Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Because He Deserves This

In this life, if we are lucky enough, we get to love and be loved by wonderful people. I am that lucky.

This blog is severely overdue. I have wanted to write it for a while, but keep getting distracted in life. This is a problem for me. I think about something important that I want to do/should do and instead of following through and getting it done, I get distracted with something not as important. Now the time is here. And even now, looking at this blog, all the words I write are not enough to encapsulate the joy and happiness and just “he’s a good person” this man brings into the world. 

There is a man in my life who is the best thing that has happened to me. He personifies wonderful on every level. He doesn’t know I’m writing this. I don’t know if he’ll ever read it. But the truth is, he is deserving of this praise on a public level. He deserves all good on every level.

We have all heard the poetic expression that the eyes are the window to the soul. I didn’t really believe it. I have seen too many eyes that lie. His don’t. His eyes hold every emotion he’s thinking. When he looks at me I can see who he is. I can see the pain. I can see the joy. I can see love for me like I have never seen before. An open and accepting love that trumps anything I’ve ever had. His eyes are a gorgeous brown, a soft and inviting brown, that make you want to lose yourself in their secrets. I have never met someone in whose eyes I want to spend my life. I have found that in him. 

He is the most passionate person I have ever met. He has passion for theater like no one else I know and he will fight to the death to keep his passion alive. He works hard for everything he has and everything he wants. I have never seen him take a short cut or under cut something. He has goals and dreams that are life-altering and huge and in the same breath he will tell you the realities in life are important and can’t be ignored. He is able to balance the drive and passion of an artist with the logic and focus of an accountant. It’s a gift I envy and admire. There is a lot he can teach this world. I hope he does.

His body is strong and powerful. When you wrap your fingers around his biceps, the tips don’t meet. His shoulders are strong with the ability to carry the weight of his life as well as the concerns of his family and friends. I love sitting next to him on the train, sliding my hand over his shoulders and back, feeling his strong muscles relax under my touch. His torso holds such power and I have seen him wield that power on several occasions, much to the detriment of a bus stop. His stride is confident and sure, with the character of a man who is aware of who he is. When he walks into a room you want to be next to him, feel him, know him. There are few places in this world I feel safe. There are few places I fully relax and just exist. Wrapped in his arms is the top of that list.

He has self confidence I admire. He has self-assuredness and esteem I wish for all the people in my life. I love his body for everything that it is: my ideal body holding my ideal man.

This man is funny and making him laugh is one of my great joys. The boisterous laugh that comes from deep in his soul, because he does everything from his soul. This man is smart. I am not afraid to ask him a question because I know he will not look down on me for not knowing. He understands that we are all always learning. When he doesn’t know the answer, we go find it together. He is constantly teaching me. This man has the incredible mind of a steel trap, able to quote movies and books at the mere suggestion of needing inspiration. If you can’t find the words for something, he will. 

He is a brilliant writer. His writing leaves me breathless and always wanting to read more. Then he reads them to me. There is nothing more wonderful than hearing beautiful writing being read out loud to you by the author in a melodic voice that can calm a polar bear. I consider myself among the lucky ones to have sat next to him as he reads story after story to me. When he asks if I want to hear something he’s written, there is no hesitation in my reply. I always want to say, “yes”.

I want to say “yes” to him all the time. Take a trip? Yes. Watch a movie? Yes. Go into a book store we just discovered? Yes. Grab a cider? Yes. Go for a walk along the canals? Yes. He is the reason I enjoy life. He is the person who has stopped me from my vicious cycle of destruction and shown me life is good and once I peel away the damaged parts of me, accept them and let them go for good, this life is a gorgeous piece of shit that can be enjoyed and appreciated.

This man is one of my best friends in the world and I will miss him terribly when September comes and we part. Although I know I will see him again. I have to. 

This man has changed my life. It’s not hyperbolistic to say he has changed me.  And every breath I breathe, for the rest of it, will be with him beside me. 


