HCG Week 3 – 162.4

I cheated this weekend. My mama was in town and we went out to eat. I have been so good! But having her around, feeling the comfort and the knowledge that she’ll love me no matter what I weigh, made it really easy to slip up. She’s so supportive of what I do, even reminding me to keep on track with my food, and I am so grateful for her love. I didn’t do too horribly...... Okay- that’s a lie. I fell apart epically on Sunday and it is chronicled in the next posting. However, when I got on the scale yesterday I was only up .4. (In this game that is a lot.)

So I did an apple day and I’m back on track.

I want my mom to be healthy. It is really hard for me to not pack up everything in a van and move home to be with her and help her and stay get healthy. Since hitting 50 she’s gained a lot of hormone weight and I know it bothers her. I want to be there for her. But since I can’t, I love her from here and support her from here. I have a feeling, with all the changes she is facing these next few months, she will put herself first again and will come around to the lifestyle and body she wants. I want her around for another 20+ years and that’s only going to happen if she’s healthy.

So, thanks to a VERY low calorie diet and the HCG, I’m down 9.2 lbs in two weeks. Not too shabby for someone who has never lost that much in two months. I see some of the physical differences: my clavicle is a bit more pronounced, my cheek bones are a little more defined and my ass is getting perkier. I can see where the weight is coming off, and it is such amazing motivation. Mentally, though, I feel like I am pounding at wall.

It’s a hard concept to try to put into words. I simply can’t feel it. I can’t trust it. I know I need to visualize myself down another 10 lbs, but I can’t seem to even think about it. Almost as soon as I allow myself the happiness of even imagining reaching my goal a dark shadow crosses my mind and I’m stopped. Am I afraid to achieve this? Am I panicking about actually losing the weight? I don’t get it.

Even as I talk to myself in the mirror, motivating myself to drink more water and not eat the cake, I don’t believe it. Even as I give myself pep talks after a slip, telling myself it’s okay and to move forward, all I see is failing and being stuck where I am. Reaching the 150s is completely doable by Friday. And yet I see nothing but cynicism when I say it. I don’t feel the conviction of actually completing this.
Can I really move forward with this experience and fully let go of the Amie that has been walking around all this time? Can I move into the next phase of my physical life and embrace the new me? Can I let go and move forward?

The goal for this week, week 3, is to weigh in under 160. The goal is to confidently reach the 150s. Trust that I deserve it, that I DO have the power to hit that goal and that I am capable of achieving this goal. I have to let go to grab on to the next future.

I have to let go. Bring it.

PS- I feel a little silly even saying these things because I know there are people struggling to lose huge amounts of weight. People who would happily celebrate 10lbs without over-thinking it. I hope this blog doesn't sound pretentious or like I'm trying to be something I'm not. Dealing with this is a real struggle and I can't put my finger on the "why". I'm trying to be the best Amie I can be, and I believe I'll be that without these next 10lbs.

Won't we all just die if it turns out they didn't matter at all?

HCG Week 2 – Yes To the Future

Here we go. I am down 6 lbs this week (165.4) and am really excited to see what happens next. I just need to stay the course and keep strong.

Keep strong.

That’s not easy. Over the weekend I was tempted a LOT. Breaking the habit of eating at drive-thrus after rehearsal only took a few days. You just put the blinders on and drive home. Breaking the habit of taquitos and an iced tea before shows was easy. You just stop going to 7-eleven. I knew those habits were coming. It’s the surprise attacks from the outside world I’m still learning to be more mentally prepared for.

Saturday there was a cast BBQ and when I got to the theater, after a 6 hour tech for my next show, I saw nothing but treats. Literally everything I ate to gain these 20lbs was sitting there; ice cream, brownies, homemade cookies, pizza and chocolate. It was really hard to say no. Really hard. It would have been so easy to say, “Oh I’ll have a tiny bite.” Or just a small spoonful of ice cream. Or a piece of the chocolate bar. I knew it wasn’t going to really hurt me.

Or would it?

I have cheated on every diet I’ve been on. Even when I was a vegan I would cheat and have bakery items I knew had eggs and butter in them. I don’t want to be a cheater any more. I want to be confident that I am strong enough to say “no”. Especially to something as silly and inconsequencial as ice cream. Baby steps to saying no in other parts of my life.

Saturday night was the Seussical girls sleep-over, complete with junk food galore. This time it was all the salty foods I love; chips with french onion dip, carmel sauce, popcorn. I remained strong, eating apple slices and seaweed. I ate more calories than I was supposed to, but they were all approved and I felt that was a win for me. I remained stronger than the food. Even in the morning when it was free food (something I hate saying “no” to) and the hotel had panckae wrapped sausages. I love that! But I said “no”. Because I know that every time I say “no” to the now I am truly saying “yes” to the future.

Sunday morning at tech I was met with donuts, one of my biggest downfalls, and I was tempted once again. But I remained strong. It was REALLY hard!! I was actually surprised at how difficult it was to not eat them. It’s just food!

