GUT CHECK TIME - 2017 Goals Progress Report

GUT CHECK TIME!

100 days left of 2017. How close am I to achieving my goals set for 2017, keeping in mind the absolute shit-show this year has been? Not an excuse, merely a bigger obstacle than I anticipated.

Physical

- Lose 30 lbs (5%) - This remains the white whale (pun intended). I've lost 5lbs. I am shooting for at least 10 more before 2018

- Do full splits on both sides (50%) - I can do full on the right. Left is taking her time. Hip trouble is not helping, but dancing every day totally is

- Full headstand w/o the wall (5%) - I can lean my body against the wall. This is still possible before the end of the year though!

- 6 halfs and 3 fulls (10%) - not nearly enough races this year. However, I have New Mexico in Oct, a 5k this weekend and at least 3 more 5ks before the end of the year. Will most likely get another half in there as well now that the weather is gorgeous

- Run/walk 2017 miles (64%) - I am on track to complete this one!

Money

- Pay down $20k (15%) - I'm chipping away at this. Still have 5 years of debt ahead of me, but at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

- Build emergency fund (6%) - I have $400 in savings. More than I've had in the past. Less than ideal.

Travel

- SDCC for full 4 days (50%) I was able to go out for 2 days and it was wonderful

- 2 new marathon states (50%) I'll get NM done but probably not a second state

- See family 4 times (50%) January show and 4th of July celebrations! Will see them in Nov and December

Career

- Book shows consistently (100%!) I have worked my butt off and have booked a show every month in 2017 so far. My career is moving forward!

- $5k in income (100%!) I thought I set a too lofty of a goal here. But I set it and I achieved it! It feels good to be validated!

- Get an agent (0%) This is still on going. I need an agent so I can make more money and quit my "day job", allowing me to be a full time entertainer. I know it's possible!

Looks like I have some work to do! #LetsDoThis

Spring Dreaming - Question 11

Quesiton 11 - Describe 10 pet peeves you have

YES!! I LOVE this question!! I have more than ten, but here are just a few.

- Businesses who leave their "Open" sign on when they are, in fact, NOT open.
- Toilet lids left up.
- People who don't use their blinkers.
- Billboards that are still up after the event is over. This runs true for yard sale signs as well.
- Books haphazardly put onto shelves.
- Bad grammar on the internet. Do people not understand that EVERYONE can see it?!!?
- Freezers without ice in them.
- Bendy straws - they never work like you want them to.
- People sitting on my bed without asking.
- Broken bindings on a book.

Oh- and stores who advertise something and then don't have it. Take the sign down if you're all out!

See you tomorrow!!

Spring Dreaming - Question 10

Question 10 - Describe your most embarrassing moment

I don't have a lot of embarassing moments. I don't embarass easily. Well let's fix that- I feel emabarrassed about things I have done (barefoot walking down The Strip, massive mistakes in relationships, calling someone by the wrong name whom I have been working with for 2 years) but I can't think of one "moment". I'm sure someone out there can. Please feel free to chime in!

Oh, and currently the state of my car embarasses me. It's a disaster and that's nothing I like people seeing.

See you tomorrow!!

Spring Dreaming - Question 9

Question 9 - List 10 people who have inspired you

- My Mom
- My Dad
- Cristin
- Emily
- Elizabeth Cady Stanton
- Judi Dench
- Anne Bolyen
- Julia Child
- Eleanor Roosevelt
- My friends (more than ten but who cares! They are all amazing and bring something wonderful to my life.)

Spring Dreaming - Question 8

Question 8 - What are 5 passions you have?

- Interaction. This covers a lot of what drives me and makes me happy. I love to interact with people. I love to chat with the people I server food to, to the woman who checks me out at the grocery store, to the man selling me a water at the 7-11. I love to meet people and hear their stories. I love to be with people- especially my family. I am not an introvert, nor do I do well being alone. I love having my bf over for company. I love going home and seeing my family. I love calling my friends and hearing their voice. I love interacting with people and want to do it all day long.

