Cheating and eating

Being honest is important to me. I want to present my true self to the world and stand behind everything I put out there. Otherwise why be here? Why live this life if not to inspire and help and guide the people around us? Being healthy, and representing a healthy lifestyle, is important to me. I want to inspire people to lead an honest and healthy life. My life’s purpose is starting to take shape and direction.

Today’s blog shows a weaker side of me. My food choices this weekend are not something I’m proud of. They’re also not something I want to hide, making my journey to good health look effortless. We all deal with temptations and choices. We all have low points in our personal journeys. My goal is to show it’s not the end of the world and we always have the choice to pick ourselves up and start over.

I don’t do well with deprivation. I’m fine if I can’t afford something. I’m fine if I want something and it’s not available. I can always make it work out. However, I am not okay if something I want is available, I can afford it and I can’t have it. Not sure what that says about me. Almost like I’m okay with the circumstances that are unchangeable, but if I can change it I will do everything in my power to get what I want.

Including cheat on my eating plan.

Like I mentioned in my last post , I cheated hard core on Sunday. Well, hard core for this low calorie phase of the lifestyle restructuring. I ate poorly with my mother at breakfast, and I loved every minute of it. I said no to the treats at the theater, but on the way home I stopped three times (THREE TIMES) to get something else I craved. I bought a Twix, a Kit-Kat, Spicy Doritos, Sour Cream Cheddar Ruffles, and a piece of red velvet cake. I didn’t eat the full package of any of these foods. I didn’t want them. I just wanted a taste. Of the five things I bought and tasted, the only good one was the Twix.

When I was done I looked at the food in the trash. I’d only eaten quarter of the cake, about 10 chips from each bag, one of the Twix bars, and only a bite of the Kit-Kat. I didn’t feel bad about what I had done. I truly enjoyed every first bite and was proud of myself for stopping when I did. At that point I was so racked with cravings I could have eaten 7-Eleven out of business. But I only had a few bites of each thing and then threw it away. I was more interested in the why.

Why did I do this? Why couldn’t I stop myself from buying everything I wanted? Why did I remain so strong for so long, only to fall so easily? Is there something about me that is so self-destructive I can’t say no, even when my health and well being are on the line? Why do I cheat?

I’m only hurting myself when I do. No one else has a dog in this fight. As a matter of fact, I have so many supporters in this journey it takes my breath away. Cast and crew at the theater, my co-worker, my mother…..I have people around me who are rooting for me and remind me I am worth this. So why, when I’m alone in my car, do I think it’s okay to let myself down?

I don’t know. After thinking about this for a few days I can look back and really think about why. I still don’t have an answer. Because I can? That’s weak. Because it’s there? Weak. Because I want it? Weak. I didn’t need the food. I was hungry, but I could have had an apple.

Maybe I did it to prove that I still have the choice. That I have the opportunity to cheat and I also have the power to give in. I can have the chocolate and the cheese and the fried foods. Go ahead Amie. No one is telling you that you can’t. But how did I feel after? Like a loser. Like a weak loser who was hiding in her car eating crap food like a fugitive. That’s nothing to be proud of. That’s the low.

Writing this now, I think I had to feel that I still have the choice so I can be strong enough to say no. I had to eat those foods again so I could feel that they truly aren’t worth it. I had to get that low in order to see how high I CAN go. I had see that I have the choice to say yes to the food, but the strongest Amie says yes to herself first.

The Strongest Amie eats whole foods and goes for long runs and smiles. The Strong Amie laughs with her friends, cooks fresh dinners and looks to the future. The Strong Amie looks at the choice she made on Sunday and high-fives herself for moving past it and moving on. The Strong Amie has a balance in her life. The Strong Amie is the one who will succeed.

Good luck out there.

HCG Week 3 – 162.4

I cheated this weekend. My mama was in town and we went out to eat. I have been so good! But having her around, feeling the comfort and the knowledge that she’ll love me no matter what I weigh, made it really easy to slip up. She’s so supportive of what I do, even reminding me to keep on track with my food, and I am so grateful for her love. I didn’t do too horribly...... Okay- that’s a lie. I fell apart epically on Sunday and it is chronicled in the next posting. However, when I got on the scale yesterday I was only up .4. (In this game that is a lot.)

