GUT CHECK TIME - 2017 Goals Progress Report

GUT CHECK TIME!

100 days left of 2017. How close am I to achieving my goals set for 2017, keeping in mind the absolute shit-show this year has been? Not an excuse, merely a bigger obstacle than I anticipated.

Physical

- Lose 30 lbs (5%) - This remains the white whale (pun intended). I've lost 5lbs. I am shooting for at least 10 more before 2018

- Do full splits on both sides (50%) - I can do full on the right. Left is taking her time. Hip trouble is not helping, but dancing every day totally is

- Full headstand w/o the wall (5%) - I can lean my body against the wall. This is still possible before the end of the year though!

- 6 halfs and 3 fulls (10%) - not nearly enough races this year. However, I have New Mexico in Oct, a 5k this weekend and at least 3 more 5ks before the end of the year. Will most likely get another half in there as well now that the weather is gorgeous

- Run/walk 2017 miles (64%) - I am on track to complete this one!

Money

- Pay down $20k (15%) - I'm chipping away at this. Still have 5 years of debt ahead of me, but at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

- Build emergency fund (6%) - I have $400 in savings. More than I've had in the past. Less than ideal.

Travel

- SDCC for full 4 days (50%) I was able to go out for 2 days and it was wonderful

- 2 new marathon states (50%) I'll get NM done but probably not a second state

- See family 4 times (50%) January show and 4th of July celebrations! Will see them in Nov and December

Career

- Book shows consistently (100%!) I have worked my butt off and have booked a show every month in 2017 so far. My career is moving forward!

- $5k in income (100%!) I thought I set a too lofty of a goal here. But I set it and I achieved it! It feels good to be validated!

- Get an agent (0%) This is still on going. I need an agent so I can make more money and quit my "day job", allowing me to be a full time entertainer. I know it's possible!

Looks like I have some work to do! #LetsDoThis

Restating My Purpose-Driven Life

Go! Live your dream! Go enjoy your life.

Tonight I open Into The Woods as The Witch. I was walking around, warming up, last night and I stopped myself and took a deep breath. I sat with the realization that I get to play The Witch. I’m doing it. I looked to the sky and thanked the universe for this gift. For the validation, again, that I am on the right path and doing what I am meant to do.

A year ago I stood in the same courtyard, warming up for The Narrator in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It was also a part I had wanted to play for years. I took the same deep breath, looked to the sky and gave thanks. In the past 7 months I have played parts that have been on my wish list since high school: Reno in Anything Goes, Mayzie in Seussical and The Witch in ITW. I have managed to cross off almost my entire wish list in a 12 month period. That blows my mind.

I get to play The Witch. Even as I sit here, saying that sentence over and over, I can’t believe it’s true. Yet, here we are. Opening night. And I have never been more sure of anything.

As many of you know, I have been struggling with where I fit in this world. What am I “supposed” to be doing? Where can I best be used? What am I here for? I have thought about physical therapy, music therapy, event planning, marketing, nursing, teaching……anything and everything that sounded like it would help the world. Something I could do that would use my skills and be useful. I have taken business classes, talked with PTs and shadowed event planners. I have run around like a chicken for years, trying to find where I fit. All while doing shows and networking and finding my nitch in the theater world.

I fit on stage. I belong on stage. Never has that been clearer to me than this year. I believe in my heart, all the way down to my tired toes, that I belong in the theater community. As a tree, as a showgirl, as a witch…..whatever they’ll have me do. I love everything about this world and here is where I will make a difference.

Here is where I will give an extra hug to the little girl who needs one. Here is where I will guide new actors into the confidence building world that is live theater. Here is where I will look a fellow actor in the eye and give them the strength to "go there" because they trust I'll be there with them. Here is where I will hug someone a little longer, letting them know there are good people out there who care for them. Here is where I will make the world better.

It might seem like a silly thing, making the world better through theater, as an actor. And for a really long time I felt selfish and a little small minded for wanting to live my life on the stage. But it’s not. It’s not selfish to want to affect people and touch them and allow them the freedom to feel things. It’s not selfish to want to make people laugh and enjoy life. It’s not selfish to offer mental release from stress and pain. It’s not selfish to motivate people to get out there and live their dream and make their world the best it can be. And it’s certainly not selfish to live a life that is filled with purpose, where I feel completely fulfilled by the universe.

I might never buy a big house with a full sized theater. I might never retire. I might never have the latest gadgets or movies or books. I might never take lavish vacations or travel the world with nothing but my expensive camera in my hand. I might never…..a lot of things. The reality of being a working actor is a small bank account.

But here is what I will have. I will have the confidence and faith that I am doing God’s work and using the talents I have been given. I will have peace in knowing that I changed lives and made a difference in people. I will have the joy in a world filled with my family, my friends and people I love dearly. I will have peace that I used my time here to the best of my ability. I will have comfort that comes with knowing I have a dream, I’m living my dream and I’m working my ass off to make all my dreams a reality.

