Spring Dreaming - Question 7

Question 7 - What is your dream job and why?

My dream job is to be a working, household name actor for the stage and screen. I would like a career akin to the likes of Judi Dench, Meryl Streep, Scarlotte Johanssen, Maggie Smith, Patrick Stewart, David Tennant, Hugh Jackman, Natalie Portman, Angela Landsbury, Angelica Houston, David Craig. An ideal week for me would be shooting a movie on location, doing press for the blockbuster that is coming out in the next few months and memorizing lines for the West End show that opens in a week. I would also be working on my book, attending awards shows and movie premieres and lecturing at universities. Let's also throw in my daily workouts with a trainer and meals prepared by my chef.

Oh yes - I'm going to be huge!

Good-bye Desk, Hello Future!

It’s not easy to go after your dreams. It’s not easy to say “no” to the easy and push for what you want. A dream can be anything- weight loss, houses, kids, travel. The list is endless and each of them are attainable. Sometimes reaching for your dreams means having the right platform to jump from.

I quit my job in Feb with the intention to never return to an office. At the time I hadn’t been accepted into school and I had no idea how I was going to fulfill my big dream shoes. I just knew I had to leave the office. After I got into Birmingham for my MA I knew I needed to fill my days, and my bank account, with work and a temp office job was the most logical. No one was going to hire me knowing I was leaving in six months. So once again I found myself sitting at a desk.

Today, at 4:30, that ends. The next time I will be at a desk I will own the company. Now is the time to dream big. It’s so exciting! I’m not sitting at a desk again. I’m not going to be a waitress. I’m not going to DJ parties for rich people. I’m not going to do anything that doesn’t move me forward creatively and artistically. I’m no longer sacrificing my dreams and goals for the easy.

This is a risky move, packing up everything and leaving for a year, but I know it’s the right move for me. I’m trusting this is where my life is supposed to go in order for me to fulfill my purpose on this earth. I have known for years that sitting at a desk is not for me so I’m taking the steps to change it. My dreams are going to come true. My dreams are reachable, attainable, and so completely doable it scares me.

When I walk out of this office at 4:30 today I’m not looking back. I’m not going to think about how I’ll pay my bills or have health insurance or work experience. I’m not going to think about the calming routine of a job where I don’t have stress or have to over extend myself. I’m going to walk out these doors and look to the future.

A future filled with promise and performing. A future filled with amazing food and wonderful friends who continue to support me. A future where I am in charge of my destiny and where I take myself.

These office jobs have served me well. They’ve provided a place to practice monologues and write my blog. They’ve given me supplies to print out resumes and submit myself. They’ve given me a safe and secure place to live. (Twice in my nomad life I have actually slept in the offices where I worked.) They’ve fed me. They’ve provided me lasting friendships. They’ve given me paychecks.
More than anything, they’ve given me a strong platform to jump from in order to reach for my stars.

Thank you, office jobs, for giving me a future to look forward to.

Restating My Purpose-Driven Life

Go! Live your dream! Go enjoy your life.

Tonight I open Into The Woods as The Witch. I was walking around, warming up, last night and I stopped myself and took a deep breath. I sat with the realization that I get to play The Witch. I’m doing it. I looked to the sky and thanked the universe for this gift. For the validation, again, that I am on the right path and doing what I am meant to do.

A year ago I stood in the same courtyard, warming up for The Narrator in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It was also a part I had wanted to play for years. I took the same deep breath, looked to the sky and gave thanks. In the past 7 months I have played parts that have been on my wish list since high school: Reno in Anything Goes, Mayzie in Seussical and The Witch in ITW. I have managed to cross off almost my entire wish list in a 12 month period. That blows my mind.

I get to play The Witch. Even as I sit here, saying that sentence over and over, I can’t believe it’s true. Yet, here we are. Opening night. And I have never been more sure of anything.

As many of you know, I have been struggling with where I fit in this world. What am I “supposed” to be doing? Where can I best be used? What am I here for? I have thought about physical therapy, music therapy, event planning, marketing, nursing, teaching……anything and everything that sounded like it would help the world. Something I could do that would use my skills and be useful. I have taken business classes, talked with PTs and shadowed event planners. I have run around like a chicken for years, trying to find where I fit. All while doing shows and networking and finding my nitch in the theater world.

I fit on stage. I belong on stage. Never has that been clearer to me than this year. I believe in my heart, all the way down to my tired toes, that I belong in the theater community. As a tree, as a showgirl, as a witch…..whatever they’ll have me do. I love everything about this world and here is where I will make a difference.

Here is where I will give an extra hug to the little girl who needs one. Here is where I will guide new actors into the confidence building world that is live theater. Here is where I will look a fellow actor in the eye and give them the strength to "go there" because they trust I'll be there with them. Here is where I will hug someone a little longer, letting them know there are good people out there who care for them. Here is where I will make the world better.

It might seem like a silly thing, making the world better through theater, as an actor. And for a really long time I felt selfish and a little small minded for wanting to live my life on the stage. But it’s not. It’s not selfish to want to affect people and touch them and allow them the freedom to feel things. It’s not selfish to want to make people laugh and enjoy life. It’s not selfish to offer mental release from stress and pain. It’s not selfish to motivate people to get out there and live their dream and make their world the best it can be. And it’s certainly not selfish to live a life that is filled with purpose, where I feel completely fulfilled by the universe.

I might never buy a big house with a full sized theater. I might never retire. I might never have the latest gadgets or movies or books. I might never take lavish vacations or travel the world with nothing but my expensive camera in my hand. I might never…..a lot of things. The reality of being a working actor is a small bank account.

