More than one life?

I wonder how different my life would be if I had stayed with studying piano. Really taken it up as a life goal to play professionally. Would I have ever made it? I don’t have a natural aptitude to play the piano. I can read music and can sing the notes on the page. But I couldn’t play something for you that involved anything more than basic chords and transitions. Is that something I can learn?

What can I learn?

I am learning massage therapy right now. But I have a knack for it. There is a lot for me to learn, but I innately “get” it. There are people who do not. I can feel it when they touch me. But even the people who aren’t easily taught eventually learn it. I felt the difference last night after the girl worked on me for a while in class. It is a skill that can be taught.

I guess I’m just wondering if there are things we should and should not be doing. There are jokes about people who shouldn’t have kids and the people who should. There are career aptitude tests telling us what we should and should not be doing. But there are two things about that. What if what you should be doing is completely not available to you? What if that test told you that you would thrive as a teacher but in reality you have had three miscarriages and can’t emotionally stand being around children? What if you are a brilliant mathematician but you hate the idea of sitting behind a desk all day so you spend your time hiking outdoors with camp troupes? What if the test tells you that you should be in theater and an actress but timing and fate and the business as a whole has made that dream not a reality?

What do you do then? 

Do you change yourself to find the skills that allow you to succeed in the world where you want to? Or do you beat your head against a wall trying to use the talents you have, even though they aren’t getting you anywhere?

The idea is that we have 6-8 careers in our lives, not including raising children and going to school. That is a lot of time to discover what we want to do and where we want to be. I know that where I am in my life right now is not at all where I wanted to be when I was thinking about being 30. But I am 30 and my father is gone, I am not a famous, or even working, actress and I am still sitting at a desk in an office. I don’t think my life is stagnant at all. Just not what I thought it was going to be.

What continues to nag me is that there is something I should be doing and am not. A nagging idea that there is a talent I have that should be shared with the world and I am not using it. And, even scarier, that I have no idea what that talent is.

I guess all I can do is keep on keeping on, be the best in whatever I am doing at that time, and work hard to make sure that even if I am not living the life of divine purpose, I am living the best life for me.