Biological what?

This weekend I went home and held the new baby. A lot. I also got to hang out with my 13-yr-old sister a lot. She continues to amaze me with her personality and her genuine niceness. She is a good girl. She's a good addition to this world. With everything she has been through (divorce, dad’s death, and drama with the step-sister) she continues to amaze me with her positive outlook on life, her love of people and her desire to do good in this world.

Between those two things (baby and teenager) I got a flash of desire I haven’t had before- to raise a good child. I saw myself as a mom in a house with a kid and a dog and family dinners and life lessons. I saw myself sitting in an audience at their graduation. I saw myself sitting in the pews at their wedding. I saw myself as a grandmother, making macaroni pictures and clay horse sculptures. I have never had those images flash through my mind before. And I have never been so at ease with the thought before.

In years past I have not wanted children for a number of reasons. I don’t believe in putting more stress onto our environment. That’s a big one. I always said I would adopt a baby when the time came. I didn’t want the pressure of being responsible for another life. I didn’t want the hard life of never knowing what was going to happen and worrying every second of my life. But mostly I didn’t want to have a child because I didn’t want to see the life I wanted to live be played out in another person’s life. I know that is selfish. It’s totally selfish. But it’s true. I want to go to college again. I want to have my first boyfriend and my first date and my first “promise ring” again. I want to have that freedom of the world being at my finger tips and I just need to go get it. I didn’t want to see someone else get the life I wanted.

Isn’t that just silly? Kids add to life. Families enrich life. My family is why I can’t seem to make up my mind what I want to do with my life. The bond I have to my family is what keeps me in California, keeps me close to home and keeps me driving up and down the state all year long. My family is what brings me to tears at night when I’m lying alone and questioning what the hell I’m doing. My family is also the support that I need to be able to go do what I want. The support I have when I feel like I have nothing. And growing that family, being closer to that family, is the most important thing to me.

So, the biological clock? The thing I thought was a myth and that I would be able to silence the call? Not so much. I feel the pull. I feel the desire to share my life with someone. I probably won’t have a child because of the reasons I stated before. I have a lot I want to do in this life. There is a whole world I want to see. I want my MFA and my MBA and a good job and a dog and a home. But the ticking is getting harder to silence as the years go by and I realize that time is running out. There’s no other way to think about that. And harder to silence as I realize that maybe the life I think I want will only be enhanced when I have someone to love so fully my heart explodes. Then I’ll help them pick out the best colleges and date the right people.