- Food. I believe in all aspects of food but I am most passionate about the good stuff. I want to eat fresh, organic, elaborate meals filled with yummy flavors and stories about how the person came to make the dish. I love to cook with my family. I slack off when it's just me - I'm totally fine with a bowl of cereal (which is also something to be passionate about)- but I am passionate about sustainable eating, creative ways to eat well and finding new ways to eat the same thing. There isn't a symphony that goes off in my head when I eat something. It's more like I'm passionate about being able to eat what I want to eat. I hope that will more money and time I will be able to fully flush out my love and make every recipe that are currently gathering dust in my cookbook shelves.

- The Arts - Music, film, musical theater, theater, theater history, modern art, literature, hip-hop, classical dance.....it's all in there. I believe art showcases people in a way that no other thing can. It should be embraced by all, even the tone-deaf-color-blind-engineers out there. Without the beauty art brings, we have no need for the straight lines of "normal" life. Artists are a gift and I believe they should be supported wherever possible.

- Money - I do a crap job of keeping it, but I am constantly working to make more of it. I love what it can do, I love the doors it can open, I love looking at it, dreaming about it, spending it, sharing it. Money is a brilliant addition to life and I love everything about it. Especially when I have a lot of it!

- Love - I LOVE to love things. All things. And when I hate something, I LOVE to hate it. I like the all encompassing happiness love can bring to the people who feel it. I am passionate about sharing love with as many people in my life that I can and bringing love to as many things in my life as I can.

See you tomorrow!

Spring Dreaming - Question 7

Question 7 - What is your dream job and why?

My dream job is to be a working, household name actor for the stage and screen. I would like a career akin to the likes of Judi Dench, Meryl Streep, Scarlotte Johanssen, Maggie Smith, Patrick Stewart, David Tennant, Hugh Jackman, Natalie Portman, Angela Landsbury, Angelica Houston, David Craig. An ideal week for me would be shooting a movie on location, doing press for the blockbuster that is coming out in the next few months and memorizing lines for the West End show that opens in a week. I would also be working on my book, attending awards shows and movie premieres and lecturing at universities. Let's also throw in my daily workouts with a trainer and meals prepared by my chef.

Oh yes - I'm going to be huge!

Spring Dreaming - Question 6

Question 6 - What's the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

Hands down- watching my father get sick, weaken and pass away.

Spring Dreaming - Question 5

Question 5 - What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

1- ......thinking......

2- My pupster, Molly, makes me happy. She frustrates me with her need for petting, and her constant licking and her inability to just chill sometimes. But it is such a delight to have a smiling dog greet me at the front door when I get home. It is a treat to watch her bounce up and down when she realizes we are going out. It's like she has springs for paws! And it is so very very very nice to not be alone in the moments when you feel totally alone. Everything they say about owning a dog is true. It's a treat.

3- The promise of tomorrow makes me happy. I have calmed myself down about where I live and the fact that I have to work these two jobs to make and save some money. I have calmed down about taking a year to regroup and refocus and do what I need to do. I think the fact that I am finding peace in that makes it easier and more exciting to look to tomorrow. I am not scared of tomorrow or anxious or anything like that. I am ready for tomorrow. I'm excited about it. And I am happy there is going to be a tomorrow and it is going to be better.

4- My family makes me happy. I love sending them texts and calling them. I love that my mom sends me pictures of her puppy at the horse shows and Emily as she gets ready for prom. I love that I can talk with Cristin about anything and, even if we argue, we are totally good and will work through it. I love that I drink scotch with my Uncle Tim. I love that everyone in my family truly loves each other, even if they can't currently be in the same room with them.

5- Pintrest makes me happy. Damn that website!! I still get awful panic attacks and feelings of inadequacy. But the Geek boards and the Humor boards make the quiet days at work totally bearable. I get a good laugh every time I get on that site and it makes me very happy.

See you tomorrow!!

