For most of the summer I weighed myself. I was doing the HCG diet where you weigh yourself every day. It was wonderful to watch the weight come off so quickly. However, it was not as much fun to watch the weight come back on. I have weighed myself at LEAST weekly for the past three years. There wasn't a day goes by I didn't know how much I weighed within 2 pounds. I was both frustrated and motivated by these numbers but felt I was healthy and aware. I felt in control and powerful because if nothing else, I knew what I weighed.
Guess what I don't have here in the UK. A scale.
It didn't even occur to me until about two weeks of being here. I baby sat for a fellow student and they have a scale in their bathroom. It was like meeting an old friend you used to know very well. I was so tempted to step on it and see what my number was, when I stopped myself. I didn't want to know. Even more than that, I didn't need to know.
My pants are looser, forcing me to wear the belt I brought with me. My tops hang better and my sweaters don't stretch across my middle. My clothes feel comfortable and, dare I say, almost too big for me.
I am sleeping well and not getting sick, minus a few sniffles here and there. I am not breaking out or feeling greasy or weighed down. I am regular and I feel great. I have maintained the vegetarian diet and I love how I feel. I treat myself to a beer when I want one and chocolate when I want those. I eat a lot of food out of a can, because it stays on the shelfs longer, but I also eat an apple every day and greens every day. I drink three liters of water every day at school and then more when I get home. I haven't counted my calories since I got here, nor have I weighed myself.
And I feel great.
There is a part of me that cannot wait to get home and step on that scale. I know I have lost weight and I would love to know the number that goes with that to validate my "hard work". But more than that, I know I am healthy. Losing the scale obsession has been a true gift and something I really enjoy. I like now knowing. I like having to guess. I like that I can go back to imagining I'm in the 150s and loving my body. This is amazing! I am falling in love with myself and it feels so good.
Now, off for more tea!!
Showing posts with label self esteem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self esteem. Show all posts
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Just Another Day at the Gym
Let me introduce you to Jorge. He frequents the 24 Hour Fitness in Elk Grove and is usually the only man in the class. I met him the first time on a Friday and I immediately positioned myself at the other side of the room. I am pretty good at reading people and knowing if I will or won’t get along with someone. Jorge knows the instructor and people in the class. He’s not bad looking, for a 50 yr old Asian man able to come to a 9a weight class on a work day. I don’t really think about him as an important person in my life, finish the class and put him out of my mind.
After a weekend of not being able to walk because of the class, Monday finds me sharing space with Jorge again. The class counts out groups and we end up in the same boot camp rotation. Here is my interaction with Jorge:
J: Maybe I should be on the other side so I can lead us.
A: What? No thank you. I’m okay here.
J: I’ve taken this class before.
A: Okay. I’m still okay here.
We do the jump rope section. He hands me the rope he “thinks I should be using” since he’s so much taller than I am. Argh!
Move to the mats for plank. Each section is a minute rotation and there is no need for any talking or interaction. Jorge doesn’t seem to understand this.
J: You should stay on the mat. It’s easier.
A: I’m okay. Thanks.
J: You’re form will be better if you use a mat.
A: Really okay. Thank you.
Move to the tri-cep station
J: I need the bigger weights.
A: (thinking to myself: Of course you do)
Move to the tuck jump station.
J: I’m going to go in front of you since I’ll go faster.
A: No. I’ll go first. You can wait. (What? Who is this woman? I smile at my strength in holding my station and not bowing to him. There is no reason he needs to be in front of me and I refuse to be someone he walks over.)
J: But I’m faster than you.
A: You can wait. It’s okay.
Instructor calls over: You should let Jorge go in front of you. He’ll run you over.
A: Nope. I told him he can wait. But thank you.
Inst: Oh.....okay.
We do the tuck jumps and halfway through he steps out because he hurts him back. I’m not surprised considering he did the jumps with such force I almost laughed. High jump all the way down to full plie. What is he thinking? I smile to myself as he stands and has to wait for me to finish my perfectly formed tuck jumps. Without the male ego.