Thursday, July 5, 2012

Taking a Break

I thought about deactivating my blog while I work through what I'm doing with my life. Quite frankly, it's hard for me to read some of the ridiculous posts I've written. I sound like an idiot. But then I realized I would just be hiding, again, and that is not the point of life. The point of my life is not to hide. It's not to lie. It's not to pretend. The point of my life is to face how I've lived, accept myself and then work to be better.

Plus it does me good to look at what I've written, remind myself the decisions I've made so I never walk down that road again.

And on another note, this blog is currently not doing my father proud. I began this as a place for me to talk about my dad and connect with people about cancer and life. Not as a place to flush out my life problems publicly. I haven't been making my father, or my family, proud with this blog and I want to. I want to make myself proud.

Instead I am going to take a break from writing in it. There is nothing so interesting in my life that it needs to be online. It's just my life. It's the same reason I deleted my twitter. My life is just as interesting as anyone else's and there is no need to pretend it's more. Less time online and more time with myself.

So until I learn to live in the now, until I appreciate the good I have in my life, until I can stand in the middle of my room and be totally comfortable that it's just me and be truly okay with that, this blog will go dark. When it comes again, believe me it will be the genuine and lovely blog I set out for it to be.

Thanks for listening.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Please Fucking Look! - Amie

I am a shit person. There is no more denying that. I make snap decisions. I judge people. And frequently I assume things that aren't true. I am always wrong.

My journal has been a source of comfort for me. For years I have written down what I think about people, what I feel about myself and my worries about life. Rereading these entries, I see that more often than not I am just repeating myself. However, one entry is coming back to bite me in the ass and I need to clarify something I thought about.

The following is an entry I wrote a week after my boyfriend and I slept together:

"He isn't my physical ideal. He's overweight, but very cute. He is thoughtful and sensitive and really smart. There is a part of me that's struggling because he isn't a heart-throb. (Everything I'm about to say is going to make me sounds vain and selfish. But I have to be honest.) Let's be honest, he used to smell and I wasn't at all impressed by him. He is sloppy overweight. He's sometimes a very annoying clown that I just don't take very seriously and I wonder what people will think of me dating him. Isn't that awful? I know I can get someone physically better looking."

I am an awful person and will spend my life living with that reality.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

The Truth, The Whole Truth

I am a liar. 

I have a feeling there are a few people who just read that and thought, it's okay, everyone lies. But you know what? No they don't. People who are good people DON'T LIE. I know because I am dating one of the good ones. And because of my fucked up logic, my inability to just be as open and honest as he is, my inability to trust that the truth (ALL THE TRUTH) won't send people running, I am in danger of destroying the one thing I have done right in my personal life.

For the past nine years I have been "in love" with a man who was, for all intents and purposes, married.  Yup- I was that girl. The guy? My baritone for 7+ years in The Mistletones and other quartets, Mr. Casey Marshall. I thought it didn't matter if I wrote his name. I was wrong. It matters. What also matters is that I continually put myself in that situation. What matters is that I lied, continuously, for almost nine years.

There is a huge slice of truth.

When I started dating my boyfriend this past March he knew about my ex. He did not know the extent of time that fucked up relationship lasted. I didn't tell him the whole truth. I'm certain he would have made the smart choice and suggest we remain friends. I would not fault him for that. Because it would have saved him dealing with, and being frustrated by, my truth games.

Being the mistress of someone (because, let's be honest, that's what I was) messes with your sense of right and wrong. It destroys the ability to tell the truth. I have spent almost a decade telling half truths. Half truths to my parents and sisters about who I'm dating (some guy I work with) and then not dating (we broke up) and then not telling them when he and I started dating again (nope, still looking for the right one). I'm told half truths to my friends (nope, still single. Just waiting for the right guy to come along. I've waited this long so he has to be wonderful). I've told half truths to my ex (No, he's just a friend. No, I love you and only want to be with you. No, it doesn't bother me that you have kids. No, it doesn't bother me that you still live with her. No, of course I trust that you don't have anyone else. No, I totally want a life with you.)


