I was a slow passenger on the “Glee” train. It seemed silly and poorly written and, to be honest, one more show I didn’t get cast in. I pushed against it for the first half of the first season. Then my best friend, who rarely gets behind anything popular, starting watching it with his kids and talking with me about it. Then FB people started talking. And Twitter. Soon I was surrounded by the show and eventually I sat and watched an episode. And then another. And I found I really liked it. I do not consider myself a Gleek by any means, but I am a fan. And I subscribe to it on hulu.
This week I am catching up on my Glee episodes. I just finished watching “Born This Way” where the students are given the task to write something on their blank white t-shirts they are ashamed of or would like to change about themselves. The goal is for them to accept their flaws as part of the perfect package that they are. I watched the final dance number, where they actually sing Lady Gaga’s song and reveal what their shirt says. Got me wondering what my t-shirt would say.
At 32 there are parts of me that I truly love. I love my ability to plan a good party and gather people together to enjoy themselves. I love that I am someone my friends come to when they need advice or help with something because they trust my judgement. I love that I make people laugh. I love that I have great relationships in my life that I have worked hard to nurture and enjoy. I love my legs. I love my wrists and my hands. I love my cheek bones and my clavicle. I love that I remember birthdays and send holiday cards. I love that I love Valentine’s Day. I love that I have an infectious energy that people truly enjoy being around. I love that I over plan and then throw my plans out the window because something else came along. I love that I can cry during an episode of Glee just as easily as the end of a Hallmark commercial. I love that I know my body. I love that I know my God. I truly love who I am.
But does my self-acceptance mean I don’t have anything to write on my white shirt? Goodness no. I wouldn’t know how to pick just one thing, when I start thinking about it. What would I change about me? I would give myself more confidence when faced with skinny beautiful women who are secure in themselves. Eventually I get around to it and we become friends. But initially? The husky 15-yr-old who never got picked for lifts in her dance company comes out and tells me I’m too fat/ugly/boxy/plain to be liked by someone as cool as they are.
I would give myself larger, more picture perfect breasts. I’m not going to lie, it’s something I truly believe I would be happier with. I would give myself flat abs and a waistline. I would change how I jump to conclusions before I think it out. I would change my inability to just forget, and the need to punish until I feel justified. I would change my barely there discipline and lack of will power. I would change my hoarding tendencies and make me a cleaner person.
I would change my desperate need to be loved and seen as unique and irreplaceable.
Yet, even as I write this post, I am smiling because I know in my heart that all of these things make me who I am. And I love who I am. That’s not just greeting card wisdom. Without my low self esteem I wouldn’t work so hard to be fit and pretty and liked. I wouldn’t work so hard to better myself and be the best I can be. If I had larger breasts I might not enjoy running and would never have that amazing feeling of crossing the finish line of a marathon. I can get flat abs, if I work hard enough. That change goes along with the lack of discipline and will power. Both things that I can do better about. Jumping to conclusions means I’m a fast thinking and able to make anything from anything. I’m like the MacGyver of emotions. My inability to forgive and forget allows me to have constant vigilance in relationships and be a present and loving partner. (Let’s be honest, I could probably work on this one a little more.) The collecting and cleanliness are both habits I can work on. They aren’t in stone.
And the need to be loved and seen as irreplaceable? My desire for that fuels most of what I do. I need to be loved. I need to be adored. I need to feel useful and important and like I matter in this world. I need to be present and accounted for. I need to be everything. This need keeps me up until 2a working on Christmas presents, out until all hours finding the perfect gift, calling everyone I know to tell them I love them, and working harder and harder every day to make sure no time here is wasted. It is important to me that I be the best person I can be.
So what would my white t-shirt say?
- Neurotic
- Small Boobs
- Opinionated
- Lazy
- Messy
- Boxy
- Needy
Heck yeah I am. And baby, I was born this way.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Easy Temping Day
I have complained about my jobs a lot in the past years. I truly hate sitting at a desk and wasting my life. You know that. However, now that I am set to begin school in the fall I have a new appreciation for my ability to sit quietly at a desk and wait for the clock to run out. I am temping again and it’s going well.