Then sushi Sunday night with the cast. A revolving sushi bar with every kind of sushi one could want. It was a little piece of heaven! I’m telling you, the universe put up a good fight these past two days. It threw all my favorites at me, yet I remained strong. And I went to sleep on Sunday quite proud of myself.

I didn’t cheat. I didn’t eat the foods I’m not supposed to. I stayed the course and remained strong. This is huge! I succeeded in being true to my goal and trusting that the outcome is worth putting off satisfaction. That is a reallybig deal.

The kicker? And the thing that tells me my lesson is not over? This morning I weighed myself and the scale didn’t move. Not an ounce. However, instead of beating myself up and turning to the sweets with a “What does it matter” attitude, I’m breathing and staying strong and keeping on the food protocol. Drinking more water and trusting the process. The universe tried to derail me again, this time with something it knew would hurt me. I remained strong. I am strong. I WILL do this and I will succeed.

Then I will have celebrate with some soy ice cream!

HCG- Friday success

I weighed myself this morning and had lost another pound (166). It seemed too good to be true. I stared at the number and started to tear up. I am doing this. This weight is coming off. I don’t know why I didn’t believe it would happen. People lose weight all the time. I just don’t feel like I deserve it and that once it happens, what will I do?

Those are two huge things to think about. I don’t deserve it? Who doesn’t deserve to be healthy and happy? Who doesn’t deserve to look great? Who doesn’t deserve to be rewarded for their hard work? What about me makes me feel a sense of shock and fear when I see something I’m working towards start to actually happen. I’m succeeding. So why am I scared?

And the issue of actually completing a task? Finishing something? This is a good thing Amie! This is a great thing, and I will succeed. It’s okay to be good at something and have a tangible outcome.

I’m not sure why I have such a block with this. I’m not sure why it scares me to lose this weight, so succeed, to be happy and have one less obstacle in my life. But it does.

As I look down at my belly, my “trouble spot” I realize I’m comfortable here. That’s no good. I have to get out of this comfort zone. I have to push myself harder and work smarter to lose this weight and become the brilliant working machine I know I can be. I have to go through these painful mental times and push into calm, powerful self esteem. I have quit too many times before because I was afraid to succeed. That has to stop. No more excuses. No more comfortable. No more imaginary issues that hold me back. It’s time to move forward.

HCG- Days 3-5

168.4

Good morning to me! I am so eager to wake up every morning and see what the scale says. This fast dropping is exactly what I need to keep me motivated. And believe me, with a diet that is just veggies, protein and 2 fruits a day, I need all the motivation I can find.

Monday was a difficult day. I woke up with a pounding red wine headache from dinner the night before. The steak house with my girls was so much fun, and exactly what I needed as a “last supper” sort of thing, although my bank account disagrees with me. I spent much of Monday with a headache, which I was ready for. Everything I read said headaches are a side effect. I can handle a headache. It’s a small price to pay for a svelte, healthy figure.

Food on Monday- a grapefruit, 4 melba crackers, sliced chicken breast, green beans, tuna fish, 2 small cucumbers, and an apple. Along with lots of green tea, herbal tea and about a gallon of water. The water is the biggest part. I already drink a lot, but with this eating protocol they ask for even more. So I’m doing it.

I felt tired and awful Monday. No sense in denying it. I wasn’t hungry, but I was a little grumpy. At rehearsal I got a little light headed, but remedied it with more water. I'm sure the lightheaded-ness was more from the mask, gloves and cloak the Witch wears. I'm sweating buckets!

Tuesday was more of the same. Grapefruit, 5 shrimp, cauliflower, sliced chicken, 2 plums, 4 melba crackers, a tomato, water and tea. I added in a few cups of black coffee because I didn’t want the same headache I had on Monday. There are hunger pangs, but nothing that is going to kill me. I truly hate being hungry, but I’m learning it’s not the worst thing in the world. I always have something to eat with me, so when I start to get hungry to the point of sick I just pop in a tomato or cucumber slice. It’s not amazing, but it works. In the past, when I have tried calorie counting diets or deprivation diets, I always give up when I get truly hungry, falling into the “life is too short to be hungry” frame of mind. Life is short. But this eating pattern is only 30 days. I can feel hunger a few times because the pay off is worth it.

Things I’m noticing:

- I feel lighter. Maybe it's all in my head, but I am noticing that I just feel cleaner and less worn down in my body. I no longer feel like I don't fit in my skin. It's a hard thing to explain, but it's there. I also felt this way when I became vegan and gave up dairy. The first few days you really start to feel that layer of lactose clear out of your system. It's wonderful.

- Doesn’t take so much to fill me up. I used to be able to eat an entire medium pizza. I’m not proud of that fact, but it’s good for a comparison. These days I’m eating really small portions more frequently and I have a hard time even finishing an apple. I know I need to eat all my calories for the day so I force myself to finish. Instead of three meals I am having better luck with 6 small meals spaced throughout the day. Plus it gives me something to look forward to.

