The Habit of Being Busy

Singletons are told we need to “keep busy”. Don’t sit and think about past relationships. Don’t wallow in your heart break, no matter how long ago they left. Don’t stay home, curled up in bed, just sitting around waiting for Mr./Ms. Right to come along. You have to get out into the world. Find a new hobby. Do some volunteering. Meet new people who share your interests.

Well I’ve done all that, made it a habit to try new things and say yes, and now I have an entirely different problem on my hands.

My week is packed down to the second. Other than when I sit my ass in this chair at work and look busy, I am active and putting too much into the hours Father Time gives me. These are all things that need to be done and things I enjoy doing. But they are causing me to miss out on life a little bit. People I haven’t seen in a while will inevitably ask me if I’m dating anyone. The ones who know me well always follow up their own question with “What am I saying? It’s you. You’re too busy to date.” I smile and agree and continue to use that as my excuse for the rest of the conversation. I’m too busy to date. I don’t have time for a boyfriend. Anyone I find will have to fit into my schedule because I certainly don’t have an extra second for him.

How is that healthy? What kind of man wants to walk into a packed calendar where I may or may not have time for him? That’s not what anyone wants. And if the shoe was on the other foot? Any man I meet better start clearing his schedule to spend time with me because I’m well worth it. But wait a minute…..aren’t they? Aren’t these future men I meet worth me making time for them? Aren’t they worth me looking at my life and deciding what can get pared down and what needs to stay? Maybe I’m using my busy schedule as one more wall to put up against commitment, true love and the possibility of being happy.

When is it “too busy” and when is it hiding?

This is the double edged sword of modern dating life. Fill your time so you look busy and interesting, but be ready for love and welcome it with the time and energy needed to allow it to flourish and grow. I am a single woman in my 30’s so by default I have my own bills, my own apartment, my own career and my own friends. I have several hobbies I have invested time and love into. I have dreams that I have spent over a decade nurturing. A man who walks into the world I’ve created is going to have to be strong and sure of himself because he’s up against a lot. In the same breath, if I had none of these things going on I wouldn’t be someone the man for me would even be interested in. I’ve created a dating catch-22.

All this and I dislike being home. It is not a comfort to me. It is not a refuge, it’s not calm, it’s not a haven. My home right now is somewhere I sleep between adventures. It’s where all my things are when they’re not in my car. I feel like that’s a turn off for men. Men in relationships usually like to be home and watch TV and share time with their woman. Will I adapt when the right man snags me? Will I see my house as a wonderful place because I’ll have someone to share it with? (Probably. Because even as I wrote that sentence a smile crossed over my face, thinking about long Sunday afternoons with my (future) bf, just existing together.)

So where do myself and other single people go from here? What is the right path? Do I stay busy, filling my time with what I love and the people I love, trusting that when the time comes I'll recognize the signs and stop for love? Or do I start slowing down a bit now and allow room for love? Maybe it’s another chicken and egg question. One that I’ll only know the answer to once I’m sitting on my couch, wrapped in my loves arms, making happiness my new favorite.