This does not, however, lessen my determination to marry a Prince and get those new expensive gadgets. A Princess is allowed more than one dream, right?

2011 Goal Check-Up

Happy July!! Know what that means? BBQs, pool parties, the final HP movie (oh my goodness) and this- Amie’s Goal Check Up

I did this last year and found it really helped take stock of the year. Let’s me look at where I’ve been and what I want to accomplish in the next 6 months. I always put out more goals than are probably possible. Not only are there only 24 hours in the day, there are outside influences that hinder or help the goals. Such is the case for this 2011 wrap-up.

Resolutions and Goals are different things. A few years ago I started separating them because I was overwhelming myself with resolutions and then upsetting myself when I didn’t achieve all of them. So I get goals. Some of these goals have been on the list for the past three years and still haven’t been accomplished. (Might be time to reevaluate my goals next year. Set something a little more attainable. But I am learning. I don’t have “Win a Tony” on the goal list this year.

Here are my resolutions for 2011:

Resolutions
- No fast food
- No Soda
- Workout 5x week
- One letter mailed every week

How have I done? Well really, really well for the first five months. Then it kind of all fell apart. Last year I did no fast food and never cheated. Not when I was stressed, sad, hormonally eating or anything. I stayed far away and for Christmas I got to eat In-N-Out. It wasn’t very good so I felt confident in putting that on my list again this year. June saw me eat all the fast food I’ve been wanting to eat. And I paid the price. Upset stomach, bloated feeling all the time and just icky. So, while I did enjoy the 11p In-N-Outs after rehearsal, the next 6 months bring me back to reality and away from the drive-through.

No had soda this year, minus the one day I was throwing up all morning and needed Sprite. But that doesn’t count. It was medicinal. I find that I don’t really miss it, unless I’m looking to mix my Jack with something. And since I always have a Jack and Coke on my father’s birthday, I will have one this month. But then back on the horse.

I have not gone to the gym, per se, 5x a week. But I do work out. Whether it’s rehearsal, a run before rehearsal or stretching while on break from rehearsal, I have kept this one up. Probably the only reason I haven’t gained any weight this year.

One letter mailed? Wow- that one didn’t even get off the ground. I need to get on this. I’ll take July off from worrying about it and then start again in August. I enjoy writing letters and would like to be better about it. However, it’s not going to break my heart if this resolution goes away in 2012.

And my goals?

Goals
- Down to 140lbs and maintain (HA HA HAAAA!! I had an amazing goal for this and absolutely no follow through. I even did a whole blog about it. And a Challenge. Guess what- the wedding is next week and I have not lost a single pound this year. I’ve slimmed out. I’ve toned up. But weight? Still holding strong. So I now have set the goal date as when I leave for school for the 20lbs and then maintain. That I can totally do!)
- Pay off 12k in debt (I have paid off a little over $5000 so far this year. Baby steps.)
- Repay Schwab for massage school (This is going to have to go on the back burner for the rest of the year. Much like my entire massage career.)
- Book a ship or Jubilee (Went to the Jubilee audition and rocked it. But no go. So this will have to wait another year)
- ROCK grad school aud, get accepted (DONE!!! Whew! Cross that OFF the list!)
- Book 5 shows (technically done. Anything Goes, All Shook Up, Seussical, Into the Woods and grad school. Not too shabby of a year)
- Edit movie reel (Also on the back burner. I no longer look, or act, the way I did 10 years ago and shouldn’t send out a reel that doesn’t show who I am now. This goal will be revisited in 2013 when I’m done with school and back in LA pounding the pavement. Unless I’m performing on London’s West End.)
- Run 6 marathons (Hmmm…..still time for this. I have done 1 this year, mostly due to the fact that I have been doing shows. I have run four ½ marathons, which is awesome. I am looking forward to running some beautiful races in Europe)
- New headshots (Again, not really needed right now. I don’t need them for grad school so I’m off the hook for the next year.)
- Straight As in SMC classes (I dropped my SMC classes for spring when I realized I wasn’t going to be able to take my three classes and do a show and work full time. And when I realized I wasn’t going to be a PT any time soon.)
- Write lounge act (Going to work on this in England. What better place to have a cabaret than in a city that doesn’t have a clue who I am?)
- Organize and maintain desk (HA! Again, not so much. It helps that I’m moving this week and it’s all just getting tossed into a box for another year)
- Write, finish, option 3 scripts (Nope)
- Get a dog (Nope. When I found out about school I realized this dream has to be on the back burner as well.)
- Book 5 movies (Nope)
- Buy a good car (YES!! I love my car and I hope I can keep her. She’s so cute!)
- Don’t get further into debt (I succeeded in this as well. Until now. I have a week without money so I’ll have to borrow from MasterCard a little. Oh, and there is the $40k school loan I have pending. That adds a little. But it’s good debt!)