Spring Dreaming - Question 4

Question 4 - List 10 things you would tell your 16-year-old self

- It's okay to have sex with the person you love. Be safe about it, but don't think you're a bad person (or a slut) because you want to.
- Get a job. It's nice to not "have" to work, but you have no idea how to spend and save money until you don't have any. Mom and Dad won't be there forever.
- Your body is beautiful. You don't "need" to lose 10 lbs. Stop obsessing about it.
- You're never going to have big boobs. Get used to it, accept it, and start loving yourself for who you are. It will make your 20's a lot easier.
- All the stupid stuff you want to do? Do it. Play. All the time.
- College is right around the corner. GO TO UCLA!! Listen to Dad and don't take the "safe" choice. Life will always offer a safe choice. Now is the time to take a chance.
- Practice more. You need it. You're good, but you can be great if you work harder. Work harder.
- Invest. Go to Grandpa Lou and ask him to help you, introduce you to someone to invest with. Even a little money now will change your life later.
- Keep a more thorough journal. Don't just write "I'm mad at mom." Tell the future you why you're mad and what you're feeling. Get it all out there and then learn from it.
- Hug Mom and Dad and Cristin for me. I know right now you're probably at odds with them about something. But one day they won't be there for you to hug. Take that time now.

See you tomorrow!

Spring Dreaming - Question 3

Question 3: Describe your relationship with your parents.

I idolized my father. He could do no wrong and even now, five years after his death, I still have trouble seeing him for his "real" self sometimes. And I'm sure that was hard on him. He was just a guy trying to survive in this world and I laid the responsibility of hero on his shoulders. He and I would run together in the morning and have our shakes and bagels. We both loved dogs and driving fast. He would listen to my side of things and let me have my say. When I became an adult we would debate for hours and it would really bother my baby sister, Emily, because she thought we were fighting. In reality we were just disagreeing but respecting each other. We loved to go out for sushi and drink cocktails on the patio.

The past posts about my dad show how close we became as he was dying and I lived with him. I treasure those moments. They are what keep me smiling on days when I miss him so much I forget he's gone. I know my dad and I parted this earth on very good terms. And I am very excited to see him again some day.

My mother and I had a rocky relationship until I was in my mid twenties. There were many many yelling matches intermixed with her supporting me in every way, all the time. I didn't understand her and she didn't understand me. I wanted a good relationship with her, but neither of us knew how to get it. I eventually called her out on what I wanted and asked for her help. We had a few years of difficulty while we figured out how to converse and communicate what we wanted. Now, however, after all that time, we are good. We still don't fully understand each other, and I know I upset her more than I would like it. But I respect her more than I have before. What I saw before as martyrdom and passive aggressive is her coping technique. I'm not saying it's right and I'm not saying I understand it. But I am more understanding of her and what her life is filled with.

We both enjoy some of the same things, which is really nice. We like to go to yard sales and antique malls. We like wine and vodka and being in the kitchen. We love being with our family and carrying on traditions. There is still so much more to learn from my mother. As I get older I find myself more patient with her and a little more frustrated with myself for not knowing her better sooner. All I can do now is take all the moments I have with her and enjoy them.

I love my father and my mother so very very much.
See you tomorrow!

Spring Dreaming - Question 2

Question 2: Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears

- I am terrified of great white sharks. Pretty sure it stems from watching Jaws too early in life. At my bf's request I watched it again last year on the big screen and I was still terrified. I'm sure it also stems from riding the "Behind the Scenes" ride at Universal Studios Hollywood and fully believing I was going to fall into the "ocean" off the tram and get eaten by a shark. My ability to throw myself completely into rides is not always a benefit. This fear is not completely irrational. Sharks can, and do, kill people. I wade in the ocean, but don't swim out farther than where I can see the bottom. I will go on boats and ships and all that. But great white sharks scare the hell out of me and I want no part of hanging out with them. But I will do everything I can to keep them off the endangered list.

- I am scared of closed spaces I can't see out of. Crawling into a tunnel where I can't turn around, driving/walking/biking into a tunnel where I can't see the end, walking into a pitch dark space without knowing the escape route - no thank you. Not sure where this stems from. As far as I know I haven't had any trauma about this. And I love to snuggle into cozy corners. I sleep best when there is the weight of covers on me. But I can't snorkel, refuse to scuba dive, and won't be caught catching alligators in the sewers or Florida any time soon.

