Dad is really bad off today. I am sitting in the room with him as he sleeps because I can't be too far away from him. It's as if I can feel the end coming. He is in so much pain. He is back to the pain being so bad he is crying. My heart hurts so uch for him. Hospice is starting this week. I'm sure of it. Dad keeps asking for it and I'm sure that is the next step.
Last week we had our appt with the oncologist. He pretty much said the cancer is moving too rapidly for anything else to be done. Said chemo will only hurt him and he would end up dying of an infection or virus because his white count would be so bad. Radiation offered only a touch of help so no more of that. And the clinical trial is a no-go. There was he possiblility of a different type of pill for him, Something to arrest the development of the cancer so it stops spreading and then we could go in for chemo. But I don't think he is going to get there.
Tomorrow we are going in for a blood transfusion. He is severely anemic and the doctor wants him to get some new blood. I hope that a rush of new red cells will mean that he has a few more good days. I'm a little scared of what a transfusion is and what it will do to him. But I am keeping good thoughts and a bucketful of hope.
I can't stop thinking about everything we have shared. Everything we have done together. All I want is a little more time with him. I suddenly want longer conversations and an extra five minutes every time I saw him. I want back the nights of debates and the big bear hugs. I don't want him to die. I'm not ready. I know that is a selfish thing to think. And I know that his passing is going to leave him in comfort and ease his pain. But I want to have him here. I know that when he's gone, he's gone. Forever. And that is something I am not willing to wrap my head around quite yet.
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