The End is Coming

I feel like I am in a dream. I truly feel like someone is going to come in and tell me this was all a joke and he is fine and it was just for fun. Or something. It feels completely surreal. I was staring at the wall yesterday thinking "this can't possibly be my life."

Dad is in the final stages. It happened so fast. When we started hospice the nurse was really nice and said that he would deteriorate slowly and then suddenly it would be a drop drastically. And that's what happened. He dropped. Now he is lying in bed struggling to breathe. The nurse said it is his brain unable to make his lungs work anymore. That slowly he'll just stop breathing at some point. I'm watching him right now and every four or five breathes he'll stop and I'll stop and wait for him to breathe again. It's an awful waiting game.

I can't seem to move. Getting up to go use the bathroom or get something to eat is time away from him that I just don't want to take. I can't take. I can't leave him. I'm paralyzed in this chair.

I can't believe that this is it. She said he won't last the week. And I want to believe her. I mean, on the one hand I want him around forever. But this isn't him. He's unresponsive and not really here. This isn't dad. He's still in there mentally, but even that is up for debate. Who knows how much he is awake or asleep. I know that hearing is the last thing to go so I know that he will be able to hear us for the final days. But I've said everything. I am at peace with where we are.

I don't want him to go. At all. But I know he loves me and I know he is proud of me. He knows that I love him and am proud of him. There is nothing unsaid. There is nothing undone. I am okay with when he decides to leave us. Is that awful to say? Awful to think? He has fought such a good fight and I just want him comfortable and happy.

No idea what's going to happen after he goes. If he passes this week I'm going to head to LA for the weekend just to sleep and regroup. Then come back and clean up his office and put the memorial together. Nothing is in place at all for the business side of it. And I'm angry about that. He didn't leave a will. He didn't sign a power of attorney. As his next of kin I will be able to do most everything neeed, but I don't want to fight his girlfriend and I have a feeling I'm going to have to. I just want this to be done so I can mourn and live my life. I'm done being around her. I'm done living in her house. And yet we have reached a point of understanding and there is a sick part of me that will miss her. For all the shit she has done and all the bitchiness we have lived through together, I will miss her and her crazy ways. Because he loves her. And she is part of him.

I miss him so much. I think back to the past two months and the things I am going to miss are astounding. Watching 24. Him sitting there trying to decide what movie he wanted to watch. Watching X-Men and Batman Begins and MIB and Austin Powers over and overbefore we got television in the room. Eating milky ways. Our morning walks. Laughing. Sitting out in the garage playing nintendo while he sat in the sun. Talking about life and the choices I have to make. His smile. His laugh. His ability to moderate the tension in the house. His love. Holding his hand as we sat and watched TV. Him rolling out and checking the mail every day. The smile he would get when a new netflix would come in. The look on his face when we would reach the end of an episode and he would say "dude" and I would ask what was next and he would say "the next one. Let's get on it." Watching Gilmore Girls every morning and then talking about it. Him being worried about Rory and Logan so I would tell him that they end up together and everyone is happy. Talking with him about Alias and what was going on because he couldn't follow the plot line. Trips to Jimboys Tacos and Leatherbys Ice Cream. Him telling me he loves me, out of the blue. Him reaching up to get a hug. Him holding on tight when we did hug. His gripping my hand as we sat together.

There is so much. So very very much. I just want to remember how it feels to have him alive next to me. He is a good man. Kind and loving. The world is losing one of the good ones.