- I'm scared of making wrong decisions and dying with regrets. I can barely decide what to eat sometimes. I know, I know........It's going to happen because there is absolutely no way I can doit all right all the time. But it still scares me.

See you tomorrow!

A Little Spring Dreaming

I stumbled upon this list on Pintrest (damn you, you marvelous website of time-wasting, creative destruction) and thought it would be a nice way to get back into the blogging life. Let's see where the month takes us, shall we?

Question 1- List 20 Random Facts About Yourself

- I hate washing utensils
- I like throwing themed parties.
- There are two episodes of "Big, Rich Texas" on my Mac and I've seen them both over 10 times
- I fall asleep to "Toy Story", often. Like, twice a week or more, often.
- I always have at least three books I'm in the middle of reading.
- I love to clip coupons and use them.
- I have a weakness for convenience store coffee.
- I enjoy collecting things.
- Friday nights usually involve eating an entire pizza, watching a movie and at least one beer.
- I go to therapy and I like it.
- It makes me happy when my clothes are organized by type and then by color.
- I've never seen a full Dr. Who episode.
- I don't want to have kids.
- I'd like to own a goat.
- Since 1996 I have not lived at one address for more than a year. A rough count puts me at 25 address in the past 17 years.
- My life dream is to win an Oscar, an Emmy, a Tony, and a Golden Globe. And to be a Bond girl.
- I also have a goal of owning all the Monopoly games. I currently have 4 versions.
- I have run 18 marathons.
- I love naps.
- I love, love LOVE hyperboles.

There you go - 20 random facts about Amie B.
See you tomorrow!

When Friends Dream

I'm sitting on the subway home, teary-eyed from my theater experience. I just watched a good friend of mine, Jesse Swimm, perform as Bert in Mary Poppins. A man I've known for over ten years. (I drank a shot of whiskey at his 21st birthday) A man I've admired for his endless hard work and powerful determination. A man i have learned from as an artist, a business woman and a friend. A man I've had a little crush on since sophomore year at CSUF (no use denying it) even as we remain the picture perfect platonic relationship. More than anything, a man i will always remember as one who made his dream come true.

Anything can happen if you let it

I want to cry tears of happiness for him. I want to pass around my autographed playbill to everyone in this subway car and say the words 'i know him'. Im star struck. I want to shout from the mountaintops and tell literally the entire world how proud I am of him. He did it!

During Let's Go Fly A Kite it hit me that I was watching a dear friend on a broadway stage, doing what they love and being really really good. and I cried. When he tap danced on the ceiling, something he's dreamed of since booking the show, I cried. And when he came out for his bow, to the cheers of hundreds of people who loved his work, I cried tears of such joy. They were overwhelming.

He did it. And I am proud beyond words

Watching your friends achieve their dreams might possibly be one of my favorite emotions ever.  I can't stop smiling!

Get out there and make those dreams a reality. Dreams are made with strong elastic.

Congrats Jesse. You are an amazing man and I hope to someday (after you win your Tony) sell your autograph for thousands. As a matching set with mine and my Tony.

Keep dreaming my friends. And then get out there and make that dream a reality!

Have a Little Faith

Die hard sports fans are infallible. They love their team. They root for their team no matter what odds are against them. Their dedication struck a new chord in me a few days ago when I thought about the signs they hold up once their team has won. On the TV screen I watched the camera pan past the screaming, cheering fans and saw a few holding up congratulation signs. Signs pronouncing their team the victors. Signs that had to have been written before they came so they would be ready when the final whistle blew.


These fans came to the game expecting their team to win. They know there's a chance they won't. It is a sports game, after all, and those are less than predictable. But the pre-made signs show that these fans had faith that their team would win and the signs would be seen.


"Why can't I have that brand of faith in myself?" I wondered.


