As the anniversary of my fathers death gets closer I am sent on a wave of emotions every waking moment. Most of the time I keep myself so busy I don’t have time to sit and think. Thank the gods for the internet and its ability to keep me occupied while I am at work. I overbook myself so I don’t have to think about the pain or feel it. Except for once a week when I go to bereavemtn support group here at work, I am able to forget that it’s April, that it’s less than three weeks to the anniversary and a year ago today I was sitting next to him enjoying my time and craving more.
I want somewhere to go to remember him. He didn’t want a gravesite. He wanted to be cremated so we did. I think Sylvia scattered him in the ocean already but I’m not sure. I am going to send her a letter this weekend. Her and Dion, his best friend. But that’s not the point of this entry.
I want to be able to go somewhere on May 12th and think about him and just be with him. He didn’t really come to LA much so there isn’t anything here that reminds me soley of him- just the very presence of being alive does that. But there is nothing to mark that he was here, nothing where I can go and cry and just remember him. I am really sad about that.
I thought about planting a tree in his name. Somewhere off the path where no one would bother it or cut it down. Where it would be free to just grow as it wanted to grow. But then I realized that I wanted something that I could add to every year and make a grove for him. Then I got pissed that I don’t have anything in my life permanent enough to mark his passing. So I thought about planting a tree through a service and realized that it is going to cost between $35-100 for the tree and some places only plant them a few times a year so I have to wait. So I got pissed that I have to wait and pissed that I’m 30 and still quabble over $35. What the hell?
I just want somewhere to go. The desire to have a place is deep within me and burns fierce. I have to figure this out without going crazy.
I feel the wall again the pain go up higher and stronger every day. I am shielding myself from the hurt. Keeping myself from the ache of his death. It hurts so much I can’t breathe sometimes.
It never goes away. I need to find a better coping skill.
2 comments:
If there is anything I can do for you or with you this month, please let me know. I love you.
You should be creative with your tree planting. Maybe you don't plant a new tree in the same place every year. Maybe you take the time each May to go to a new place that was special to you and your dad and plant a tree there. Then you can have a grove of trees spread across the world that you can visit when you are near each.
Or you could pick an organization (like the hospice one you are running for in October) and donate to them each May.
You could run a marathon for him each May.
Or you could volunteer each year in his honor. I know a wonderful camp for kids with cancer that would love you to come . . . for a week or just a weekend. And they have an amazing grove where they plant a new tree each year. You will always know that you can go back there at any time of year to visit and that it will be perpetually cared for (as much as the people honored are cared for). A tree isn't planted for each individual . . . but it is an amazing grove where you can literally feel the presence of the ones you have loved and lost.
I love you and your father loves you. He is watching you and proud of you. He would want you to commemorate him and celebrate his life in a way that will help you heal.
I cannot even begin to imagine what you are feeling now and I want you to know I am here when you need me.
Amie, I just read your blog and I am moved to tears. Thank you for sharing that part of your life. I went through much the same with my dad, mom and brother, but each older than your father. It is so very difficult to continue to be alive daily when those around you have passed.
Your father would still be very proud of you... and I certainly am. You are an incredible young woman and it is an honor to work beside you. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself publicly.
Much Love,
Ann
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