No More Pedantic Dreams

Lose 20 pounds. Pay off credit card debt. Buy a new car.

When did my dreams become so pedantic? When did I stop setting goals to change the world? I used to dream about being a Dallas Cowboy’s cheerleader. I used to dream about owning a flat in London and marrying a rich prince who would help me garden. I used to dream about traveling the world on a small boat while I took pictures and drank coffee in small cafes. I used to dream about being a showgirl in Vegas, moonlighting as a lounge singer and having my own show on the strip.

Now I hope to one day have no credit card debt and be skinny?!!?

Who am I? Who is this woman sitting at a desk entering survey answers, wondering where her life went? Who is this woman sitting here feeling like she’s WASTING her life? I never ever ever EVER wanted to be this woman. This is NOT where I wanted to be at 31.

I still dream those things. I still think about a life that is not the one I am living. Those goals just seem really unattainable right now. They seem as unattainable as digging myself out of this debt I’m in. I don’t feel free anymore. And anyone who has kids or is taking care of a family member or a mortgage right now is probably shaking their head thinking “YOU don’t have freedom?!!? Try being tied down with all of THIS!” And I know, I know there are more settled lives out there. I’m not saying my load is any more or any less than someone else’s. For me, this is hard. This is really frustrating and hard and really not what I want. Do you know how close I am to declaring bankruptcy and deleting all my debt? How nice it would be to start fresh, knowing what I know now? 

But I won’t. My father declared bk and spent his whole life battling money. I saw him worry about where money was coming from and fight with my mom about where money was going. I want to be better than that. I want to work hard and not worry about money. I want to make the decisions that allow me to have the life I want. I work really hard to be a good person. I just wish my finances showed that.

I still have those big dreams. And I know I’m young and childless and now is the time to go reach for them. All I need is to be able to sit my ass in this chair and keep my mouth shut for 9 more months. I can do that. I can get a second job and dig myself out of this. Because at the end of this job is an empty credit card and the doors will open for all of my new dreams. 

I can’t be a DC cheerleader, but I can take a weekend road trip and go see a Cowboys game and cheer with them. I can still own a London flat one day. I can still meet and marry a rich prince who worships the ground I walk on. I can get a job on a ship and eat exotic foods from far away lands. I can take a photography class and then jump on a weekend getaway boat and fill my camera up with gorgeous sunset shots. I can still dream all those things. And I do. The thing to remember is to not get caught up in the now, but to really look to the future and trust that by keeping my dreams in my head, I CAN get out of this chair and I WILL change the world.