Last night, as I was driving home from rehearsal, I realized that I now have a bathtub and can take a bath. I decided I was going to take one, offering my poor muscles some time to rest. The idea of taking time for myself, a few moments of just sitting, brought tears to my eyes and I realized that maybe I am trying to do too much.
The schedule I’ve been keeping these past few weeks isn’t the smartest idea I’ve ever had, but I love theater and performing so I didn’t think too much about it. This is my career. It’s going to be like this my whole life. However, for as wonderful as live theater is, there remains a hole in my heart that I am trying to fix. So I keep piling on things; a garage sale, parties with the cast, breakfast with friends, late night drinks with cute boys, phone calls while I’m driving- all in the effort to connect with people. I’ve been on facebook more these past few weeks than my entire life. I check in on foursquare so I can see what people are doing. I write my blog to share my life with someone. I need to connect, because for as busy and wonderfully full as my life is right now, I feel empty inside. The final straw was signing up for an online dating site specifically to try to find a connection to fill this hole.
As I drove home last night I realized that being online looking for a date was just silly. (That’s a lot of realization for one drive home.) I don’t have any of myself to give anyone. Why would I offer that? Why wouldn’t I wait until I have time to spend with someone, and if I’m honest with myself, my heart to give to someone? Why, yet again, am I willing to put my needs aside for a relationship? Why am I trying to start something when I’m not fully present, ready to accept all the good that is out there in my life?
All these thoughts swirled in my head as the tub filled and my iPod played my massage therapy mix. I sat there, covered in lavendar scented bubbles, steeping my aching muscles in epsom salt, and I cried. I cried silent tears that ran down my face without me having to wipe them dry. I cried that cry that isn’t for anything in particular, but needs to happen. I cried the cry that men hate because they can’t fix it. I cried tears that didn’t give me a headache or leave me gulpping for air, but rather left me with a sense of peace.
When I woke up this morning I had a new sense of calm in my life. Yes, I have to figure out how to fit a one bedroom apartment into one bedroom. Yes, I have to move all my things with only my little Ford to help. Yes, I need to figure out how to pay for school and credit debt and my car while not working for a year. Yes, I need to memorize an entire show. Yes, I need to lose weight.
But today all I need to do is remember to breathe. It will all get done. It won’t get all done today. It won’t even get done this week. But my life is my life and I need to enjoy it. It is possible to enjoy it without having to find a date, see my friends every second or fill every moment of the day with someone just to be doing something. I am doing well in this life, and I don’t need someone else in it to make me feel fullfilled.
One of my favorite quotes is “God can’t steer a parked bus.” What I am learning is he also can’t steer a bus that is careening out of control with no one at the helm. I need to take back control, I need to take a moment and I need to remember that at the end of the day, it’s just life. It’s my life.
Tell yourself, how lucky you are.
4 comments:
I wish I could give you a big hug! Those cries are the best and the worst at the same time - you feel so refreshed and refocused after, but coming to that place - of exhaustion and frustration and feeling that hole in your heart - sucks ass. And you're right - no one else can fix it, but sometimes it helps just to speak what's making you cry. xoxoxo
Thank you Erin. I'll take your big hug!! I didn't post this on FB because it's a little intimate. Thank you for reading and supporting me!
I have Sooooo been there. I can remember crying at a few of my own parties because I had so many "friends" but no real connections. That hole was huge for me. Hang in there - you are such a beautiful woman, inside and out.
Gosh I hate Blogger with all my being, but I love this. Amie, it's so weird you and I are in the EXACT same place. Being busy for no reason, trying online dating. I'm due for a good cry before I leave lol. UUGH! So right there. I'm excited for you and your UK adventures. Hopefully whenever I eventually get to Spain you'll still be there and we can pop over.
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