Saturday, February 27, 2010

My Marathon Calendar for the Year

Every year around this time I start to get the itch to travel. And my hobby of running marathons helps satiate that. I am able to stay in shape, have a goal and travel to different parts of the country and the world. This year is no exception. Last year I went a little crazy. I had a goal to finish the Rock n Roll series because at the end of it there is an AWESOME medal. And I achieved it and I got the medal. I ran 4 full marathons and 3 halfs. I traveled to Nashville, San Diego, Seattle, Phoenix, Chicago, San Jose and Las Vegas. I stayed in neat hotels and met great people. I got to run some of them with friends and some of them just had people meet me at the finish line. Maybe I’ll devote a post per race…..that would be a good idea….gives me a chance to relive the fun!

This year I have two races signed up and three more in my head. I’m running Los Angeles on March 21st. I signed up for this race in September when I had nothing but 30 weeks ahead of me to train. I had just opened “Steel” and thought my life was slowing down a bit and I could actually train with the LA Road Runners. Well that didn’t happen. I think I have run with them a total of three times in the past four months. Steel Magnolias took up my time, and then caroling started and that rehearses on Saturday morning when the LARR train. Then I booked “Merrily” which also rehearses on Sat mornings. I was out of luck but kept pushing towards the LA Marathon goal. I get the weekly emails and the motivation and the kind words. The race is in less than a month and I am so excited.

I never wanted to run LA. The course used to go through downtown and in a loop and through not amazing parts of the city. My thought was always, “I drive this road every day, why would I want to run it? Especially since I run marathons to see the cities they are held in.” Well this year is the 25th anniversary and they changed the course. Now it goes from Dodger Stadium to Santa Monica pier. It runs through Rodeo drive and Brentwood and is going to be really pretty. Plus it’s neat to be part of something that is in my own city, kind of neat to be swept up in the fun of things.

So I’m doing LA. Then OC is May 2nd. I’m getting a group of people together to run/walk that one with me. It’s going to be awesome! That is only a half, though, so it’s done just for fun and to let people know they can do it.

May 15th is Idaho. If I am not doing a show, I am running that race. I will get to see my good friend Sarah, who lives about 40 miles from Boise, which means I also won’t have to get a hotel room or pay for anything. All I need to do is the plane ticket and the race fee. I’m so there! And I will be able to knock another state off my list.

Then I would like to find one for August. Maybe Oregon since the weather would be amazing. And I love the drive up there.

And then there is GREECE!!! I am so excited for this race. It’s the 2500 anniversary of the original running of the marathon. And it follows the actual course and finishes in the Olympic coliseum, where the Olympians finish. That’s insane! I have me deposit down for two people and I am so very ready to go. The only sad part is that I don’t have anyone to go with. And I want someone to go with me. But it’s hard to find someone who can take a week off work or school and pay the $3000 this trip is costing me. I don’t expect anyone to be jumping at the gate. Well, okay, yes I do. But I don’t have anyone. I’m not dating anyone. I’m not married. I’m not in a running team where there is another runner as excited about this as I am. My friends can’t afford it, or already have their big vacations planned. My family is in the middle of a million things and can’t go. So it looks like it’s just me.

I’m trying to stay positive and keep my smile on. I’m trying to look at the good and the fact that I am paying for this whole thing up front, no new debt, and I have this amazing opportunity to run this. It’s something I have been waiting for since last August. And it is going to be amazing.

I have a great year of running ahead of me. This is something I love so much and want more people to do. And I wish there was some way I could make money doing this. Someday I will find a way. Until then I will work hard to make money so I can spend it on the awesomeness that is running races.


Friday, February 26, 2010

Snippets from Friday 2.26.10

Amie, the color copier is broken. Can you fix it?

Sure, let me call IT.

(I sit on hold laughing to myself because I just spent the last four days watching a TV show about the IT department and I have visions of them in my head.) The man who picks up the phone is not British, though, so I’m quickly pulled out of my British television day dream. JP takes the information and tells me they are sending someone over. Being IT, I don’t really expect them until sometime after lunch. However, apparently the color copier being down is cause for extreme panic in the office.

