Somewhere to go

As the anniversary of my fathers death gets closer I am sent on a wave of emotions every waking moment. Most of the time I keep myself so busy I don’t have time to sit and think. Thank the gods for the internet and its ability to keep me occupied while I am at work. I overbook myself so I don’t have to think about the pain or feel it. Except for once a week when I go to bereavemtn support group here at work, I am able to forget that it’s April, that it’s less than three weeks to the anniversary and a year ago today I was sitting next to him enjoying my time and craving more.

I want somewhere to go to remember him. He didn’t want a gravesite. He wanted to be cremated so we did. I think Sylvia scattered him in the ocean already but I’m not sure. I am going to send her a letter this weekend. Her and Dion, his best friend. But that’s not the point of this entry.

I want to be able to go somewhere on May 12^th and think about him and just be with him. He didn’t really come to LA much so there isn’t anything here that reminds me soley of him- just the very presence of being alive does that. But there is nothing to mark that he was here, nothing where I can go and cry and just remember him. I am really sad about that.

I thought about planting a tree in his name. Somewhere off the path where no one would bother it or cut it down. Where it would be free to just grow as it wanted to grow. But then I realized that I wanted something that I could add to every year and make a grove for him. Then I got pissed that I don’t have anything in my life permanent enough to mark his passing. So I thought about planting a tree through a service and realized that it is going to cost between $35-100 for the tree and some places only plant them a few times a year so I have to wait. So I got pissed that I have to wait and pissed that I’m 30 and still quabble over $35. What the hell?

I just want somewhere to go. The desire to have a place is deep within me and burns fierce. I have to figure this out without going crazy.

I feel the wall again the pain go up higher and stronger every day. I am shielding myself from the hurt. Keeping myself from the ache of his death. It hurts so much I can’t breathe sometimes.

It never goes away. I need to find a better coping skill.

The Google Experiment

Google has this great feature where it will autofill what it thinks you want it to. It is not done forcefully- more just a drop down menu where you can say “Yup, that’s what I want to ask” and it will search for you. Often I ignore this drop down because it’s not ever what I’m looking for. But this week I thought I’d use Google to my advantage and learn something.

Every day, or every hour when I was bored, I went to google.com and started typing whatever word I thought of. Sometimes I only typed in one or two letters. I wanted to see what google thought I wanted to search for. In the past week, I have learned many many things. Here are a couple of the more interesting.

I typed in: Sad wh

Google offered me: Sad when the great ship went down

I learned there is a camp song about when the Titanic sank. It’s an upbeat, folk song offsetting the sad topic.

I typed in: Some

Google offered me: Something Corporate

I found a boy band that hasn’t posted concert dates since 2007. I wonder what happened to them.

I typed in: Try

Google offered me: Try on hairstyles

I found a website where I can upload my picture and see which celebrity hairstyles would look good on my face. Now I only need the entourage of people to help me maintain the celebrity look throughout the day. And better lighting.

I typed in: Only

Google offered me: Only Heart Club

I learned there is an American Girl Doll knock off out there. It pushes the same pure morals (wholesome, age-appropriate image and positive message to girls) and has the same doll set up as far as being able to look just like you, get pets and decorate their room. At about a third of what the AG dolls cost, I can see why Target bought the brand to sell at their stores, but the dolls are scary looking. I’d rather save for the real thing. 

I am floored by the amount of information on the internet, useful and crap, and will continue doing this little experiment. I will no longer be lacking for cocktail party conversation.

I love the internet.

The Apology Room

One of the nice things about taking massage classes for my certificate is that we get to work on each other and then we get to be the bodies that are worked on. So four nights a week we get a massage. Usually the first night in the massage is not too good. We are still struggling with finger placement and body mechanics. The massages are painful and not fluid. There is a distinct difference between when an instructor touches us and when a student does. That’s just years of experience.

But the nightly massage is wonderful. Just being touched is such a healing feeling. That one of the mail reasons I am getting into massage. I want to help people. I want them to be able to let go of the bad and painful and start living the good and the healing. I cried last night during my massage. Not the huge bawling tears of an entire breakdown. Just the streaming tears of missing my father fully. Roger was working on my scapula and hit a tender spot and I apologized for jumping. He said “There’s no apologizing here.” Suddenly I was thrown back a year when dad and I would tell each other that the room was a “No Apology Zone” and no one needed to apologize for anything. For a while we kept apologizing for everything- him wetting himself, me not moving fast enough, him spilling something, me snapping at him, him not being able to do something, me not being able to understand what he wanted. Finally I told him we weren’t allowed to apologize to each other anymore. The situation was so awful and we were in it together, there was no need for anyone to take blame or responsibility. It worked for us, even on the days when one of us couldn’t stop crying, or felt that pain of guilt for not being able to do more. 