So I did an apple day and I’m back on track.

I want my mom to be healthy. It is really hard for me to not pack up everything in a van and move home to be with her and help her and stay get healthy. Since hitting 50 she’s gained a lot of hormone weight and I know it bothers her. I want to be there for her. But since I can’t, I love her from here and support her from here. I have a feeling, with all the changes she is facing these next few months, she will put herself first again and will come around to the lifestyle and body she wants. I want her around for another 20+ years and that’s only going to happen if she’s healthy.

So, thanks to a VERY low calorie diet and the HCG, I’m down 9.2 lbs in two weeks. Not too shabby for someone who has never lost that much in two months. I see some of the physical differences: my clavicle is a bit more pronounced, my cheek bones are a little more defined and my ass is getting perkier. I can see where the weight is coming off, and it is such amazing motivation. Mentally, though, I feel like I am pounding at wall.

It’s a hard concept to try to put into words. I simply can’t feel it. I can’t trust it. I know I need to visualize myself down another 10 lbs, but I can’t seem to even think about it. Almost as soon as I allow myself the happiness of even imagining reaching my goal a dark shadow crosses my mind and I’m stopped. Am I afraid to achieve this? Am I panicking about actually losing the weight? I don’t get it.

Even as I talk to myself in the mirror, motivating myself to drink more water and not eat the cake, I don’t believe it. Even as I give myself pep talks after a slip, telling myself it’s okay and to move forward, all I see is failing and being stuck where I am. Reaching the 150s is completely doable by Friday. And yet I see nothing but cynicism when I say it. I don’t feel the conviction of actually completing this.
Can I really move forward with this experience and fully let go of the Amie that has been walking around all this time? Can I move into the next phase of my physical life and embrace the new me? Can I let go and move forward?

The goal for this week, week 3, is to weigh in under 160. The goal is to confidently reach the 150s. Trust that I deserve it, that I DO have the power to hit that goal and that I am capable of achieving this goal. I have to let go to grab on to the next future.

I have to let go. Bring it.

PS- I feel a little silly even saying these things because I know there are people struggling to lose huge amounts of weight. People who would happily celebrate 10lbs without over-thinking it. I hope this blog doesn't sound pretentious or like I'm trying to be something I'm not. Dealing with this is a real struggle and I can't put my finger on the "why". I'm trying to be the best Amie I can be, and I believe I'll be that without these next 10lbs.

Won't we all just die if it turns out they didn't matter at all?

HCG- Days 3-5

168.4

Good morning to me! I am so eager to wake up every morning and see what the scale says. This fast dropping is exactly what I need to keep me motivated. And believe me, with a diet that is just veggies, protein and 2 fruits a day, I need all the motivation I can find.

Monday was a difficult day. I woke up with a pounding red wine headache from dinner the night before. The steak house with my girls was so much fun, and exactly what I needed as a “last supper” sort of thing, although my bank account disagrees with me. I spent much of Monday with a headache, which I was ready for. Everything I read said headaches are a side effect. I can handle a headache. It’s a small price to pay for a svelte, healthy figure.

Food on Monday- a grapefruit, 4 melba crackers, sliced chicken breast, green beans, tuna fish, 2 small cucumbers, and an apple. Along with lots of green tea, herbal tea and about a gallon of water. The water is the biggest part. I already drink a lot, but with this eating protocol they ask for even more. So I’m doing it.

I felt tired and awful Monday. No sense in denying it. I wasn’t hungry, but I was a little grumpy. At rehearsal I got a little light headed, but remedied it with more water. I'm sure the lightheaded-ness was more from the mask, gloves and cloak the Witch wears. I'm sweating buckets!

Tuesday was more of the same. Grapefruit, 5 shrimp, cauliflower, sliced chicken, 2 plums, 4 melba crackers, a tomato, water and tea. I added in a few cups of black coffee because I didn’t want the same headache I had on Monday. There are hunger pangs, but nothing that is going to kill me. I truly hate being hungry, but I’m learning it’s not the worst thing in the world. I always have something to eat with me, so when I start to get hungry to the point of sick I just pop in a tomato or cucumber slice. It’s not amazing, but it works. In the past, when I have tried calorie counting diets or deprivation diets, I always give up when I get truly hungry, falling into the “life is too short to be hungry” frame of mind. Life is short. But this eating pattern is only 30 days. I can feel hunger a few times because the pay off is worth it.

