When Friends Dream

I'm sitting on the subway home, teary-eyed from my theater experience. I just watched a good friend of mine, Jesse Swimm, perform as Bert in Mary Poppins. A man I've known for over ten years. (I drank a shot of whiskey at his 21st birthday) A man I've admired for his endless hard work and powerful determination. A man i have learned from as an artist, a business woman and a friend. A man I've had a little crush on since sophomore year at CSUF (no use denying it) even as we remain the picture perfect platonic relationship. More than anything, a man i will always remember as one who made his dream come true.

Anything can happen if you let it

I want to cry tears of happiness for him. I want to pass around my autographed playbill to everyone in this subway car and say the words 'i know him'. Im star struck. I want to shout from the mountaintops and tell literally the entire world how proud I am of him. He did it!

During Let's Go Fly A Kite it hit me that I was watching a dear friend on a broadway stage, doing what they love and being really really good. and I cried. When he tap danced on the ceiling, something he's dreamed of since booking the show, I cried. And when he came out for his bow, to the cheers of hundreds of people who loved his work, I cried tears of such joy. They were overwhelming.

He did it. And I am proud beyond words

Watching your friends achieve their dreams might possibly be one of my favorite emotions ever.  I can't stop smiling!

Get out there and make those dreams a reality. Dreams are made with strong elastic.

Congrats Jesse. You are an amazing man and I hope to someday (after you win your Tony) sell your autograph for thousands. As a matching set with mine and my Tony.

Keep dreaming my friends. And then get out there and make that dream a reality!

Have a Little Faith

Die hard sports fans are infallible. They love their team. They root for their team no matter what odds are against them. Their dedication struck a new chord in me a few days ago when I thought about the signs they hold up once their team has won. On the TV screen I watched the camera pan past the screaming, cheering fans and saw a few holding up congratulation signs. Signs pronouncing their team the victors. Signs that had to have been written before they came so they would be ready when the final whistle blew.


These fans came to the game expecting their team to win. They know there's a chance they won't. It is a sports game, after all, and those are less than predictable. But the pre-made signs show that these fans had faith that their team would win and the signs would be seen.


"Why can't I have that brand of faith in myself?" I wondered.


A few weeks ago my boyfriend asked if I have faith in anything. I told him I have faith that I'll wake up tomorrow, that I will have food to eat and people around me to love. I told him I have faith that the sun won't come falling out of the sky and I won't be eaten by a rabid dog. He asked if I have faith in myself.


And, as he is known to do, he took my breath away and gave me pause. Faith in myself? Well.....of course I do. Don't I?


The truth is - No, I don't. I believe in myself. I know that I can land in any city and find work, a place to live and make friends. I believe I can tackle any role and thrive. I believe I am a good person who does good work and tries her hardest. However, I do not have that "made before the game" faith.


Why haven't I ever made a 5 year plan? My excuse has been that the world of entertainment is too volatile and subjective for me to plan anything. I have to be ready for the unknown. The reality is, I haven't had faith in myself that I can be a success.


That's a hard pill to swallow. But I'm taking the challenge and now is the time to change. It is time to have faith in Amie Bjorklund.


I am a good actress. I know I am on this earth to act, to perform, to invest in myself and to be great. I know I am here for good things. I am here to love and to be loved.


During that conversation he asked me to have faith in "us". Told me to have faith in the good we are.


I do.


Now it's time to add faith in myself to the pile. It's time to make a five year plan that I stick to. It's time to write out my Oscar acceptance speech. It's time to write out what I'll say when I win my Tony. It's time to pick out the jewelry I'll wear to my red carpet premiere. It's time to decide what gift I'll give myself when I land that blockbuster movie role.


But first, it's time to make a sign, congratulating "Team Amie" on her victory.


I know she can do it.

Mirror Mirror

When I bought my now ancient iPhone 3G in 2009 I had the option to buy a screen cover that was a mirror. My immediate thought was, "who would need that?" I don't carry a mirror around with me and it didn't even occur to me that at some point during the day I might want to check my reflection. I chose to get the basic screen cover. Since then I have thought about that choice more often then I thought I would. There have been moments I needed a mirror and I flash to standing in the AT&T store and mentally slap myself for not upgrading to the mirror option. But just because I don't hold a mirror to myself doesn't keep other people from doing it for me.