Who the HELL lives a life of half truths? Sociopaths, that's who. People who cannot function in the reality of life so they make up a better one in their head. It's a disaster, this life I have been living. And I refuse to live it any more. I cannot live it any more.

Because it's destroying this life I love with the man I love.

I am still telling half-truths and thinking it's right. And the messed up part is, it's not even to hide anything. There is nothing I want to hide. I want to tell this man everything. I want him to know all of the dark corners that fill me. I want him to be privy to everything so he has the choice to stay or go. And yet, my fear of losing him because of the hot mess I am (the damaged woman I have made myself) keeps me from telling everything. Even when it doesn't matter.

That's what I don't get. IT DOESN'T MATTER! He's going to stay or go dependent on if he wants to. My not telling the entire truth isn't going to help that. It's not going to help him stay, that's for damned certain. When will I understand that?

This post is not done. This is a really big issue in my life and I am honestly flatten with how to handle myself. My life is filled with ugly truths. Painful, ugly, heartbreakingly stupid truths.

I can't change what I did in the past. I can't use it as an excuse and I can't keep falling into the "Well I was young and stupid" explanations. If people leave because they don't like the truth of my past, I can't stop that. If people decide not to be my friend because they can't trust me, I can't stop that. But I can stop messing up the future. I can stop half-truths. If they leave because of how I'm acting now, that's my own fault.

My boyfriend deserves the whole truth. He is a good man who loves me. He's patient and kind and totally honest with me. He is a great human and he deserves the whole truth, every time. Everyone does. Today is another chance for me to prove that.

I can't keep living my life like this. It changes now.

Why Not Just Delete It?

I have used this blog as a way to keep in touch with the world. You know what? No one cares. I have used this blog as a way to give advice through my own life experiences and hopefully help other people. You know what? No one cares, especially if the stories I put down are NOT TRUE! I have used this blog to paint a better picture of myself than what is there. Someone funnier, sexier, wittier, smarter, more in touch with life.........

You know what the truth is? I'm not. I'm not any funnier than the next person. I'm not any smarter than the next person. I'm not endowed with any kind of gift any more than the next person. I am a messed up piece of work who is damaged goods with a massively long road in front of me if I ever want to be a productive member of society again.

My boyfriend commented on a post I wrote before we got together. It was about how my ex and I had broken up and how heartbroken I was. What a load of CRAP! I was heartbroken at the time, don't get me wrong. But going back and reading that post makes me want to VOMIT. What a load of horse dung sentimental shit.

The relationship was toxic. That man was toxic. I spent NINE YEARS loving someone who didn't care enough to actually man up and do something about it. Why the HELL am I giving him "oh I miss him so much" blog space?

I am so tempted to delete that post. (And by extension all the other "I'm so heartbroken I could die" posts.) I hate everything it represents. I hate that it shows me weak and too stupid to not fall for the stories I was told. It shows me as someone who just wanted to stop playing a game, so I was willing to set myself up for another one. It shows me as someone who was settling. It shows me as a self-aggrandizing, egotistical, head-in-the-clouds child who wasn't growing up and facing the reality that was smack in front of her.

I'm not sure why I didn't grow up sooner. I'm not sure why I have been stilted in the emotional range of a 15-year-old. There is a lot of therapy in my future. I know that for sure. But what I am sure of is that by keeping that blog (that stupid, silly, insane, asinine, blubber-filled, ridiculous blog) I will read it an continue to hate what I did. I will read it as a reminder of the STUPID woman that I was. I will read it as a reminder that I allowed myself to get screwed over for almost a decade. I will read it as a reminder to NEVER do that again.

I might not be better than my past. But I can sure as hell be better in the future.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Have a Little Faith

Die hard sports fans are infallible. They love their team. They root for their team no matter what odds are against them. Their dedication struck a new chord in me a few days ago when I thought about the signs they hold up once their team has won. On the TV screen I watched the camera pan past the screaming, cheering fans and saw a few holding up congratulation signs. Signs pronouncing their team the victors. Signs that had to have been written before they came so they would be ready when the final whistle blew.

