Even as he sleeps

Dad is sleeping right now. But it is not a "yeah" sleep. It's the "he might be gone soon" sleep. We can't tell if it's the meds that have knocked him out or the disease. He is snoring but his eyes are in slits. What is he doing? He keeps waking up and trying to sit up. He wants to go outside and it breaks my heart that we can't let him. He's just too weak to do anything. His breathing is shallow. His eyes are dead and don't focus. This is just awful.



Yesterday was awful. The meds rendered him completely incoherent. He couldn't speak and when he did it was gibberish. Nothing he said made sense. At times it was funny because he was so certain that what he was saying was right. But then it got frustrating. I kept repeating back to him what he had just said and he would look at me like I was an idiot. He was confused. Couldn't remember names of people or where he was. And he was mad. Almost fell down in the morning. Thankfully I was there to catch him, but it was scary as hell.



Cristin and Emily came over for a little bit. I think it scared Emily. She put on a strong face but I know she was bothered. She walked in the room and immediately sat down next to me and wrapped her ams around me. She was just there for me and I found comfort in her energy. I feel the same way when Cristin comes over. I just feel better when she's there. Dad lives with his girlfriend and she and I have been going through this together, but I don't feel connected to her at all. I feel like we are teammates in this and we are rooting for the same thing. But I don't connect. And today I feel even more alone. This strange feeling of wanting everyone around and yet wanting to be totally alone.

We have no idea what this means. He doesn't have all the signs of death coming. Just several. The blood hasn't settled, which apparently means he is still okay. But this is damned near impossible. I am being tested every day with patience and ability. I have no idea if what I'm doing is correct or not. I have no idea what to wish for, what to pray for. I just know that I don't know. I am starving but can't stand the thought of food. I'm exhausted but can't sleep. Iam sad but can't cry. I'm scared and I can't move.

Just as new parents wish for an istruction manual for babies, I wish there was an manual for death. It is totally the unknown, the only certainty being that he will die. We all will die. He doesn't have anything in order, doesn't have a will or power of attorney. I feel huge responsibility to take care of his things when he is gone. I don't know how I'm going to take care of Sylvia and make sure she is set up. I will stay here to get the bed put back in and the house back in order. I want to help her go through his things and make sure she is okay. But at the same time I just want to run away and bury my head in the sand.

I thought I was lost at the beginning of this adventure. Now I feel like the changed the game and I am lost again.