There is the year so far. 17 attainable goals- 4 of which are no longer viable options and are off the list. I have completed 5, a little less than half. Gives me 6 moths to finish out the next 8. Totally doable.
I put this out there to keep myself accountable and to let people see that we all have little oops-s in our planning and goal setting. We all work hard and move forward and try to be better.

We are all in this together. What am I adding for the next 6 months?
- Get to England with great student loans
- Reprogram myself and the way I look at my dating life
- Be kinder to myself
- Successfully move in with Becca and create a wonderful place to live
- Create a student budget and stick to it
- Enoy the rest of the year. I'm taking a HUGE leap in September and all I can do is work hard and make the best of it. That is the ultimate goal.

Here’s to an amazing next 6 months and rocking the rest of 2011!!

My Glee-fully White T-Shirt

I was a slow passenger on the “Glee” train. It seemed silly and poorly written and, to be honest, one more show I didn’t get cast in. I pushed against it for the first half of the first season. Then my best friend, who rarely gets behind anything popular, starting watching it with his kids and talking with me about it. Then FB people started talking. And Twitter. Soon I was surrounded by the show and eventually I sat and watched an episode. And then another. And I found I really liked it. I do not consider myself a Gleek by any means, but I am a fan. And I subscribe to it on hulu.

This week I am catching up on my Glee episodes. I just finished watching “Born This Way” where the students are given the task to write something on their blank white t-shirts they are ashamed of or would like to change about themselves. The goal is for them to accept their flaws as part of the perfect package that they are. I watched the final dance number, where they actually sing Lady Gaga’s song and reveal what their shirt says. Got me wondering what my t-shirt would say.

At 32 there are parts of me that I truly love. I love my ability to plan a good party and gather people together to enjoy themselves. I love that I am someone my friends come to when they need advice or help with something because they trust my judgement. I love that I make people laugh. I love that I have great relationships in my life that I have worked hard to nurture and enjoy. I love my legs. I love my wrists and my hands. I love my cheek bones and my clavicle. I love that I remember birthdays and send holiday cards. I love that I love Valentine’s Day. I love that I have an infectious energy that people truly enjoy being around. I love that I over plan and then throw my plans out the window because something else came along. I love that I can cry during an episode of Glee just as easily as the end of a Hallmark commercial. I love that I know my body. I love that I know my God. I truly love who I am.

But does my self-acceptance mean I don’t have anything to write on my white shirt? Goodness no. I wouldn’t know how to pick just one thing, when I start thinking about it. What would I change about me? I would give myself more confidence when faced with skinny beautiful women who are secure in themselves. Eventually I get around to it and we become friends. But initially? The husky 15-yr-old who never got picked for lifts in her dance company comes out and tells me I’m too fat/ugly/boxy/plain to be liked by someone as cool as they are.

I would give myself larger, more picture perfect breasts. I’m not going to lie, it’s something I truly believe I would be happier with. I would give myself flat abs and a waistline. I would change how I jump to conclusions before I think it out. I would change my inability to just forget, and the need to punish until I feel justified. I would change my barely there discipline and lack of will power. I would change my hoarding tendencies and make me a cleaner person.

I would change my desperate need to be loved and seen as unique and irreplaceable.

Yet, even as I write this post, I am smiling because I know in my heart that all of these things make me who I am. And I love who I am. That’s not just greeting card wisdom. Without my low self esteem I wouldn’t work so hard to be fit and pretty and liked. I wouldn’t work so hard to better myself and be the best I can be. If I had larger breasts I might not enjoy running and would never have that amazing feeling of crossing the finish line of a marathon. I can get flat abs, if I work hard enough. That change goes along with the lack of discipline and will power. Both things that I can do better about. Jumping to conclusions means I’m a fast thinking and able to make anything from anything. I’m like the MacGyver of emotions. My inability to forgive and forget allows me to have constant vigilance in relationships and be a present and loving partner. (Let’s be honest, I could probably work on this one a little more.) The collecting and cleanliness are both habits I can work on. They aren’t in stone.

And the need to be loved and seen as irreplaceable? My desire for that fuels most of what I do. I need to be loved. I need to be adored. I need to feel useful and important and like I matter in this world. I need to be present and accounted for. I need to be everything. This need keeps me up until 2a working on Christmas presents, out until all hours finding the perfect gift, calling everyone I know to tell them I love them, and working harder and harder every day to make sure no time here is wasted. It is important to me that I be the best person I can be.

So what would my white t-shirt say?

- Neurotic
- Small Boobs
- Opinionated
- Lazy
- Messy
- Boxy
- Needy

Heck yeah I am. And baby, I was born this way.