Sunday, May 3, 2009

Somewhere to go

As the anniversary of my fathers death gets closer I am sent on a wave of emotions every waking moment. Most of the time I keep myself so busy I don’t have time to sit and think. Thank the gods for the internet and its ability to keep me occupied while I am at work. I overbook myself so I don’t have to think about the pain or feel it. Except for once a week when I go to bereavemtn support group here at work, I am able to forget that it’s April, that it’s less than three weeks to the anniversary and a year ago today I was sitting next to him enjoying my time and craving more.


I want somewhere to go to remember him. He didn’t want a gravesite. He wanted to be cremated so we did. I think Sylvia scattered him in the ocean already but I’m not sure. I am going to send her a letter this weekend. Her and Dion, his best friend. But that’s not the point of this entry.


I want to be able to go somewhere on May 12th and think about him and just be with him. He didn’t really come to LA much so there isn’t anything here that reminds me soley of him- just the very presence of being alive does that. But there is nothing to mark that he was here, nothing where I can go and cry and just remember him. I am really sad about that.


I thought about planting a tree in his name. Somewhere off the path where no one would bother it or cut it down. Where it would be free to just grow as it wanted to grow. But then I realized that I wanted something that I could add to every year and make a grove for him. Then I got pissed that I don’t have anything in my life permanent enough to mark his passing. So I thought about planting a tree through a service and realized that it is going to cost between $35-100 for the tree and some places only plant them a few times a year so I have to wait. So I got pissed that I have to wait and pissed that I’m 30 and still quabble over $35. What the hell?


I just want somewhere to go. The desire to have a place is deep within me and burns fierce. I have to figure this out without going crazy.


I feel the wall again the pain go up higher and stronger every day. I am shielding myself from the hurt. Keeping myself from the ache of his death. It hurts so much I can’t breathe sometimes.


It never goes away. I need to find a better coping skill.