I send out an email to everyone telling them that the main color copier is broken and to send their printing needs to one of the other two assistants who have color copiers. Here is my logic behind this: it all comes from the same cost center! So if we need to print on your printer for the day, it’s not coming out of your pocket! But apparently that wasn’t the logic everyone took. I was told by one of the women that they don’t have the time to be printing out everyone’s documents and I needed to call IT. I told them that I had already done that. No less than four execs have come to me and asked what happened. I tell them I called IT and someone is on the way.

My favorite of the printer epic is the woman who had this conversation with me:

Is the printer broke?

Yes

Oh no.

Sorry

Are we going to fix it?

Um, yes. They’re coming.

Are we going to fix it?!!? No, we’re not. I think it’s worked enough this week and should take some time off. It's Friday, afterall. I turned the broken machine off and am just sitting here hoping no one needs it. No, we’re not going to fix it because I like to bother people and this is how I can do it best.

And the crowning moment of this Friday? At 2:45p the CEO walked out of the office. At 3p every other executive was gone. But 3:30 all the assistants were gone. I sat alone on the office floor, watching my television, shocked that it was 3:45p on a workday and no one felt the need to actually be at work. So I backed up my bags and clocked out at 4p. Had a three hour drive to Orange County anyway.


Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Some exchanges from today


I just sat in the courtroom for 6 hours while they deposed 57 people. And there is no jury yet.

Amie there’s some food left over from the meeting if you want to eat. I think it’s fish, I’m not sure.

Amie can you help me out? Sure, what do you need? At 1p can you walk around with the camera guy again? Sure, no problem. (I call at 1p) Where should I meet the camera guy? Oh I forgot you were doing that. Don’t worry about it. (She calls at 1:15p) Can you run downstairs and help the camera man? Sure, not a problem. Call me when you guys are done? Will do. (I call her at 2:15p) We’re all done. Oh my goodness, I forgot you were with him. I’ll be right there.

Amie, you okay? You look really tired

Amie you sound awful. You okay?

Oh thank god it’s already 10a. Only 6 more hours to go.

Amie, you okay? You don’t look good today.

Amie can you sign for this? Sure, but it goes to Chris. Yeah, I just don’t feel like walking down there (Thereby making me walk down to her office.)

Amie is John there? I don’t think so, I haven’t seen him today. Well do you know where he is? No, I haven’t seen him today.

Amie can you help me with the conference room stuff? It’s making a noise and I don’t know how to stop it. “Are you calling in or are they?” They called. But then I called. And then I logged in to the meeting website for the phone call. I don’t understand why I hear the same conversation three times.

And this is my life…….


Ah The Joys of Office Life

I can’t say too many bad things about it because every time I do, something good comes from it. Maybe I should say more bad things.

Today is Tuesday. With the show and school and spending every waking minute wondering if I’m going to be able to pay for everything I need to pay for, I’m tired. Today I was told by no less than five people that I looked tired/sick/tired/stuffy/tired. All those things are true. I look like hell. I almost passed out with my trainer this morning. Think I scared him a little bit, but I stayed upright. My days go from 6a-11p rarely without a stop (except for the time I am sitting on my ass at my desk. But since I have to be conscious the entire 9 hours I consider that “not stopping”). I go to the gym in the morning, go to yoga in the morning, work out with my trainer in the morning. When I’m not doing one of those things I’m getting to the office at 7am to set up for a meeting. Then I sit at my desk for 8-9 hours.

One blessing of this job is that I get internet access all day. Not to every site, I’d have the biggest farm EVER on Farmville if that was the case. I look up auditions online, I look up physical therapy schools, I “free click for breast cancer” twice a day, I check my hotmail. I even watch TV here. That’s my secret weapon to not going insane; Netflix.com instant watch. I’m sure that is what is going to eventually be my demise. But it’s wonderful! (I found my new favorite comedy- The IT Crowd. It’s from Britian and it’s like The Office meets Office Space. I love it!) So there are advantages. And they feed me. Big meetings will come in and they will have a lunch and I’ll get to have some too. Or I’ll get lunch bought for me because they are buying for the other execs on the floor. I have leftovers from a lunch yesterday that I’m going to have for dinner tonight. So I’m able to keep in a budget that way. I can’t tell you the last time I went grocery shopping. Of course some days my meals are chips and hot chocolate because that is what’s around. But it works and I’m fed. There are good and there are bad. I focus on the good.

