That is the only word I can think of right now. Overwhelming. Overwhelming sadness. Overwhelming pride. Overwhelming happiness. Overwhelming love. Overwhelming devotion. Dad is sleeping right now and Cristin just left. She and Daniel came over for a little while. I could tell how bothered she is.
Crap. There is so much to talk about and yet all I want to do it fix it. I'm sitting here in tears because I don't know what else to do. I don't know what is going on with him. I know more than anyone in his life what he is doing and what meds he's on and how he sleeps. But I don't know the pain. I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know what he's fighting. I don't know what to do with the signs I see all the time, things that could be making him worse. Are they just side effects? Are they signs that he is getting worse? Are they just the dowfall until he starts to get better?
What if he doesn't get any better? What then? When do the treatments stop? When does he go into hospice? I see the man that is my dad and I see the mental strength. I see the fight in him and I know it is frustrating the hell out of him to not be able to fight this. I know he doesn't want to give up. I know he wants to fight this. I know he's scared of the chemo and the MRIs and the scans and everything he has to do.
What I don't know is how long. What I don't know is what I am doing. I just want someone to come over, look at him and say "yeah, he'll be fine. This is just a setback." And that isn't going to happen.
1 comment:
Hiya. If I can venture as to give you some advice from experience ... perhaps don't think of answers to questions like "when will he go into a hospice" or "when will treatments stop". I found it just upset me to think about things like that when my dad was ill - firstly because I couldn't have the answers and even reading from about other peoples experiences and talking to my brother-in-law who is a doctor, everyone's case is different and there's really no way to know. I know that it's frustrating but I suspect that the doctors can just tell you what they suspect. But there are no guarantees about any of this :( Best wishes...
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