We move to the push ups, which are uneventful. The next two stations are wordless. I have made my point that I don’t want to interact with him and he isn’t going to step on me or my work out.
We get to the jump ropes again for cycle two.
J: If you had let me go in front of you, I wouldn’t have hurt my back.
A: (Jumping rope) What?
J: (not jumping rope) I had to stop myself from running into you, forcing me to throw out my back.
A: (Still jumping rope) Nice try. It is not my fault. You should have waited. I didn’t tell you when to go.
J: (Still not jumping rope) You should have let me go in front of you.
A: (Done jumping rope now because it’s been a minute.) No. It is not my fault you hurt your back.
At this point I’ve written Jorge off as a complete douchebag. I am NOT backing down to him and I am NOT apologizing for something that is not my fault. This is a huge step for me. The old Amie would have apologized just to make him happy, regardless of how it made me feel.
We do another round, him only doing half the work-out because his back still hurts (which he has now told everyone in the class about) and me working harder than ever, determined to not let him get to me.
My favorite part of the work out? Our final time at the jump rope station.
J: So, what’s that on your back?
A: What? (I’m jump roping again.)
J: On your back? A phoenix? Or a male rooster?
A: A phoenix.
J: So you’re what, mid twenties? That’s usually the time women decide to ruin their bodies.
A: Um, I’m 32.
J: Ah.... You shouldn’t have a tattoo. You shouldn’t desecrate your body like that. Your body is a temple.
A: (At this point I stop jumping rope, completely thrown he is now giving me a lecture.) I know my body is a temple. That is why I’m at the gym.
J: So are you going to get it removed?
A: What?!!? No. I love it.
J: You should. It’s not okay.
Oh. My. GOD!!! I just look at him, take a deep breath and get into my plank pose for the final round. Still without a mat and still with the focused determination to sweat him out of my space.
Oh life. Thank you.
After a weekend of not being able to walk because of the class, Monday finds me sharing space with Jorge again. The class counts out groups and we end up in the same boot camp rotation. Here is my interaction with Jorge:
J: Maybe I should be on the other side so I can lead us.
A: What? No thank you. I’m okay here.
J: I’ve taken this class before.
A: Okay. I’m still okay here.
We do the jump rope section. He hands me the rope he “thinks I should be using” since he’s so much taller than I am. Argh!
Move to the mats for plank. Each section is a minute rotation and there is no need for any talking or interaction. Jorge doesn’t seem to understand this.
J: You should stay on the mat. It’s easier.
A: I’m okay. Thanks.
J: You’re form will be better if you use a mat.
A: Really okay. Thank you.
Move to the tri-cep station
J: I need the bigger weights.
A: (thinking to myself: Of course you do)
Move to the tuck jump station.
J: I’m going to go in front of you since I’ll go faster.
A: No. I’ll go first. You can wait. (What? Who is this woman? I smile at my strength in holding my station and not bowing to him. There is no reason he needs to be in front of me and I refuse to be someone he walks over.)
J: But I’m faster than you.
A: You can wait. It’s okay.
Instructor calls over: You should let Jorge go in front of you. He’ll run you over.
A: Nope. I told him he can wait. But thank you.
Inst: Oh.....okay.
We do the tuck jumps and halfway through he steps out because he hurts him back. I’m not surprised considering he did the jumps with such force I almost laughed. High jump all the way down to full plie. What is he thinking? I smile to myself as he stands and has to wait for me to finish my perfectly formed tuck jumps. Without the male ego.
We move to the push ups, which are uneventful. The next two stations are wordless. I have made my point that I don’t want to interact with him and he isn’t going to step on me or my work out.
We get to the jump ropes again for cycle two.
J: If you had let me go in front of you, I wouldn’t have hurt my back.
A: (Jumping rope) What?
J: (not jumping rope) I had to stop myself from running into you, forcing me to throw out my back.
A: (Still jumping rope) Nice try. It is not my fault. You should have waited. I didn’t tell you when to go.
J: (Still not jumping rope) You should have let me go in front of you.
A: (Done jumping rope now because it’s been a minute.) No. It is not my fault you hurt your back.