Then 5:30 comes and I either head to school, head to babysitting, head to the theater or head to an audition. Life is moving along and I am caught up in the middle of it.

And I like that.

And I freeze in fear in the face of it. I can’t look at the passing seconds on a clock because all I think is that my life is passing me by. I can’t look at a calendar because I am struck by the fact that those days are gone and I never get to have them again. Everything feels permanent and fleeting at the same time.

I know why I’m running around like a loon. The sad three months are coming up. I am starting to have the flashes again. Last night I stared at the ceiling for an hour while I willed the memories to go away. I feel like a broken record thinking about my father over and over. And I usually keep busy enough that I don’t have to be reminded. But the knowledge flashes back and breaks my heart as if it just happened.

I still can’t believe he’s forever gone. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that I will never see him again or hear him or anything or feel his hug again. These three months hurt so much.


Monday, February 15, 2010

Your Choice or Mine?

A friend of mine lost a love today. She walked out of his life. This woman told him every day that she loved him. Told him that they were meant to be together and that she wanted a life with him. Told him that she married the wrong man and that she loved him. Then, when the opportunity came for her to be with him, she chose her husband. I’m not writing this to condone or condemn her actions. I don’t care either way because I don’t know her. My friend will get over her and will be fine. He will find someone else to love and he will survive this breakup, everyone does.  I should buy stock in scotch while he goes through the heartache though.


I wanted to write about this because I am struck with how much easier his life is going to be without her and how often we wait for someone else to make the decisions for us. Her husband found out about them on accident, however I see it as the universe giving her an open door to walk out and take a different life. She didn’t. She took the easy road and stayed in a marriage she’s no happy in. Again, I don’t know this woman. She could have been really happy in her marriage and totally stringing my friend along. I have no idea. But she was given the opportunity to act on something and she didn’t. How often do we get that chance? How often are we offered an out?


The trick is to realize that you’re always doing what you want to do. Always. Nobody’s making you do anything. Once you get that you see that you’re free and that life is really just a series of choices. Nothing happens to you, you choose.


I choose. Every day I choose. Today I chose to stay with my family for the morning, then come in to work. That was the best decision for me. I wanted to go to the beach. I wanted to stay at home and enjoy a quiet house. I wanted to go to the park and sun myself and read. I wanted to eat yogurt on the pier and watch the waves hit the shore. I chose to come in to work. Every time I ask myself “Why am I at this job and how did I get stuck here” I am able to say “Because I chose it”, and that makes me feel more in control. Every day I am choosing.


My friend’s girlfriend chose. I’m sure he has been waiting for this shoe to drop. I’m sure there were sleepless nights where he wondered if he was doing the right thing and if he would ever fully get her. He wasn’t choosing where the relationship went, she was. He was just able to choose to be with her.


When our choice gets taken away from us we are thrown. It pulls us completely out of our comfort zone and makes us vulnerable. But there is a power in moving on from that choice. I could get fired tomorrow, ending my choice to come in to work every day, but it would free me up to go get another job- possibly one in a field I enjoy. I choose to keep repairing my car instead of doing the work to buy a new one. If my car stopped working tomorrow, I wouldn’t have a choice. I would have to do the work and buy a new car. My friend has the chance now to find someone who can be his fully and not be the drama any more. By her making one choice for him, she opened up 100 more, probably better, choices for him.


Sometimes not being in control is a good thing too. We can control what we do, we can control what we say and we can control who we associate with. The rest is up in the air, out of our control, and sometimes that is okay.


Thursday, February 11, 2010

No More Pedantic Dreams

Lose 20 pounds. Pay off credit card debt. Buy a new car.

When did my dreams become so pedantic? When did I stop setting goals to change the world? I used to dream about being a Dallas Cowboy’s cheerleader. I used to dream about owning a flat in London and marrying a rich prince who would help me garden. I used to dream about traveling the world on a small boat while I took pictures and drank coffee in small cafes. I used to dream about being a showgirl in Vegas, moonlighting as a lounge singer and having my own show on the strip.

Now I hope to one day have no credit card debt and be skinny?!!?

Who am I? Who is this woman sitting at a desk entering survey answers, wondering where her life went? Who is this woman sitting here feeling like she’s WASTING her life? I never ever ever EVER wanted to be this woman. This is NOT where I wanted to be at 31.

