I am sitting at my desk back at Disney. Whoopee.
Strange to think there is an entire business that needs to be run and I have my part in it that still needs to get played. I have to set the meetings and send out the letters and moderate the phone calls. I have to hold up my end of the world down here. My boss asked how my dad was. I don't think he quite knew what to say when I told him. I think that is how a lot of people feel. They just know that is sucks and they don't know how to say something to make it not suck. I am quickly learning who to talk to and who to avoid. There is a guy I know down here who's father passed three years ago. I thought he would be able to give a little support and some insight to how he handled it. not so much. When I told him Dad was sick he had the cavalier mentality that all old people die and it is just what happens.
But he's not old! He's only 52 for foot's sake. He is young enough to fight this and make it through. I don't have granduer ideas that he will be around for decades. That thought was killed the moment he told us about the spot on the scan. I knew at that moment that I would be lucky to get another six years of time with him. That thought stops me in my tracks. I don't like to think about that side of this illness.
I don't really feel like doing anything other than what has to get done. Is that normal? The idea of watching a movie, cooking food, going to the store, talking to friends, organizing my room, taking a shower.....nothing but the essentials seem to matter. Although some people would argue that a shower is essential. I will go for a run tonight. A nice long run where I can sweat out the chocolates I can't seem to stop eating. And the coffee. No more pizza though. I realized that I spent $100 on pizza last month. That's not smart. For my waisline or my wallet.
Everyone in the family is worried. No one wants to step on toes and say something that is going to make the other person worry more. I don't want to dump anything on dad, but at the same time he is the guy that I take my problems to. He knows the guy drama. He knows the work issues. He know me better than anyone on the planet and is the strongest opinion I want. So I have to get past thinking it is burdening him. Cristin doesn't want to worry me at all so I know she is going to keep her feelings about everything inside for fear of adding to my worries. That can't continue. She is the only other person in the world who is going to feel what I feel. She is the sister that is going to be able to understand when I tell her the deep fears I have. She is the one closest to having the same experience I am going through. Emily is going to experience this loss in a completely different way. I can't even begin to think of what is going through her mind.
When I was at Raley's the other night I saw a dad and daughter walking around shopping. He was in a suit and tie, she was in soccer gear with her hair pulled up. Reminded me of dad and me. I was hit with about a million different thoughts. Realized that dad might not be going to Emily's HS soccer games. Remembered the times after a volleyball game when we would stop for pizza on the way home. Remembered all the little things that I guess will just become part of living.
I have never been one to remember everything. Cristin is amazing at that. She remembers things that I have totally forgotten. I'm glad she does. It makes me smile that she has this whole wealth of knowledge that she can pull from. It makes for interesting dinners. But lately I am getting flashes of things that I had long ago put into my memory. Nothing huge. Nothing life altering. But brilliantly clear images of my life with my dad. That is a really cool thing.
No more alcohol. No more dairy. More flaxseed and no more processed food. Dad is on an eating regime and I am joining him. There is so much evidence of a whole foods diet being a way to kick this in its ass. Now if he would just stop smoking......but that's a different blog.
Thanks for listening.
2 comments:
Just stopped by to say hello and to say that although cancer is a dreaded word, sometimes one begins to live only after they are given this label. I spent a lot of quality time with my dad after he was diagnosed. Time that, sad to say, I may not have spent with him prior to "cancer world".
Live every day and never, ever give up hope. I am thinking of you and your family and am sending a hug and prayers your way.
Amie,
I have two thoughts. And no, I do not have the words to make it not suck. But here's my offering none the less.
1) It is so unfortunate you guys are going through this. My only consolation, like it was with Greg's grandma before she died, was that we knew she was going to go. So we all had our time to make peace with her and say our goodbyes. I'm not saying you have to do that with your dad, but perhaps some comfort can be found in knowing he may pass soon, he may pass later. You have time NOW to tell him how much you love him. How much you appreciate the memories. The disease is not a surprise that took him before you were able to show him your appreciation for who he is.
2) Remember "La Vie Boheme" from "Rent?" The line that says "To people living with, living with, living with, not dying from disease." He's living with cancer, not dying from it. Right?
And always, if you need a person outside of the family to chat with, cry to, etc, I am here.
Jessica
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