An Especially Empty Left Ring Finger

For anyone who knows me, you have heard me talk about my desire to stay single and live my life. I never minded a boyfriend here and there, but had no desire to get married. It's sounded pedantic and boring. I mean, being a girl, I have thought about my wedding. Thought about where I would want it and who would be there. However, I am such a believer in using what's in our life currently I always assumed that when the time was right I would have the people who were important to me in the bridal party and they people who attended would be my friends at the time and whomever my groom wanted there. As much as I enjoy planning my day and my meals and my money, I am not a big believer in planning my life. There are too many variables that are out of my control.

This past January the love of my life put a gorgeous saphire ring on my left ring finger and changed my life.
He made it clear it wasn't an engagement ring. His exact words were, "When I ask you to marry me, you'll know." But the message was that we were moving forward. We were in this, together, and I could trust that this relationship was heading down the aisle, into a lifelong partnership. It didn't matter to me when, for the first time in my life I was just estatic that it would.

I started to finally trust that I had a future with him. After years of telling myself I didn't need him (that it was all going to be fine because I was able to live my dream and not worry about a husband/house/kids/settling down) I was looking down the track to my life with him and I felt calm and ready and like it was the best decision I would ever make. I've been running from commitment and just living my life but when he put that ring on my finger I never wanted anything more. I was settled. This was it. I was ready for the daily life of loving someone and the forever it promised.

How was this different? How was this special? Why this man? I'm in love with him, foibles and all. To quote Phoebe, he's my lobster. Has been for years.  He's who, out of all the animals in the sea, I want to hold claws with. He's the man that knows me better than anyone and pushes me to be a better person. He's my champion and my cheering squad. I am interested in everything he does and everything he says. I want to know what fills his head and his heart. With him, the idea of a quiet night at home suddenly becomes the one place I want to be. He was my world and I was so thrilled we were going to have it.

My fears of marriage and being forgotten and being left alone were gone. I threw myself into life with him, even being 6,000 miles away. I called him my boyfriend and smiled when I looked at the ring, treasuring what it meant. I started to trust that my commitment fears were gone and I was sure of someone. I was sure of myself and my ability to be faithful and commit and be loyal to this man till the day I died.

Loyal. Commited. Faithful.

These are not words I would have given our relationship before these past months. I haven't played by those words and have now paid the price for that. I didn't treat it like it was special and needed to be cherished. I didn't know what it felt like to be secure. To be sure of someone. He is the only man who has taken the risk and said he is willing to change his life and be with me. He is the only man I am willing to change my life for.

The empty space where the ring once sat now haunts me and sends me onto a much different train of thought. I am not the person I was. I'm not the person who enjoyed an empty left finger and felt it was a sign of independence and "look, I don't need a man" attitude. What I see now is loneliness. What I see now is my failing as a partner. What I see now is the shadow of a life I didn't know I wanted until I lost it.

Until I lost him.
The most special thing I've had in my world.

It takes an amazing man to wrangle in a woman like me. A wonderful, patient and heartwarming man to change how I look at marriage and commitment and myself as a partner. He is that man. And I am still wrangled in.