Every Day a Little Pain

While I was sitting in the salon this afternoon getting my hair done, I started thinking about how my hairdressers’ arms must get tired. She stands all day, using her arms above the midline of her body. That thought made me think about how in time she probably gets used to it and the muscles she needs to do her job just get stronger. It’s our brilliant body adapting and morphing into what the world asks it to do. When we work out our muscles tear a little then repair stronger than they were. 

I started thinking, maybe it’s the same thing with relationships. Each time they end our heart breaks down a little more, establishing the need to rebuild (along with the pain that brings). This pain makes us stronger and ready to face the next thing the world will ask us to do.

The heart is about the size of your fist and one of the strongest muscles in the body. Its job is to pump every blood cell through every vein to every organ, delivering fresh oxygen and carrying away garbage. Our hearts are amazing. And while I know they are not directly related to the emotion of love, our oxytocin “cuddle” hormone takes care of that, our heart is where we feel the ache of losing someone we love. (And thank you cortisol for your part in that aching feeling.)

This idea of pain has been with me all day. I woke up this morning and my chest felt heavy, like there wasn’t enough room in it. The thought occurred to me, “of course there isn’t enough room. He gave your heart back to you. It has grown so big in his love it no longer fits in your chest.” Hence the pain of fitting this new heart, which has known a love so great I can’t stand to think about losing it, into my life again. Along with that comes the aching pain.

Pain helps us grow. I know that. The pain of heartache helps us be ready for the next time. It allows us to remember what good love felt like and to be ready for it when it comes again. Pain weakens us for a time, makes us cry, grieve, lie silently looking at the wall for hours and takes away our appetite. Pain drives us to have that extra pint in a vain effort to take the pain away. Pain tears little parts of us into pieces, leaving us to wonder if we will ever be whole again.

But pain isn’t forever. Our body adapts to pain and finds a different way of doing something so we don’t hurt ourselves. Our body, including our heart, doesn’t like to work harder than it needs to, so it will find an easier way to do what needs to get done. And loving someone needs to get done. I will not live in a loveless life. So while for now I sit with the pain, I will also acknowledge it. I will flash onto the good memories of him and smile because they happened. I will also flash onto the ideas I had of a good future and cry because they won’t. But through this all, the little tears everyday, I will grow stronger. 

And just like my hour of pain at the gym every morning, this pain will be worth it.