A few weeks ago my boyfriend asked if I have faith in anything. I told him I have faith that I'll wake up tomorrow, that I will have food to eat and people around me to love. I told him I have faith that the sun won't come falling out of the sky and I won't be eaten by a rabid dog. He asked if I have faith in myself.


And, as he is known to do, he took my breath away and gave me pause. Faith in myself? Well.....of course I do. Don't I?


The truth is - No, I don't. I believe in myself. I know that I can land in any city and find work, a place to live and make friends. I believe I can tackle any role and thrive. I believe I am a good person who does good work and tries her hardest. However, I do not have that "made before the game" faith.


Why haven't I ever made a 5 year plan? My excuse has been that the world of entertainment is too volatile and subjective for me to plan anything. I have to be ready for the unknown. The reality is, I haven't had faith in myself that I can be a success.


That's a hard pill to swallow. But I'm taking the challenge and now is the time to change. It is time to have faith in Amie Bjorklund.


I am a good actress. I know I am on this earth to act, to perform, to invest in myself and to be great. I know I am here for good things. I am here to love and to be loved.


During that conversation he asked me to have faith in "us". Told me to have faith in the good we are.


I do.


Now it's time to add faith in myself to the pile. It's time to make a five year plan that I stick to. It's time to write out my Oscar acceptance speech. It's time to write out what I'll say when I win my Tony. It's time to pick out the jewelry I'll wear to my red carpet premiere. It's time to decide what gift I'll give myself when I land that blockbuster movie role.


But first, it's time to make a sign, congratulating "Team Amie" on her victory.


I know she can do it.

Mirror Mirror

When I bought my now ancient iPhone 3G in 2009 I had the option to buy a screen cover that was a mirror. My immediate thought was, "who would need that?" I don't carry a mirror around with me and it didn't even occur to me that at some point during the day I might want to check my reflection. I chose to get the basic screen cover. Since then I have thought about that choice more often then I thought I would. There have been moments I needed a mirror and I flash to standing in the AT&T store and mentally slap myself for not upgrading to the mirror option. But just because I don't hold a mirror to myself doesn't keep other people from doing it for me.

Mirrors are vital to bettering ourselves. We can do reps for hours but until we look in the mirror and see how we may be adjusting a different muscle group to make the rep easier, we won't know we're doing it. We can blindly, and happily, walk around the city all day, but without the reflection in the shop window showing us we actually have bed hair and mismatched socks we will continue to think we look amazing. Our habits, our daily life, is just our perception until we get that mirror held up to us. Sometimes by force.

Recently I was made aware of my habit to punish an innocent party because of someone else's treatment of me. He pretty much said, "I can't spend my life apologizing for what he did to you."

Talk about a lightbulb moment.

I don't really have a lot to say about that except that he's right and I was taken aback by how succinctly and with razor-sharp accuracy he called me out. I have thought about that sentence a lot in the past week. (And he'll tell you, I might not have remembered it correctly but the gist is there.) I don't want to force my future boyfriends/fiancées/husbands make up for how poorly I was treated for the better part of 6 years. I don't want to spend my life trying to figure out where I went wrong and how is it different this time. I don't want to compare. I don't want to assume. I don't want to do what I've been doing because it hasn't worked so far.

So, for those of you who follow this blog and know I work on myself every day, I have vowed to hold up more mirrors to myself. I will probably still leave the house with bed-head and mismatched socks. But I will not ask someone who wasn't there, who cares for me for who I am now, to fix what someone else heartlessly broke. And I won't spend my life trying to make it "different this time" so it's better. It's already better.

More mirrors, less heartache. Who's in?

Every Day a Little Pain

While I was sitting in the salon this afternoon getting my hair done, I started thinking about how my hairdressers’ arms must get tired. She stands all day, using her arms above the midline of her body. That thought made me think about how in time she probably gets used to it and the muscles she needs to do her job just get stronger. It’s our brilliant body adapting and morphing into what the world asks it to do. When we work out our muscles tear a little then repair stronger than they were. 

I started thinking, maybe it’s the same thing with relationships. Each time they end our heart breaks down a little more, establishing the need to rebuild (along with the pain that brings). This pain makes us stronger and ready to face the next thing the world will ask us to do.

