Ah The Joys of Office Life

I can’t say too many bad things about it because every time I do, something good comes from it. Maybe I should say more bad things.

Today is Tuesday. With the show and school and spending every waking minute wondering if I’m going to be able to pay for everything I need to pay for, I’m tired. Today I was told by no less than five people that I looked tired/sick/tired/stuffy/tired. All those things are true. I look like hell. I almost passed out with my trainer this morning. Think I scared him a little bit, but I stayed upright. My days go from 6a-11p rarely without a stop (except for the time I am sitting on my ass at my desk. But since I have to be conscious the entire 9 hours I consider that “not stopping”). I go to the gym in the morning, go to yoga in the morning, work out with my trainer in the morning. When I’m not doing one of those things I’m getting to the office at 7am to set up for a meeting. Then I sit at my desk for 8-9 hours.

One blessing of this job is that I get internet access all day. Not to every site, I’d have the biggest farm EVER on Farmville if that was the case. I look up auditions online, I look up physical therapy schools, I “free click for breast cancer” twice a day, I check my hotmail. I even watch TV here. That’s my secret weapon to not going insane; Netflix.com instant watch. I’m sure that is what is going to eventually be my demise. But it’s wonderful! (I found my new favorite comedy- The IT Crowd. It’s from Britian and it’s like The Office meets Office Space. I love it!) So there are advantages. And they feed me. Big meetings will come in and they will have a lunch and I’ll get to have some too. Or I’ll get lunch bought for me because they are buying for the other execs on the floor. I have leftovers from a lunch yesterday that I’m going to have for dinner tonight. So I’m able to keep in a budget that way. I can’t tell you the last time I went grocery shopping. Of course some days my meals are chips and hot chocolate because that is what’s around. But it works and I’m fed. There are good and there are bad. I focus on the good.

Then 5:30 comes and I either head to school, head to babysitting, head to the theater or head to an audition. Life is moving along and I am caught up in the middle of it.

And I like that.

And I freeze in fear in the face of it. I can’t look at the passing seconds on a clock because all I think is that my life is passing me by. I can’t look at a calendar because I am struck by the fact that those days are gone and I never get to have them again. Everything feels permanent and fleeting at the same time.

I know why I’m running around like a loon. The sad three months are coming up. I am starting to have the flashes again. Last night I stared at the ceiling for an hour while I willed the memories to go away. I feel like a broken record thinking about my father over and over. And I usually keep busy enough that I don’t have to be reminded. But the knowledge flashes back and breaks my heart as if it just happened.

I still can’t believe he’s forever gone. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that I will never see him again or hear him or anything or feel his hug again. These three months hurt so much.