So last night when Roger said I didn’t have to apologize it suddenly brought back that feeling of being with dad and knowing that no matter what happened or what we said, we were safe and it was okay.

I suddenly missed him so much I almost couldn’t breathe.

I am not allowing myself to really feel his loss right now. That suppression of emotion manages to burst out at hard times. Like right now, when I am typing this sitting at work with tears streaming down my face. Hard to hide that from the people who come in since everyone here is so empathetic and kind.

Less than a month till the anniversary. It just seems so unreal and really, really not cool. I can feel myself starting to unravel. It is like a spiraling feeling where I don’t know where the end is going to be. Probably me sitting in the middle of my living room in the middle of the night rocking back and forth holding something soft. I have overbooked, over worked, over obsessed about everything all in the hopes of maybe barreling through this time without feeling anything. I don’t think I’m going to make it. The emotions have to come out one way or another. I can hold them back for only so long.

Today, however, I have to keep them in check. No crying receptionists!

I’ll go back to looking at puppies online and shopping for apartments near the beach. See, doing it again. Suppress the pain and maybe it will go away. (I know that is not how it works, but it is what the option is right now.)

More than one life?

I wonder how different my life would be if I had stayed with studying piano. Really taken it up as a life goal to play professionally. Would I have ever made it? I don’t have a natural aptitude to play the piano. I can read music and can sing the notes on the page. But I couldn’t play something for you that involved anything more than basic chords and transitions. Is that something I can learn?

What can I learn?

I am learning massage therapy right now. But I have a knack for it. There is a lot for me to learn, but I innately “get” it. There are people who do not. I can feel it when they touch me. But even the people who aren’t easily taught eventually learn it. I felt the difference last night after the girl worked on me for a while in class. It is a skill that can be taught.

I guess I’m just wondering if there are things we should and should not be doing. There are jokes about people who shouldn’t have kids and the people who should. There are career aptitude tests telling us what we should and should not be doing. But there are two things about that. What if what you should be doing is completely not available to you? What if that test told you that you would thrive as a teacher but in reality you have had three miscarriages and can’t emotionally stand being around children? What if you are a brilliant mathematician but you hate the idea of sitting behind a desk all day so you spend your time hiking outdoors with camp troupes? What if the test tells you that you should be in theater and an actress but timing and fate and the business as a whole has made that dream not a reality?

What do you do then? 

Do you change yourself to find the skills that allow you to succeed in the world where you want to? Or do you beat your head against a wall trying to use the talents you have, even though they aren’t getting you anywhere?

The idea is that we have 6-8 careers in our lives, not including raising children and going to school. That is a lot of time to discover what we want to do and where we want to be. I know that where I am in my life right now is not at all where I wanted to be when I was thinking about being 30. But I am 30 and my father is gone, I am not a famous, or even working, actress and I am still sitting at a desk in an office. I don’t think my life is stagnant at all. Just not what I thought it was going to be.

What continues to nag me is that there is something I should be doing and am not. A nagging idea that there is a talent I have that should be shared with the world and I am not using it. And, even scarier, that I have no idea what that talent is.

I guess all I can do is keep on keeping on, be the best in whatever I am doing at that time, and work hard to make sure that even if I am not living the life of divine purpose, I am living the best life for me.

Breaking down and rebuilding the Single Life Lists

I have a ton of time on my hands at work. I sit in front of a computer and wait for people to give me something to do, come in and ask for directions to a conference room, or for the coffee pot to get cold so I can make more. I try to walk around as much as possible so my ass doesn’t get large. I spent all last week obsessing about how much money was going to be coming in and where it was all going to go. I printed out the last six months of statements from my AmEx card, the card where all my debt lives, and started matching up payments to things that I have “paid off” so I have a visual idea of what I am sending each bill for. It is helping. I also made an Excel sheet with a column money coming in and money going out. It is really helping me see where I am spending my money and how to curtail it before it gets crazy. Who knew living on a budget was something I could actually do!