It helps that my boss doesn’t really pay attention to me here. It helps that he likes me a lot and thinks I can do no wrong. It helps that there isn’t a ton to do. It helps that the small amount of work there is to do, I’m over qualified for. And it helps to know that in two months I’m gone. I’m not stuck here. I’m not tied down to one place to work that I hate. I get to leave. And having an out makes dealing with the monotony so much easier.
Having a day like yesterday helps too. Here is the break down of my day, and one more reason why I can’t really complain about it too heartily.
8:45a- got to work 15 minutes late. I wanted to stop for coffee….so I did.
9:30-12:30- watched some hulu (Being Human, CougarTown (two episodes) and Glee)
12:45-1:45- took a nap in my car
2-4:30- watched more CougarTown and Modern Family
4:30- left work 30 minutes early because my boss was out of the office and my other co-worker had gone home
Let's not forget my hourly adventures on facebook, watching youtube videos and researching loans for school. And researching all inclusive vacations to Hawaii. It was a stupidly easy day. And I got paid to do it! Now, not all of the days are easy. There are days where I rush around and am a chicken all day. But they are worth it when a glorious Thursday pops up and I get to mentally relax.
So there you have it. I am only here for 2 more months. I can do this. Because I know that one day I will never have to sit at a desk again. And it will be all worth it.
And you? How was your Thursday?
It helps that my boss doesn’t really pay attention to me here. It helps that he likes me a lot and thinks I can do no wrong. It helps that there isn’t a ton to do. It helps that the small amount of work there is to do, I’m over qualified for. And it helps to know that in two months I’m gone. I’m not stuck here. I’m not tied down to one place to work that I hate. I get to leave. And having an out makes dealing with the monotony so much easier.
Having a day like yesterday helps too. Here is the break down of my day, and one more reason why I can’t really complain about it too heartily.
8:45a- got to work 15 minutes late. I wanted to stop for coffee….so I did.
9:30-12:30- watched some hulu (Being Human, CougarTown (two episodes) and Glee)
12:45-1:45- took a nap in my car
2-4:30- watched more CougarTown and Modern Family
4:30- left work 30 minutes early because my boss was out of the office and my other co-worker had gone home
Let's not forget my hourly adventures on facebook, watching youtube videos and researching loans for school. And researching all inclusive vacations to Hawaii. It was a stupidly easy day. And I got paid to do it! Now, not all of the days are easy. There are days where I rush around and am a chicken all day. But they are worth it when a glorious Thursday pops up and I get to mentally relax.
So there you have it. I am only here for 2 more months. I can do this. Because I know that one day I will never have to sit at a desk again. And it will be all worth it.
And you? How was your Thursday?
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Ambitious 5-Year Plan Needs Good Friends
I was talking with a friend this morning and they said they judge people by their own rules. I really liked that. Easier to mark people to their own standards instead of my standards for them.
We were talking about people who are ambitious and yet complain all the time about how much they hate their life and what they’re doing. We all know there is a difference between just having a bad day and truly hating your life. I know this as well as anyone.
I consider myself an ambitious person. I have big goals and big dreams. I wake up every morning thinking, some day I will have more than this. I know I will. There is too much in the world to do for me to be content with what I have. For a good two years I just complained. I hated my job. I hated where I lived. I hated that I wasn’t going anywhere. I hated that my dad was dead. I hated that I was single. I hated that I didn’t have a dog or a savings account or anything that showed I had been working my ass off for ten years. I felt like I was treading water and I was truly not happy. And I couldn’t see a way out. Then my best friend took me out to dinner one night and sat me down. He said I had to do something if I wanted to change my life. I needed to start taking the steps and trust they will go somewhere. I told him I was scared of making the wrong decision. He repeated words back to me that I have said in my life- “There is no wrong decision. Just different paths we can take.” At the time all I heard was “yadda yadda yadda” because I felt like I was at the bottom of a pit. Then I started taking some steps.
