A hole in my heart

I am still smacked in the face every day by my father’s death. I was just walking through the office where I am temping and was hit with the realization again. And it still hits like a physical pain. A startled reminder that he is no longer with me. It knocks the wind out of me and takes me a minute to readjust and keep moving forward.

I miss him every day. I miss him more with every breath. It is hard and painful and isn’t getting any easier.

I am noticing other little changes. I cannot stand plans changing anymore. I want to know where everyone is and what they’re doing. And if they change it without me knowing I get really bothered. Bothered to the point of tears sometimes. This morning my trainer told me he had booked my hour with him to someone else. I almost cried. Except my gut reaction is anger. Anything that messes with the status quo is met with anger as the first reaction. I’m not sure why. I don’t like being told no. I don’t like when things are changed and I don’t like not knowing what is going on.

I also have no patience for people. I want people to make a decision and go with it. No hemming or hawing. No wondering about anything. Just decide and move on. Get out of the road and out of my way if you're not going to drive intelligently. I am a horrible procrastinator and all I want to do is sit and be with my family and friends.

Each day is showing me something new that I cannot understand. I cry more. I am not remembering big things like holidays or momentous things with my dad. I’m remembering the small things, the minutia of the days, that are continuing to throw me. I don’t know why I thought that everything would work out and I would be fine by now. I don’t know why I am forcing myself to get through this. Apparently now is the time I am going to work through the anger of my father. Because I’m just mad and on a short fuse and don’t know how to right it.

I wonder how he would have voted today. I’m sure we would have had hour long conversations about the president and making fun of Palin and arguing about who was right. He would have given his take on the different props and made me see a different way to look at them. He had an amazing ability to shake my foundation and what I thought was the right way to see things. It would have been some great debating.

There is a huge hole in my heart right now. Has been for a while. And I am really not sure how to fill it. And maybe it never gets filled. But I feel it like it’s a physical part of me that is gone and nothing is fixing it. And I’m sad a lot more. And I’m angry. And I miss him.