These fans came to the game expecting their team to win. They know there's a chance they won't. It is a sports game, after all, and those are less than predictable. But the pre-made signs show that these fans had faith that their team would win and the signs would be seen.

"Why can't I have that brand of faith in myself?" I wondered.

A few weeks ago my boyfriend asked if I have faith in anything. I told him I have faith that I'll wake up tomorrow, that I will have food to eat and people around me to love. I told him I have faith that the sun won't come falling out of the sky and I won't be eaten by a rabid dog. He asked if I have faith in myself.

And, as he is known to do, he took my breath away and gave me pause. Faith in myself? Well.....of course I do. Don't I?

The truth is - No, I don't. I believe in myself. I know that I can land in any city and find work, a place to live and make friends. I believe I can tackle any role and thrive. I believe I am a good person who does good work and tries her hardest. However, I do not have that "made before the game" faith.

Why haven't I ever made a 5 year plan? My excuse has been that the world of entertainment is too volatile and subjective for me to plan anything. I have to be ready for the unknown. The reality is, I haven't had faith in myself that I can be a success.

That's a hard pill to swallow. But I'm taking the challenge and now is the time to change. It is time to have faith in Amie Bjorklund.

I am a good actress. I know I am on this earth to act, to perform, to invest in myself and to be great. I know I am here for good things. I am here to love and to be loved.

During that conversation he asked me to have faith in "us". Told me to have faith in the good we are.

I do.

Now it's time to add faith in myself to the pile. It's time to make a five year plan that I stick to. It's time to write out my Oscar acceptance speech. It's time to write out what I'll say when I win my Tony. It's time to pick out the jewelry I'll wear to my red carpet premiere. It's time to decide what gift I'll give myself when I land that blockbuster movie role.

But first, it's time to make a sign, congratulating "Team Amie" on her victory.

I know she can do it.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Mirror Mirror

When I bought my now ancient iPhone 3G in 2009 I had the option to buy a screen cover that was a mirror. My immediate thought was, "who would need that?" I don't carry a mirror around with me and it didn't even occur to me that at some point during the day I might want to check my reflection. I chose to get the basic screen cover. Since then I have thought about that choice more often then I thought I would. There have been moments I needed a mirror and I flash to standing in the AT&T store and mentally slap myself for not upgrading to the mirror option. But just because I don't hold a mirror to myself doesn't keep other people from doing it for me.

Mirrors are vital to bettering ourselves. We can do reps for hours but until we look in the mirror and see how we may be adjusting a different muscle group to make the rep easier, we won't know we're doing it. We can blindly, and happily, walk around the city all day, but without the reflection in the shop window showing us we actually have bed hair and mismatched socks we will continue to think we look amazing. Our habits, our daily life, is just our perception until we get that mirror held up to us. Sometimes by force.

Recently I was made aware of my habit to punish an innocent party because of someone else's treatment of me. He pretty much said, "I can't spend my life apologizing for what he did to you."

Talk about a lightbulb moment.

I don't really have a lot to say about that except that he's right and I was taken aback by how succinctly and with razor-sharp accuracy he called me out. I have thought about that sentence a lot in the past week. (And he'll tell you, I might not have remembered it correctly but the gist is there.) I don't want to force my future boyfriends/fiancées/husbands make up for how poorly I was treated for the better part of 6 years. I don't want to spend my life trying to figure out where I went wrong and how is it different this time. I don't want to compare. I don't want to assume. I don't want to do what I've been doing because it hasn't worked so far.

So, for those of you who follow this blog and know I work on myself every day, I have vowed to hold up more mirrors to myself. I will probably still leave the house with bed-head and mismatched socks. But I will not ask someone who wasn't there, who cares for me for who I am now, to fix what someone else heartlessly broke. And I won't spend my life trying to make it "different this time" so it's better. It's already better.

More mirrors, less heartache. Who's in?