The New Hat Dad Wears

I wonder if a day will ever pass when I don’t think of my father having cancer. It’s an interesting shift. Kind of like when you become a parent. No matter what happens to that child, you are forever a mother/father. Or when you become a sibling. Or get your college degree. There are certain titles you have, whether you use them or not. Being a cancer patient must seem that way too. No matter when he beats this, he will forever be a cancer patient. That’s a hat I am sure he never intended on wearing.

Dad is in good spirits. Have talked with him a lot this week. I like it. I like being connected to him.

I love talking as much as we do. He went to a New Patient Orientation on Wednesday. There is a group at UC Davis Medical Center called "Legacy" which is a support/information group for lung cancer patients. Turns out it wasn’t only for new patients, which turned out to be a better thing for him. He met patients that have been battling for years and keep kicking. He met people who fought lung cancer, beat lung cancer and still come to the meetings for support. One woman has been going for the 5 years since she's been cured. He met survivors and fighters. And I have noticed a difference in his outlook, even in the last two days. I was worried about depression but I think as he is able to get a "game plan" for his health he is able to see the brighter side of this. The hope that is there.

Today he had two apts for his back pain. I am eager to hear what they are going to do about it. He is popping so many pills and I hope that at some point we will all be able to find something non-drug to help. Apparently I need to get online and google up some information.

My sister had to put her cat down yesterday. That just added to the suckiness in her life. I worry about her a lot. Not that she can’t cope with everything that is coming at her. It is just so much and I hate to see her struggle so much. I care for her deeply and want her to be happy. I think she is on the road to that and I wish I could help.

The short version of the story is that Dad is in better spirits which makes me smile and feel better for him. I like hearing the lilt in his voice again. I am not going home this weekend. Am staying in LA to work and get some things in line. It’s fine. I mean, I miss everyone terribly but we are good for right now. Dad is fine, Sylvia is fine, Cristin is fine, Emily is fine…..okay we’re not “fine” but no one is struggling to get through the day. I figured I might as well save my travel time for when we can’t see past tomorrow.

Thanks for listening.

Back at the office

I am sitting at my desk back at Disney. Whoopee.

Strange to think there is an entire business that needs to be run and I have my part in it that still needs to get played. I have to set the meetings and send out the letters and moderate the phone calls. I have to hold up my end of the world down here. My boss asked how my dad was. I don't think he quite knew what to say when I told him. I think that is how a lot of people feel. They just know that is sucks and they don't know how to say something to make it not suck. I am quickly learning who to talk to and who to avoid. There is a guy I know down here who's father passed three years ago. I thought he would be able to give a little support and some insight to how he handled it. not so much. When I told him Dad was sick he had the cavalier mentality that all old people die and it is just what happens.

But he's not old! He's only 52 for foot's sake. He is young enough to fight this and make it through. I don't have granduer ideas that he will be around for decades. That thought was killed the moment he told us about the spot on the scan. I knew at that moment that I would be lucky to get another six years of time with him. That thought stops me in my tracks. I don't like to think about that side of this illness.

I don't really feel like doing anything other than what has to get done. Is that normal? The idea of watching a movie, cooking food, going to the store, talking to friends, organizing my room, taking a shower.....nothing but the essentials seem to matter. Although some people would argue that a shower is essential. I will go for a run tonight. A nice long run where I can sweat out the chocolates I can't seem to stop eating. And the coffee. No more pizza though. I realized that I spent $100 on pizza last month. That's not smart. For my waisline or my wallet.

Everyone in the family is worried. No one wants to step on toes and say something that is going to make the other person worry more. I don't want to dump anything on dad, but at the same time he is the guy that I take my problems to. He knows the guy drama. He knows the work issues. He know me better than anyone on the planet and is the strongest opinion I want. So I have to get past thinking it is burdening him. Cristin doesn't want to worry me at all so I know she is going to keep her feelings about everything inside for fear of adding to my worries. That can't continue. She is the only other person in the world who is going to feel what I feel. She is the sister that is going to be able to understand when I tell her the deep fears I have. She is the one closest to having the same experience I am going through. Emily is going to experience this loss in a completely different way. I can't even begin to think of what is going through her mind.

When I was at Raley's the other night I saw a dad and daughter walking around shopping. He was in a suit and tie, she was in soccer gear with her hair pulled up. Reminded me of dad and me. I was hit with about a million different thoughts. Realized that dad might not be going to Emily's HS soccer games. Remembered the times after a volleyball game when we would stop for pizza on the way home. Remembered all the little things that I guess will just become part of living.

I have never been one to remember everything. Cristin is amazing at that. She remembers things that I have totally forgotten. I'm glad she does. It makes me smile that she has this whole wealth of knowledge that she can pull from. It makes for interesting dinners. But lately I am getting flashes of things that I had long ago put into my memory. Nothing huge. Nothing life altering. But brilliantly clear images of my life with my dad. That is a really cool thing.