But here is what I will have. I will have the confidence and faith that I am doing God’s work and using the talents I have been given. I will have peace in knowing that I changed lives and made a difference in people. I will have the joy in a world filled with my family, my friends and people I love dearly. I will have peace that I used my time here to the best of my ability. I will have comfort that comes with knowing I have a dream, I’m living my dream and I’m working my ass off to make all my dreams a reality.

This does not, however, lessen my determination to marry a Prince and get those new expensive gadgets. A Princess is allowed more than one dream, right?

The Ambitious 5-Year Plan Needs Good Friends

I was talking with a friend this morning and they said they judge people by their own rules. I really liked that. Easier to mark people to their own standards instead of my standards for them.

We were talking about people who are ambitious and yet complain all the time about how much they hate their life and what they’re doing. We all know there is a difference between just having a bad day and truly hating your life. I know this as well as anyone.

I consider myself an ambitious person. I have big goals and big dreams. I wake up every morning thinking, some day I will have more than this. I know I will. There is too much in the world to do for me to be content with what I have. For a good two years I just complained. I hated my job. I hated where I lived. I hated that I wasn’t going anywhere. I hated that my dad was dead. I hated that I was single. I hated that I didn’t have a dog or a savings account or anything that showed I had been working my ass off for ten years. I felt like I was treading water and I was truly not happy. And I couldn’t see a way out. Then my best friend took me out to dinner one night and sat me down. He said I had to do something if I wanted to change my life. I needed to start taking the steps and trust they will go somewhere. I told him I was scared of making the wrong decision. He repeated words back to me that I have said in my life- “There is no wrong decision. Just different paths we can take.” At the time all I heard was “yadda yadda yadda” because I felt like I was at the bottom of a pit. Then I started taking some steps.

Little ones at first. I took a summer business class online. Loved it. Then I started truly looking at a 5 year plan. I am not a long-term planner kind of person. There are too many variables. But I knew some of the big ticket items I wanted and saw that I needed to get off my ass and get to it. Last summer I started taking steps to move my life into the one I wanted. I knew it would take some time. I knew the long term goals I had were just that, long term. And I needed to be patient, which is not easy for me.

I moved out of the place where I was living. I loved the family I was living with and leaving was a hard thing to do. But I had to make some changes and where I live is an easily changeable variable in my life. I took a few more online classes and started to narrow down my choices of careers. Then I started the ball rolling for grad school. This was the biggest step I could take. It was a leap. The same friend who sat with me and told me I had to take the steps to change my life was with me the whole time, gently reminding me that I was on the right track and was at least doing something. There were a few times I almost turned around and came home. But he held my hand (over the phone) and walked me through all the doubts and nerves.

In February I quit my steady job. I realized I was done being so unhappy. I was done being the person who hates her job. I was done being associated to an awful outlook on life. So without a backup, without savings and without any references, I quit and didn’t look back. It was the best decision I could have made. Because in March I found out that my hard work had paid off and I would be leaving for England in September.

All of this was pushed forward in my memory when I talked with my friend this morning. I am an ambitious person, and that isn’t a bad thing. I did complain (a lot) and then I made the choices to change what I hated. At the time they seemed like individual things. Small choices that weren’t really linked. But looking back on them as I look forward to my next phase of life I see that they all played a vital part in my plan. Without even knowing it I took the steps towards my 5 year plan. My highly ambitious, totally doable and completely malleable 5 year plan.

Good thing I have people in my life who guide me well, make me think and always believe in me. Just add that to the many things that make me a lucky girl.

A Job or A Calling

Last night I went to the Employee Recognition Awards dinner for the hospital. I worked it, actually, but I still got to see the people and watch them be recognized for their length of service. One woman has been working here for 45 years.

45 YEARS!!!

Continuously. She took her maternity leave for her five children, but always came back. She plugs along in the lab every day, comes to work religiously and makes the most of her time here. She has been working here longer than I can even wrap my head around.

It, or course, gave me pause. Next month I will celebrate my one year working at this desk. I was a temp for 10 months and now I am an actual employee. A week from today I get benefits. $50 every paycheck goes into my retirement account. I pay a lot more in taxes because I’m in a different income bracket, making me actually earn less than I did as a temp even though I make more hourly. That’s messed up! But it’s a job and I come here 40+ hours a week and I do work and I go home. I don’t take the stress home with me and I don’t worry about the hospital when I’m not here. I don’t have a blackberry to keep track of me and I don’t take projects home. I am an hourly employee who spends her time wondering what else is out there.

Watching people last night who have worked here 15, 20, 15 even 35 years started to make me think. Do I have it all wrong? Is the point of a job just to show up? I know with unemployment so I high I should be thankful I have a job. Am I am. I truly am. But there is a deep rooted need in me to do more. To make more of my life. To succeed more. Is that the wrong way to look at things? Am I supposed to just be thankful for what I have and keep chugging away? Am I not supposed to strive? Not supposed to try? Not supposed to look behind every corner for the next better thing?

I started to day dream about what my life would look like if I just did this job. I didn’t audition, I didn’t send out resumes, I didn’t go online every day and look for another job. I just did this one. What would I become? Would I still be Amie? Or is part of what makes me “amie” that struggle to be better? Would I eventually find peace? Or would I eventually eat a 9mm? I watched everyone last night look so happy with where they work and what they do. For some it is a job and for others it is their calling.

I guess the question is, when do you just sit thankfully with your job and when do you continue the search for your calling?