At this point I’ve written Jorge off as a complete douchebag. I am NOT backing down to him and I am NOT apologizing for something that is not my fault. This is a huge step for me. The old Amie would have apologized just to make him happy, regardless of how it made me feel.
We do another round, him only doing half the work-out because his back still hurts (which he has now told everyone in the class about) and me working harder than ever, determined to not let him get to me.
My favorite part of the work out? Our final time at the jump rope station.
J: So, what’s that on your back?
A: What? (I’m jump roping again.)
J: On your back? A phoenix? Or a male rooster?
A: A phoenix.
J: So you’re what, mid twenties? That’s usually the time women decide to ruin their bodies.
A: Um, I’m 32.
J: Ah.... You shouldn’t have a tattoo. You shouldn’t desecrate your body like that. Your body is a temple.
A: (At this point I stop jumping rope, completely thrown he is now giving me a lecture.) I know my body is a temple. That is why I’m at the gym.
J: So are you going to get it removed?
A: What?!!? No. I love it.
J: You should. It’s not okay.
Oh. My. GOD!!! I just look at him, take a deep breath and get into my plank pose for the final round. Still without a mat and still with the focused determination to sweat him out of my space.
Oh life. Thank you.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Cheating and eating
Being honest is important to me. I want to present my true self to the world and stand behind everything I put out there. Otherwise why be here? Why live this life if not to inspire and help and guide the people around us? Being healthy, and representing a healthy lifestyle, is important to me. I want to inspire people to lead an honest and healthy life. My life’s purpose is starting to take shape and direction.
Today’s blog shows a weaker side of me. My food choices this weekend are not something I’m proud of. They’re also not something I want to hide, making my journey to good health look effortless. We all deal with temptations and choices. We all have low points in our personal journeys. My goal is to show it’s not the end of the world and we always have the choice to pick ourselves up and start over.
I don’t do well with deprivation. I’m fine if I can’t afford something. I’m fine if I want something and it’s not available. I can always make it work out. However, I am not okay if something I want is available, I can afford it and I can’t have it. Not sure what that says about me. Almost like I’m okay with the circumstances that are unchangeable, but if I can change it I will do everything in my power to get what I want.
Including cheat on my eating plan.
Like I mentioned in my last post , I cheated hard core on Sunday. Well, hard core for this low calorie phase of the lifestyle restructuring. I ate poorly with my mother at breakfast, and I loved every minute of it. I said no to the treats at the theater, but on the way home I stopped three times (THREE TIMES) to get something else I craved. I bought a Twix, a Kit-Kat, Spicy Doritos, Sour Cream Cheddar Ruffles, and a piece of red velvet cake. I didn’t eat the full package of any of these foods. I didn’t want them. I just wanted a taste. Of the five things I bought and tasted, the only good one was the Twix.
When I was done I looked at the food in the trash. I’d only eaten quarter of the cake, about 10 chips from each bag, one of the Twix bars, and only a bite of the Kit-Kat. I didn’t feel bad about what I had done. I truly enjoyed every first bite and was proud of myself for stopping when I did. At that point I was so racked with cravings I could have eaten 7-Eleven out of business. But I only had a few bites of each thing and then threw it away. I was more interested in the why.
Why did I do this? Why couldn’t I stop myself from buying everything I wanted? Why did I remain so strong for so long, only to fall so easily? Is there something about me that is so self-destructive I can’t say no, even when my health and well being are on the line? Why do I cheat?
I’m only hurting myself when I do. No one else has a dog in this fight. As a matter of fact, I have so many supporters in this journey it takes my breath away. Cast and crew at the theater, my co-worker, my mother…..I have people around me who are rooting for me and remind me I am worth this. So why, when I’m alone in my car, do I think it’s okay to let myself down?
I don’t know. After thinking about this for a few days I can look back and really think about why. I still don’t have an answer. Because I can? That’s weak. Because it’s there? Weak. Because I want it? Weak. I didn’t need the food. I was hungry, but I could have had an apple.
