Heaven after all?

I’m not what you would call a Christian. I believe in a higher power and a spiritual being that watches over us. I used to be very superstitious about heaven and a non-believer. I fluctuate between thinking we are dust when we die and that’s it to imagining a cabin in the sky where everyone hangs out and has a great time to the idea that we come back and get to play on earth again.

Then my dad died. It wasn’t suddenly that everything changed. When my paternal grandmother died in 1996 I started to imagine her up there watching me. I didn't really talk to her, but whenever someone close would die I would ask her to meet them and take care of them. My great uncle and my maternal grandmother died within weeks of each other. I liked to imagine they were up there together, getting to know the lay of the land and meeting everyone. Then my paternal grandfather passed and I know the first thing he did was look for gma Marge, the love of his life.

My dad and I talked a lot about where he thought he was going and what happened next. He believed this was the end. When dad died he was so against heaven I thought maybe he was right. Maybe there isn’t anywhere someone goes and when they’re gone they are just gone. But there is no comfort in that. There is no finish because they are souls and souls have to have a place of rest somewhere. I couldn't stand the idea that it was over and that was it. So I talk to my dad every day. I tell him what's going on and ask him questions. I cry to him and tell him I miss him.

A good friends’ mother died today. The first thing I did was look up and ask dad to welcome her and take care of her however he could.

Maybe I do believe in heaven after all.

Happy December.......I think

I guess it’s December. That's what the calendar says at least. No one warned me about this. When my birthday came I was thrown. I thought at first it was because I had turned 30 and that’s a pretty big day. But then as it got closer I realized that I wasn’t ready for it at all. I felt like my birthday suddenly was in the spring and that just isn’t right. Then I thought about something my sister said. She said to her it was still April because May is when the world turned upside down. I thought about it and have come to the decision that I am living in the same delusion.

It can’t possibly be December. It’s not even May yet. I sing Christmas carols for a living right now and I love it. But I am not in the Christmas spirit. I am thrown by the holiday decorations. Can’t seem to really internalize anything that is going on around me. I am doing everything by rote. Someone tells me where to be and when so I go there. Someone tells me to sing a song so I sing it. Smile and bring holiday cheer. Show up for work and have a good time. But when I look at a calendar and see December on the top, I don’t believe it. Christmas is in 20 days. I couldn’t care less. Christmas doesn’t mean anything to me right now. No cards have been sent. No presents purchased. My apt isn't decorated. I am just tagging along with everyone else's holiday.

And I know this is “normal”. I know this is the year that the holidays don’t register and nothing is going to feel right. Logically I get it. But I am still thrown by it. Everything is harder. And everything hits me harder. And things take longer to process. It is just a very strange time to be alive in this world of mine.