Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Happy 33rd Birthday Miss Bjorklund

Happy Birthday to me!!

Let me start by saying I LOVE that this is the date I turn 33  --->  11/22/11. Cool, right?!!?

I spend an inordinate amount of time examining my life, examining my motivation. I work hard to become a better member of society, a better member of my family and a better friend and partner. There isn't much I do that I don't analyze and try to do better next time. All this while fully living in the moment and loving the life I am building for myself. This amount of self reflection and betterment, while totally worthwhile, is exhausting. So today, for my birthday, I'm going to reflect on the joy that was my day and worry about what to make of it later.

I was really sad last night. I literally cried myself to sleep thinking of how sad I was. Around me sat the wrappers of the feelings I tried to eat- a strawberry trifle, a bag of crisps, a can of Devon cream- and yet it wasn't fixing the problem. I was homesick, no two ways about it, and I was spending my birthday alone. Or so I thought.

This morning I woke up and was met with "Happy Birthday" texts. On the way to school Jack and Olivia (from the MA Voice course) sang Happy Birthday to me as we walked to the bus stop. Throughout the day I had to keep reminding myself it was my birthday, but there was usually someone around to say it to me which made me smile and fully take in that moment of someone wishing me well. It was nice. I got hugs from everyone, I got jokes from people and genuine well-wishes. The bonus of the day? I got to spend it doing what I love.

Not once today did I worry about where my life was going or what I was going to do after school. Not once did I think about calories or my body or fitting into my pants. Not once did I worry about saying the wrong thing or hurting someone's feelings. Not once did I wallow or wonder or worry. This was my day and I enjoyed it.

After school we all went out to dinner with Alex, our course director. We had a lovely dinner filled with conversation and lots of laughs. I chatted with Sarah, Chris and Eric on the way home about words we think are real or not and what they might mean. I got home and turned on my computer to see over 150 people had wished me a happy birthday on facebook. A reminder how lucky I am to live in an age where people aren't forgotten about.

I was then summoned over to the other house where I was serenaded again and had some tea with everyone. We talked about our names and movies and the upcoming Thanksgiving dinner. Their company is something I treasure and I was thankful to be there. When I got home, my roommates knocked on my door and surprised me with singing Happy Birthday to me, complete with a candle. I made a wish. (I would tell you what it is, but that will have to wait until next year.) Finally my roommates and I all slid down the banister in the hallway- something we've all wanted to do since we moved in- and bid each other good night.

This was a wonderufl day. It wasn't extraordinary. It wasn't life-altering-ly good or bad. It wasn't anything more than a simple, almost perfect day filled with perfect little moments. I am a lucky lucky woman. Today reminded me of that. If my 33rd year on this earth can be filled with days like this I will consider myself blessed.

Happy Birthday Amie!!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

No weight, no scale, no problem

For most of the summer I weighed myself. I was doing the HCG diet where you weigh yourself every day. It was wonderful to watch the weight come off so quickly. However, it was not as much fun to watch the weight come back on. I have weighed myself at LEAST weekly for the past three years. There wasn't a day goes by I didn't know how much I weighed within 2 pounds. I was both frustrated and motivated by these numbers but felt I was healthy and aware. I felt in control and powerful because if nothing else, I knew what I weighed.


Guess what I don't have here in the UK. A scale.


It didn't even occur to me until about two weeks of being here. I baby sat for a fellow student and they have a scale in their bathroom. It was like meeting an old friend you used to know very well. I was so tempted to step on it and see what my number was, when I stopped myself. I didn't want to know. Even more than that, I didn't need to know.


My pants are looser, forcing me to wear the belt I brought with me. My tops hang better and my sweaters don't stretch across my middle. My clothes feel comfortable and, dare I say, almost too big for me. 


I am sleeping well and not getting sick, minus a few sniffles here and there. I am not breaking out or feeling greasy or weighed down. I am regular and I feel great. I have maintained the vegetarian diet and I love how I feel. I treat myself to a beer when I want one and chocolate when I want those. I eat a lot of food out of a can, because it stays on the shelfs longer, but I also eat an apple every day and greens every day. I drink three liters of water every day at school and then more when I get home. I haven't counted my calories since I got here, nor have I weighed myself.


And I feel great.


There is a part of me that cannot wait to get home and step on that scale. I know I have lost weight and I would love to know the number that goes with that to validate my "hard work". But more than that, I know I am healthy. Losing the scale obsession has been a true gift and something I really enjoy. I like now knowing. I like having to guess. I like that I can go back to imagining I'm in the 150s and loving my body. This is amazing! I am falling in love with myself and it feels so good.


Now, off for more tea!!