Every Monday I get my free tarot reading from msn.com and look at how it could effect my life. It has been interesting to see which days are right on the money and which days are really way off. But it fills some time.

Last week I was having dinner with a friend and I researched and printed out the Best Of OC for 2008 to give us some ideas for places to go for dinner. 

I have taken quizzes on which dog breed is right for me, then cut and pasted pictures so I would have a visual clue when I go to rescue shelters.

I have taken quizzes to help me know which careers would be good for me. I applied to Santa Monica College so I can take an online business course this summer. I have compared salaries for if I became a massage therapist, a physical therapist, a rap star or a day care center owner. I have found my personality color, my driving force number and learned the best ways to keep a Jewish man happy in a marriage.

But too much time online does become more than someone needs. I am actually bored. And I realized, as I continued to find websites and read articles, that I may be running out of things to do in my life as a single woman.

In an article on MSN.com yesterday I found a woman who gave the top things one should do before they get into a relationship. Things that only a single person can do and should be enjoying. Upon further googling I found many many lists like this. I also found list about why it’s great to be married, the top things you should do once you’re divorced, and how to have an affair with your kids teacher. Lots of information out there.

As far as the list for living the single life and loving it? I’ve done them all. Here are a few from the lists I have found.

Date a guy who's totally wrong for you just because he has amazing abs. 

Collect at least six country stamps on your passport, including one from a place that until recently you didn't even know existed. 

Embrace feminine decor. 

Take advantage of the whole bed. 

Spend an embarrassing amount of money on a designer bag you love or heels that make you feel incredibly sexy. 

Learn how to change a tire and work a drill. 

Get a grip on your dough.

Hone a signature lingerie style. 

Want a cat? Heed this advice: Buy it now. 

If all you feel like eating for dinner is ice cream and diet soda, buy a cone and pop a Coke, do it. 

Use tons of hot water in the a.m.

Take your celeb crush to the max. 

Plan your fantasy wedding. 

Start a pleasure ritual that a change in your relationship status can't disturb. 

Set up your home in a way that fits your needs. 

Get a hobby

Learn to take care of yourself

Travel alone

Be single

Celebrate you

There is also the idea that when the time is right, the right person will come into my life. I bought that last year when my dad was sick and I was thankful to have the freedom to go home. Then when he passed it wasn’t the time because I was still mourning. So I continue to wait.

And getting special recognition- Be happy with being single, complete yourself as a person, and the right person will come alone. Well that’s just silly. I am complete as a person. I bought that BS two years ago when I was detoxing from serial monogamy, but now I’m all set. I love me, I love where I am and I love where my life is going. So what is the universe waiting for now?

The interesting thing is not that I have done these things. I have been single for almost three years. I’ve had time to hone the single life and live the free-as-a-bird dream. What I find most interesting is that I want more lists. I want a list that is more……well, just more. I need another list of thigns to cross off so I can keep myself busy and fulfilling while I’m here.

So here is my ever-changing, always exciting, very fulfilling list of things to do while I’m single. These are things I haven’t done yet, but will.

Train an animal for a specific, selfless reason. In my case it will be as a puppy trainer or with a therapy dog.

Buy a car without asking for help on that day. I’ll ask for advice prior and go to everyone I can think of. But the day I sign the papers and drive that car home- it is all me.

Design my dream home and where I want it to be.

Learn how to make truffles.

Go to a bar, sit alone, and collect phone numbers. Maybe I’ll call, maybe I won’t. But I will go home knowing that I am a desired woman.

Get published. Once I’m happily in a relationship it’s going to be hard to get work as a single girl writer. I need to find my voice before I can have it changed.

Let go of the “I never have and I never will.” Disappointments in life are inevitable. I seem to carry a lot more around with me than I need to. They range from not having a family younger so I can have years without them when I’m older to going to the “wrong” college and wishing I could go back. I have got to live in the now and realize that the decisions I made are what brought me here. The ease of which I let go of my dream to dance with the American Ballet Company has to be applied to my disappointment that I’m not married to a millionaire.

These are the ones I can think of now. I’m sure that on my way to class or as I run tomorrow morning, I will think of more. But what I need to remember is that there is someone out there who loves me. There is someone out there who is looking for me. And that while finding someone to love you and to love in return is a gift and a version of completion, ultimately I am really good as I am and I will be, no matter the path relationships take in my life.

