Home from the hospital

Dad is home today from UCDavis hospital. His back is really bothering him. I have never seen him in so much pain. He winces with every step, almost with every breath. The problem with back pain is that it tends to take over everything else. You can't do anything without pain so everything becomse depressing and not worth it.

I don't really know how to help. After watching Larry go through a little of the same pain I know that it is a deeply personal pain that just makes life miserable. I am here for the weekend and doing everything he asks for. I want to just take a wand and make the pain go away. I want to be able to do something. I feel helpless. And I have a feeling this helplessness won't go away.

Right now we are sitting, he's lying, in the living room. We are trying to keep track of all the appointments he needs to set up and get to and all the meds he needs to take. It's overwhelming. I can't even imagine the burden he is carrying.

On the way home last night we stopped by Raley's to pick up his newest regiment of pain pills. He mentioned a feeling of dejavu from when he was in my position with his mom as she was going through all the hospitals and medications. I remember the numerous trips he would take down to Las Vegas to be with her and walk grandpa through everything. He managed to balance his life here, work and still keep us happy and busy. He said he and grandma were able to laugh about things and have a lightness about it. I don't know that I will be laughing any time soon. He said he felt guility that all this was being dumped on me and having to take care of him. I told him that guilt could not come in to what we are fighting. There can be no guilt or apologizes or anything.

I don't know how coherent these blogs will be. Today I am not crying. Today is about getting appointments set up and things in line. Today is about making sure he's comfortable and eating. Today is about making sure when I go back to work on Tuesday he is set up and doing okay. This weekend is about making sure Sylvia will be fine when I go back during the week.

I know I will come back here. I know I will be quitting my job and spending the better part of the rest of the year up here. There is no way I can stay so far away. Emily needs us all around. Dad needs support and care, someone to drive him all over and keep track of everything because he can't see through a fog of morphine. Cristin needs someone to watch Daniel so she can have time with Dad. Sylvia needs support so she doesn't feel alone. This is something we all will be fighting together and I can't see what a job has to do with anything. I am not jumping the gun yet. I am not running back on Tuesday and giving notice. There is a lot of waiting still to happen and paychecks to make.

Wow- just the crappiest waiting game I have ever played.

Thanks for Listening