Heaven after all?

I’m not what you would call a Christian. I believe in a higher power and a spiritual being that watches over us. I used to be very superstitious about heaven and a non-believer. I fluctuate between thinking we are dust when we die and that’s it to imagining a cabin in the sky where everyone hangs out and has a great time to the idea that we come back and get to play on earth again.

Then my dad died. It wasn’t suddenly that everything changed. When my paternal grandmother died in 1996 I started to imagine her up there watching me. I didn't really talk to her, but whenever someone close would die I would ask her to meet them and take care of them. My great uncle and my maternal grandmother died within weeks of each other. I liked to imagine they were up there together, getting to know the lay of the land and meeting everyone. Then my paternal grandfather passed and I know the first thing he did was look for gma Marge, the love of his life.

My dad and I talked a lot about where he thought he was going and what happened next. He believed this was the end. When dad died he was so against heaven I thought maybe he was right. Maybe there isn’t anywhere someone goes and when they’re gone they are just gone. But there is no comfort in that. There is no finish because they are souls and souls have to have a place of rest somewhere. I couldn't stand the idea that it was over and that was it. So I talk to my dad every day. I tell him what's going on and ask him questions. I cry to him and tell him I miss him.

A good friends’ mother died today. The first thing I did was look up and ask dad to welcome her and take care of her however he could.

Maybe I do believe in heaven after all.