The heart is about the size of your fist and one of the strongest muscles in the body. Its job is to pump every blood cell through every vein to every organ, delivering fresh oxygen and carrying away garbage. Our hearts are amazing. And while I know they are not directly related to the emotion of love, our oxytocin “cuddle” hormone takes care of that, our heart is where we feel the ache of losing someone we love. (And thank you cortisol for your part in that aching feeling.)

This idea of pain has been with me all day. I woke up this morning and my chest felt heavy, like there wasn’t enough room in it. The thought occurred to me, “of course there isn’t enough room. He gave your heart back to you. It has grown so big in his love it no longer fits in your chest.” Hence the pain of fitting this new heart, which has known a love so great I can’t stand to think about losing it, into my life again. Along with that comes the aching pain.

Pain helps us grow. I know that. The pain of heartache helps us be ready for the next time. It allows us to remember what good love felt like and to be ready for it when it comes again. Pain weakens us for a time, makes us cry, grieve, lie silently looking at the wall for hours and takes away our appetite. Pain drives us to have that extra pint in a vain effort to take the pain away. Pain tears little parts of us into pieces, leaving us to wonder if we will ever be whole again.

But pain isn’t forever. Our body adapts to pain and finds a different way of doing something so we don’t hurt ourselves. Our body, including our heart, doesn’t like to work harder than it needs to, so it will find an easier way to do what needs to get done. And loving someone needs to get done. I will not live in a loveless life. So while for now I sit with the pain, I will also acknowledge it. I will flash onto the good memories of him and smile because they happened. I will also flash onto the ideas I had of a good future and cry because they won’t. But through this all, the little tears everyday, I will grow stronger. 

And just like my hour of pain at the gym every morning, this pain will be worth it.

An Especially Empty Left Ring Finger

For anyone who knows me, you have heard me talk about my desire to stay single and live my life. I never minded a boyfriend here and there, but had no desire to get married. It's sounded pedantic and boring. I mean, being a girl, I have thought about my wedding. Thought about where I would want it and who would be there. However, I am such a believer in using what's in our life currently I always assumed that when the time was right I would have the people who were important to me in the bridal party and they people who attended would be my friends at the time and whomever my groom wanted there. As much as I enjoy planning my day and my meals and my money, I am not a big believer in planning my life. There are too many variables that are out of my control.

This past January the love of my life put a gorgeous saphire ring on my left ring finger and changed my life.
He made it clear it wasn't an engagement ring. His exact words were, "When I ask you to marry me, you'll know." But the message was that we were moving forward. We were in this, together, and I could trust that this relationship was heading down the aisle, into a lifelong partnership. It didn't matter to me when, for the first time in my life I was just estatic that it would.

I started to finally trust that I had a future with him. After years of telling myself I didn't need him (that it was all going to be fine because I was able to live my dream and not worry about a husband/house/kids/settling down) I was looking down the track to my life with him and I felt calm and ready and like it was the best decision I would ever make. I've been running from commitment and just living my life but when he put that ring on my finger I never wanted anything more. I was settled. This was it. I was ready for the daily life of loving someone and the forever it promised.

How was this different? How was this special? Why this man? I'm in love with him, foibles and all. To quote Phoebe, he's my lobster. Has been for years.  He's who, out of all the animals in the sea, I want to hold claws with. He's the man that knows me better than anyone and pushes me to be a better person. He's my champion and my cheering squad. I am interested in everything he does and everything he says. I want to know what fills his head and his heart. With him, the idea of a quiet night at home suddenly becomes the one place I want to be. He was my world and I was so thrilled we were going to have it.

My fears of marriage and being forgotten and being left alone were gone. I threw myself into life with him, even being 6,000 miles away. I called him my boyfriend and smiled when I looked at the ring, treasuring what it meant. I started to trust that my commitment fears were gone and I was sure of someone. I was sure of myself and my ability to be faithful and commit and be loyal to this man till the day I died.

Loyal. Commited. Faithful.