Things I’m noticing:

- I feel lighter. Maybe it's all in my head, but I am noticing that I just feel cleaner and less worn down in my body. I no longer feel like I don't fit in my skin. It's a hard thing to explain, but it's there. I also felt this way when I became vegan and gave up dairy. The first few days you really start to feel that layer of lactose clear out of your system. It's wonderful.

- Doesn’t take so much to fill me up. I used to be able to eat an entire medium pizza. I’m not proud of that fact, but it’s good for a comparison. These days I’m eating really small portions more frequently and I have a hard time even finishing an apple. I know I need to eat all my calories for the day so I force myself to finish. Instead of three meals I am having better luck with 6 small meals spaced throughout the day. Plus it gives me something to look forward to.

- The cravings for crap food are still here. I got into some amazingly bad habits these past two months. Drive-thrus on the way home from rehearsal was the worst and I am feeling it this week. I wasn’t really hungry last night on my way home from rehearsal, but I wanted to stop and get something to eat. Simply because I wanted to. So instead I went to the supermarket and bought food to cook and eat for the next three days. Cooking was wonderful. I haven’t cooked for myself in a really long time. I think I had spaghetti in June. Seriously, that’s the last time I made something for myself to eat.

- I’m surprised to find myself less distracted by boys. Apparently I have an obsessive personality and always need to be thinking about how to do something. All of July I was thinking about boys and how to snag one. Apparently August is going to be about food and how I can survive without my bad habits. Boys included.

- I really want a milk shake

I am down three pounds. That is a big deal. This is working. It is difficult. It takes work and planning and commitment. It takes having the strength to tell myself “no” and honestly be okay with it. I am learning a lot about what I need and what I want.

Most importantly, I’m learning that I am worth putting in the effort.

HCG- Days 1&2- Two days of EATING!!

My favorite part of this diet, other than the projected weight loss? Phase 1. During the first two days on the drops you are asked to eat high calorie, high fat foods to stimulate your hypothalamus gland and store up calories with the hormone now in your system. Whipped cream on that? Yes please! Milk shake? Yup. Fries? Well, I don’t usually eat french fries, onion rings are my weakness, but sure! Two days of saying yes to everything.

These two days are also a time to say good bye to foods since the diet is so strict for 30 days. And ultimately I will not return to these negative eating habits, so it’s a true good-bye. Here is what I ate Saturday and Sunday:

Saturday- large blended mocha with whipped cream, two donuts, foot-long Italian subway sandwich with cheese, ravioli, cheese bread, 24oz beer, frozen yogurt, linguine, jack and coke, Taco Bell big box. (whew! That’s a lot of food)

Good bye donuts, blended mochas, Taco Bell and cheesy Italian food.

Sunday- McGriddle, large iced Carmel mocha with whipped cream, 7-11 taquitos, another iced coffee, cheeseburger, strawberry milkshake, filet mignon, Cesar salad, mashed potatoes, mac n cheese, ice cream, bottle of wine and shots.

Goodbye McDonalds, In-n-Out, 7-Eleven, and ice cream

There you go. Food I will not eat again for a month. There are no cheat days on this food plan. Looking at that food list I’m impressed and a little ill. This is not the food of a healthy person. This is someone who doesn’t care and is just eating because she feels she deserves it. No one deserves to treat their body like this. It’s a machine that needs love and nurturing and good fuel. The sad part? I felt great all weekend. No bloating or upset stomach or anything. That only tells me I am in deeper than I thought. My body should be repelling these foods, not accepting them as par for the course.

Tomorrow starts the 1000 calorie days for a month. 30 days of conscious choices and smart food plans. 30 days of getting back in touch with my body, why I eat what I eat and why I feel I “should”. It’s only 30 days of saying “no” and drinking tea instead of beer. 30 days to change my life forever? I can do this. I have to do this.

Here’s to tomorrow!

HCG- Why this one?

