinking (which will be easier once my show closes). And I have to keep my eye on the ball.

That white bikini trip to Vegas isn’t my only reward. I also have the promise of a photo shoot, complete with hair and make-up, to show off my hot body. I also have the knowledge that I can complete something. And the pride in actually doing it.

So for anyone who was wondering where the hell I’d gone and if this is still going on- heck yeah it is! There is a white string bikini in my future. And I have two more months to carve the body I need to get into it.

The Great White Bikini Challenge- A Small Victory

Hi there. I am appalled with how long I have gone without writing. I know I promised a blog on the 22nd, but that didn't happen. Trust me, my to-do list for this blog is getting longer every day. There is so much to talk about and tell the world and get down on virtual paper. If it makes you feel any better, I haven't written in my journal in over a month either. What have I been doing?!!? Not working, that's for sure. I am a fan of not having to go to an office every day. Not a fan of a dwindling paycheck. But that's another story.

Today I wanted to quickly check in and tell you about a win. I watch Biggest Loser every week on Hulu.com and it inspires me. I know these people are playing for $250,000 but they are also busting their butts every week. Kicking their own ideas of what they can and can't do and creating new realities for themselves. This week one of the most inspiring people had to leave and I cried with everyone on the show. She has lost 204 lbs. during her yearlong journey. That's more than an entire person! So in honor of her hard work I worked hard too and put my will power to the test.

I didn't have pizza tonight.

Here's the backstory to that. I love pizza. A lot. Who doesn't? And I love finding new pizza that is so good it makes you want to cry. But living alone I got into the bad habit of ordering a large (since it's cheaper than a medium) and then eating until I was disgustingly full. I started this awful habit after my father died. I would go to my apartment, feel awful, order a pizza and eat the whole thing. When I lost the first round of weight with Jenny Craig I got out of the habit and haven't really gone back that way since. This spring I have slipped back down the slide of weight gain.

This ritual plays into everything mentally wrong with my weight loss journey. I feel like I deserve pizza. So I buy one. Then I feel guilty for spending the money on that when I should have gotten real groceries. So then I use the guilt to fuel eating the entire pie so I don't feel like I wasted my money. The entire pie. That's pizza enough for four people and I eat it all. Then I feel this amazing sense of accomplishment and pride. Then the eventual disgust with myself for being so weak and giving in, when saying "no" is always an option.

Tonight I was strong and I said "no" to the pizza. I didn't walk to the parlor (did I mention this pizza place is only three blocks from my house). I didn't spend money I don't have on pizza I don't need. I didn't reward myself for the yard work I did or justify my bingeing in any way. I just told myself "no" every time I thought I pizza. I told myself I didn't need it and I was stronger than the pizza. Keep in mind I also haven't eaten since lunch so pizza was the fast and easy choice. I have a habit of eating a lot of food when I'm alone and I was alone all day. And I'm smack in the middle of the girlie hormone week and logic isn't usually part of the equation. There were a lot of factors working against me in this little test.

Weight loss and changing your life is a step by step journey. Sometimes the steps are huge and the pounds melt off. That isn't happening for me. I haven't lost a pound in over a month. Due mostly to my crappy eating (I also have a weakness for 7-eleven taquitos. My next will power goal is saying "no" to those) and not being motivated to work out because the show kicks my butt four nights a week. Sometimes the steps are small. Tonight I had my small victory. I didn't eat pizza. It's a step.

I ate a crappy lunch and a handful of M&Ms and half a bottle of wine. So it wasn't a win-win day all around. But I broke a habit tonight. I didn't give into my weaker pizza loving side and I said "no" to the pizza. And I feel really good about.

How about you? What are your bad habits? Anything you want to break this year?

Marching Towards a Bikini Body

What you do makes a difference. And you have to decide what kind of a difference you’re going to make.- Jane Goodall

Anyone who knows me knows that I have big dreams. And I sometimes have a plan and I always need a timeline. It’s easier for me to start at the beginning of a calendar something….. the start of a month, start of a year, start of a decade. Yesterday was March 1^st. There is my start.

I currently am overweight. I am easily 20lbs overweight. My BMI puts me into the overweight category. My measurements put me into the overweight category. I have been telling myself that it’s muscle weight and of course I’m going to be a little bigger. I’m training and I do weights. No no no. That lying to myself ends today. Putting it here and admitting it is one step. I can’t hide the facts by saying I carry it well. No- I am 20lbs overweight and it is time to take that off. Hard core here I come.

I am so proud of my body. I do not take it for granted. I am proud I have completed 16 marathons and will finish 17 in less than three weeks. I am thankful that I wake up every morning and can get out of bed without help. I am thankful for the fluid movement and the health of my body. I thank it every day. And I want to do more for it. I want to thank it by making it the best it can be. By taking off the extra strain I put on it and let it work more easily.

Our body is a machine, like a car. I fully believe that. Our body is the most amazing creation I have ever had the pleasure of learning about. Like a car, you have to put fuel into your body to make it run. Who wants to put crap in their car? No one. It amazes me that people take better care of their car than of themselves. Someone will take their car to the shop, the car wash and the detailer, spend $300 to make sure it’s working well and then hit the drive-thru for a burger and fries. Like our cars, our body will run fine for a little while if you put crap into it, but eventually the thing is going to break down. There will be little hints (an extra pound here, loosening one more belt notch, trouble walking up steps there) but they will be so small you won’t even notice it. What’s one donut? What’s the harm in dessert? Some fat is good for you- I read that somewhere, so pass the sour cream please.

That’s all well and good. I fully believe in enjoying life and the desserts that come with it. But we can’t be oblivious. It’s all “just one more bite” until you’re sitting in the doctor’s office complaining about numbness in your toes and you’re told you have diabetes. Or you’re lying flat on your back at the ED because you just had a heart attack. Or stomach pains become pancreatic cancer. Or you just die. We’re all going to die, that isn’t what I’m trying to avoid. I’m trying to make sure I feel this good when I’m 70. And the only way to do that is to take care of the body I have now.

One of my main resolutions for 2010 was no fast food of any kind. No drive-thru, no midnight burgers, no Taco Bell. I’ve been really good about that. But that isn’t to say I haven’t eaten poorly. Trust me, Cheetos and a Snickers bar have been my midnight snack on more than one occasion these past two months. That ends now. March began my no processed sugar, no dairy, no meat brigade. My goal is to return to my vegan ways. I know I can’t do it in one fell swoop. It took me a year to change my lifestyle when I became vegan in 2002. A slow steady change; taking into account the finances ($.50 organic yogurt instead of $1.20 soy yogurt), the busy schedule I keep, and start making the smart choices.

That’s really what it boils down to. Smart choices. Last night I had trail mix instead of cheese. An easy exchange- but I had to make the conscious choice. I had black beans and avocado instead of pizza. Today I had a wheat bagel with peanut butter and banana instead of cream cheese and jam. Small changes that are going to make the big changes.

I am going to get more sleep.

I am going to the gym 5 days a week, even if it’s just for 30 min. I have to.

My goal is to lose 7 lbs by April 1. My actual goal is to lose 10lbs, but I’ll be happy with 7. Baby steps is how I am going to be able to do this.

I am Marching Toward My Bikini Body. That is this months slogan. I am excited to see where my body goes. I’m excited to watch the weight come off. I’m excited to push myself and make this happen. I’m excited to wear my cute clothes again. I am excited for this month.

March on!