These are not words I would have given our relationship before these past months. I haven't played by those words and have now paid the price for that. I didn't treat it like it was special and needed to be cherished. I didn't know what it felt like to be secure. To be sure of someone. He is the only man who has taken the risk and said he is willing to change his life and be with me. He is the only man I am willing to change my life for.

The empty space where the ring once sat now haunts me and sends me onto a much different train of thought. I am not the person I was. I'm not the person who enjoyed an empty left finger and felt it was a sign of independence and "look, I don't need a man" attitude. What I see now is loneliness. What I see now is my failing as a partner. What I see now is the shadow of a life I didn't know I wanted until I lost it.

Until I lost him.
The most special thing I've had in my world.

It takes an amazing man to wrangle in a woman like me. A wonderful, patient and heartwarming man to change how I look at marriage and commitment and myself as a partner. He is that man. And I am still wrangled in.

No Expiration Date

One of my professors, Professor V., is an older gentleman who is a true gem in this world. He can quote the literary greats like he’s talking about his own history. He has a passion for the world of theater and works tirelessly for his students. His is, in a word, amazing. Prof V. has a heart of gold and is one of those people in the world you just immediately root for. You want them to be happy and prosperous and see all the good come to them. You worry about them when they don’t look well and you laugh along with them as they talk about their day and their experiences. People like Professor V. make this world a better place.

Which is why I was overjoyed when he told us he had fallen in love and was happy. I still smile when I think about him telling us in class the other day. He blushed and smiled and seemed to light up with this new man in his life. Now, this man is in his 60s and is as neurotic as the rest of us. He is a gangly old man who has had his share of men in his life. He makes no secret of it. And while it may sound naive and a little small minded, my second thought at hearing the news (behind being truly happy for him) was “he’s proof we can still find love when we’re old.”

I know, I know, even thinking those words out again makes me cringe at the way it sounds. I can hear it now- What do you mean “old”? What, old people don’t have the right to be happy? Old people can’t fall in love? And that’s not what I’m saying at all. What I was happy for was that joy in his eyes and truly seeing that finding love, at the age when what society deems your “best years” are behind you, is possible.

In a world where people get married at 22, actress can’t find “good” roles after 40, and the term “expiration date” doesn’t just apply to food, I find myself wondering if I will be able to have love in my 60s. And not only love, but good sex. I have a friend who is a grandmother and happily married and I have heard from her own stories that good sex is still an option into your later years. And now with the wonderful relationship I’m in, I’m certain that amazing sex is going to remain in the schedule. But if life takes the love of my life from me (touch wood it doesn’t, I don't want a life without him) and I find myself single and 60, I like the idea that I will still be loveable and worthy of attention from the opposite sex- even if I am gangly and neurotic (which I most surely will be).

So my hat is off to you Prof V., for getting out there and doing it! Loving and trusting and enjoying life. I didn’t think it was possible for him to be more of an inspiration, but he is. Just goes to show that grad school is more awesome than I could have thought!

Have a wonderful day! Get out there and do something fun!!

Options Options Options!!

There is a saying here in England, “If you don’t like the weather, wait a few minutes. It will change.” With the upcoming change of visa requirements and the finish line of school in my sights (even if still months away) it seems like that sentiment is applicable to my plans as well. This sense of confusion, the need to have a plan, seems to radiate throughout the BSA Post Grads.

When I applied to BSA last year it was with the understanding that once a student has a Student Visa and completes their degree they can apply for, and receive, a working visa which will allow them to work full time and guarantee residency for two years. This coming April that is going to change. Students will have to get a job paying 20k a year and get a sponsor before they will be given a working Visa. This brings a lot of challenges, not the least of which is that in this economy not many people are going to be willing to offer a job to a temporary citizen when there are so many Brits out of work. It also lengthens the list of options for all of us.

The variations in these options brings me great joy and excitement. I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a healthy amount of worry in there, but the majority of my energy lies in the idea that, once again, the world is my oyster. I get to start a new chapter in life! I have a new set of tools that ROCK and allow me a stronger leg-hold on the competition. Not to mention an amazing thesis and hopefully some published articles to feather my academic nest. 

