Most of the time, I am happy with my life. I like myself as a person. I like my friends and my hobbies and my slowly (very slowly) growing career. I believe in my choices and work hard to stay on a path of good and solid living with a healthy dose of fun. When I don’t stop to take stock of what I have and what I haven’t I’m pretty happy. When I don’t sit and look at other people and what they have and what they haven’t I’m even happier. But some days I do stop. And I do look. And those days need to be fewer and farther between.
As facebook brings more and more people into my life I learn about this web of life out there I have been peripherally involved with. People who know people who I am really good friends with and yet have never met. This always throws me. We have 44 friends in common? How do I not know you?!!? And to learn that I was sometimes living in the same city with these people, walking the same streets, living parallel lives without even knowing it. That is when I start to second guess the randomness of the universe.
We make choices every day that effect how our lives will move forward. I don’t believe we have a destiny, but I do believe we have a purpose and our choices either move us towards that purpose or off the path, making it harder to get back on. We chose who to love. We chose where to go to school. We chose where to eat and what jobs to take and which movies to see. And somewhere out there someone is making the same decisions, at the same time, in a world similar to yours, but not quite the same. There is a peripheral woman in my life who is living a life (and has lead a life) that at times I wish I was living. And between you and me, I would have lived it without messing it up like I think she did. But that’s just me projecting. I don't know the details so I can't really judge. Or there is the woman who isn’t in the peripheral, she effects my life every day, and yet I would change positions with her in a hot second if only to have what she has for a fleeting moment.
All this circular talk is simply me thinking about someone in the world who might be looking at my life, thinking it’s similar yet different and comparing it to theirs. Would they be motivated to change their path to be more like mine? Would they be happy with theirs and simply look at me with mild interest? Or would they shake their head and wonder how I managed to mess up every opportunity that was handed to me?
I look at other people and their choices and it constantly motivates me. Interesting blogs motivate me to write more and to entertain through my words and stories. Postings on facebook motivate me to get to the gym or call a friend or go to an audition I was on the fence about. Check-ins on yelp.com or foursquare motivate me to try new places and get out and be more social. Texts and emails from friends and family motivate me to be a better girlfriend/sister/daughter/aunt/friend. I am learning to take everything as a possibility and not as just a moment.
My biggest fear is that I will not have lived a full life. That something (money, time, relationships, career, life) will get in the way and I will look back and stamp my foot in frustration that “she” got to do this or that while I was off doing something else. Frustrated that she got the guy, or got the cooler part in the play, or had the better hair, or got to own a dog, or got to have kids with him while I was off living my life. My fear is that I won’t find peace in my choices, that I will constant second guess and wonder and look for a life that I wished I had lead.
In this instance fear might just be the best motivator.
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