Every Day a Little Pain

While I was sitting in the salon this afternoon getting my hair done, I started thinking about how my hairdressers’ arms must get tired. She stands all day, using her arms above the midline of her body. That thought made me think about how in time she probably gets used to it and the muscles she needs to do her job just get stronger. It’s our brilliant body adapting and morphing into what the world asks it to do. When we work out our muscles tear a little then repair stronger than they were. 

I started thinking, maybe it’s the same thing with relationships. Each time they end our heart breaks down a little more, establishing the need to rebuild (along with the pain that brings). This pain makes us stronger and ready to face the next thing the world will ask us to do.

The heart is about the size of your fist and one of the strongest muscles in the body. Its job is to pump every blood cell through every vein to every organ, delivering fresh oxygen and carrying away garbage. Our hearts are amazing. And while I know they are not directly related to the emotion of love, our oxytocin “cuddle” hormone takes care of that, our heart is where we feel the ache of losing someone we love. (And thank you cortisol for your part in that aching feeling.)

This idea of pain has been with me all day. I woke up this morning and my chest felt heavy, like there wasn’t enough room in it. The thought occurred to me, “of course there isn’t enough room. He gave your heart back to you. It has grown so big in his love it no longer fits in your chest.” Hence the pain of fitting this new heart, which has known a love so great I can’t stand to think about losing it, into my life again. Along with that comes the aching pain.

Pain helps us grow. I know that. The pain of heartache helps us be ready for the next time. It allows us to remember what good love felt like and to be ready for it when it comes again. Pain weakens us for a time, makes us cry, grieve, lie silently looking at the wall for hours and takes away our appetite. Pain drives us to have that extra pint in a vain effort to take the pain away. Pain tears little parts of us into pieces, leaving us to wonder if we will ever be whole again.

But pain isn’t forever. Our body adapts to pain and finds a different way of doing something so we don’t hurt ourselves. Our body, including our heart, doesn’t like to work harder than it needs to, so it will find an easier way to do what needs to get done. And loving someone needs to get done. I will not live in a loveless life. So while for now I sit with the pain, I will also acknowledge it. I will flash onto the good memories of him and smile because they happened. I will also flash onto the ideas I had of a good future and cry because they won’t. But through this all, the little tears everyday, I will grow stronger. 

And just like my hour of pain at the gym every morning, this pain will be worth it.

An Especially Empty Left Ring Finger

For anyone who knows me, you have heard me talk about my desire to stay single and live my life. I never minded a boyfriend here and there, but had no desire to get married. It's sounded pedantic and boring. I mean, being a girl, I have thought about my wedding. Thought about where I would want it and who would be there. However, I am such a believer in using what's in our life currently I always assumed that when the time was right I would have the people who were important to me in the bridal party and they people who attended would be my friends at the time and whomever my groom wanted there. As much as I enjoy planning my day and my meals and my money, I am not a big believer in planning my life. There are too many variables that are out of my control.

This past January the love of my life put a gorgeous saphire ring on my left ring finger and changed my life.
He made it clear it wasn't an engagement ring. His exact words were, "When I ask you to marry me, you'll know." But the message was that we were moving forward. We were in this, together, and I could trust that this relationship was heading down the aisle, into a lifelong partnership. It didn't matter to me when, for the first time in my life I was just estatic that it would.

I started to finally trust that I had a future with him. After years of telling myself I didn't need him (that it was all going to be fine because I was able to live my dream and not worry about a husband/house/kids/settling down) I was looking down the track to my life with him and I felt calm and ready and like it was the best decision I would ever make. I've been running from commitment and just living my life but when he put that ring on my finger I never wanted anything more. I was settled. This was it. I was ready for the daily life of loving someone and the forever it promised.

How was this different? How was this special? Why this man? I'm in love with him, foibles and all. To quote Phoebe, he's my lobster. Has been for years.  He's who, out of all the animals in the sea, I want to hold claws with. He's the man that knows me better than anyone and pushes me to be a better person. He's my champion and my cheering squad. I am interested in everything he does and everything he says. I want to know what fills his head and his heart. With him, the idea of a quiet night at home suddenly becomes the one place I want to be. He was my world and I was so thrilled we were going to have it.

My fears of marriage and being forgotten and being left alone were gone. I threw myself into life with him, even being 6,000 miles away. I called him my boyfriend and smiled when I looked at the ring, treasuring what it meant. I started to trust that my commitment fears were gone and I was sure of someone. I was sure of myself and my ability to be faithful and commit and be loyal to this man till the day I died.

Loyal. Commited. Faithful.

These are not words I would have given our relationship before these past months. I haven't played by those words and have now paid the price for that. I didn't treat it like it was special and needed to be cherished. I didn't know what it felt like to be secure. To be sure of someone. He is the only man who has taken the risk and said he is willing to change his life and be with me. He is the only man I am willing to change my life for.

The empty space where the ring once sat now haunts me and sends me onto a much different train of thought. I am not the person I was. I'm not the person who enjoyed an empty left finger and felt it was a sign of independence and "look, I don't need a man" attitude. What I see now is loneliness. What I see now is my failing as a partner. What I see now is the shadow of a life I didn't know I wanted until I lost it.

Until I lost him.
The most special thing I've had in my world.

It takes an amazing man to wrangle in a woman like me. A wonderful, patient and heartwarming man to change how I look at marriage and commitment and myself as a partner. He is that man. And I am still wrangled in.