Thanks for listening.

Can't stop the crying

I have been crying for two hours now. I have a headache and am wide awake. Not so good for the audition that I have to be at tomorrow morning. But that's not why I'm writing.

I just reread my blogs from last year. There is so much I left out. I hope to be able to go back through those two months and fill in some blanks. I wrote in my journal a lot. Just wish I was able to take the memories I have visually in my head and put them on paper. Turn the feelings and rushed of emotions I feel when I think about him into words so you could feel it too. I am scared I'll forget him. So maybe if I write down everything I remember, that won't happen.

Been missing everyone recently. Wonder if something is going to happen. Miss grandma more and more. Miss grandpa Lou a lot. And grandma Marge is even making an apperance more often than usual. Maybe it's just the passing of time. The realization that their absence in my life is permanent. Permanent and painful.

Going to take a few Mortin and try to sleep. It's a valiant effort.

A slap in the face

My father is dead. Forever. Never coming back. Gone. For good and there is nothing I can do to change that. And I don't know what to do with that reality.

How can it continue to hurt so much. As I write this tears are streaming down my cheeks and my stomach hurts with the pain that only true loss can create. The pain that only comes when a void has been created and there is no cure. When you've lost something so dear to you it feel like your chest is going to cave in from the pressure of the loss.

I miss my father.

I miss him so powerfully I can't breathe. I can't function. I miss his smile, the sound of his voice, the way he smelled, the feel of his hugs, his laughter, the way he looked at things, the way he...... the way he just existed and was himself. There is so much I miss about him and I think of more every day. I miss just being with him. I miss him being alive.

I just hurt so much. And it's a hurt that I don't know what to do with. No one can take it away. No one can fix it. No one can even really understand it. I don't even fully get it. I just know that when these waves of pain come over me I can't function. I sit in a chair and moan with the kind of pain that one would associate with a broken bone. I can't breathe, I can't stop rocking. I can't form a logical thought, let alone a sentence. This blog has taken me over an hour to finish because I keep stopping as wave rush over me.

I want something to distract me and take the overwhelming sadness away. But then I feel guilty because I should be feeling this. And someday it will ebb. And then I'll want the pain again. What is that? What kind of messed up logic is that?

I guess by hurting this much I am keeping him with me. Keeping him alive inside me. If I can hurt this much then it did happen and it was real and he is still here a little bit.I just miss him so much.

My sister bought a house today. She and her husband signed the papers. I hate that dad wasn't here for her to celebrate. I hate that for the rest of our lives he is gone. I can't deal with that right now. I can't take in something that big. That huge. That life changing. Maybe it's just hitting me now. Maybe I've been in a bubble for 9 months. Maybe now is when I'm dealing with the reality that is my fathers death. My sister said she sat on her bed for over an hour, crying and holding the box of his ashes in his lap.

I don't know what it is. I'm running from something, have been running from something, for almost a year now. And it's catching up to me with a ferocity I am not ready for. Nor am I prepared for. I don't even know what to bring to battle.

Done with the single life today

I have been in NYC for over two weeks now and I continue to love this city. I love this city for a million reasons and could name them all. There is a lot going on in this brain of mine. A lot to flush out and a lot to figure out. But tonight all I want is to vent about being single.

I'm done being single. I'm done being alone. Hard to believe I can be sitting here in a city of 8 million people and feel so completely alone.

So I'm throwing it to the universe. I'm ready for him. I will welcome him with open arms and an open heart.

I have done this before and not much has happened (obviously, since I am still single) but I am willing to try again. This time with some different rules/guidelines. I am not going to date men I have had in my life before. I am not going to date a man I have had relations with in the past. I am not going to date a man who doesn't call. I am not going to date a man who brings drama into my world. I am not going to date a man who can't accept me and love me and respect me.

My future holds a great man in it. A man who will stand by me when I am sick, balding, fat, pregnant, tired, vomiting.......what else........ugly, chapped, pissy, angry, bloated, gassy........there's more, I'm sure of it......PMS-ing, moody, hungry, drunk, poor, rich........and everything else I will eventually be in my life. He will love me. He will grow with me. He will see our relationship as a partnership that is for the good of both of us. He will garden with me. He will putter and laugh and cook and be there for me.