Little ones at first. I took a summer business class online. Loved it. Then I started truly looking at a 5 year plan. I am not a long-term planner kind of person. There are too many variables. But I knew some of the big ticket items I wanted and saw that I needed to get off my ass and get to it. Last summer I started taking steps to move my life into the one I wanted. I knew it would take some time. I knew the long term goals I had were just that, long term. And I needed to be patient, which is not easy for me.
I moved out of the place where I was living. I loved the family I was living with and leaving was a hard thing to do. But I had to make some changes and where I live is an easily changeable variable in my life. I took a few more online classes and started to narrow down my choices of careers. Then I started the ball rolling for grad school. This was the biggest step I could take. It was a leap. The same friend who sat with me and told me I had to take the steps to change my life was with me the whole time, gently reminding me that I was on the right track and was at least doing something. There were a few times I almost turned around and came home. But he held my hand (over the phone) and walked me through all the doubts and nerves.
In February I quit my steady job. I realized I was done being so unhappy. I was done being the person who hates her job. I was done being associated to an awful outlook on life. So without a backup, without savings and without any references, I quit and didn’t look back. It was the best decision I could have made. Because in March I found out that my hard work had paid off and I would be leaving for England in September.
All of this was pushed forward in my memory when I talked with my friend this morning. I am an ambitious person, and that isn’t a bad thing. I did complain (a lot) and then I made the choices to change what I hated. At the time they seemed like individual things. Small choices that weren’t really linked. But looking back on them as I look forward to my next phase of life I see that they all played a vital part in my plan. Without even knowing it I took the steps towards my 5 year plan. My highly ambitious, totally doable and completely malleable 5 year plan.
Good thing I have people in my life who guide me well, make me think and always believe in me. Just add that to the many things that make me a lucky girl.
We were talking about people who are ambitious and yet complain all the time about how much they hate their life and what they’re doing. We all know there is a difference between just having a bad day and truly hating your life. I know this as well as anyone.
I consider myself an ambitious person. I have big goals and big dreams. I wake up every morning thinking, some day I will have more than this. I know I will. There is too much in the world to do for me to be content with what I have. For a good two years I just complained. I hated my job. I hated where I lived. I hated that I wasn’t going anywhere. I hated that my dad was dead. I hated that I was single. I hated that I didn’t have a dog or a savings account or anything that showed I had been working my ass off for ten years. I felt like I was treading water and I was truly not happy. And I couldn’t see a way out. Then my best friend took me out to dinner one night and sat me down. He said I had to do something if I wanted to change my life. I needed to start taking the steps and trust they will go somewhere. I told him I was scared of making the wrong decision. He repeated words back to me that I have said in my life- “There is no wrong decision. Just different paths we can take.” At the time all I heard was “yadda yadda yadda” because I felt like I was at the bottom of a pit. Then I started taking some steps.
Little ones at first. I took a summer business class online. Loved it. Then I started truly looking at a 5 year plan. I am not a long-term planner kind of person. There are too many variables. But I knew some of the big ticket items I wanted and saw that I needed to get off my ass and get to it. Last summer I started taking steps to move my life into the one I wanted. I knew it would take some time. I knew the long term goals I had were just that, long term. And I needed to be patient, which is not easy for me.
I moved out of the place where I was living. I loved the family I was living with and leaving was a hard thing to do. But I had to make some changes and where I live is an easily changeable variable in my life. I took a few more online classes and started to narrow down my choices of careers. Then I started the ball rolling for grad school. This was the biggest step I could take. It was a leap. The same friend who sat with me and told me I had to take the steps to change my life was with me the whole time, gently reminding me that I was on the right track and was at least doing something. There were a few times I almost turned around and came home. But he held my hand (over the phone) and walked me through all the doubts and nerves.