No more alcohol. No more dairy. More flaxseed and no more processed food. Dad is on an eating regime and I am joining him. There is so much evidence of a whole foods diet being a way to kick this in its ass. Now if he would just stop smoking......but that's a different blog.

Thanks for listening.

Home from the hospital

Dad is home today from UCDavis hospital. His back is really bothering him. I have never seen him in so much pain. He winces with every step, almost with every breath. The problem with back pain is that it tends to take over everything else. You can't do anything without pain so everything becomse depressing and not worth it.

I don't really know how to help. After watching Larry go through a little of the same pain I know that it is a deeply personal pain that just makes life miserable. I am here for the weekend and doing everything he asks for. I want to just take a wand and make the pain go away. I want to be able to do something. I feel helpless. And I have a feeling this helplessness won't go away.

Right now we are sitting, he's lying, in the living room. We are trying to keep track of all the appointments he needs to set up and get to and all the meds he needs to take. It's overwhelming. I can't even imagine the burden he is carrying.

On the way home last night we stopped by Raley's to pick up his newest regiment of pain pills. He mentioned a feeling of dejavu from when he was in my position with his mom as she was going through all the hospitals and medications. I remember the numerous trips he would take down to Las Vegas to be with her and walk grandpa through everything. He managed to balance his life here, work and still keep us happy and busy. He said he and grandma were able to laugh about things and have a lightness about it. I don't know that I will be laughing any time soon. He said he felt guility that all this was being dumped on me and having to take care of him. I told him that guilt could not come in to what we are fighting. There can be no guilt or apologizes or anything.

I don't know how coherent these blogs will be. Today I am not crying. Today is about getting appointments set up and things in line. Today is about making sure he's comfortable and eating. Today is about making sure when I go back to work on Tuesday he is set up and doing okay. This weekend is about making sure Sylvia will be fine when I go back during the week.

I know I will come back here. I know I will be quitting my job and spending the better part of the rest of the year up here. There is no way I can stay so far away. Emily needs us all around. Dad needs support and care, someone to drive him all over and keep track of everything because he can't see through a fog of morphine. Cristin needs someone to watch Daniel so she can have time with Dad. Sylvia needs support so she doesn't feel alone. This is something we all will be fighting together and I can't see what a job has to do with anything. I am not jumping the gun yet. I am not running back on Tuesday and giving notice. There is a lot of waiting still to happen and paychecks to make.

Wow- just the crappiest waiting game I have ever played.

Thanks for Listening

A Map of the Land

This blog is a way for my family to stay in touch, vent their feelings, post interesting things they see online, post information, ask questions.....really just anything they way to do. And for our friends to be able to go on this journey with us.

Let me introduce you to people who may stop by. Plus then you'll have an idea of who I am talking about. I am the eldest of 3 girls (me, Cristin, Emily) and one step-sister (Emily Jo). My mother, Marianne, is a teacher who got married to Larry in 2005. Cristin married Andy in 2004 and had the first grandbaby/nephew, Daniel, in 2006. There is also family in Washington State, Colorado, Florida, West Virginia, and all over California. We are a close bunch who write often and keep in touch throughout everything.

My father, Paul, is the reason I started this blog. He lives with his girlfriend, Sylvia, and their two cats. He is a lawyer and owns a lighting company. He is a lifelong smoker and happy drinker. He loves having a good time and is a good person.

He is the love of my life and the man I look up to most.

This past weekend Cristin and I sat down with him and Sylvia and were told he had found a spot in his lung about 4cm in diameter. Something that size can really only be one thing.

Cancer.

Scary, sad, depressing, frightening, pissy, frustrating, angry, awful, mean, unknown......cancer.

Two years ago we lost our grandmother to pancriatic cancer. That same month we lost our great-uncle to cancer. Both were fast and painful. Both were sad and hopeless and unnerving. That is really all I have to go on when I look down the path of lung cancer.

We don't know what "type" it is. We don't know what stage or best treatments or anything. We don't know if it has spread or if it's in more than one place. Hell, we actually can't confirm that it is even cancer until we get the tests back next week. It's just what we all worry it is. We don't know what to do with the small amount of information we do have.

We do know that we have to fight. We have to be positive and we have to continue to live. This blog is for my family to come and vent and cry and say things that are too hard to say in person. I am hoping that by posting here we open the lines between us. It's also a blog for other people going through the same thing. A blog for friends to come to when they want to know what is going on but don't want to feel like a bother. A blog to offer a real look into the awful and amazing thing life can be, all at the same time.

I am scared. I am pissed. I am sadder than I have ever been. I am hopeful. I am worried. I am every emotion one can possibly be right now. it's overwhelming.

My father is an amazing man. He is kind, loving, generous, smart as a whip, funnier than anyone I know, open, tolerant, stubborn, gentle......pretty much all the good and some bad. He is a fighter and he is an honest son of a bitch. Nothing gets by him.

And I refuse to let this get him without a fight.

Thanks for listening.