Maybe I did it to prove that I still have the choice. That I have the opportunity to cheat and I also have the power to give in. I can have the chocolate and the cheese and the fried foods. Go ahead Amie. No one is telling you that you can’t. But how did I feel after? Like a loser. Like a weak loser who was hiding in her car eating crap food like a fugitive. That’s nothing to be proud of. That’s the low.
Writing this now, I think I had to feel that I still have the choice so I can be strong enough to say no. I had to eat those foods again so I could feel that they truly aren’t worth it. I had to get that low in order to see how high I CAN go. I had see that I have the choice to say yes to the food, but the strongest Amie says yes to herself first.
The Strongest Amie eats whole foods and goes for long runs and smiles. The Strong Amie laughs with her friends, cooks fresh dinners and looks to the future. The Strong Amie looks at the choice she made on Sunday and high-fives herself for moving past it and moving on. The Strong Amie has a balance in her life. The Strong Amie is the one who will succeed.
Good luck out there.
Today’s blog shows a weaker side of me. My food choices this weekend are not something I’m proud of. They’re also not something I want to hide, making my journey to good health look effortless. We all deal with temptations and choices. We all have low points in our personal journeys. My goal is to show it’s not the end of the world and we always have the choice to pick ourselves up and start over.
I don’t do well with deprivation. I’m fine if I can’t afford something. I’m fine if I want something and it’s not available. I can always make it work out. However, I am not okay if something I want is available, I can afford it and I can’t have it. Not sure what that says about me. Almost like I’m okay with the circumstances that are unchangeable, but if I can change it I will do everything in my power to get what I want.
Including cheat on my eating plan.
Like I mentioned in my last post , I cheated hard core on Sunday. Well, hard core for this low calorie phase of the lifestyle restructuring. I ate poorly with my mother at breakfast, and I loved every minute of it. I said no to the treats at the theater, but on the way home I stopped three times (THREE TIMES) to get something else I craved. I bought a Twix, a Kit-Kat, Spicy Doritos, Sour Cream Cheddar Ruffles, and a piece of red velvet cake. I didn’t eat the full package of any of these foods. I didn’t want them. I just wanted a taste. Of the five things I bought and tasted, the only good one was the Twix.
When I was done I looked at the food in the trash. I’d only eaten quarter of the cake, about 10 chips from each bag, one of the Twix bars, and only a bite of the Kit-Kat. I didn’t feel bad about what I had done. I truly enjoyed every first bite and was proud of myself for stopping when I did. At that point I was so racked with cravings I could have eaten 7-Eleven out of business. But I only had a few bites of each thing and then threw it away. I was more interested in the why.
Why did I do this? Why couldn’t I stop myself from buying everything I wanted? Why did I remain so strong for so long, only to fall so easily? Is there something about me that is so self-destructive I can’t say no, even when my health and well being are on the line? Why do I cheat?
I’m only hurting myself when I do. No one else has a dog in this fight. As a matter of fact, I have so many supporters in this journey it takes my breath away. Cast and crew at the theater, my co-worker, my mother…..I have people around me who are rooting for me and remind me I am worth this. So why, when I’m alone in my car, do I think it’s okay to let myself down?
I don’t know. After thinking about this for a few days I can look back and really think about why. I still don’t have an answer. Because I can? That’s weak. Because it’s there? Weak. Because I want it? Weak. I didn’t need the food. I was hungry, but I could have had an apple.
Maybe I did it to prove that I still have the choice. That I have the opportunity to cheat and I also have the power to give in. I can have the chocolate and the cheese and the fried foods. Go ahead Amie. No one is telling you that you can’t. But how did I feel after? Like a loser. Like a weak loser who was hiding in her car eating crap food like a fugitive. That’s nothing to be proud of. That’s the low.
Writing this now, I think I had to feel that I still have the choice so I can be strong enough to say no. I had to eat those foods again so I could feel that they truly aren’t worth it. I had to get that low in order to see how high I CAN go. I had see that I have the choice to say yes to the food, but the strongest Amie says yes to herself first.