After weeks of reading every article online I decided on doing the HCG diet. Trust me, I didn’t enter into this lightly. As a struggling artist and soon to be starving grad student I certainly don’t have the $100 to spend on something other than getting out of debt. And, like always, I wanted to be able to be strong and say “If I just work harder I can do this without paying for programs or anything”. But when I’m honest with myself I see that I am not that strong. I don’t do well with long-term incentives. I promised myself a trip to Vegas and a new white bikini if I lost 20 lbs in 6 months and I couldn’t do it. I’m actually heavier than when I set that goal in January. I know that I need something with lighting fast results that will change my life. HCG sets that standard.

There is a lot of information about the HCG diet. More than I can put here. Plus you’ll want to do your own reading if you’re interested. The gist of the diet is HCG is the hormone that pregnant women use to pull nutrition from their body to feed the fetus. Oor bodies are pretty brilliant. Dr. Simione discovered that if he injected this hormone into non-pregnant people their bodies will start to use the stored calories the same way. Fast forward 54 years and I’m ordering it online. The claim is a woman can lose 20 lbs in a month (men upwards of 30lbs the first month) and keep it off because your body readjusts itself. Like a resetting. I have been this weight for 3 years. I need something to shake things up and get moving in the right direction.

The saying “If it’s too good to be true it probably is” might work with this diet. Afterall, of COURSE I’m going to lose weight quickly. I’m restricting my calories to 1000 a day, cutting out dairy, carbs and sugar. I’m obviosuly going to lose weight. However, the drops (whether placebo effect or true help) are what’s going to keep me in line and successful. I have to take the drops 3 times a day. So three times a day I am forced to re-evaluate what I’m doing and look at my choices. I can’t just blindly go through life any more, not paying attention to the outcome of my actions.

I got the drops this morning and I am ready to roll. I have a vision of what I’m going to look like in 30 days. I have motivation. My co-worker is doing it as well, giving me a burst of support. I am being open and honest with everyone so there is an understanding that this is important to me and I am determined to succeed.

I am doing this!

Time to work through the weight pain

I currently weigh 172.2 pounds. It’s hard for me to write that, let alone put it online where everyone can read it. 172 is an ugly number to me. One that I am not proud of. I see that and all I think is "I'm fat. I can't possibly be that weight. What the hell?!!?"

I don’t look like I weigh that much. I carry myself well, dress for my shape and position myself correctly when I take picture. But I weigh 172 pounds. That's the hard truth and and there’s no reason to hide behind it any more. There is such a stigma to the numbers on the scale and we are raised to never ask a woman’s weight or her age. I want to beat down that notion and learn to be at peace with my weight.

However, being at peace is not the same as being complacent, which is what I have been. Today I weigh the same as I did three years ago when I lost my father. I ate everything with him and then when he died I kept eating, didn’t care about calories or fat or the repercussions. I felt life was too short to say “no” any more and I wanted to enjoy life. And I have. I love my life and the people I share it with. And I know they all love me no matter what the scale says. There is great comfort and support in that.

I have tried diets and working out, Jenny Craig, low-carb and low-calories, personal trainers and endurance event training. Nothing has helped shed these extra 20lbs. I’m certain age is also a factor since I haven’t been able to lose since turning 30. It’s frustrating. I get fired up about losing the weight, read about every diet possible and then a week into it find a reason to stop. Usually it’s because I’m tired of feeling deprived. I won’t lie- more than once I have justified my poor eating with “I don’t have a father, might as well eat.” Or, “I’m going to die in 20 years any way. Why deny myself?” Or, “It’s not worth worrying about; weight doesn’t matter because my dad is gone.” It’s not a pretty picture to paint for myself, but there it is. I have been hiding behind my grief and allowing my weaker self to take over, and it has wreaked havoc on my body. I’m done.

The time has come to work through all the pain and self-esteem issues I am carrying. These extra pounds are all just bad choices. It’s sleeping instead of going to the gym. It’s justifying the drive-thru instead of being honest with myself and saying I don’t really need it. It’s looking for instant gratification with the joy of food instead of learning patience and calm and respect for myself.