He will be there for me.

That's the biggest one isn't it. Someone who will be there for us. Someone who sees the flaws and holds our hands because of them. Someone who wants to sit across from you at the retaurant you've been to a thousand times because you like the fresh pitas. Someone who will sit on the phone with you for hours because he wants to hear how your day was. Someone who wants to hear your voice every day. Who can't get to sleep until they talk to you. Who starts the morning thinking about you. Someone who will be there for you. Always.

That's what I feel is lacking right now in my life. I have amazing friends. I have the best friends anyone could ask for. I can ask them for anything. I would do anything for them without batting an eye. They come with me on the crazy things I invent. They humor me and listen to the million stories I want to share. They sit patiently on the other side of the line while I try to figure out how to budget $500 six different ways. My friends are amazing. And they will always be there for me.

But as I sit in this hotel room, missing my father more with ever passing second, I am alone. All I want is to turn towards the bed and have the man I'm in love with be sitting against the wall, reading a book and just existing in this world with me. Because tonight I feel alone. And all I want is someone to be here for me.

Thus ends the pity party.  Thanks for listening.

I did it!

April 5th 2009 is the start of the Spring Session for Hands on Healing massage therapy certification classes. I have been carrying around the application for 7 months. I have been thinking of this as a trade career for years, ever since someone in high school told me I had great hands. Today I wrote the check and put it in the mail. I'm actually doing this. Going back to school. Taking a step towards something. Scary as hell and yet I feel like I have accomplished something.

The universe can't steer a parked bus. Even if I'm heading on a very long detour, I'm heading somewhere.

Now if I could only get my taxes done......

Blog Fun!

I redesigned my blog.

Just because I could.

Update for a New Year

Okay okay okay. I know it's February. Well, almost the middle of February. And I should have written more by now. I know that! Does it make a difference that I have been writing, just not here? I've finished the lyrics for three songs and written two magazine articles. Have also started flushing out the graphic novel, the stage musical and the fiction book I have dancing around in my head. That's a lot of writing. As well as journaling every day. Whew!

- Christmas is over. I'm happy and sad. Sad because it is my big money maker for the year. And I get to sing for a living with people I love. Happy it's over because I no longer have to get face family traditions and gathering where my father is noticeably absent. So now I have 10 months before that again.

- New Years Eve was great. I drank, played Flip Cup, cheered in 2009 and went home. It was a good night and I woke up the next day feeling healthy and ready to take on the year.

- Road trip with my US Air Force friend. An interesting ten days. Flew to Florida, getting stopped in Atlanta for 8 hours due to a flight cancellation. Drove through four states in a day. Then took two days to drive through Texas. (What the hell were they thinking when they mapped that out?) Ate crap Mexican food in El Paso. Crossed the Arizona border twice. Stayed in Vegas for three days and didn't do anything but sit around the hotel room with my friend and her parents. Then was the driver straight up to Idaho with the flu. Not quite sure why I signed up for this trip. Am still trying to figure out what I was supposed to learn.

- And now back to temp hell. Ta dah!!

Concerns me to no end that I have no life focus. I'm a Sag. I know that I am inconsistent and change my mind all the time. I like change. No, wait..... I LOVE change. I love new days with full schedules and challenges. Meeting up with my friends and going somewhere. Watching complete seasons of my favorite show instead of sleep. Inconsistency is my way of life. However, that doesn't pan out well in the workplace. I don't know where to go and what choice to make next! And it's not for lack of trying. I think about this all the time.

Here is just a small sample of the job ideas I have for myself: (in no particular order)
- own my own production company
- own a vineyard in Napa
- be a veterinarian in a small town with great houses
- own a boat and travel the world as a photographer
- write for a newspaper
- work with Elite Racing to plan running events
- a hospice counselor
- physical therapist
- sommelier
- novelist
- relationship/sex therapist
- massage therapist
- wedding offciant
- edit movie trailers
- voice overs and jingles
- sing in lounges
- work with the circus
- train animals for the movies

The list is longer. And more varied. And there isn't a clue in my body of which is the way to go.

So as I sit here at yet another temp job, typing away and filling my hours so they'll pay me, I know there is something out there for me. I know there is a path and a decision and a direction. I am just missing the focus.

Oh look- a butterfly!