The Strongest Amie eats whole foods and goes for long runs and smiles. The Strong Amie laughs with her friends, cooks fresh dinners and looks to the future. The Strong Amie looks at the choice she made on Sunday and high-fives herself for moving past it and moving on. The Strong Amie has a balance in her life. The Strong Amie is the one who will succeed.
Good luck out there.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
HCG Week 3 – 162.4
I cheated this weekend. My mama was in town and we went out to eat. I have been so good! But having her around, feeling the comfort and the knowledge that she’ll love me no matter what I weigh, made it really easy to slip up. She’s so supportive of what I do, even reminding me to keep on track with my food, and I am so grateful for her love. I didn’t do too horribly...... Okay- that’s a lie. I fell apart epically on Sunday and it is chronicled in the next posting. However, when I got on the scale yesterday I was only up .4. (In this game that is a lot.)
So I did an apple day and I’m back on track.
I want my mom to be healthy. It is really hard for me to not pack up everything in a van and move home to be with her and help her and stay get healthy. Since hitting 50 she’s gained a lot of hormone weight and I know it bothers her. I want to be there for her. But since I can’t, I love her from here and support her from here. I have a feeling, with all the changes she is facing these next few months, she will put herself first again and will come around to the lifestyle and body she wants. I want her around for another 20+ years and that’s only going to happen if she’s healthy.
So, thanks to a VERY low calorie diet and the HCG, I’m down 9.2 lbs in two weeks. Not too shabby for someone who has never lost that much in two months. I see some of the physical differences: my clavicle is a bit more pronounced, my cheek bones are a little more defined and my ass is getting perkier. I can see where the weight is coming off, and it is such amazing motivation. Mentally, though, I feel like I am pounding at wall.
It’s a hard concept to try to put into words. I simply can’t feel it. I can’t trust it. I know I need to visualize myself down another 10 lbs, but I can’t seem to even think about it. Almost as soon as I allow myself the happiness of even imagining reaching my goal a dark shadow crosses my mind and I’m stopped. Am I afraid to achieve this? Am I panicking about actually losing the weight? I don’t get it.
Even as I talk to myself in the mirror, motivating myself to drink more water and not eat the cake, I don’t believe it. Even as I give myself pep talks after a slip, telling myself it’s okay and to move forward, all I see is failing and being stuck where I am. Reaching the 150s is completely doable by Friday. And yet I see nothing but cynicism when I say it. I don’t feel the conviction of actually completing this.
Can I really move forward with this experience and fully let go of the Amie that has been walking around all this time? Can I move into the next phase of my physical life and embrace the new me? Can I let go and move forward?
The goal for this week, week 3, is to weigh in under 160. The goal is to confidently reach the 150s. Trust that I deserve it, that I DO have the power to hit that goal and that I am capable of achieving this goal. I have to let go to grab on to the next future.
I have to let go. Bring it.
PS- I feel a little silly even saying these things because I know there are people struggling to lose huge amounts of weight. People who would happily celebrate 10lbs without over-thinking it. I hope this blog doesn't sound pretentious or like I'm trying to be something I'm not. Dealing with this is a real struggle and I can't put my finger on the "why". I'm trying to be the best Amie I can be, and I believe I'll be that without these next 10lbs.
Won't we all just die if it turns out they didn't matter at all?
So I did an apple day and I’m back on track.
I want my mom to be healthy. It is really hard for me to not pack up everything in a van and move home to be with her and help her and stay get healthy. Since hitting 50 she’s gained a lot of hormone weight and I know it bothers her. I want to be there for her. But since I can’t, I love her from here and support her from here. I have a feeling, with all the changes she is facing these next few months, she will put herself first again and will come around to the lifestyle and body she wants. I want her around for another 20+ years and that’s only going to happen if she’s healthy.
So, thanks to a VERY low calorie diet and the HCG, I’m down 9.2 lbs in two weeks. Not too shabby for someone who has never lost that much in two months. I see some of the physical differences: my clavicle is a bit more pronounced, my cheek bones are a little more defined and my ass is getting perkier. I can see where the weight is coming off, and it is such amazing motivation. Mentally, though, I feel like I am pounding at wall.