Mirrors are vital to bettering ourselves. We can do reps for hours but until we look in the mirror and see how we may be adjusting a different muscle group to make the rep easier, we won't know we're doing it. We can blindly, and happily, walk around the city all day, but without the reflection in the shop window showing us we actually have bed hair and mismatched socks we will continue to think we look amazing. Our habits, our daily life, is just our perception until we get that mirror held up to us. Sometimes by force.

Recently I was made aware of my habit to punish an innocent party because of someone else's treatment of me. He pretty much said, "I can't spend my life apologizing for what he did to you."

Talk about a lightbulb moment.

I don't really have a lot to say about that except that he's right and I was taken aback by how succinctly and with razor-sharp accuracy he called me out. I have thought about that sentence a lot in the past week. (And he'll tell you, I might not have remembered it correctly but the gist is there.) I don't want to force my future boyfriends/fiancées/husbands make up for how poorly I was treated for the better part of 6 years. I don't want to spend my life trying to figure out where I went wrong and how is it different this time. I don't want to compare. I don't want to assume. I don't want to do what I've been doing because it hasn't worked so far.

So, for those of you who follow this blog and know I work on myself every day, I have vowed to hold up more mirrors to myself. I will probably still leave the house with bed-head and mismatched socks. But I will not ask someone who wasn't there, who cares for me for who I am now, to fix what someone else heartlessly broke. And I won't spend my life trying to make it "different this time" so it's better. It's already better.

More mirrors, less heartache. Who's in?

Every Day a Little Pain

While I was sitting in the salon this afternoon getting my hair done, I started thinking about how my hairdressers’ arms must get tired. She stands all day, using her arms above the midline of her body. That thought made me think about how in time she probably gets used to it and the muscles she needs to do her job just get stronger. It’s our brilliant body adapting and morphing into what the world asks it to do. When we work out our muscles tear a little then repair stronger than they were. 

I started thinking, maybe it’s the same thing with relationships. Each time they end our heart breaks down a little more, establishing the need to rebuild (along with the pain that brings). This pain makes us stronger and ready to face the next thing the world will ask us to do.

The heart is about the size of your fist and one of the strongest muscles in the body. Its job is to pump every blood cell through every vein to every organ, delivering fresh oxygen and carrying away garbage. Our hearts are amazing. And while I know they are not directly related to the emotion of love, our oxytocin “cuddle” hormone takes care of that, our heart is where we feel the ache of losing someone we love. (And thank you cortisol for your part in that aching feeling.)

This idea of pain has been with me all day. I woke up this morning and my chest felt heavy, like there wasn’t enough room in it. The thought occurred to me, “of course there isn’t enough room. He gave your heart back to you. It has grown so big in his love it no longer fits in your chest.” Hence the pain of fitting this new heart, which has known a love so great I can’t stand to think about losing it, into my life again. Along with that comes the aching pain.

Pain helps us grow. I know that. The pain of heartache helps us be ready for the next time. It allows us to remember what good love felt like and to be ready for it when it comes again. Pain weakens us for a time, makes us cry, grieve, lie silently looking at the wall for hours and takes away our appetite. Pain drives us to have that extra pint in a vain effort to take the pain away. Pain tears little parts of us into pieces, leaving us to wonder if we will ever be whole again.

But pain isn’t forever. Our body adapts to pain and finds a different way of doing something so we don’t hurt ourselves. Our body, including our heart, doesn’t like to work harder than it needs to, so it will find an easier way to do what needs to get done. And loving someone needs to get done. I will not live in a loveless life. So while for now I sit with the pain, I will also acknowledge it. I will flash onto the good memories of him and smile because they happened. I will also flash onto the ideas I had of a good future and cry because they won’t. But through this all, the little tears everyday, I will grow stronger. 

And just like my hour of pain at the gym every morning, this pain will be worth it.