Here are a few of the options out there:

• Move to London without a secure working visa. This means I get an apartment, find a job and audition the hell out of my life until 13 Jan 2013, when my visa expires, at which time if I don’t have a job I head back to the states. (Well let’s be real. I’ll probably spend a few months hiding out in Paris simply because I can.) The idea of living in London makes me smile, gives me a sense of excitement about what’s out there available to me. I can audition for the West End. I can audition for a tour. I can head down to Paris and find work as a voice-over actress. I can coach the American dialect with young actors here. There are options upon options out for me. This seems like the best option for my dream of winning a Tony. Get out there and use myself and my skills, take workshops and continue to grow and learn.
• Apply the working visa now, spend the money (about $1000) and give myself the option of staying as long I can. This is the more expensive option and doesn’t give me pressure to find work before my visa wears out. Seems like it would take away a piece of motivation. However, there is something comforting in the idea that I have two years without having to worry about getting kicked out of the country. I can take longer to find a job I enjoy, maybe audition instead of interview, and really enjoy being in the city. 
• Book a European tour. (Yes please!)
• Finish school and head to somewhere on the East Coast. I don’t want to lose my classical training and there is a world of great theater happening on the East side of the USA.
• Finish school and head back to California, find work and coach on the side.
• There is also the option of going back to school. I would love to get my MFA at San Diego University. That was my number one school choice last year during auditions and I know I did well when I met with them. However, now with a year of classical training behind me I have an even better shot. Here’s what I love about that plan: I LOVE SCHOOL! So the idea I’d get to continue learning, continue training, continue becoming this brilliant vessel of theater is intoxicating. 

How lucky am I?!!?


I have a little under 8 months before my thesis is due. I am still in the baby beginnings of my research. My first public workshop goes up in 4 weeks. I have yet to memorize a scene. There is so much to do before any of these listed options start to come in. But the idea that tonight I can sit here and daydream about where my life is going to go, that it doesn’t involve a desk or a CEO or Microsoft Outlook makes me happy, happy, happy.

The thought of my handsome Tony and his friend, the dashing Oscar, sparkling in the sun makes me happy, happy, happy as well.

Back in the Saddle Again

I arrived back in Birmingham Sunday and, needless to say, am still ridiculously jet-lagged. Last night in my three hour stage combat class I almost fell asleep three times. Thank goodness we spent the first half holding rapiers and daggers and the last hour punching each other in the stomach and kneeing each other in the groin. This morning is proving to be even harder. Song class is usually a great hour of my life, but today all I wanted to do was sleep. I'm currently sitting in the library on campus and seriously debating if anyone would notice if I took a quick kip behind one of the stacks. It's a college, they wouldn't mind, right?

The flight here was uneventful. As I get older, I'm finding my love of flying ebbing sigificantly. I will always fly, I will always travel. But more and more I have painful anxiety when we take off, I have awful flashes of panic when we fly (How are we 30,000 miles over the ocean right now? How are we not dropping into the deep?), and I am always eternally grateful when we land safely. I'm not certain where the next few years will lead me, but I am thankful I don't have to do any 10 hour flights for at least 7 months.

I am so happy to be back at school, but I am hate being so far away from the people I love. I miss my family so much. Don't be fooled, it was so much easier to leave LA when I wasn't seeing anyone. I didn't mind the weeks away because I was excited for a change and ready to live a different life. I also knew I was coming home in 10 weeks and I know I can survive almost anything for 10 weeks. This time I left and the man I love is still in CA. Long distance relationships SUCK! I want nothing more to see him every day and I am not going back to LA for at least 9 months. That is a LONG time! (I can have a baby in that time! Instead, I will get my masters. :)

A rambling blog of some rambling thoughts from a jet-lagged woman running on too much coffee and not enough veggies. Reminds me that I need to go grocery shopping tonight! I promise, the next blog will have life changing thoughts and probably a few interesting stories about what I totally forgot I love and loath about this city.

Until next time........have a GREAT day out there!