It’s a hard concept to try to put into words. I simply can’t feel it. I can’t trust it. I know I need to visualize myself down another 10 lbs, but I can’t seem to even think about it. Almost as soon as I allow myself the happiness of even imagining reaching my goal a dark shadow crosses my mind and I’m stopped. Am I afraid to achieve this? Am I panicking about actually losing the weight? I don’t get it.
Even as I talk to myself in the mirror, motivating myself to drink more water and not eat the cake, I don’t believe it. Even as I give myself pep talks after a slip, telling myself it’s okay and to move forward, all I see is failing and being stuck where I am. Reaching the 150s is completely doable by Friday. And yet I see nothing but cynicism when I say it. I don’t feel the conviction of actually completing this.
Can I really move forward with this experience and fully let go of the Amie that has been walking around all this time? Can I move into the next phase of my physical life and embrace the new me? Can I let go and move forward?
The goal for this week, week 3, is to weigh in under 160. The goal is to confidently reach the 150s. Trust that I deserve it, that I DO have the power to hit that goal and that I am capable of achieving this goal. I have to let go to grab on to the next future.
I have to let go. Bring it.
PS- I feel a little silly even saying these things because I know there are people struggling to lose huge amounts of weight. People who would happily celebrate 10lbs without over-thinking it. I hope this blog doesn't sound pretentious or like I'm trying to be something I'm not. Dealing with this is a real struggle and I can't put my finger on the "why". I'm trying to be the best Amie I can be, and I believe I'll be that without these next 10lbs.
Won't we all just die if it turns out they didn't matter at all?
Friday, August 5, 2011
HCG- Friday success
I weighed myself this morning and had lost another pound (166). It seemed too good to be true. I stared at the number and started to tear up. I am doing this. This weight is coming off. I don’t know why I didn’t believe it would happen. People lose weight all the time. I just don’t feel like I deserve it and that once it happens, what will I do?
Those are two huge things to think about. I don’t deserve it? Who doesn’t deserve to be healthy and happy? Who doesn’t deserve to look great? Who doesn’t deserve to be rewarded for their hard work? What about me makes me feel a sense of shock and fear when I see something I’m working towards start to actually happen. I’m succeeding. So why am I scared?
And the issue of actually completing a task? Finishing something? This is a good thing Amie! This is a great thing, and I will succeed. It’s okay to be good at something and have a tangible outcome.
I’m not sure why I have such a block with this. I’m not sure why it scares me to lose this weight, so succeed, to be happy and have one less obstacle in my life. But it does.
As I look down at my belly, my “trouble spot” I realize I’m comfortable here. That’s no good. I have to get out of this comfort zone. I have to push myself harder and work smarter to lose this weight and become the brilliant working machine I know I can be. I have to go through these painful mental times and push into calm, powerful self esteem. I have quit too many times before because I was afraid to succeed. That has to stop. No more excuses. No more comfortable. No more imaginary issues that hold me back. It’s time to move forward.
Those are two huge things to think about. I don’t deserve it? Who doesn’t deserve to be healthy and happy? Who doesn’t deserve to look great? Who doesn’t deserve to be rewarded for their hard work? What about me makes me feel a sense of shock and fear when I see something I’m working towards start to actually happen. I’m succeeding. So why am I scared?
And the issue of actually completing a task? Finishing something? This is a good thing Amie! This is a great thing, and I will succeed. It’s okay to be good at something and have a tangible outcome.
I’m not sure why I have such a block with this. I’m not sure why it scares me to lose this weight, so succeed, to be happy and have one less obstacle in my life. But it does.
As I look down at my belly, my “trouble spot” I realize I’m comfortable here. That’s no good. I have to get out of this comfort zone. I have to push myself harder and work smarter to lose this weight and become the brilliant working machine I know I can be. I have to go through these painful mental times and push into calm, powerful self esteem. I have quit too many times before because I was afraid to succeed. That has to stop. No more excuses. No more comfortable. No more imaginary issues that hold me back. It’s time to move forward.
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