An Especially Empty Left Ring Finger

For anyone who knows me, you have heard me talk about my desire to stay single and live my life. I never minded a boyfriend here and there, but had no desire to get married. It's sounded pedantic and boring. I mean, being a girl, I have thought about my wedding. Thought about where I would want it and who would be there. However, I am such a believer in using what's in our life currently I always assumed that when the time was right I would have the people who were important to me in the bridal party and they people who attended would be my friends at the time and whomever my groom wanted there. As much as I enjoy planning my day and my meals and my money, I am not a big believer in planning my life. There are too many variables that are out of my control.

This past January the love of my life put a gorgeous saphire ring on my left ring finger and changed my life.
He made it clear it wasn't an engagement ring. His exact words were, "When I ask you to marry me, you'll know." But the message was that we were moving forward. We were in this, together, and I could trust that this relationship was heading down the aisle, into a lifelong partnership. It didn't matter to me when, for the first time in my life I was just estatic that it would.

I started to finally trust that I had a future with him. After years of telling myself I didn't need him (that it was all going to be fine because I was able to live my dream and not worry about a husband/house/kids/settling down) I was looking down the track to my life with him and I felt calm and ready and like it was the best decision I would ever make. I've been running from commitment and just living my life but when he put that ring on my finger I never wanted anything more. I was settled. This was it. I was ready for the daily life of loving someone and the forever it promised.

How was this different? How was this special? Why this man? I'm in love with him, foibles and all. To quote Phoebe, he's my lobster. Has been for years.  He's who, out of all the animals in the sea, I want to hold claws with. He's the man that knows me better than anyone and pushes me to be a better person. He's my champion and my cheering squad. I am interested in everything he does and everything he says. I want to know what fills his head and his heart. With him, the idea of a quiet night at home suddenly becomes the one place I want to be. He was my world and I was so thrilled we were going to have it.

My fears of marriage and being forgotten and being left alone were gone. I threw myself into life with him, even being 6,000 miles away. I called him my boyfriend and smiled when I looked at the ring, treasuring what it meant. I started to trust that my commitment fears were gone and I was sure of someone. I was sure of myself and my ability to be faithful and commit and be loyal to this man till the day I died.

Loyal. Commited. Faithful.

These are not words I would have given our relationship before these past months. I haven't played by those words and have now paid the price for that. I didn't treat it like it was special and needed to be cherished. I didn't know what it felt like to be secure. To be sure of someone. He is the only man who has taken the risk and said he is willing to change his life and be with me. He is the only man I am willing to change my life for.

The empty space where the ring once sat now haunts me and sends me onto a much different train of thought. I am not the person I was. I'm not the person who enjoyed an empty left finger and felt it was a sign of independence and "look, I don't need a man" attitude. What I see now is loneliness. What I see now is my failing as a partner. What I see now is the shadow of a life I didn't know I wanted until I lost it.

Until I lost him.
The most special thing I've had in my world.

It takes an amazing man to wrangle in a woman like me. A wonderful, patient and heartwarming man to change how I look at marriage and commitment and myself as a partner. He is that man. And I am still wrangled in.

No Expiration Date

One of my professors, Professor V., is an older gentleman who is a true gem in this world. He can quote the literary greats like he’s talking about his own history. He has a passion for the world of theater and works tirelessly for his students. His is, in a word, amazing. Prof V. has a heart of gold and is one of those people in the world you just immediately root for. You want them to be happy and prosperous and see all the good come to them. You worry about them when they don’t look well and you laugh along with them as they talk about their day and their experiences. People like Professor V. make this world a better place.

Which is why I was overjoyed when he told us he had fallen in love and was happy. I still smile when I think about him telling us in class the other day. He blushed and smiled and seemed to light up with this new man in his life. Now, this man is in his 60s and is as neurotic as the rest of us. He is a gangly old man who has had his share of men in his life. He makes no secret of it. And while it may sound naive and a little small minded, my second thought at hearing the news (behind being truly happy for him) was “he’s proof we can still find love when we’re old.”

I know, I know, even thinking those words out again makes me cringe at the way it sounds. I can hear it now- What do you mean “old”? What, old people don’t have the right to be happy? Old people can’t fall in love? And that’s not what I’m saying at all. What I was happy for was that joy in his eyes and truly seeing that finding love, at the age when what society deems your “best years” are behind you, is possible.