In February I quit my steady job. I realized I was done being so unhappy. I was done being the person who hates her job. I was done being associated to an awful outlook on life. So without a backup, without savings and without any references, I quit and didn’t look back. It was the best decision I could have made. Because in March I found out that my hard work had paid off and I would be leaving for England in September.
All of this was pushed forward in my memory when I talked with my friend this morning. I am an ambitious person, and that isn’t a bad thing. I did complain (a lot) and then I made the choices to change what I hated. At the time they seemed like individual things. Small choices that weren’t really linked. But looking back on them as I look forward to my next phase of life I see that they all played a vital part in my plan. Without even knowing it I took the steps towards my 5 year plan. My highly ambitious, totally doable and completely malleable 5 year plan.
Good thing I have people in my life who guide me well, make me think and always believe in me. Just add that to the many things that make me a lucky girl.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
White Bikini Challege - May Edition
I have failed beautifully in this!! I mean, not so bad that I am wobbling around dragging my extra chins along behind me. I haven’t gained a single pound in the past three months. However, I haven’t really lost any weight either. I haven’t weighed myself since last Sunday and at that time I was still an least 20 lbs above my goal weight. And I have jeans that don’t fit. And I have a formal that doesn’t fit.
But I also have jeans that are too loose. I have costumes that need to be taken in and I have shorts that look amazing on me.
So the scale isn’t moving quickly. Okay. But it is moving. I have made a few adjustments in my eating this past week and I like the outcome. I haven’t been drinking much at all, except for this past weekend when my show opened. Doing a show tends to toss all dieting logic out the window. I love to drink with people! At least I have stopped drinking alone. For now. But I also have stopped eating carbs after 4p and that is working really well for me. I like how light I feel when I go to sleep at night. I’m eating too much cheese, but that will fade in time. I have to stop with the cheese! In general I’m just eating less, and that’s one of the biggest hurdles to get over.
The bottom line is, I’m slowly (ever so slowly) moving towards my goal. My goal date is July 8 for the wedding and I can do it. But it’s going to take waaaaay more will power than I have shown the past two months. I have to get up and run in the morning. I feel amazing when I do that. There is this awesome sense of accomplishment. I have to drink more water. I have to stop with the cheese. I have to stop with the drinking (which will be easier once my show closes). And I have to keep my eye on the ball.
That white bikini trip to Vegas isn’t my only reward. I also have the promise of a photo shoot, complete with hair and make-up, to show off my hot body. I also have the knowledge that I can complete something. And the pride in actually doing it.
So for anyone who was wondering where the hell I’d gone and if this is still going on- heck yeah it is! There is a white string bikini in my future. And I have two more months to carve the body I need to get into it.
But I also have jeans that are too loose. I have costumes that need to be taken in and I have shorts that look amazing on me.
So the scale isn’t moving quickly. Okay. But it is moving. I have made a few adjustments in my eating this past week and I like the outcome. I haven’t been drinking much at all, except for this past weekend when my show opened. Doing a show tends to toss all dieting logic out the window. I love to drink with people! At least I have stopped drinking alone. For now. But I also have stopped eating carbs after 4p and that is working really well for me. I like how light I feel when I go to sleep at night. I’m eating too much cheese, but that will fade in time. I have to stop with the cheese! In general I’m just eating less, and that’s one of the biggest hurdles to get over.
The bottom line is, I’m slowly (ever so slowly) moving towards my goal. My goal date is July 8 for the wedding and I can do it. But it’s going to take waaaaay more will power than I have shown the past two months. I have to get up and run in the morning. I feel amazing when I do that. There is this awesome sense of accomplishment. I have to drink more water. I have to stop with the cheese. I have to stop with the drinking (which will be easier once my show closes). And I have to keep my eye on the ball.
That white bikini trip to Vegas isn’t my only reward. I also have the promise of a photo shoot, complete with hair and make-up, to show off my hot body. I also have the knowledge that I can complete something. And the pride in actually doing it.
So for anyone who was wondering where the hell I’d gone and if this is still going on- heck yeah it is! There is a white string bikini in my future. And I have two more months to carve the body I need to get into it.
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