It’s time to love myself, and that means putting my food choices and health before the fear that I’m going to miss something. I eat because there is a part of me that truly feels I could die tomorrow so why not enjoy life today. Living in fear is no way to live. I have no interest in dying at 52. I plan to live to be over 100. I have no interest in hiding in flowing skirts and sweatpants because nothing fits. I want to enjoy fashion and my body. I am very comfortable in my skin right now. I have no trouble getting naked in front of people because I accept that this is where my body is now and worrying about it, or hiding “seductively” under a sheet isn’t going to change anything. Part of getting older is accepting where we are in life and who we are, and then working hard to be better. Part of living is seeing there is a way out of any tunnel you’ve dug for yourself. The digging starts now.

I am 172.2 pounds. It’s too heavy for my size. It’s too heavy for my comfort. It’s not who I am. But I'm posting this number so I have a starting place and a jumping off point. This number is going to go down. It's going to change. I want proof that my hard work paid off.

I am not going to quit on myself this time. I'm too important to live half a life.

The Great White Bikini Challenge- A Small Victory

Hi there. I am appalled with how long I have gone without writing. I know I promised a blog on the 22nd, but that didn't happen. Trust me, my to-do list for this blog is getting longer every day. There is so much to talk about and tell the world and get down on virtual paper. If it makes you feel any better, I haven't written in my journal in over a month either. What have I been doing?!!? Not working, that's for sure. I am a fan of not having to go to an office every day. Not a fan of a dwindling paycheck. But that's another story.

Today I wanted to quickly check in and tell you about a win. I watch Biggest Loser every week on Hulu.com and it inspires me. I know these people are playing for $250,000 but they are also busting their butts every week. Kicking their own ideas of what they can and can't do and creating new realities for themselves. This week one of the most inspiring people had to leave and I cried with everyone on the show. She has lost 204 lbs. during her yearlong journey. That's more than an entire person! So in honor of her hard work I worked hard too and put my will power to the test.

I didn't have pizza tonight.

Here's the backstory to that. I love pizza. A lot. Who doesn't? And I love finding new pizza that is so good it makes you want to cry. But living alone I got into the bad habit of ordering a large (since it's cheaper than a medium) and then eating until I was disgustingly full. I started this awful habit after my father died. I would go to my apartment, feel awful, order a pizza and eat the whole thing. When I lost the first round of weight with Jenny Craig I got out of the habit and haven't really gone back that way since. This spring I have slipped back down the slide of weight gain.

This ritual plays into everything mentally wrong with my weight loss journey. I feel like I deserve pizza. So I buy one. Then I feel guilty for spending the money on that when I should have gotten real groceries. So then I use the guilt to fuel eating the entire pie so I don't feel like I wasted my money. The entire pie. That's pizza enough for four people and I eat it all. Then I feel this amazing sense of accomplishment and pride. Then the eventual disgust with myself for being so weak and giving in, when saying "no" is always an option.

Tonight I was strong and I said "no" to the pizza. I didn't walk to the parlor (did I mention this pizza place is only three blocks from my house). I didn't spend money I don't have on pizza I don't need. I didn't reward myself for the yard work I did or justify my bingeing in any way. I just told myself "no" every time I thought I pizza. I told myself I didn't need it and I was stronger than the pizza. Keep in mind I also haven't eaten since lunch so pizza was the fast and easy choice. I have a habit of eating a lot of food when I'm alone and I was alone all day. And I'm smack in the middle of the girlie hormone week and logic isn't usually part of the equation. There were a lot of factors working against me in this little test.

Weight loss and changing your life is a step by step journey. Sometimes the steps are huge and the pounds melt off. That isn't happening for me. I haven't lost a pound in over a month. Due mostly to my crappy eating (I also have a weakness for 7-eleven taquitos. My next will power goal is saying "no" to those) and not being motivated to work out because the show kicks my butt four nights a week. Sometimes the steps are small. Tonight I had my small victory. I didn't eat pizza. It's a step.

I ate a crappy lunch and a handful of M&Ms and half a bottle of wine. So it wasn't a win-win day all around. But I broke a habit tonight. I didn't give into my weaker pizza loving side and I said "no" to the pizza. And I feel really good about.

How about you? What are your bad habits? Anything you want to break this year?