In a world where people get married at 22, actress can’t find “good” roles after 40, and the term “expiration date” doesn’t just apply to food, I find myself wondering if I will be able to have love in my 60s. And not only love, but good sex. I have a friend who is a grandmother and happily married and I have heard from her own stories that good sex is still an option into your later years. And now with the wonderful relationship I’m in, I’m certain that amazing sex is going to remain in the schedule. But if life takes the love of my life from me (touch wood it doesn’t, I don't want a life without him) and I find myself single and 60, I like the idea that I will still be loveable and worthy of attention from the opposite sex- even if I am gangly and neurotic (which I most surely will be).

So my hat is off to you Prof V., for getting out there and doing it! Loving and trusting and enjoying life. I didn’t think it was possible for him to be more of an inspiration, but he is. Just goes to show that grad school is more awesome than I could have thought!

Have a wonderful day! Get out there and do something fun!!

Options Options Options!!

There is a saying here in England, “If you don’t like the weather, wait a few minutes. It will change.” With the upcoming change of visa requirements and the finish line of school in my sights (even if still months away) it seems like that sentiment is applicable to my plans as well. This sense of confusion, the need to have a plan, seems to radiate throughout the BSA Post Grads.

When I applied to BSA last year it was with the understanding that once a student has a Student Visa and completes their degree they can apply for, and receive, a working visa which will allow them to work full time and guarantee residency for two years. This coming April that is going to change. Students will have to get a job paying 20k a year and get a sponsor before they will be given a working Visa. This brings a lot of challenges, not the least of which is that in this economy not many people are going to be willing to offer a job to a temporary citizen when there are so many Brits out of work. It also lengthens the list of options for all of us.

The variations in these options brings me great joy and excitement. I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a healthy amount of worry in there, but the majority of my energy lies in the idea that, once again, the world is my oyster. I get to start a new chapter in life! I have a new set of tools that ROCK and allow me a stronger leg-hold on the competition. Not to mention an amazing thesis and hopefully some published articles to feather my academic nest. 

Here are a few of the options out there:

• Move to London without a secure working visa. This means I get an apartment, find a job and audition the hell out of my life until 13 Jan 2013, when my visa expires, at which time if I don’t have a job I head back to the states. (Well let’s be real. I’ll probably spend a few months hiding out in Paris simply because I can.) The idea of living in London makes me smile, gives me a sense of excitement about what’s out there available to me. I can audition for the West End. I can audition for a tour. I can head down to Paris and find work as a voice-over actress. I can coach the American dialect with young actors here. There are options upon options out for me. This seems like the best option for my dream of winning a Tony. Get out there and use myself and my skills, take workshops and continue to grow and learn.
• Apply the working visa now, spend the money (about $1000) and give myself the option of staying as long I can. This is the more expensive option and doesn’t give me pressure to find work before my visa wears out. Seems like it would take away a piece of motivation. However, there is something comforting in the idea that I have two years without having to worry about getting kicked out of the country. I can take longer to find a job I enjoy, maybe audition instead of interview, and really enjoy being in the city. 
• Book a European tour. (Yes please!)
• Finish school and head to somewhere on the East Coast. I don’t want to lose my classical training and there is a world of great theater happening on the East side of the USA.
• Finish school and head back to California, find work and coach on the side.
• There is also the option of going back to school. I would love to get my MFA at San Diego University. That was my number one school choice last year during auditions and I know I did well when I met with them. However, now with a year of classical training behind me I have an even better shot. Here’s what I love about that plan: I LOVE SCHOOL! So the idea I’d get to continue learning, continue training, continue becoming this brilliant vessel of theater is intoxicating. 

How lucky am I?!!?


I have a little under 8 months before my thesis is due. I am still in the baby beginnings of my research. My first public workshop goes up in 4 weeks. I have yet to memorize a scene. There is so much to do before any of these listed options start to come in. But the idea that tonight I can sit here and daydream about where my life is going to go, that it doesn’t involve a desk or a CEO or Microsoft Outlook makes me happy, happy, happy.