- The cravings for crap food are still here. I got into some amazingly bad habits these past two months. Drive-thrus on the way home from rehearsal was the worst and I am feeling it this week. I wasn’t really hungry last night on my way home from rehearsal, but I wanted to stop and get something to eat. Simply because I wanted to. So instead I went to the supermarket and bought food to cook and eat for the next three days. Cooking was wonderful. I haven’t cooked for myself in a really long time. I think I had spaghetti in June. Seriously, that’s the last time I made something for myself to eat.

- I’m surprised to find myself less distracted by boys. Apparently I have an obsessive personality and always need to be thinking about how to do something. All of July I was thinking about boys and how to snag one. Apparently August is going to be about food and how I can survive without my bad habits. Boys included.

- I really want a milk shake

I am down three pounds. That is a big deal. This is working. It is difficult. It takes work and planning and commitment. It takes having the strength to tell myself “no” and honestly be okay with it. I am learning a lot about what I need and what I want.

Most importantly, I’m learning that I am worth putting in the effort.

HCG- Days 1&2- Two days of EATING!!

My favorite part of this diet, other than the projected weight loss? Phase 1. During the first two days on the drops you are asked to eat high calorie, high fat foods to stimulate your hypothalamus gland and store up calories with the hormone now in your system. Whipped cream on that? Yes please! Milk shake? Yup. Fries? Well, I don’t usually eat french fries, onion rings are my weakness, but sure! Two days of saying yes to everything.

These two days are also a time to say good bye to foods since the diet is so strict for 30 days. And ultimately I will not return to these negative eating habits, so it’s a true good-bye. Here is what I ate Saturday and Sunday:

Saturday- large blended mocha with whipped cream, two donuts, foot-long Italian subway sandwich with cheese, ravioli, cheese bread, 24oz beer, frozen yogurt, linguine, jack and coke, Taco Bell big box. (whew! That’s a lot of food)

Good bye donuts, blended mochas, Taco Bell and cheesy Italian food.

Sunday- McGriddle, large iced Carmel mocha with whipped cream, 7-11 taquitos, another iced coffee, cheeseburger, strawberry milkshake, filet mignon, Cesar salad, mashed potatoes, mac n cheese, ice cream, bottle of wine and shots.

Goodbye McDonalds, In-n-Out, 7-Eleven, and ice cream

There you go. Food I will not eat again for a month. There are no cheat days on this food plan. Looking at that food list I’m impressed and a little ill. This is not the food of a healthy person. This is someone who doesn’t care and is just eating because she feels she deserves it. No one deserves to treat their body like this. It’s a machine that needs love and nurturing and good fuel. The sad part? I felt great all weekend. No bloating or upset stomach or anything. That only tells me I am in deeper than I thought. My body should be repelling these foods, not accepting them as par for the course.

Tomorrow starts the 1000 calorie days for a month. 30 days of conscious choices and smart food plans. 30 days of getting back in touch with my body, why I eat what I eat and why I feel I “should”. It’s only 30 days of saying “no” and drinking tea instead of beer. 30 days to change my life forever? I can do this. I have to do this.

Here’s to tomorrow!

HCG- Why this one?

After weeks of reading every article online I decided on doing the HCG diet. Trust me, I didn’t enter into this lightly. As a struggling artist and soon to be starving grad student I certainly don’t have the $100 to spend on something other than getting out of debt. And, like always, I wanted to be able to be strong and say “If I just work harder I can do this without paying for programs or anything”. But when I’m honest with myself I see that I am not that strong. I don’t do well with long-term incentives. I promised myself a trip to Vegas and a new white bikini if I lost 20 lbs in 6 months and I couldn’t do it. I’m actually heavier than when I set that goal in January. I know that I need something with lighting fast results that will change my life. HCG sets that standard.

There is a lot of information about the HCG diet. More than I can put here. Plus you’ll want to do your own reading if you’re interested. The gist of the diet is HCG is the hormone that pregnant women use to pull nutrition from their body to feed the fetus. Oor bodies are pretty brilliant. Dr. Simione discovered that if he injected this hormone into non-pregnant people their bodies will start to use the stored calories the same way. Fast forward 54 years and I’m ordering it online. The claim is a woman can lose 20 lbs in a month (men upwards of 30lbs the first month) and keep it off because your body readjusts itself. Like a resetting. I have been this weight for 3 years. I need something to shake things up and get moving in the right direction.

The saying “If it’s too good to be true it probably is” might work with this diet. Afterall, of COURSE I’m going to lose weight quickly. I’m restricting my calories to 1000 a day, cutting out dairy, carbs and sugar. I’m obviosuly going to lose weight. However, the drops (whether placebo effect or true help) are what’s going to keep me in line and successful. I have to take the drops 3 times a day. So three times a day I am forced to re-evaluate what I’m doing and look at my choices. I can’t just blindly go through life any more, not paying attention to the outcome of my actions.

I got the drops this morning and I am ready to roll. I have a vision of what I’m going to look like in 30 days. I have motivation. My co-worker is doing it as well, giving me a burst of support. I am being open and honest with everyone so there is an understanding that this is important to me and I am determined to succeed.

I am doing this!