I still dream those things. I still think about a life that is not the one I am living. Those goals just seem really unattainable right now. They seem as unattainable as digging myself out of this debt I’m in. I don’t feel free anymore. And anyone who has kids or is taking care of a family member or a mortgage right now is probably shaking their head thinking “YOU don’t have freedom?!!? Try being tied down with all of THIS!” And I know, I know there are more settled lives out there. I’m not saying my load is any more or any less than someone else’s. For me, this is hard. This is really frustrating and hard and really not what I want. Do you know how close I am to declaring bankruptcy and deleting all my debt? How nice it would be to start fresh, knowing what I know now? 

But I won’t. My father declared bk and spent his whole life battling money. I saw him worry about where money was coming from and fight with my mom about where money was going. I want to be better than that. I want to work hard and not worry about money. I want to make the decisions that allow me to have the life I want. I work really hard to be a good person. I just wish my finances showed that.

I still have those big dreams. And I know I’m young and childless and now is the time to go reach for them. All I need is to be able to sit my ass in this chair and keep my mouth shut for 9 more months. I can do that. I can get a second job and dig myself out of this. Because at the end of this job is an empty credit card and the doors will open for all of my new dreams. 

I can’t be a DC cheerleader, but I can take a weekend road trip and go see a Cowboys game and cheer with them. I can still own a London flat one day. I can still meet and marry a rich prince who worships the ground I walk on. I can get a job on a ship and eat exotic foods from far away lands. I can take a photography class and then jump on a weekend getaway boat and fill my camera up with gorgeous sunset shots. I can still dream all those things. And I do. The thing to remember is to not get caught up in the now, but to really look to the future and trust that by keeping my dreams in my head, I CAN get out of this chair and I WILL change the world.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Playing Mary


My show opened this weekend. It was amazing. There is so much to talk about and I can’t seem to write fast enough. More than anything I want to get on paper how amazing it feels to be able to be someone else. I literally let Mary take over for the 3 hours I am in the play. I let her feel, I let her physically react, I let her enjoy and cry and scream and laugh. I let her come alive and tell her story. It is so amazing to be able to put someone else on and walk around in their skin. It truly is an out of mind experience for me. The rehearsal process is interesting because it takes a while for me to get the logistics out of the way and let the character come play. Once I know where I need to enter and exit and who I need to hand a prop to, I am able to think less and play more. Being Mary is heartbreaking. It’s painful and it’s hard and it is causing me to look at my own life.

The musical “Merrily We Roll Along” takes the life of one composer and his two friends and walks them backwards through time to figure out how he ended up in the mess he is. How do you let 20 years fall away from you without even thinking about it? In working on this piece I have really started to look at my life and pause even more than I usually do. I am fully aware that I can never relive the moments I am living now. Some of them I don’t want to. But there are moments in my life I would love to relive. Or see again. Or just feel again. Feel the freedom of riding the trains through Europe without a care or schedule. Feel the rush of crossing the finish line of my first marathon. Feel the heat of the spring I first fell in love with my other half. Relive the three months I had nothing but time with my father. There are so many things I want to go back and relive, but can’t. So I try in vain to be completely present when I’m living now.

Playing Mary reminds me of that. She reminds me how fleeting happiness can be and how it is important to be happy with the life I have now. Mary shows me that even god back and looking at what was doesn’t change the now. I have to change the now today. Now. I need to remember to soak in the praise and the congratulations I’m receiving for my performance because those are fleeting too. I don’t know what is going to happen. But I know that I am doing my best and I am working so very hard to make sure my time here in this world isn’t wasted.

During the talkbacks after the show we get to talk about our process and the show and our characters. I keep repeating the message that more than anything I want people to leave this show feeling good about their lives. I want audience members to look at their life and say “It’s really good as it is” instead of “I wish…..” There is always time to wish. There is time to work hard and to dream and to push yourself. But if you don’t take stock of the now and really register how good it is, you’re not going to realize you’ve even achieved your dream. I hope people walk away from Merrily and want to make their life better. I hope people cry. I hope people go tell their best friend they love them. I hope they take their dog for a walk. I don’t think theater changes the world in broad strokes. Theater touches people one at a time and makes the world a better place one act at a time. That is why I let Mary come out and play and that is why I do what I do. And I love it.