The thought of my handsome Tony and his friend, the dashing Oscar, sparkling in the sun makes me happy, happy, happy as well.

Back in the Saddle Again

I arrived back in Birmingham Sunday and, needless to say, am still ridiculously jet-lagged. Last night in my three hour stage combat class I almost fell asleep three times. Thank goodness we spent the first half holding rapiers and daggers and the last hour punching each other in the stomach and kneeing each other in the groin. This morning is proving to be even harder. Song class is usually a great hour of my life, but today all I wanted to do was sleep. I'm currently sitting in the library on campus and seriously debating if anyone would notice if I took a quick kip behind one of the stacks. It's a college, they wouldn't mind, right?

The flight here was uneventful. As I get older, I'm finding my love of flying ebbing sigificantly. I will always fly, I will always travel. But more and more I have painful anxiety when we take off, I have awful flashes of panic when we fly (How are we 30,000 miles over the ocean right now? How are we not dropping into the deep?), and I am always eternally grateful when we land safely. I'm not certain where the next few years will lead me, but I am thankful I don't have to do any 10 hour flights for at least 7 months.

I am so happy to be back at school, but I am hate being so far away from the people I love. I miss my family so much. Don't be fooled, it was so much easier to leave LA when I wasn't seeing anyone. I didn't mind the weeks away because I was excited for a change and ready to live a different life. I also knew I was coming home in 10 weeks and I know I can survive almost anything for 10 weeks. This time I left and the man I love is still in CA. Long distance relationships SUCK! I want nothing more to see him every day and I am not going back to LA for at least 9 months. That is a LONG time! (I can have a baby in that time! Instead, I will get my masters. :)

A rambling blog of some rambling thoughts from a jet-lagged woman running on too much coffee and not enough veggies. Reminds me that I need to go grocery shopping tonight! I promise, the next blog will have life changing thoughts and probably a few interesting stories about what I totally forgot I love and loath about this city.

Until next time........have a GREAT day out there!

My 2012 Resolutions and Goals

I love New Years Resolutions and I love setting goals for the year. I believe they are two different things that need to be laid out as such and then attacked as such.

Resolutions are things you promise yourself you're going to do: change eating, give up something, stop swearing.......things like that. They are daily or weekly changes you intend to make for the entire year. And they are only for a year. My best friend gave up soda for 2011. You best believe on 1 Jan 2012 he has a Coke. Resolutions are simple changes that last one year, initially, and then you move on. It's like a challenge.

Goals are things you set out for yourself that are long term, may take the entire year and are meant to improve your life in the long run. They are what you would like to see happen this year. You take steps every day to achieve these goals, but it isn't a challenge to yourself to change your life for a year. Unless that is your goal!

I always have a few resolutions and then a TON of goals. The goals are sometimes lofty, sometimes totally attainable. And sometimes they are on the list specifically because I know I will attain then and I can check them off. I set really big goals because I believe life can be really big!

Goals are fluid because life is fluid. Resolutions are constant.

Amie's 2012 Resolutions
- Run a mile a day (allowing myself to make up the miles missed weekly)
- No soda or fast food
- give up chocolate for Lent
- Write two blogs every week
- Keep a daily log of my activities (not emotions), a la Samuel Pepys

Amie's 2012 Goals
- Get my Masters degree
- Graduate with distinction
- run Paris in under 5:30
- book two professional shows in the UK
- sign with a bi-coastal (ideally international) agent at the NY showcase in October
- get weight down to at least 150 by end of third term (29 June) and maintain for rest of year
- get completely out of credit card debt
- work 20+ hours while at school
- understand and initiate portion control with my food
- travel to a new country once a month for the weekend
- maintain a positive relationship with the man I love and keep us moving forward
- work out 5 times a week
- run Asia marathon
- skype with my family weekly to maintain relationships
- watch the 2012 Olympics live in London
- don't get further into debt

I know people don't make resolutions because they believe they can change their life any time during the year. I believe that too. You can change your life every day if you want to. But how much fun to have a challenge, a tangible thing to say you did for the entire year! Go do it!

What are your goals this year and how can I help you attain them?

Happy New Year!!!