Can't stop the crying

I have been crying for two hours now. I have a headache and am wide awake. Not so good for the audition that I have to be at tomorrow morning. But that's not why I'm writing.

I just reread my blogs from last year. There is so much I left out. I hope to be able to go back through those two months and fill in some blanks. I wrote in my journal a lot. Just wish I was able to take the memories I have visually in my head and put them on paper. Turn the feelings and rushed of emotions I feel when I think about him into words so you could feel it too. I am scared I'll forget him. So maybe if I write down everything I remember, that won't happen.

Been missing everyone recently. Wonder if something is going to happen. Miss grandma more and more. Miss grandpa Lou a lot. And grandma Marge is even making an apperance more often than usual. Maybe it's just the passing of time. The realization that their absence in my life is permanent. Permanent and painful.

Going to take a few Mortin and try to sleep. It's a valiant effort.

A slap in the face

My father is dead. Forever. Never coming back. Gone. For good and there is nothing I can do to change that. And I don't know what to do with that reality.

How can it continue to hurt so much. As I write this tears are streaming down my cheeks and my stomach hurts with the pain that only true loss can create. The pain that only comes when a void has been created and there is no cure. When you've lost something so dear to you it feel like your chest is going to cave in from the pressure of the loss.

I miss my father.

I miss him so powerfully I can't breathe. I can't function. I miss his smile, the sound of his voice, the way he smelled, the feel of his hugs, his laughter, the way he looked at things, the way he...... the way he just existed and was himself. There is so much I miss about him and I think of more every day. I miss just being with him. I miss him being alive.

I just hurt so much. And it's a hurt that I don't know what to do with. No one can take it away. No one can fix it. No one can even really understand it. I don't even fully get it. I just know that when these waves of pain come over me I can't function. I sit in a chair and moan with the kind of pain that one would associate with a broken bone. I can't breathe, I can't stop rocking. I can't form a logical thought, let alone a sentence. This blog has taken me over an hour to finish because I keep stopping as wave rush over me.

I want something to distract me and take the overwhelming sadness away. But then I feel guilty because I should be feeling this. And someday it will ebb. And then I'll want the pain again. What is that? What kind of messed up logic is that?

I guess by hurting this much I am keeping him with me. Keeping him alive inside me. If I can hurt this much then it did happen and it was real and he is still here a little bit.I just miss him so much.

My sister bought a house today. She and her husband signed the papers. I hate that dad wasn't here for her to celebrate. I hate that for the rest of our lives he is gone. I can't deal with that right now. I can't take in something that big. That huge. That life changing. Maybe it's just hitting me now. Maybe I've been in a bubble for 9 months. Maybe now is when I'm dealing with the reality that is my fathers death. My sister said she sat on her bed for over an hour, crying and holding the box of his ashes in his lap.

I don't know what it is. I'm running from something, have been running from something, for almost a year now. And it's catching up to me with a ferocity I am not ready for. Nor am I prepared for. I don't even know what to bring to battle.

Done with the single life today

I have been in NYC for over two weeks now and I continue to love this city. I love this city for a million reasons and could name them all. There is a lot going on in this brain of mine. A lot to flush out and a lot to figure out. But tonight all I want is to vent about being single.

I'm done being single. I'm done being alone. Hard to believe I can be sitting here in a city of 8 million people and feel so completely alone.

So I'm throwing it to the universe. I'm ready for him. I will welcome him with open arms and an open heart.

I have done this before and not much has happened (obviously, since I am still single) but I am willing to try again. This time with some different rules/guidelines. I am not going to date men I have had in my life before. I am not going to date a man I have had relations with in the past. I am not going to date a man who doesn't call. I am not going to date a man who brings drama into my world. I am not going to date a man who can't accept me and love me and respect me.

My future holds a great man in it. A man who will stand by me when I am sick, balding, fat, pregnant, tired, vomiting.......what else........ugly, chapped, pissy, angry, bloated, gassy........there's more, I'm sure of it......PMS-ing, moody, hungry, drunk, poor, rich........and everything else I will eventually be in my life. He will love me. He will grow with me. He will see our relationship as a partnership that is for the good of both of us. He will garden with me. He will putter and laugh and cook and be there for me.

He will be there for me.

That's the biggest one isn't it. Someone who will be there for us. Someone who sees the flaws and holds our hands because of them. Someone who wants to sit across from you at the retaurant you've been to a thousand times because you like the fresh pitas. Someone who will sit on the phone with you for hours because he wants to hear how your day was. Someone who wants to hear your voice every day. Who can't get to sleep until they talk to you. Who starts the morning thinking about you. Someone who will be there for you. Always.

That's what I feel is lacking right now in my life. I have amazing friends. I have the best friends anyone could ask for. I can ask them for anything. I would do anything for them without batting an eye. They come with me on the crazy things I invent. They humor me and listen to the million stories I want to share. They sit patiently on the other side of the line while I try to figure out how to budget $500 six different ways. My friends are amazing. And they will always be there for me.

But as I sit in this hotel room, missing my father more with ever passing second, I am alone. All I want is to turn towards the bed and have the man I'm in love with be sitting against the wall, reading a book and just existing in this world with me. Because tonight I feel alone. And all I want is someone to be here for me.

Thus ends the pity party.  Thanks for listening.