Happy December.......I think

I guess it’s December. That's what the calendar says at least. No one warned me about this. When my birthday came I was thrown. I thought at first it was because I had turned 30 and that’s a pretty big day. But then as it got closer I realized that I wasn’t ready for it at all. I felt like my birthday suddenly was in the spring and that just isn’t right. Then I thought about something my sister said. She said to her it was still April because May is when the world turned upside down. I thought about it and have come to the decision that I am living in the same delusion.

It can’t possibly be December. It’s not even May yet. I sing Christmas carols for a living right now and I love it. But I am not in the Christmas spirit. I am thrown by the holiday decorations. Can’t seem to really internalize anything that is going on around me. I am doing everything by rote. Someone tells me where to be and when so I go there. Someone tells me to sing a song so I sing it. Smile and bring holiday cheer. Show up for work and have a good time. But when I look at a calendar and see December on the top, I don’t believe it. Christmas is in 20 days. I couldn’t care less. Christmas doesn’t mean anything to me right now. No cards have been sent. No presents purchased. My apt isn't decorated. I am just tagging along with everyone else's holiday.

And I know this is “normal”. I know this is the year that the holidays don’t register and nothing is going to feel right. Logically I get it. But I am still thrown by it. Everything is harder. And everything hits me harder. And things take longer to process. It is just a very strange time to be alive in this world of mine.