Cheating and eating

Being honest is important to me. I want to present my true self to the world and stand behind everything I put out there. Otherwise why be here? Why live this life if not to inspire and help and guide the people around us? Being healthy, and representing a healthy lifestyle, is important to me. I want to inspire people to lead an honest and healthy life. My life’s purpose is starting to take shape and direction.

Today’s blog shows a weaker side of me. My food choices this weekend are not something I’m proud of. They’re also not something I want to hide, making my journey to good health look effortless. We all deal with temptations and choices. We all have low points in our personal journeys. My goal is to show it’s not the end of the world and we always have the choice to pick ourselves up and start over.

I don’t do well with deprivation. I’m fine if I can’t afford something. I’m fine if I want something and it’s not available. I can always make it work out. However, I am not okay if something I want is available, I can afford it and I can’t have it. Not sure what that says about me. Almost like I’m okay with the circumstances that are unchangeable, but if I can change it I will do everything in my power to get what I want.

Including cheat on my eating plan.

Like I mentioned in my last post , I cheated hard core on Sunday. Well, hard core for this low calorie phase of the lifestyle restructuring. I ate poorly with my mother at breakfast, and I loved every minute of it. I said no to the treats at the theater, but on the way home I stopped three times (THREE TIMES) to get something else I craved. I bought a Twix, a Kit-Kat, Spicy Doritos, Sour Cream Cheddar Ruffles, and a piece of red velvet cake. I didn’t eat the full package of any of these foods. I didn’t want them. I just wanted a taste. Of the five things I bought and tasted, the only good one was the Twix.

When I was done I looked at the food in the trash. I’d only eaten quarter of the cake, about 10 chips from each bag, one of the Twix bars, and only a bite of the Kit-Kat. I didn’t feel bad about what I had done. I truly enjoyed every first bite and was proud of myself for stopping when I did. At that point I was so racked with cravings I could have eaten 7-Eleven out of business. But I only had a few bites of each thing and then threw it away. I was more interested in the why.

Why did I do this? Why couldn’t I stop myself from buying everything I wanted? Why did I remain so strong for so long, only to fall so easily? Is there something about me that is so self-destructive I can’t say no, even when my health and well being are on the line? Why do I cheat?

I’m only hurting myself when I do. No one else has a dog in this fight. As a matter of fact, I have so many supporters in this journey it takes my breath away. Cast and crew at the theater, my co-worker, my mother…..I have people around me who are rooting for me and remind me I am worth this. So why, when I’m alone in my car, do I think it’s okay to let myself down?

I don’t know. After thinking about this for a few days I can look back and really think about why. I still don’t have an answer. Because I can? That’s weak. Because it’s there? Weak. Because I want it? Weak. I didn’t need the food. I was hungry, but I could have had an apple.

Maybe I did it to prove that I still have the choice. That I have the opportunity to cheat and I also have the power to give in. I can have the chocolate and the cheese and the fried foods. Go ahead Amie. No one is telling you that you can’t. But how did I feel after? Like a loser. Like a weak loser who was hiding in her car eating crap food like a fugitive. That’s nothing to be proud of. That’s the low.

Writing this now, I think I had to feel that I still have the choice so I can be strong enough to say no. I had to eat those foods again so I could feel that they truly aren’t worth it. I had to get that low in order to see how high I CAN go. I had see that I have the choice to say yes to the food, but the strongest Amie says yes to herself first.

The Strongest Amie eats whole foods and goes for long runs and smiles. The Strong Amie laughs with her friends, cooks fresh dinners and looks to the future. The Strong Amie looks at the choice she made on Sunday and high-fives herself for moving past it and moving on. The Strong Amie has a balance in her life. The Strong Amie is the one who will succeed.

Good luck out there.

HCG Week 3 – 162.4

I cheated this weekend. My mama was in town and we went out to eat. I have been so good! But having her around, feeling the comfort and the knowledge that she’ll love me no matter what I weigh, made it really easy to slip up. She’s so supportive of what I do, even reminding me to keep on track with my food, and I am so grateful for her love. I didn’t do too horribly...... Okay- that’s a lie. I fell apart epically on Sunday and it is chronicled in the next posting. However, when I got on the scale yesterday I was only up .4. (In this game that is a lot.)

So I did an apple day and I’m back on track.

I want my mom to be healthy. It is really hard for me to not pack up everything in a van and move home to be with her and help her and stay get healthy. Since hitting 50 she’s gained a lot of hormone weight and I know it bothers her. I want to be there for her. But since I can’t, I love her from here and support her from here. I have a feeling, with all the changes she is facing these next few months, she will put herself first again and will come around to the lifestyle and body she wants. I want her around for another 20+ years and that’s only going to happen if she’s healthy.

So, thanks to a VERY low calorie diet and the HCG, I’m down 9.2 lbs in two weeks. Not too shabby for someone who has never lost that much in two months. I see some of the physical differences: my clavicle is a bit more pronounced, my cheek bones are a little more defined and my ass is getting perkier. I can see where the weight is coming off, and it is such amazing motivation. Mentally, though, I feel like I am pounding at wall.

It’s a hard concept to try to put into words. I simply can’t feel it. I can’t trust it. I know I need to visualize myself down another 10 lbs, but I can’t seem to even think about it. Almost as soon as I allow myself the happiness of even imagining reaching my goal a dark shadow crosses my mind and I’m stopped. Am I afraid to achieve this? Am I panicking about actually losing the weight? I don’t get it.

Even as I talk to myself in the mirror, motivating myself to drink more water and not eat the cake, I don’t believe it. Even as I give myself pep talks after a slip, telling myself it’s okay and to move forward, all I see is failing and being stuck where I am. Reaching the 150s is completely doable by Friday. And yet I see nothing but cynicism when I say it. I don’t feel the conviction of actually completing this.
Can I really move forward with this experience and fully let go of the Amie that has been walking around all this time? Can I move into the next phase of my physical life and embrace the new me? Can I let go and move forward?

The goal for this week, week 3, is to weigh in under 160. The goal is to confidently reach the 150s. Trust that I deserve it, that I DO have the power to hit that goal and that I am capable of achieving this goal. I have to let go to grab on to the next future.

I have to let go. Bring it.

PS- I feel a little silly even saying these things because I know there are people struggling to lose huge amounts of weight. People who would happily celebrate 10lbs without over-thinking it. I hope this blog doesn't sound pretentious or like I'm trying to be something I'm not. Dealing with this is a real struggle and I can't put my finger on the "why". I'm trying to be the best Amie I can be, and I believe I'll be that without these next 10lbs.

Won't we all just die if it turns out they didn't matter at all?