30 in four days.

I’ll be 30 in four days.

I have been traveling the internet reading everything from lists of things one should do before completing their 29th year to how they will feel when they’re 30 and what they have learned up to this point. Everyone seems to have an opinion about this milestone. And I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it is freaking me out a little and causing me to take a knee in life and rethink. I am not planning any huge changes or anything. Just taking stock.

Like in Annie Get Your Gun……”What do I find? The things I’ve got will keep me satisfied.”

What I want to know is, why 30? What is it about this particular number/age? I know we are saying goodbye to our 20s; a decade of free thinking and the ability to still be kids. We are saying goodbye to blaming things on our youth and inexperience. We are saying goodbye to having all the time in the world to do anything we want and anything we can. We are saying goodbye to being the youngest person in the room.

But we are saying hello to stable thinking with a free-will and solid foundation. We are saying hello an adult take on life and the respect that comes with it. We are saying hello to the confidence to not have to blame our actions on anything or anyone. Yes, I did get drunk and pass out in the club. Yes, I did completely forget to tell the boss about the time change for the meeting. Yes, I did date someone else because I realized that I don’t want to be with you anymore. There are many things we are no longer willing or able to cover up. Why would I want to?

Confidence is a big one. At this phase of life I am just as confused about where I want to be and what I want to do as I was 5 years ago. I know that I can’t really put off babies and a family as long as I keep saying I want to. Ten years made sense at 22. Now 10 years just seems like I’m tempting fate and trying to cheat biology. And maybe that means I really don’t want kids. And that’s okay too. I have learned that it is something I would embrace if it happened and will accept if it doesn’t. It’s not a goal either way. I am just as lost about a career and where I am supposed to develop myself as I was at 25. But I know that I want to buy a house in the next five years. So the lifestyle I have been living isn’t going to work for much longer. Not many people I know can buy a house and do the upkeep living on the $25,000 I sometimes make in a year. I want a dog so the traveling has to be figured out.

All the changes and the confusions I had at 25 I still have. The biggest difference is that at 30 I am totally fine with it. At 25 I was just trying to be happy and trust the universe will take care of me and make it okay. At 30 I KNOW the universe is on my side and I KNOW I will be okay. I have the confidence from deep within me. Confidence that only age and time and experience can bring.

2008 was not a good year for me. It was the biggest rollercoaster I have ever ridden. And it’s not over. But I see my birthday as the start of something new, even if the calendar doesn’t agree. Loosing my father still breaks my heart every day. I have not dealt with it at all and the enormous breakdown I had last night proves that. I have no idea what the next phase of my life is going to be. None. And that’s a little scary. I can barely get to Friday. But I do know that the next phase will come. Some things are just inevitable.

Cause with the sun in the morning and the moon in the evening, I’m alright.